Refueling Sex Life After Baby

[littleL_RN]

It's been a long while since I've posted anywhere but the pregnancy forum, but now as a mom of a very energetic 6-month old, the dynamics of marriage and life continue to evolve.

 

This is probably a tale as old as time, but nonetheless, I need a little guidance.

 

In addition to being new parents, my husband and I work almost completely opposite schedules We may have one solid week night and one weekend day together.

 

To be honest, when our daughter was a tiny newborn, she slept a good bit, so we found the time to have sex, even if it was just a quickie. Now, in the last 2 months or so, as she is awake much more and demanding socialization (how dare her!), we have lost our intimacy groove. Understandably, it's made both of us kind of irritable (more petty arguments, exasperated sighs, eye rolls, the works), which has further put a strain on the marriage.

 

We've been able to talk about and acknowledge the obvious problems of not having much time together and the importance of doing things with our daughter rather than trying to stick her in front of the TV and sneak off to have sex, which to me is a total mood-killer. I'm much more into it when things happen organically and I don't feel like baby can cry at any minute.

 

Last weekend, my husband planned our very first baby-free overnight at a hotel, and it was fantastic. We basically napped and had sex the entire 24 hours. It was much needed. But obviously, this is not something we can do every week (or even every month) for financial and child care reasons.

 

Do any moms or dads have insight as to how to bring back a little more of that spontaneous sex life? Did you find that you simply had to find a way to get into the "sneak-away" sex?

[DoF]

You have 2 issues at hand. I will start with the most important one.

 

LACK OF TIME/Commitment/companionship - your work schedules are not working out. One of you need to find a new job that is on a regular schedule ASAP. OR one of you quit all together and be a full time stay at home parent. This will kill your relationship if you don't address it. Each and every relationship needs time involvement/together. You guys have very little to none. It will slowly eat away at both of you and kill your relationship.

 

Second issue (sex), although an issue today, will automatically be resolved with above as you have more time together.

 

You need few hours of time TOGETHER as a partner and parent each and every day.

 

I would highly recommend that you get this squared away fast....

[littleL_RN]

You said a mouthful, DoF.

 

Schedule disparities have been an ongoing issue, well before our daughter was a twinkle in our eyes. Hub is a contract musician, so I carry our benefits. He works his butt off but does not fully appreciate that he can turn down certain jobs since I earn too.

 

I suggested when baby was first born that he take one day of the week off to add more to our quality time. He wasn't fully receptive to that idea. Apart from deducting from his earnings, he feared it would cut into gig offers.

 

We already decided that I would take an extra day of the week to be with our daughter so my schedule is a reasonable 4 on and 3 off.

 

But you have very valid points. I feel like I should show him this.

[SophieGrace]

Wish I had some suggestions for you based on experience, but I have never been in the situation. I am only posting in support - it sounds like you truly care about your marriage and keeping intimacy between the two of you, and I am assuming he cares as well, which is such a huge foundational piece of actually figuring out how to do it.

 

Just spitballing here - I don't suppose you know any other couples with little ones that you could do a babysitting trade out once a week? Or maybe set aside a small portion of each of your earnings so you can go to a hotel twice a month? If nothing else, is there a way to deal with the way you both react to this stress - in other words, instead of participating in petty arguments and eye rolling and sighing and making the other person "wrong" - is there any way to bond over "being in it together" ... recognizing and respecting each of your contributions to the home and to your child? Listening to each other and supporting one another in tough times can go such a long way to re-build feelings of connectedness.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Baily]

Yours is a story as old as time. People having kids have NO idea how the relationship they had takes a back seat to the kid. What was once all about you two is now ALL about the kid. Date nights and movies have been replaced with Elmo, kid stuff and all the conversation is about is the child.

Asa hubby that went through this it's amazingly hard to do. Going out was a staple of the relationship now it's once a month on a good month. I advise getting a schedule with friends or family so they can take the baby one night a week or whenever you can so you two can either go out or just stay in. When you stay in don't clean or get better prepared...instead focus on one another and find the spark that brought u two together. Make the time to be intimate.

If you don't the relationship can easily crumble and fall...go read the divorce area...there are many a take there.

[littleL_RN]

I'm a week late on checking back in, but thank you all for your suggestions and support!

 

My husband and I are still trying to square away how we will be able to fit date time into our current schedule. We've had more good days than stressful days recently, but yesterday he was bumming out hard about his crazy gig schedule this week. I keep reiterating that he is putting too much on his plate, but I just don't think he is ready to adjust his work situation.

 

This morning, he called me on my way to work while he had our daughter and apologized because he realized that his downer mood actually put a damper on the one weeknight we can spend together. It wasn't an entirely unpleasant evening as we were able to have some "husband/wife time" after baby went to sleep.

 

Sophie, the babysitting swap suggestion would be amazing, but we don't have any friends with babies that live nearby. We're hoping to join the YMCA soon since they cater to young families (child care, fitness classes, lessons for babies) and I'm kind of hoping we can meet people that way.

 

Baily, do you find that you and your significant other are doing alright with working in monthly dates? I think it would be a good idea for us to set aside one night a month, even if it's a weeknight, to go out together.