Did I scare him away???

[loulou76]

I started talking to a guy last year, whenever we met (he works in a mall in town), we'd always have a chat if he was free. Usually about work and hobbies etc.. I always let him approach me as I'm not forward and kinda shy I suppose. He is a nice looking guy, looks a bit of a player to be honest... and I really fancied him. I've been called cute by guys before but was surprised as last month he gave me his number..He said he had liked me for a long time and that it took him a long time to pluck the courage up to ask me out so I texted him and he said he really liked me..

He started off being really flirty which soon turned into wanting me to sext him and meet up for a hookup.. Although I really liked him I said NO!!! and asked him to cool it and that I want to be in a relationship first and that I'm not that kinda girl and that I don't and have never slept about.. so he said ''let's be friends then'' so I was like ok.. but I never texted him so next time we met he said ''oh you never text me I'm so upset'' so I texted him about usual things but he turned things down the sex route again and he started to ask to meet and go to a hotel for the first date!! so I refused and said again ''I've said I want to be in a relationship before anything happens sexwise'' then he said ''I don't want a relationship I don't want to be involved with anyone I've been really hurt and don't want that again'' so I said in that case we both want different things lets just forget things.. He now keeps trying to talk to me n i catch him looking over at me , he asks where I will be going at weekends and that but think he's lost his nerve... but if i text again things will go back to what they were (him pestering for sex)

It's a shame as I really did like him, I was really into him. He gave me that chemistry feeling i've hardly felt with a guy before but I have strong boundaries and I'm glad I never let him use me, but I can't understand why he wouldn't want a relationship as he has been in one before..

Why like me for all that time just to throw things away?

Do you think I scared him off, maybe I confused him and he thought I meant be married when I meant just be boyfriend and girlfriend??

It's great to ask other peoples advice on here as I don't have many close friends all my best friend said was '' guys sometimes like to sleep with a girl first then figure things out later'' but that is her and her boundaries not mine at all and I said '' I like to get to know a guy first and be in a relationship first..''

[ParisPaulette]

He started off being really flirty which soon turned into wanting me to sext him and meet up for a hookup.

 

I'm confused here. Why are you blaming yourself for turning him down for sex when that is clearly all he ever wanted? If you want just sex and an FWB with no commitments then great, but that isn't what you wanted, you made it known, guy finally bounced. And skeevy doesn't even begin to describe how I've felt about it when some guy I barely even know asks me to go to a motel. Hint: it's not to raid the minibar and watch bad cable TV.

 

And he only liked you to try and get you into bed, not as a person. People can actually sleep with people they even hate, sex and love are not linked together. Plenty of people, both men and women, see it as just sex or a game and that's that. And this one was clearly doing that.

 

The moment they start talking sex before they've even dated you, and dated you properly for at least a month, the writing is clearly on the wall. You are a potential booty call and they're just blowing smoke up your butt in the hopes enough flattery will get you to take your clothes off. This guy is yes indeed a player and a sleazeball one at that. I'm not sure why you liked him.

 

You didn't do anything wrong, but not put out for someone who would have used you then moved on to the next conquest.

[j.man]

You didn't scare him away. If you sent him a text right now saying, "Actually, let's book that hotel," you'd get a response within 5 minutes.

 

He wanted sex. You didn't. There was no point in continuing the conversation.

[ParisPaulette]

Also that's absolute bull that a guy will sleep with a girl first and then later on just presto magico turn into a good loving boyfriend. Your friend is fooling herself if she really believes that, because it isn't so. Or sure that guy who has so little respect for you that he sexts you from the beginning, doesn't even have the cajones to take you out on a real date, and wants you to meet him at a hotel to hook up might some day look up and think, "I should just stop using this girl for sex, I think I love her." And gosh darn if he doesn't turn out to be just the nicest guy.

 

Or you could just buy lottery tickets and keep hoping you get rich that way. Actually you have a better chance of winning the lottery than you ever do of the former. I have never seen or heard it, but I do know a naive girl or two of thousand who got hurt/pregnant/given an STD/sexually assaulted over scenarios like what you describe. At best he'd sleep with you then dump you leaving you broken hearted.

 

I don't think that's the future you want and I think you're actually the smart friend who won't end up with something or a whole lot of something she never wanted. Learn to spot the players and scammers and con artists early in life, and when a guy sexts you right off the bat tell him to blip off and show some respect. And then block and delete him. You'll do just fine. Don't feel bad, because you have standards and boundaries. That puts you ahead of a large part of the human race in terms of finding someone decent who won't just use you for sex or worse.

[jimthzz]

He likely is asking the same question to a series of other women he meets during each day. I would not attach any importnace to him having asked you particularly. You are confused because you are attracted to him.

 

He and you do not share the ame values regarding sex. He plays a percentages game, asking as many as he can until someone says yes.

 

Since you don't play that game, time to move on.

[loulou76]

Aww thanks, it's great to chat to people and hear their views. I was very attracted to him at first, but figured out he only wanted me for sex, which i refused him, just was attracted to the person i thought he was not what is really like.

Was just hurt by the fact that he only saw me as a potential conquest, not a relationship girl.

[shellyf62]

Block him & move on, he is nothing but a player

[greta96]

This exact same thing has happened to me a few times over the years, so I know how much it sucks and how frustrating it can be, because you like the guy, see potential in him, and yet every thing he does or says makes it crystal clear that all he wants from you is sex. I have tried, just like you, to switch the topic to regular stuff during conversations, but to no avail...a few seconds later the topic would be back to sex lol. It got annoying, after all I know I'm worth more than that, I'm worth a guy falling for me, not just using me as a warm place to stick his penis in! The only thing left to do in each and every case was to just drop it altogether, which is what you need to do as well.

 

It's a shame, but what can you do? He made clear what he wants from you, so it's up to you to believe him and not hope that you'll be able to change anything, because you won't. You're lucky he didn't change his tune when he saw you weren't giving in, and pretended to also want a relationship - many guys do this, just to get what they want. At least he was straight forward from day one.

 

You didn't scare him away, I can promise you he didn't think you were after marriage. He knew exactly what you meant, and it's just not what he's interested in - you two are looking for 2 very different things. So stop engaging him, block him and be done with him.