somuchcooler Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 So my bf and I have been living together for a year now. We have been dating 4 years now. We live in Georgia and his mom lives in pa back at our home town. Over the weekend she came to visit with my Bfs 22 year old sister and the moms bf. Well during the dinner she told my bf I got a surprise for you I got you concert tickets to see this band next weekend for you and sisters name and the moms bf. I was expecting her to say I got one too but nope no mention of me getting invited. I thought it was sooo rude on so many levels to leave out the partner that your son lives with and that you have known real well for 4 years now. Especially when her bf is going. I told my bf that I'm upset with him for not standing up for me and saying hey mom I appreciate the ticket and all but dont you think it was rude to leave out my gf and do it right in front of her?? I don't expect him to say it right then and there in front of me but later on at least. When I talked to him about it he said he didn't know how. I'm really hurt I thought his mom liked me. How should we handle the slight? Link to comment
Andrina Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 He needs to man up, and it's his mother so he needs to deal with her. Tell him to ask her why she excluded you. If it were my husband, he wouldn't go without me. Is your bf even considering going without you under these circumstances? If so, I'd question his loyalty to you. If she said she only had money for so many tickets and comes up with some other excuse, he should still tell her that if his gf doesn't have a ticket, he can't enjoy himself there. It's like if you had 2 grandchildren coming over and you only have one new coloring book, you'd give none out that day since you didn't have enough for both. I'd also tell him, "I'm respectful and pleasant to your mother and I expect the same from her. If she's not, you need to tell her that for the pleasure of her family's company, that she needs to be kind and respectful to the lady he loves." It doesn't bode well for your relationship if he cowers from his mother to the detriment of his union with you. Communicate your hurt to him. I hope he comes through for you. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Its okay for him to do things with JUST his family. It is okay if they see you both 24/7 and then do something just them for one night without you. It really is. I was happy for the break when my ex's family came to visit - they did something one night without me. I do NOT think they should have paid for you and maybe that's why they didn't buy. But in this case, if they normally are decent to you, I would be gracious to the parents and say "did you have a good time? oh great, I am so sorry I had to miss that. I follow that band quite a bit. Maybe next time tell me ahead of time, and I'd have been glad to buy a ticket." And PRIVATELY address something more than that with your boyfriend in private. Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 Yeah but my thing is if we see each other together all the time why all of a sudden the change? Shouldnt they be starting to see me as fanily more now than ever? Besides she did it right in front of me. She could at least have the decency to be like hey I just want thing concert to be for my two kids I don't mean to leave you out I hope that's OK. She didn't even consider my feelings by giving the tickets right in front of me. Besides the mom included her bf which isn't the kids father so if he can go why can't her sons live in gf go Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 Yeah that's how I feel to. We come as a packaged deal for family events You invite one you invite both you leave out one you leave out both Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Maybe his mother doesn't consider you family. Maybe she just doesn't like you for whatever reason. There could be any number of reasons she did this and I would say that at this point, what's done is done and no point in wondering why etc. Sometimes things are just best left alone. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Did you guys get back together? Link to comment
journeynow Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Is this the way she is in general? I get that she sees her 2 kids and her bf as her family, but it is unkind of her to blatantly exclude you. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to imagine her thinking or headset. Is money tight? Is there a tradition of doing things as an "immediate" family? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Yeah but my thing is if we see each other together all the time why all of a sudden the change? Shouldnt they be starting to see me as fanily more now than ever? Besides she did it right in front of me. She could at least have the decency to be like hey I just want thing concert to be for my two kids I don't mean to leave you out I hope that's OK. She didn't even consider my feelings by giving the tickets right in front of me. Besides the mom included her bf which isn't the kids father so if he can go why can't her sons live in gf go They shouldn't be paying your way. And you are not their daughter-in-law yet. I would have not let it fester, but at that moment had said "Do you think its too late for me to buy a ticket, so I could have joined you?" Or "Have a great time. I am glad you are getting to go. Next time call me ahead of time if you are trying to surprise him, because I would have happily have bought a ticket, too". I would honestly let it go for now and have an enjoyable visit and talk to your boyfriend about it after the parents are back home. It is possible that while they are at the concert, it comes up and they feel badly about not including you or express to your bf that they didn't know how to invite you without spoiling the surprise, etc. When you act graciously and ask if they had a good time, they will have the opinion that you are a good sport and they might feel like they were knuckleheads. Link to comment
journeynow Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Do something fun that day, really enjoy your time, maybe something you've wanted to do, and make it special? Not out of spite, but because you can have fun, and make a good thing of it. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Did you guys get back together? I was wondering the same thing. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Okay keep one other thing in mind... A lot of young couples who move in together expect their families to treat that person like their spouse. They are not their spouse. If their parents are fairly traditional - it is a balancing act and a dance on both sides. I will say before my siblings were married, mom and dad would do things just with the "kids". They would try to do something at a time when they knew my bf was working, etc , because our time was limited together- it was easier to invite the other kids without their bf/gfs because they had bf/gf with busy schedules too and they saw their families alone as well. Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 I'm sorry I don't think I made it clear in my post. I never would expect them to pay for me its the fact that his mom didn't even say hey I want you to come too you're more than welcome to get a ticket. Yes she likes me Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 But you have to understand that a lot of people don't ever plan on getting married. So are couples supposed to just suck it up and allow themsves not to be taken seriously by their sos family? What about couples who have been living together for 20 30 or more years do they not have a right to be invited to things as a couple because they don't have a legal document stating their relationship is legit? No I don't think so. I think as long as the couple lives together they should be invited to famy functions and events ad a couple be cause that is how they are presenting their relationship as a unit. If one gets left out it is up to the partner to tell their own family look we function as a unit so you need to include my.partner from now on Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 You have been having this same argument with this guy for 4 years . Hasn't changed has it? You keep insisting that everybody does it your way. And that the family of birth goes into the trashcan the minute you find somebody. Link to comment
journeynow Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Is this an ongoing thing? I didn't know about your past posts, so took a quick look Nope this didn't happen to me both of our families include the other and respect that even though we aren't married we are still very much committed to each other. But to answer your question if his family did exclude me from a family function I would expect him to stand up for me and I would do the same for him. From responses to that thread from over a year ago, it sounds like this exclusion/inclusion conflict is an ongoing thing in this relationship. Is that the case? Link to comment
Andrina Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 "If one gets left out it is up to the partner to tell their own family look we function as a unit so you need to include my.partner from now on." Yes, I totally agree with this statement and you should communicate this to your bf. Just as my co-worker told his parents. They were visiting him from out of state and liked to eat early. My co-workers wife didn't get home till 7 p.m. He told his parents, what are we supposed to do? Go without her and leave her to fend for herself for dinner? He didn't cater to their insensitivity. Certainly there are times when things are done without a spouse/significant other in get togethers,and are appropriate, but they are on a case by case basis and absolutely nobody's feelings are hurt. Like in my husband's case, his daughter lives an hour and a half away and he always wants to include me in visiting her. I explained that sometimes his daughter might like one-on-one time with her dad, and I spend one on one time with my grown daughters. And my daughter sometimes invites me to the movies without my husband, and he doesn't mind. It's like being with a girlfriend really, so those are the types of times it's okay. In your case, five years is a long relationship. His mother was insensitive and stupid. He needs to speak to her to nip this in the bud so it doesn't happen in the future and ruin your feelings toward her. Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 Woah woah when did I say that he should forget a out his family the minute he finds someone? I never said that. They are visiting aren't they? I just think that if you are starting a life with someone and you are ljving together you usually prioritize their feelings and you have a united front with them. Generally they usually come first. I never said that he should forget about them. It is just a normal healthy part of life as adults to settle down with the person you plan on spending the rest of your life with and the family of origin tends to take on a different role. I would tell a friend who came to me that they should reevaluate how serious their partner is ablut them if they aren't standing up for them and asking that they be included in family functions At this point in the game I think it is perfectly normal and acceptable to expect to be put first and prioritized first in most cases. Link to comment
1Love1 Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I think you are being just a little bit touchy. I don't think it is disrespectful in the least that you weren't invited, or that your bf didn't say anything on your behalf. Yes, for the main part, when you've lived together for years you usually come as a package deal. But that's usually for holidays and family bbq's etc. If his mother wanted to do something nice for her children, that's her right. Maybe she didn't originally invite the bf and he thought it'd be nice to join so she bought him one too. Even if that isn't the case, she probably just wanted her kids and her bf to have a nice "bonding moment". Relax and let it go. You'll be so much happier if you don't read into the little things and take it personally. You yourself said she likes you, so don't sweat it if it wasn't an intentional jab at you Link to comment
sara-pezzini Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 maybe it is a concert of what they all enjoy together? but yeah, you keep making these threads about feeling excluded, talk to your bf instead of on here, we can't do much about it and i think you are a little to easily offended... you are not family, nor should they treat you as such..... Link to comment
catfeeder Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I wouldn't allow a BF's rude mother to cause a rift between me and BF. I wouldn't have said a word. I would have noted that this is how he and his family operate, and I'd make a private decision as to whether this is something I'll want to deal with going forward. For instance, if we live states away from his family are will rarely ever see them, then sucking up an occasional slight over the years wouldn't be a big deal to me--I'd roll with that. However, if Bf has plans for us to be largely connected to these people in the future, then given the way he's handled this, I might reconsider whether this guy is the one I'll want to merge and start a family with. But making a scene? That's taking the bait. If momma secretly wanted to cause problems for me and BF, I would have graciously ensured that her plan was a fail. Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 Well then if my bf already knew about it ahead of time and said that sounds like fun I would like to go and didn't say that sounds like fun me and my gf would like to go or if he didn't even ask me then that's even worse in my book because then it is him leaving me out and not his mom. It maybe would have been different if his mom asked him over the phone hey I wanna go to a concert with just my grown kids I don't mean to leave out your gf but is it OK if we do it just us this one night and if she really likes this band then she can come she will just need to buy her own ticket. But that's not how it went down she did it right in front if me without any regards to my feelings. Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 I never made a scene... I didn't say a word in front of his non I calmly asked my bf about the slight later on that night. I would hardly call that making a scene. If in a serious ltr you can't express your feelings to your partner then maybe you shouldn't be with that person After that amount of time sgluldnt one feel comfortable enough to discuss any hurt feelings that come about? So I'm just supposed to hold my feelings in and not say a word that doesn't sound very healthy to me. Link to comment
sara-pezzini Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I didn't mean he already knew. I meant is it some band they all enjoy? Or something they go to like every year? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 She doesn't have to tell him "i only want to take my kids". If he knew about it ahead of time, it was up to HIM to say "what about my girlfriend?" So, don't make mom the bad guy here. Its the boyfriend that didn't speak up. And it is OKAY if they just take their kids to some expensive thing. If they are there for a week and every single night are doing something with the two of you, it is okay to do something with just him, you know? Anyway, did you REALLY want to see that band or did you just really want to because you were excluded? I would pick my battles and not blame mom, but talk to your boyfriend about how you felt excluded and wished that he would have spoken up. On the other hand, I think you need to give space, too, and next time they come, on purpose be busy one of the nights and say "i am going to x with my mom or friend or i am working late. That will give you a chance to catch up." There are things that my parents want to discuss with me without my boyfriend present. There are things that they want to discuss with my brother without my SIL present. Not that they don't like them, but they want to get a real feel for how their kid is doing that they may not reveal in front of the SO. One on one time is good. When I visited from out of town once, I really, really wanted the chance to have lunch or dinner with just my brother and not his girlfriend at the time, at least once, so we could talk about mom and dad, or family stuff on a deep level and not have him in the mode of entertaining his girlfriend - and some of the stuff was really private and nobody else's business. My dad still goes and has lunch with his two sisters without my mom once a month. Just at a diner, etc. They talk about grandma, etc, - they are all the family he has left - no brothers, aunts, uncles, etc, and its good to do. They do things with mom, also, but that once a month lunch is just them Also, if you had BROKEN UP for awhile at some point, maybe they are not eager to include you if they don't know whats up in the relationship. Link to comment
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