What exactly is "taking it slow" ?

[captcha45]

I was having a discussion with a friend. According to her "taking things slow" is waiting for about a month or two to sleep together....so you can be more sure of the guys intentions...

The way I see things is "taking it slow" is a way to screen the other person for red flags...to make sure this is really the kind of person you want to date. So you can get out soon enough and avoid getting hurt if not.

 

So I was wondering. Is there a certain amount of time after which you can be sure you're not only dating because of physical attraction? That happened to me and it took me months to realise. Not really keen to repeat that experience.

Should you be slow to be "official" or slow to sleep together...? Slow to trust the person? Slow to fall in love? can you take "things slow" when you're head over heals in love?

[Batya33]

I never liked the "taking it slow" as a way to describe waiting to have sex. I believed in taking things at a comfortable, reasonable pace. For me personally that meant continuing my life -activities/friends/work while getting to know the person by going on dates once or twice a week and for me, I wasn't comfortable having sex until we were exclusive, in love, with strong potential for marriage. Typically that meant waiting at least a few months or longer -usually more like 3-4 or longer. I made one exception with one person and I regretted it.

 

I also don't like the negative view of screening for red flags or seeing if a guy is "trustworthy" -to me that was more like guilty till proven innocent. I think it is about approaching getting to know the person from a position of confidence and being ok with walking away if the values/character/integrity don't match up. So, not having sex right away and not seeing each other every single day is a good way to make sure you're getting to know the person as part of your life, not making the person your whole life when the person is mostly a stranger.

[mhowe]

The best time to "take it slow" IS when you think you are "head over heals" in love --- because that is INFATUATION.

 

And infatuation doesn't last. So whether it is weeks or months, one should hold off on sex, text as minimal as possible, see each other out and about ---- not just "in the love bubble" ----- and trust with open eyes. Watch their interactions with friends, family and even the public.

 

When you were a kid ---- did you run off the high dive into the deep end? Likely not.

[j.man]

When you're head over heels "in love" is precisely when you should be taking it slow.

 

A lot of people will tell you that someone suggesting to take it slow is simply speaking code for disinterested, but all you have to do is read through these forums for 10 minutes to see why people are increasingly preemptively insisting on it.

 

There are way too many people out there who forego the entire process of growing toward each other and instantly move into growing with each other. How many people do you see upset because someone they've gone on four, three, or even fewer dates with isn't texting them every day of the week? Or who have been seeing someone for all of two months and "haven't loved someone as much as they do him/her?"

 

For the most part, I assume taking it slow is something people suggest when they're wary of one of two things:

 

a) The other person might only be in it for the sex.

b) The person is needy/clingy/moving things forward way too fast.

 

I've only ever said it once before. When I said it, I meant, "You'd be a really cool girl if you would stop acting so ****ing needy." She didn't change at all and shame on me for thinking she would. It lasted less than another week.

[mhowe]

While I wouldn't recommend "our" pace ---- looking back, my bf "courted" me for 2 years. Not that I noticed until the very end.

And then --- because we had taken a long time to develop our friendship from acquaintance to casual to friends...the first kiss was followed by the first sleepover and the story began.

[Clinton]

There is no one fits all answer for that. Everyone has their own timetable and expectations for this.

 

Some think taking it slow means sex, others think it's the emotional commitment. And amount of time is unique to each person

[Sportster2005]

I've seen people take it slow and it works. I've seen people meet once and decide it's relationship time, and it works.

 

You have to find what works for you. And then find someone that goes at the same pace.