I'm about to cause a storm... Caught her & really need some help

[cmpatable]

I've posted my story here before but everything just changed for me, and I could really use some help. Sorry about the length.

 

My ex gf (24) of 2+ years broke up with me a little less than 2 months ago. We were best friends, big parts of each others families, in the same close knit group of friends, did everything together...you name it. We had such an amazing unforgettable run between everything we shared, and the breakup came as a complete shock to just about everybody. Our friends and family saw the happiness we brought out in each other and always enjoyed us as a couple. I loved this girl, and had no question at all about having a future with her. We talked about it often.

 

This summer my ex started working a new bar tending job with hectic hours to bring in some good cash before starting PA school. In the first few weeks of her working she let me know she was "tricked" into giving one of her new work friends her number. She said she didn't know he was interested in her but later found out from the other chefs what his intentions really were. He wanted to pursue her. The guy is a 21 yo. (3 years younger) sou chef, stoner, didn’t go to college, and overall doesn’t have much going for him. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt because she has always been a little naive and I trust her & the guy didn’t seem like threat at all. He’s the complete opposite of me and she would make him out to seem like a low life. We got into argument about it but moved forward. In the oncoming weeks they began to text each other about work related things in which she was pretty open about to me. She always wanted to introduce me to her new work friends and would usually would fill me in about them, or what was said when they texted. The texting still made me pretty insecure because I was cheated on in my past relationship and I didn't understand why they needed to talk about things outside of work or why she cared about the friendship so much. I brought this up to her among another argument and she told me that she'd be working with these people all summer and was just excited to form new friendships… promising me he mostly talked about work related things. She said she made it clear to him, after hearing his intentions, that she was interested in nothing more then a friendship and that she would never even think about jeopardizing things with me. She told me I needed to trust her on that because she had never given me a reason not to trust her, which in her defense she hasn’t.

 

After the texting & arguments continued, I felt the distance between us grow & saw her get more and more excited about work. I wasn’t sure if the distance was because I was insecure and she was losing respect/attraction to me for the fighting or that she was interested in this guy. It was probably a bit of both. I couldn’t help but feel like things were off and she kept trying to alleviate the situation but always in her own defense of wanting to be able to text and be her friendly self at work. She compromised by saying that she would no longer initiate any texts but if he ever texted her she would respond out of being the nice person she is. I wanted to trust her so badly but it just all felt like to big of a red flag to me and I couldn’t hold it in.

She asked me how I was ever going to trust her in the male dominated medical field in the future if I “couldn’t trust her talking with a sou chef”.

 

Long story short she ended breaking up with me in the oncoming weeks and was completely COLD, not showing a single emotion. She told me she felt like she was picked apart, “under a microscope,” and needed space and time to find herself because she couldn’t stop thinking about the next time I’d bring up not trusting her. She said she cared about me immensely, loved me, and thought we were in it for the long run but didn’t think I could fix my issues. I was absolutely devastated after the first 3 weeks of the break up and incredibly hard on myself. I apologized for everything and told her how I couldn’t stomach the fact that she would have to be a learning lesson for me and that I would do absolutely anything to make the changes needed to save everything we had together. The connection I had with this girl was indescribable and we had experienced way too much together for it to fall to some fighting in the last few months. She remained cold and told me she was sticking to her decisions. I took the blame completely and after 3 weeks of sobbing I started NC and decided to completely respect her decisions with everything even though I was at the lowest point I have ever felt in my life, which she was well aware of.

 

During NC I started to do everything I could to make these changes for myself. Started going to the gym, seeking self-help hanging out with our mutual group of friends (guys & girls together) and being with my family. After a month went by my friends brought it up how weird it is that she’s being cold and that no one has really heard from her in awhile. After seeing her every weekend for almost 2 years she just disappears from them to? I was going out with everyone including her girlfriends, what could she be doing…? Well my curiosity got the best of me and I did something shameful. Judge me, call me a stalker, and give it to me straight but…. I ended up driving by her house a couple times over the weekend only to find that the sou chef’s car was parked there and that he has been sleeping there. Mind you it has been just under 2 months since we have broken up so it’s none of my business who she is with but she is seeing the guy that she downplayed through our entire break up. All while bringing me to the absolute lowest point I’ve ever been in my life.

 

I have honestly never felt so confused and betrayed before. My absolute best friend of 2.5 years rode out my insecurities in order to get with someone 3 years younger. The idea BAFFLES me that she’d throw away everything we had & separate herself from our entire friend group to pursue a physical relationship with some lifeless kid that was giving her positive attention at work. It is SO unlike her. It’s sick that I still love her because I feel like she’s just in a transition into school and being stupid. I don’t want talk highly of myself but I see absolutely no way that she couldn’t regret this decision. If she ever went public with him she would be admitting to her wrong doings & he would obviously never be fully accepted in our group of friends. I couldn’t even see her bringing him around her family… or being accepted into it but it’. I don’t know what she see’s in this kid but is all beside the point. This whole thing is so overwhelming to me that I am fighting the feeling of lashing out on her for all of this and I guess that’s where I need some help. I feel like if I don’t devise some story to tell her how I found out without making me out to be the insecure jerk she made me out to be then it will all just spill out of me. This is way to emotionally taxing to hold in and unfortunately I don’t know how to be the bigger person in this situation. I really feel like she will regret this all very soon if I don’t which will leave the possibility for reconciliation but I obviously wouldn’t be able to take her for her word anymore. A huge part of me wants to expose her for what she is …. Am I justified in all of this?

[mhowe]

Continue to fight the feeling --- lashing out will not make you feel better. Do not devise a story to let her know you know.

 

Whether she regrets it, whether this is a summer fling ---- isn't your concern.

 

I know its hard and a kick in the teeth. Continue on as though you have no knowledge. DO NOT discuss with mutual friends.

 

Expose her for what she is? She is an adult, sleeping with a co-worker.

[radiance]

I understand how much it hurts to find out she was abusing your trust. It's not fair that she did that. But you need to distance yourself from her. Exposing her or confronting her won't make any difference, except filling your head with negative feelings. Keep doing what you've been doing, working on yourself. It'll feel better in the long run.

[DoF]

Tricked? No she wasn't tricked. ANY smart girl/woman should know that when there is a male around or contacting them, it means one thing. They want them.

 

As for her communicating with him while in a relationship. Completely inappropriate and disrespectful.

 

Should be a boundary/rule in any relationship. No single opposite sex friends.

 

It's a story that repeats itself here A LOT. And the core of most people issues.....people closest to you/"friends"

 

 

 

You are NOT insecure. Your girls ACTIONS are making you insecure. There is a BIG difference. And your feeling is completely justified.

 

What she is doing is called emotional cheating around these ways! Look it up.

 

 

 

You confirmed that she most likely not just emotionally cheated but physically cheated as well.

 

You should be happy about this. Finding this out NOW is WAY better than finding it out 10-20 years down the road while married/with kids etc.

 

This is good news (even though it makes you feel like crap).

 

Be happy!

 

 

 

I can only give you advice about yourself. Since that's the only thing within your control.

 

You are not doing a good job at healing. Although you did start physical activity etc, you are still thinking about her too much. You need to practice mind deviation. When thoughts of her come up, change to think about other things that you love/make you happy. Maybe something peaceful etc. Practice practice practice. In time, you will be the master. It's a great tool to have this strength once you polish it.

 

You are also making this entire thing into some kind of a great ending. That's a mistake. Think of it as a great beggining. Do you really want this type of a girl (notice I didn't' say woman). Hell no. This is where you need to ignore your heart and use your brain. That's the only part of your body that should make decisions and think. Your brain should tell you this girl is no good, cheated on you and is FAR FAR FAR from good/healthy partner/LTR companion.

 

Cut her out completely. Block her, ignore her messages (they will come soon enough, trust me on that)......and when your friends bring her up, ask them to not do that. Remember, any contact from you or her = reset of your HEALING TIME.

 

TIME is your only friend here. For next 3-6 months you will feel this way (it's only natural). But in time, I promise you, you will feel better and heal completely. During this time stay away from opposite sex. In about 6-year, when you feel you are completely over her and healed you look for a WOMAN that you deserve. Fact that she didn't do any of this = she is not very smart. She is in a rebound type of relationship. This guy will swallow her up, spit her up and she will come running back to you. DO NOT be the fall guy!!!! OR she will just do the same old thing to him in the future. After all, history is the best indicator of the future.

 

Accept that this girl is done with in your life.

 

Keep doing physical activity. Become the best person you can be, and you will attract one like you.

 

Read 5 languages of love, this will help you with some of the things you are dealing with and also prepare you for future relationships.

 

Good luck

[melancholy123]

My husband has this line he's said sometimes - if she will do it with you, she will do it to you...and your ex gf did just that. I'm sorry for what happened to you, but you will survive and in time you will feel so much better. Dont confront her.

[cmpatable]

I think what is hitting me the hardest is that at this point is that I don't see any possibility of reconciliation even though I think she will try and eventually make amends.... I am going to hear the same thing from everybody. "Do you really want to date somebody that can do this to you? You can't change her" I don't know how to swallow that because outside of this summer our relationship was something I valued more then anything in the world. It wasn't obsessive, I just preferred sharing the moments of life with her and know she felt the same...I can't wrap my head around where we went wrong...we had a connection I couldn't even begin to explain. I want to keep my best friend... I wish there was a way I could make her see what she did, sadly because the possibility of her breaking down and addressing these issues within herself would be worth the chance. I also almost wish it was my insecurities that led to this... because at least I could have made those changes. I love this girl that much.

 

I feel like it's incredibly unlikely for her not to regret this down the line and that's where I stand. She jumped ship to the fling who was giving her positive attention and once the summers over she's in PA school without the support network that got her there. I could never open up that door for her without her knowing that I know she ed up. She'd keep it to herself because it was herself and if I brought it up that late in the game it could never work. I just don't know what has gotten into her head now.

[mhowe]

I'm sorry but you are putting her on a pedestal that she doesn't belong on.

 

I don't see her coming back. I see her moving on to school and moving forward in her life, likely without regret.

 

That doesn't take away from what you two shared ---- but she is learning independence and in that process, there will be some bad choices. It doesn't mean she will return to the "security" of a relationship with you again.

[cmpatable]

I'm sorry but you are putting her on a pedestal that she doesn't belong on.

 

I don't see her coming back. I see her moving on to school and moving forward in her life, likely without regret.

 

That doesn't take away from what you two shared ---- but she is learning independence and in that process, there will be some bad choices. It doesn't mean she will return to the "security" of a relationship with you again.

 

I feel like I will move on better in that case letting her know she didn't fool me, it is way to strong of a feeling with this girl.

 

She will always be a part of my circle of friends and it will just serve as a constant reminder every time she is around.

[Lucia Amman]

I'm with everyone else here. You should start healing emotionally. Get her out of your system. What she does or doesn't do isn't your concern anymore. She is a grown woman and can make her own choices.

 

If you plan to 'cause a storm' think twice! Speaking bad about a mutually friend towards your group of friends, even if it is after a break up will definitely not be a good idea.

 

Let me tell you a story how that once turned out. One of my friends were just like you two; they looked very happy and a dream couple. The girl suddenly ended the relationship and within a month she had someone else. And yes, I know for a fact she was texting with him before she broke up with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend went very sour. He found out about her new boyfriend and he talked very badly behind her back to their mutual friends. Very soon their friends dropped him. No one wanted to hear his sad story, even though they felt very bad for him, she also was still their friend. No one wants to choose sides and by talking badly about one of you you make them choose a side.

 

Trust me, you don't want to end up like him. Maybe what she did was wrong, but relationships end. And people move on. Your girlfriends just moved on faster than you did.

 

Please keep your head up and your friends close. Don't talk bad about her. Avoid her and keep it simple towards your friends; they will take care of you if you aren't too bitter but just sad. Being sad is good, you can cry and feel emotional. You can scream and get angry. You can express how much you miss her. But don't turn bitter and feeling like you need to take revenge on her.

 

Her new boyfriend probably has other qualities. Most of your mutual friends probably will just accept him. And her family as well if she really loves him. I've come home with some strange guys as well and my mom never said a thing about it. As long he isn't treating her badly I can't imagine why people would hate him. Try to find a way for yourself to face this bitter truth and scream your lungs out and move on. X

[Man with Dog]

I’m really sorry to hear about this. Maybe the saddest thing of all is that it has happened to people before, is happening to people as we write and will happen to others in the future. You may well wonder “what is the attraction” and “surely, she is trading down and not up”. Time will tell whether it is a big mistake or not and the thought that she could be begging for mercy at your feet after admitting she’d made a wrong choice seems highly desirable.

 

Unfortunately, it almost certainly won’t happen. It could well be that the two of them go on to live happily ever after in a 3 bedroom semi and have 2.4 children. You’re lucky in that you are the one left hanging out with mutual friends and are not the one edged out (as I was many many years ago). I would be very careful about complaining too much about her to them, even though you are the innocent one.

 

My guess is that what appeared such a great relationship to you wasn’t to her. That is not to suggest that it was your fault. Partners do not always behave rationally. You will probably ask yourself things like were you handsome/clever/etc enough and the chances are that it was just one of those things that she cooled off and became attracted to someone else.

 

Although my views may not be totally in tune with the rest of the world, if you are not married or engaged, you have the right to split from someone. It might not seem right or fair to them but you did not make a lifetime’s commitment to each other. I also share your suspicions that something probably happened before you split and, of course, she will deny it to all and sundry.

 

Unfortunately, as others have suggested, you are in the process of recovery and rebuilding of your life. Although it is hard, try to avoid thinking about her or getting revenge. If she did come running back, NO! You could never trust her again and she would know that she could go off and have a fling with someone else, knowing she could come back at any time. Quite honestly, she doesn’t care about you.

[Man with Dog]

Something similar happened to me and what didn't help was that a mutual friend was the new bloke. Ouch!

[cmpatable]

I don't at all plan to lash out to my friends about her I just think the only way I am going to feel better is if I confront her on it personally.

 

The reason she was able to do what she did is because she made herself feel justified in it. I want to take that justification away from her.

 

There is a reason she is in hiding with this whole thing. I can tell you I am sure this guy would never fit into my group of friends nor would she consider trying to bring him around when she knows he was the cause of our breakup. He's younger, ghetto, and seems to have nothing at all going for him. The only sense I could make out of her seeing this guy is she has always had this bit to her personality where she likes to meet people and help them with their problems to feel empowered. She may be attracted to trying to "fix" this kid or something and being physical with him on the side. I'm just sick over the whole thing and feel I am most certainly going to break. I simply do not have the strength not to confront her on it.

 

As an added bonus I gave her my Lalapalooza ticket for her to bring a friend because I felt bad for hurting her as the relationship fell apart. She took it no problem...

[mhowe]

You cannot take her justification away from her. It doesn't work that way.

 

And after confronting her, she isn't going to feel bad, or remorseful or anything but pity that you haven't moved on.

[cmpatable]

You cannot take her justification away from her. It doesn't work that way.

 

And after confronting her, she isn't going to feel bad, or remorseful or anything but pity that you haven't moved on.

 

She will be proven wrong... something she has been doing absolutely anything to protect. She will have nothing further to lie about...

 

Let her feel pity, but she will know deep down SHE is responsible for this and that I am not a doormat.

[mhowe]

She will be proven wrong... something she has been doing absolutely anything to protect. She will have nothing further to lie about...

 

Let her feel pity, but she will know deep down SHE is responsible for this and that I know that.

 

She hasn't done anything "wrong". She broke up with you. She is dating a "lesser man".

 

It isn't wrong. It sucks, and you are hurt...but it isn't wrong.

Responsible for what? She knows she broke up with you, she knows she was talking to the guy and she got with him after she broke up. And no one but you is calling this a "lie". And confronting her changes nothing besides making you look crazy.

[cmpatable]

She hasn't done anything "wrong". She broke up with you. She is dating a "lesser man".

 

It isn't wrong. It sucks, and you are hurt...but it isn't wrong.

Responsible for what? She knows she broke up with you, she knows she was talking to the guy and she got with him after she broke up. And no one but you is calling this a "lie". And confronting her changes nothing besides making you look crazy.

 

It isn't wrong that she rode my insecurities out of the relationship? Throwing all the blame on me and then immediately moving on to the guy this was all over? While I sit beating myself up for it?

[jimthzz]

I think nothing good comes out of getting a bar tending job if you are not the type to handle male attention appropriately.

 

Your ex-GF is the type to not handle it appropriately.

 

One hard thing for yo to try to do is to understand that you were in love with who you thought your GF was, and not for who she really is.

 

Let that sink it a bit. she may have even played the part for you while it was interesting to her to do so.

 

But that woman does not exist. the woman that she is? the type to cheat on a BF and to move on while blaming you for it.

 

One day you will feel fortunate to have gotten this lesson about that type of person before you had married her and had children. Some of us are not that lucky.

 

Good luck.

[mhowe]

It isn't wrong that she rode my insecurities out of the relationship? Throwing all the blame on me and then immediately moving on to the guy this was all over? While I sit beating myself up for it?

 

Expecting someone dishonorable to act with integrity is a losing battle. She can throw blame all she wants. YOU know the truth. SHE knows you know the truth.

 

So, stop beating yourself up and go and find a woman worthy of your love and attention.

[reinventmyself]

Tricked? No she wasn't tricked. ANY smart girl/woman should know that when there is a male around or contacting them, it means one thing. They want them.

 

I remember the OP first post regarding this. There wasn't a mention of being tricked. But more-so giving out her number wanting to avoid any awkwardness.

No matter how you slice it - justification-

I am sorry but now you don't have to wrestle with this any longer.

I know you are seeking some sort of justice.

Call a friend when you tempted. . or come here.

[cmpatable]

Expecting someone dishonorable to act with integrity is a losing battle. She can throw blame all she wants. YOU know the truth. SHE knows you know the truth.

 

So, stop beating yourself up and go and find a woman worthy of your love and attention.

 

She does NOT know I know the truth. I left her taking full blame and apologizing for "losing herself". She accepted all of it and remained cold as ice. She told me this is all about finding herself before she can be happy with me or anybody else. Well she found her happiness & I think I have every right to be bitter and let her know that.

 

We were supposed to go to Chicago together this summer and I even let her have the tickets for the pain I supposedly caused her. She said she appreciated them and is taking them.

[cmpatable]

Tricked? No she wasn't tricked. ANY smart girl/woman should know that when there is a male around or contacting them, it means one thing. They want them.

 

I remember the OP first post regarding this. There wasn't a mention of being tricked. But more-so giving out her number wanting to avoid any awkwardness.

No matter how you slice it - justification-

I am sorry but now you don't have to wrestle with this any longer.

I know you are seeking some sort of justice.

Call a friend when you tempted. . or come here.

 

This was in a time in which I was beating up on myself trying to give her the benefit of the doubt over the whole entire situation.

[mhowe]

She does NOT know I know the truth. I left her taking full blame and apologizing for "losing herself". She accepted all of it and remained cold as ice. She told me this is all about finding herself before she can be happy with me or anybody else. Well she found her happiness & I think I have every right to be bitter and let her know that.

 

We were supposed to go to Chicago together this summer and I even let her have the tickets for the pain I supposedly caused her. She said she appreciated them and is taking them.

 

And it won't change a thing. She played you and your integrity. Don't stoop to her level.

[reinventmyself]

This was in a time in which I was beating up on myself trying to give her the benefit of the doubt over the whole entire situation.

 

I know it's hard and a typical phase of grief to hash out all the transgressions and wanting answers.

Just try to resist acting out . .Hang in there!

[sargon]

It isn't wrong that she rode my insecurities out of the relationship? Throwing all the blame on me and then immediately moving on to the guy this was all over? While I sit beating myself up for it?

 

It's not a matter of right or wrong. In the relationship game there are no hard and fast rules, there's no penalties and there's no punishment.

 

You feel she treated you poorly.

 

So what, she doesn't care, she's not coming back and you need to accept that and move on with your life and stop crying about how unfair it all is. She doesn't owe you anything.

 

Life aint fair dude.

[jimthzz]

Cancel the airline tickets. Move on.