guilt and ashamed

[Cecil de Volange]

Hello my fellow enotalone members,

 

I haven't been here for a while because I was in a depressing break up of my life...well he was my first boyfriend and yeah..didn't turn out the way I want him to be. I just want a companionate relationship and he wants sex and intimate relationship. I'm catholic for goodness sake, I don't want to disappoint my parent's, plus I'm a traditional girl. Well, we did have an intimate moment, such as kissing each other A LOT which lead to another desirable moment (No sex), which puts me in a situation of feeling guilty of having such intimate desires with him, such as ripping his clothes off and kissing him repeatedly. He was a bit shocked for a moment, but he was happy. I manage to control myself so I will not loose my virginity, but I ended up crying after the little fool around of hot dry sex because of the sinful acts I have just done. So the relationship deteriorated, like what my mother predicted. Intimacy will lead to break up. My ex and I have remained friends, such as saying hello or greeting each other and a 5 minute conversation. Now this college session, I see him almost everyday. The feeling of love is still their, but I must avoid him because I don't want to return to such unhappiness again.

 

It's been almost a year, and I still haven't move on because I keep thinking about him. His birthday is coming soon and I have a birthday card for him. NOw, here is the question, should I send it? Also, there are times I cry at night (well alot of nights). I cry for loosing a piece of my innocence and I feel rape in a way...I just feel USED!!!! I feel disgusting!!!! AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT!!!! Sometimes everytime I think about it, I.....take a bath more than an hour to cleanse myself. I just could not handle the psychology of the intimate acts I commited with him.my past post about this relationship might answer some of your questions or might give you some background view of my relationship. The post is called "I'm going insane!!!!"

 

cecil de volange

[vhshowdown]

I am sorry for your pain and anguish. I wish there was more I could do for you. I too am a Catholic, so I understand. But you have to do what makes you happy. We all make mistakes, that is how we find out who we really are, and what we really want.

Try getting involved with different groups. When you start to think about him, start snapping your fingers to get the thought out of your head, etc...

 

As far as the Birthday card, I think you should send it. Do not have it be a serious lovey card, more relaxed, hey I remembered your birthday good gesture kind of card.

 

Good luck with this, and just remember life is very short, so dont continually be hard on yourself.

[chai714]

I knew a girl who was just like you - felt guilty for feeling anything that had to do with sexual pleasure. She was also very religious. As I began to know more about her though, it turned out she was molested as a child, and almost used her religion as a shield for her feelings.

 

Having a healthy outlook on sexuality is important if you're going to be in a relationship. I would suggest perhaps a course in human sexuality, or simply getting some books on it. It becomes even more important to have a healthy outlook on sex when you're married. If you did experience any traumatic events in your childhood, it's also important to address those issues with a professional as well.

[cassiana]

I am a catholis too and would have felt the same at your age. However the huge burden of guilt over such a natural thing nearly ruined my life. Don't feel guilty. It is not a sin to take pleasure in your body. You are still a virgin. If you let thne guilt eat you up it will ruin you.

[RayKay]

I just have a couple points. INTIMACY will not lead to the end of the relationship...having negative beliefs and a fear of intimacy will however. Your relationship likely did not end as you were intimate, but because of your reactions too the intimacy - my guess is it did not make him feel very good to be thought of as dirty and shameful, an impression you may have given him after crying and being so upset about it. Honestly, I think your mother (and others who say that) say that as they are trying to scare you straight, keep your hormones down and maybe as they are repressed themselves.

 

Your feelings are not uncommon among people who were raised to believe that feeling sexual is sinful, and I am not sure how someone breaks out of that but you are a human being, human beings do have sexual desires and there is nothing shameful in that. You have not done anything wrong, you are not dirty or sinful. Sex, and sexuality is NOT something to be ashamed of.