I'm about to cause a storm... Caught her & really need some help

[mhowe]

She is looking for a reaction. Don't.

[cmpatable]

She is looking for a reaction. Don't.

 

Mhowe... have seen you a lot around here and just want to thank you. I have a question for you...

 

I don't plan to fall for any of the mind games that are most likely to come from all of this... I have had a feeling since the beginning that once summer is done winding down my ex would start to show signs as things are likely to become very hard on her and she will no longer have the distractions to keep her from thinking all of this through... she is losing friendships, starting PA school, and winter is right around the corner which is very tough around here.

 

I'm just wondering, now that it is out that what she did was in the wrong... if she ever did come around, is there ever a point where I could give things another chance to work again? I know you can't change people but I am sure there have been relationships that have reconciled over much worse. I don't believe she cheated on me, but how easy it was for her to leave the relationship behind and dive into a different lifestyle that is now coming to an end is pretty concerning to me. I still can't be sure if she did it because she was resenting me or played into her own resentment in order to 'naturally' grow apart from me. I'd obviously be worried about history repeating itself over again but sometimes think maybe we needed things to get to this point for us both to appreciate what we had with each other. After all the one thing I do know for sure is when we were on chord with each other, we shared a really beautiful relationship. So much dust was kicked up in the final months and the changes were not handled well at all...

 

I guess it all depends on if she was so easy to leave me over an infatuation and change in life...

 

or

 

If her poor relationship values (which can be changed/learned from?) caused her to resent me and go to the man who was giving her positive attention

[mhowe]

She is simply immature. She sought attention from someone else, someone clearly beneath her values.mher defense to your friend shows she has learned nothing. She is just upset that people have cut her off.

 

You can never go back together because you could never trust that some guy saying the right things when you were in a rough patch would not capture her fancy. She simply isn't ready to settle down, and come fall and school will be in another new environment with plenty of new guys, training to do the same stuff she is, will be around.

 

Eyes forward and look to your own journey.

[boltnrun]

I can't believe that after all you have posted about your anger, how you wanted to "cause a storm" and your pleasure in her getting her comeuppance via your mutual friend (now her ex friend)...that you say you have a "deep love" for her!

 

How can you feel pleasure over the pain of someone you claim to deeply love?

[cmpatable]

Boltnrun, I would never feel pleasure in causing anybody pain, especially her... no matter the circumstance. The only positive feelings that arose from the whole situation was the thought of her actually taking a deeper look into herself and what has come of everything. Things have been so obscured between us and I think if we both grew from the situation there may be a chance at us in the long run... I know the love we did have for each other... and it was unlike anything else.

 

Mhowe, she is joining a small PA program of about 25 students, most of which she knows. She will not be in a new environment will all new people.. we live in a very small city.

 

I am focused on my journey and I have been keeping my head up. Just confused as to how I will look at a second chance if it comes around...

 

I guess I just have hope in her... I know she has a good heart. She is lost

[mhowe]

She isn't lost. She is immature, and has now grown bored with tattoo boy. She isn't trying to get back with you, she is trying to rewrite history to make her look better. Notice you were accused of keeping her down for months. She is rebelling....against you! And she has just begun to sow her oats.

[boltnrun]

She's not taking a deeper look into herself. She's concerned with how others perceive her. She probably posted those pictures because she's trying to make herself look like a nice person in front of others. She wants the credit for being a "nice person" without actually having to BE nice. Refer to her defensiveness toward Mutual Friend if you doubt this...she defended herself and threw YOU under the bus. Not the actions of someone who is self-reflecting.

 

But I get that YOU want her to self-reflect. It's not the same thing.

[cmpatable]

So let me get this straight. You think she posted the pictures to make it look like there is no problem between us, and to rewrite history in that I never brought her down in the past? Making it look like we just fell apart instead of her throwing the blame on me? Seems like a pretty rediculous idea if it is her reasoning considering how much a point she made it in the past. A very desperate move to try and hide it, thats why I think there could be other intent. Going as far as tagging my sister... obviously my sister is aware of the situation.

 

I still dont understand what type of reaction she would be looking for...

 

She's the only one who will ever know if she has self reflected at all... I think this is half of a pride issue that she is caught up in and not strictly about "sowing oats. 50/50 probably.. She has to realise she's at a dead end if those are her intentions.

[saluk]

She's floundering. What she says and does stopped making sense long ago, and it's never going to become logical. This is the natural progression. She knows she's made some mistakes and is trying to fix them and smooth things over without thinking of the consequences or how much more she might hurt you. It's not about wanting to get back together - it's about finding ways to deal with the negative energy. Block/hide her posts and shares on facebook and avert your eyes/ears if you see hear more stuff so you don't have to see the craziness as it unravels. Thank your friend for sticking up for you, but also let him know that you don't need to hear any more about her.

 

For her, this is a process that she is going to have to go through. Don't put yourself in a place of having to witness it.

[mhowe]

If she she gave an ounce of thought to the consequences of her actions, she wouldn't be sleeping with tattoo boy.

[boltnrun]

She cares about how she looks to others. She realized after her conversation with Mutual Friend that some people in your friend group aren't buying her victim story. So, she chose to rewrite it using pictures on Facebook. "See, everyone! I can be nice and post these pictures to show what a great girl I am! cmpatable's sister, look! I'm so nice I even tagged you!" (although that was so that your sister could pass along to the others that she's not such a bad person after all...very self-serving of her).

 

I don't see self-reflection in her actions. They all seem self-serving to me.

[Man with Dog]

I'm sure where there's contact with mutual friends, a lot of self-whitewashing happens. Social media just makes it a different ball game these days. However, be careful not to over-moan about her as people tire of it. There's a few threads like this going round.

[Msmarie0917]

WE ARE LITERALLY GOING THROUGH THE EXACT SAME SITUATION ITS ABSOLUTELY CRAZY! the timing...the ex going cold...finding out two months later...EVERYTHING! Just know you are certainly not alone! Like everyone's been telling me! You'll be just fine! She's a coward you don't need her move on

[cmpatable]

WE ARE LITERALLY GOING THROUGH THE EXACT SAME SITUATION ITS ABSOLUTELY CRAZY! the timing...the ex going cold...finding out two months later...EVERYTHING! Just know you are certainly not alone! Like everyone's been telling me! You'll be just fine! She's a coward you don't need her move on

 

Hey we seem to have somethin in common.. your single...im single... we should date.

 

Hahah wish you the best...just taking it day by day over here. Enjoying my freedom and watching her run her course. It feels good to know we aren't in the wrong but hurts to watch someone you love go through the motions. I just genuinely hope they find happiness and sucks to see the unhealthy behavior.

[Msmarie0917]

We should y not! Lol

You're a way better person than me though. I can't wish anything good on my ex at the moment! I loved him with everything I had and still do or else it wouldn't hurt so bad, but me sitting back and watching karma do its job will be the best thing that can ever happen!

[Man with Dog]

We should y not! Lol

You're a way better person than me though. I can't wish anything good on my ex at the moment! I loved him with everything I had and still do or else it wouldn't hurt so bad, but me sitting back and watching karma do its job will be the best thing that can ever happen!

 

Sorry to say this but karma is a myth. As far as I know my ex wife is still with the "friend" she dumped me for. Not everyone who dumps someone gets what's coming to them and, in my experience, those who dump pretty much get away with it and are not judged for it. Adultery and marital break-up are so common that nobody bats an eyelid and can do it and even become President or King (UK).

[Msmarie0917]

Sorry to say this but karma is a myth. As far as I know my ex wife is still with the "friend" she dumped me for. Not everyone who dumps someone gets what's coming to them and, in my experience, those who dump pretty much get away with it and are not judged for it. Adultery and marital break-up are so common that nobody bats an eyelid and can do it and even become President or King (UK).

 

Karma may be a myth BUT reaping what you sow is defiantly real! You plant negetive seeds you get negative crop. You get what you give. Your ex wife may still be with the "friend" she dumped you for BUT who's to say that they are truly happy? Things usually are never what they seem from the outside looking in. In my case my ex was cheating on me with another girl that knew he was in a relationship.. come to find out the girl was cheating on HER boyfriend as well with my then boyfriend. So what are they now? Two CHEATERS that ended up in a relationship..and if you cheat once you'll cheat again meaning ones probably gonna cheat on the other at some point in time and if not their insecurities about one another being unfaithful will tear them apart. THATS WHAT I MEAN BY YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW

[Man with Dog]

We like to think people get their comeuppance and I would speculate that cheaters would cheat in future relationships but what if they actually get a relationship they value enough not to cheat.

 

So many cheaters don't get cheated on, just as many crooks avoid jail.

 

Life's simply not fair and never will be.

[blanco]

I got about a paragraph into the update and just stopped.

 

I don't have much room to speak, because I've taken a similar approach to obsessing what my ex is doing and deconstructing what she says or does. Quite frankly, I'm about tapped; burnt out, fatigued, whatever. Seeing your LOOOOOOONG update just emphasized this. So without really reading most of that post, I'll just say that you and I would be best suited to just STOP. NC, no over-analyzing what our exes say or do; no trying to find meaning in their actions. Because you know what? It doesn't matter. They're gone. And at this point, they're just unnecessary brain clutter.

[Man with Dog]

I got about a paragraph into the update and just stopped.

 

I don't have much room to speak, because I've taken a similar approach to obsessing what my ex is doing and deconstructing what she says or does. Quite frankly, I'm about tapped; burnt out, fatigued, whatever. Seeing your LOOOOOOONG update just emphasized this. So without really reading most of that post, I'll just say that you and I would be best suited to just STOP. NC, no over-analyzing what our exes say or do; no trying to find meaning in their actions. Because you know what? It doesn't matter. They're gone. And at this point, they're just unnecessary brain clutter.

 

I think we all do it. I came to the conclusion that my ex was a totally different person to what I thought I knew. That itself worried me. I think in most cases, people start to detach long before the final split.