What are some lessons you've learned from your first serious relationship?

[Hermes]

"Fixing", "rescuing" "enabling" all spell out one word in capital letters: Dysfunctional.

 

It is co-dependent, and controlling, to want to be a "fixer".

 

"Dysfunctional relationships are all about one person’s emotional “ownership” of the other. Whatever the owning partner wants or needs, the owned partner must acquiesce for the minimization of anxiety or dissolution of threats to quiet down. There is only one-way concern and empathy, and it is not in the mind and heart of the partner who feels possession.

 

In functional, mutually supportive relationships, neither partner feels that they own the course of another’s life."

 

"Disloyalty

 

Destructive triangles are often part of dysfunctional relationships. One partner talks to someone outside the relationship about the intimate situations that lie within it without the other partner’s knowing or consent. That confidante then knows things about that partner they may have no right to know. He or she, armed with information the other partner does not know is shared, may offer advice that may alter the situation unilaterally.

 

It is common for friends to gain advice and support from other friends when they are distressed about their relationships, but there is a big difference when doing so means selling out their partners most intimate and vulnerable feelings and behaviors. I"

 

From:

 

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[boltnrun]

Beware of the man (or woman) who has one or two or 10 "crazy exes" who constantly call them. And they pick up the calls. Chances are, they are not "exes" at all.

 

Or, the person who blames their past failed relationships on the other person and never accepts or admits to any responsibility for the relationship not working out.

 

Never "relationship hop". I was guilty of that for years. Next boyfriend was lined up before the previous one was barely out the door because I "needed" a boyfriend. I ended up with some real turkeys and it was 100% my fault.

 

Beware of the person who will not acknowledge dating or being in a relationship with you publicly. They are either ashamed of you or they want to appear single so they can score with other people (my ex introduced me to a woman he was hoping to sleep with as "my bestest friend" after we'd been together 3 years. Fantastic...) And I'm not talking about "Facebook official". I mean introducing you to family and friends as someone they're dating and not as a "friend".

[Hermes]

Totally, Bolt.

 

There are some real "gems" out there.

 

I had a friend who had started dating, seriously, what appeared to be a "gem". Then she told me, kind of perplexed, there is some kind of "crazy" woman phoning him at all hours of day and night from another country. Says I, "how come the "crazy" woman has his phone", for starters. Turns out he was equally crazy, and fortunately disappeared off the radar.

[engraved2008]

We were young and met at a wrong time. We met 18 years after the break up.He told me after all this time ,, you was a great girlfriend and taught me how to be responsible "...I have learned not to use the words ,never or forever"...I have left the state soon after and he told me at the break up that he will never come back to me...two years after he knocked on my moms door to ask to come see me states away...it was too late , different circumstances and I had already lost hope and moved on...life experience ..

[SophieGrace]

These are lessons I've learned from my first few serious relationships, not just the first. Trial and error is an amazing tool when it comes to the learning curve.

 

- Actions speak louder than words - people are what they do, not what they say

- Never take your partner for granted - a loving relationship is a gift. Make your relationship and your partner important.

- Own your issues. Anything that triggers you is about you - it's an opportunity to explore and heal rather than blame the other person and become the victim

- You can't change another person, only yourself

- If you are going to stay in a relationship, accept and support the other person and who they are, unconditionally, challenges and all

- Allow the other person the freedom to make their own decisions and mistakes. Never say "I told you so."

- Spend time apart, keep friendships, do what you love even if the other person doesn't want to do it with you. Then you can come back together and bond even more through your growth and adventures

- When you start dating someone you have chemistry with, note their relationship history. Do they have a drama-filled past? If so and they haven't done anything about it, it's likely you will have that same experience with them.

[Cheetarah]

-People are far more fragile than they like you to believe

-If communication is gone, so is your relationship. Period.

-I cannot rescue anyone, and they cannot rescue me - You have to be on the same wavelength. No rescuer/victim roles, any sort of imbalance of power or equality. It's not a romance, it's people playing out their issues on different sets.

-Coming on too strong is not a declaration of admiration for me and what a unique and special snowflake I am; Rather, it speaks of whatever own issues they may have in the intimacy department.

-Sometimes, you can love the hell out of someone and them love you back, but there is too much very serious personal muck that stands in the way of a healthy relationship. And you or they must walk. Even when it kills you to do it.

-That being single rather than being in a bad relationship is liberating and does far more for one's sense of worth than the false sense of ego that having a relationship - just any old relationship, for the sake of saying "I'm in a relationship" - does.