Are we together or not ?

[Diva777]

Hey everyone. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We both love each other very much and just as any relationship we've had our ups and downs.

 

About a week ago we got into a fight. And ever since then he's been saying he loves me and is attached to me but he needs space and time to think. We've still been talking everyday (not a lot maybe a couple texts here and there) and he's been telling me what he would like me to do differently if we remain together.

 

Since he's telling me what he would like me to do to change and since he's been saying he wants us to be healthier and more equal I'm pretty sure he's not breaking up with me. Because if he was breaking up with me he would've done it already or he wouldn't be telling me all this stuff on what he'd like me to do differently right?

 

Yesterday he asked me why I want to be with him and I responded with this long heart felt message and he texted me back today saying my message meant a lot to him and he loved what I wrote. The past few days he's been saying he appreciates everything I've been doing and saying he loves everything I'm telling him.

 

I think things are looking pretty hopeful because he hasn't mentioned a work about breaking up or not wanting to work things out. So I'm guessing we're still a couple right? The most concerning thing he's said is just that he needs space and time to think. And that was about 4 days ago and ever since then he's seemed a little bit happier saying I mean a lot to him and cute things like that.

 

However I'm still feeling upset and a little confused though because I haven't seen him in almost a week now. I know he works a lot and even when things are going great between us he tries to see me as much as he can but he works long hours and is tired a lot of the time. Why hasn't he asked me to hang out? Is it likely he just needs more space? What should I do in my situation...just try to act cool about it and respect his space? I really miss him.

 

Today he asked why I want a relationship with him over a friendship. And then I responded by just elaborating on the fact that I love him and he means too much to me to only be a friend. He hasn't responded yet though and it's been a few hours. Do you guys think it's looking positive in my situation that we'll end up staying together and not break up right now? I'm just confused since he's still asking me questions like why I want to be with him and why I want a relationship with him and things like that.

 

I could just really use some advice on what to do. I'm pretty good at respecting his space so I guess I'll just continue to do that and he'll come around soon right? I just feel almost like I'm waiting for him to tell me a definite answer whether we're together or its over. I feel like we'll stay together but just the fact that he hasn't asked to hang out or hasn't told me a definite answer is a little concerning.

 

We did see each other a lot recently before our fight so maybe he's just enjoying his space since he hasn't had time to himself for a while. Does that sound realistic ? My instinct is telling me we're together and we'll stay together. However it's just bothering me he hasn't asked to see me and he's been asking me some questions as if he hasn't made up his mind yet. im just kinda confused about his behavior like he says hopeful things like how he likes everything I'm saying and he tells me what he'd like me to do differently so it's almost as if he's giving me another chance just without flat out saying that. But on the other hand I know our fight hurt him and upset him and he hasn't asked to hang out and it's been 6 days. Any advice would be appreciated!

[BentGattling]

Don't always assume he's enjoying his space. The problem is you committed before trust was established. While this advice isn't for everyone and I've said this before; games are a social dance that can create trust. 1) No more "why you love him responses on demand." He must earn them. 2) Actually give him space but move out of limbo, that is start emotionally, mentally, and physically preparing to move on. Limbo is a terrible place to be. Start going out. Start focusing on your life and dreams. 3) When I say give him space give him a lot more than he's bargained for. Stop initiating communication. Return communications with increased time in between and less actual words. Make him work!

[mhowe]

It sounds like this is a one way interview. I don't see a happy ending.

[Diva777]

Why would you say that? Last night he sent me messages saying I love you with hearts and emojis. I think it's pretty safe to say there will be a happy ending otherwise I think he'd be acting completely different. I think he's just asking questions because he wants to test me or something or see if he's making the right decision to stay with me.

 

I also have stopped initiating the communication which seems to make him text me more. It seems like the more distant I act towards him the more he chases me. When he's been texting me I'll respond hours later or even the next day and he's been sending me other messages in between asking if I've read his messages. I'm just confused about the fact that he hasn't asked to hang out. I know he wants to be with me because otherwise he wouldn't be taking to me still and writing me cute messages. It's just upsetting not knowing when I'll see him next and I don't know what to do as far as getting him to agree to meet

[mhowe]

If you have to pass some test to date a guy, my suggestion would be that you tell him your interest in exams is over.

 

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. Texting is the laziest formof communication on the planet. You can actually do it when you are sitting on the toilet and have nothing better to do.

[Diva777]

But in my situation he works 12 hr a day and 6-7 days a week because his boss has a deadline to meet. I think he's just extremely tired and feels stressed because of work and our fight. Normally he never questions me but I think he wants to make the right decision whether to stay with me or not. Our relationship means too much to me for me to easily just tell him it's over

[mhowe]

But in my situation he works 12 hr a day and 6-7 days a week because his boss has a deadline to meet. I think he's just extremely tired and feels stressed because of work and our fight. Normally he never questions me but I think he wants to make the right decision whether to stay with me or not. Our relationship means too much to me for me to easily just tell him it's over

 

 

Also in you situation you don't want to hang with his friends and make it difficult to be with you. I don't think it's your choice if the relationship is over...it's his. And being with you isn't fun anymore. It's just more stress.

[Diva777]

You're way off on this. The way my relationship is with him is we have fun and are happy together. He's told me multiple times before that's it's more fun hanging out with me than it is with his friends and that's why he chooses to spend free time with me rather than anyone else. His friends all love me too and say I'm the best girl for him. I'm looking for advice here, not to be criticized. I know my boyfriend, and if this was over he wouldn't be texting me cute messages and telling me what he wants me to do differently.

 

If we were breaking up, it would've happened already. He told me a few days ago he has fun with me and a relationship with me does make him happy but he wants us to be more equal and healthier. So obviously I'm not all stress for him. I was just looking for someone to reply with maybe an explanation on the way a guys mind works so I can try to understand the possible reasoning why he hasn't asked to hang out in the past few days

[mhowe]

If it weren't on its way out, you would be seeing him instead of getting texts.

If it were awesome, you would Not have had a fight a week ago.

If he wanted to be with you, he would not have asked for space.

 

It doesn't matter how many threads you start and how little info you put in each...it all adds up to the fact that he is busy working, he asked for time and space to reevaluate the relationship, and that the easiest thing to reduce his stress is to reduce how often he sees you.

[mhowe]

What has he asked you to do differently?

What changes must YOU make to make it more equal?

Why has he been carrying the load?

[Diva777]

First off, every relationship has fights at some point. If you're with someone, it's pretty safe to say that you won't ALWAYS agree on everything. So our fight last week was completely normal I think he's just stressed from work and our fight stressed him more and he just needs time to himself for now because we normally see each other so much.

 

So just because he hasn't asked to hang out in almost a week you think that means we're over? I think it means he just wants space for now which he hasn't gotten in a long time. And can't a guy ask for space while still wanting to be with the girl? I know if I'm stressed out about things I'll even ask him for space because I just want to be alone sometimes. Everyone needs space at some point.

 

And I'm starting multiple threads because it's helping me feel better. So you can stop criticizing me and my relationship now. I'm fully aware things might not work out but I'm trying to stay hopeful because I know him and based on the way he's talking to me I know things will be okay with us. I'm looking for advice here. Because I feel depressed about this and needed a friend or someone to talk to and express positive things to me because I'm not feeling any better right now on my own and it helps knowing someone is out there for me. He just means a lot to me

[mhowe]

What is he asking you to change to make the relationship more equal? Why is the relationship unequal?

[Diva777]

Because when I get really upset I can be irrational at times and his feelings get hurt. And he says if he was really upset he wouldn't do the things I do to him like yelling or being immature like that. There's things the two of us need to work on but that's what I need to change..just the way I react to things because he doesn't want little things to bother me anymore. I just over think things too much sometimes and cause a problem out of nothing. It hasn't happened a lot but I know it annoys him and that's what I'm working on

[mhowe]

How are you working on it? It sounds like a hard thing to change when you are by yourself.

[Diva777]

I've just been giving it a lot of thought on what I can do to manage my emotions when I feel upset. I'm trying to think of appropriate ways I can communicate with him rather than attacking him if he did something that really bothered me. And yea It's hard to prove over texting. But it's not something so serious where i think I need counseling. I just need to stop over thinking things. I've also been trying to keep myself busy that way I don't just sit around all day and pick at the little negatives in my relationship. I know this is something I can change about myself I just was selfish and never really thought about how he feels when I freak out on him like that. I just need to stay more calm and not let little things bother me as much

[mhowe]

But are you thinking that the first time you blow up again, he is gonna throw in the towel?

Maybe an anger management course would be a good idea?

 

Because behavior is the hardest thing to change...and if he triggers something and you just respond....yikes.

[Diva777]

I know, it seems like I very easily could mess up again if I make one wrong mistake. I just really need to make sure I think before I talk or act. But I've controlled it before like I said it doesn't happen often at all. So there's been other times I've controlled my emotions and haven't flipped out on him and things have been okay we've instead had a mature conversation instead of me causing a fight. So I feel confident in myself that I can continue to be mature about it since I've done it many times before I just can't let myself slip

[Ms Darcy]

I know, it seems like I very easily could mess up again if I make one wrong mistake. I just really need to make sure I think before I talk or act. But I've controlled it before like I said it doesn't happen often at all. So there's been other times I've controlled my emotions and haven't flipped out on him and things have been okay we've instead had a mature conversation instead of me causing a fight. So I feel confident in myself that I can continue to be mature about it since I've done it many times before I just can't let myself slip

 

OP, you are all over the place. Things are good and normal. Things are on edge and on ice.

 

I think you should just start communicating more openly, through a phone call, with your bf.

[Helpexpressme]

I dont see it working out. I would want to see my girl im in love with. "space" just means "im thinking of breaking up with you".

[boltnrun]

If you're so sure everything is fine...what are you asking?

[sargon]

At the moment you are not together, you're in a breakup.

 

Don't be so nice and self depreciating.

 

He may act like he really enjoys reading your letters and hearing how much you love him but the truth is when you make yourself so easy and act like a pushover he loses respect and attraction for you.

 

During this breakup downtime read the book about why men love b-i-t-c-h-es. Good stuff in there.

[Diva777]

We're not broken up. He's definitely not the type of guy to hold back from his feelings and let things die on their own. He would've flat out told me we're done if he wanted to break up. Since I've made this post him and I have talked and I got some of the answers I needed.

 

And my instinct was telling me everything was fine. I just wanted to get outside opinions

[mhowe]

How much longer is the "space" going to last?

[Diva777]

And also isn't it normal for guys to want space? I mean my boyfriend has said to me before that he wouldn't want to spend too much time with anyone...no matter who it is or how great they are. And what if they work a lot? Isn't it understandable that he'd want to come home and rest besides seeing his girl sometimes? Normally I see him a lot and I know he's attached to me otherwise he wouldn't be talking to me everyday. Especially after a fight wouldn't it be realistic to not want to see that person for a little and cool down first?

[mhowe]

It is normal. It just isn't normal for you guys. You have gone from seeing each other every day to not seeing each other at all.