Boyfriend Having Female Friend Spend the Night

[fruju]

I'm in a somewhat new relationship with a man who I have been dating for a couple of months. While it's rather new, we have both established that we want to be exclusive and not see other people. This weekend he's going to an event that he signed up for before we even met that lasts for four days. A female friend is also going to the same event and asked if she could spend the night at his place the night before and get a ride with him the next day to the event. He mentioned her wanting to spend the night to me and said that he didn't want her to spend the night, because she could just meet him the morning of the event and then ride together. I figured he was probably doing that mostly out of respect to me, so it didn't create any trust issues, and I appreciated that. Well, today me mentions that she will be spending the night after all, because he didn't want to tell her no. I trust him so far, mostly because he hasn't given me any reason not to trust him, but it does worry me that rather than set a boundary and tell her what he really wanted, he gave in and said yes. I don't want to turn into the jealous crazy girlfriend, but I do wish he had said no to this. If the roles were reversed, I would decline someone spending the night out of respect to show that there are boundaries. I don't know much about their history, or how well they know one another. I don't think she's a really close friend or anything. From what he's said, she's more of a casual acquaintance that's he met through the same events they attend, but they don't keep in regular contact. Any suggestions on what I should do, or say if anything? I really like this guy and don't want to overreact, but I'm definitely feeling the green eyed monster. Also, he only has one bed in his place and his couch isn't the kind of place someone would want to sleep, so I'm afraid to even ask about sleeping arrangements! Help! Advice please.

[BigKK]

I think you have every right to voice your opinion. Also you got a glimpse into who you're dating, saying no to "an acquaintance" is harder than respecting your trust...although you never said anything.

 

I don't think it's a big deal in general, but I would of been annoyed with the fact that my girlfriend couldn't say no to someone...especially if they don't matter much. If it was a close friend of hers...then it would be a none issue.

 

You can ask where she's sleeping if you want, one would hope not in his bed.

[fruju]

I think you have every right to voice your opinion. Also you got a glimpse into who you're dating, saying no to "an acquaintance" is harder than respecting your trust...although you never said anything.

 

I don't think it's a big deal in general, but I would of been annoyed with the fact that my girlfriend couldn't say no to someone...especially if they don't matter much. If it was a close friend of hers...then it would be a none issue.

 

I'm just worried that maybe I should have said something when he first brought it up, like yeah, I don't feel comfortable with her spending the night, but I didn't say anything. I thought he would say no since he said he didn't want her to spend the night. Is it too late to speak up now? I mean, he's already told her she can and she's taking a train from an hour away to get here and is probably already on her way.

[BigKK]

Well it's a relationship...so communication is key. Ask him where she's sleeping. At the least he better be getting her an air mattress. I am fine with over night guests male or female with my girlfriend, but if it's a male, I expect them on the couch or air mattress. It's something I inherently know by talking about boundaries and being with my girlfriend...but we had to talk about it...at least once. I know she wouldn't be keen on a girl staying over in bed

 

"hey boyfriend I know Jane is staying over, wondering where she is sleeping, your couch is kind of small?"

[j.man]

I've had the exact same thing happen. You'll get mixed responses. Yes, you should ultimately trust him if you've chosen to be in a relationship with him. At the same time, I think it's a matter of respect to the partner and the relationship not to test boundaries like this, and certainly not so soon in.

 

Why does she need to stay at his place? Is he a lot closer to it than she is? Is it just her going up with him? It sounds weird that he's allowing someone who's a mere acquaintance to stay at his house and then drive up with him. If this were a long-time friend of his, I could understand him being kind and sharing his home, but to push relationship boundaries over an acquaintance? May not be "wrong," but to me it's extremely rude and disregarding toward you as the new girlfriend.

 

Sit down with him, tell him how you feel about it. If he's a good guy, he's going to try and think of ways to make this situation more comfortable for you.

[Helpexpressme]

Why can't she just meet him at his place on the morning of the event? Why does she have to stay the night? Sounds odd to me.

[fruju]

Yes, he lives closer to the event than she does. For him, it's a 2 hour drive from where we live. For her, it's 5 hour drive, so she is taking the train to our city, and then getting a ride from him, because she doesn't have a car. I can see why she would want a ride, so that makes sense to me. Like I said, I don't know how good of friends they are. He's said they have known one another for 3 years and that's about it.

[tattoobunnie]

Why don't you spend the night the same night too, and in the morning, go about your merry way. She is coming from far away, and they both need to leave super early, and that's why she can't drive in the morning?

[j.man]

You also said he admitted she's an acquaintance. That's what we're going off, here.

 

Wanting to be able to start the day at 5:00am instead of essentially pulling an all-nighter to make the time to catch the train up does make sense.

 

I think the best solution would be, assuming you two have done it before, either for you to stay at his place or for him to let her have his for the night so that he can come stay with you and then pick her up at his apartment in the morning.

 

There's simply no reason to test these boundaries two months in with another woman who isn't long-established as a friend.

[Helpexpressme]

Why does she not just catch a train/bus that goes right through to the event itself? Or her get a cheap room somewhere and meet him in the morning?

 

If it's all about "money" and she has none, that's not your b/friends problem, it's hers. She should have thought about how she was going to get to and from the event without assistance from your b/friend.

 

She's put him in a quandary.

[sargon]

Why don't you spend the night the same night too, and in the morning, go about your merry way. She is coming from far away, and they both need to leave super early, and that's why she can't drive in the morning?

 

Good plan. I'd like to hear his response to this.

[fruju]

Why does she not just catch a train/bus that goes right through to the event itself? Or her get a cheap room somewhere and meet him in the morning?

 

If it's all about "money" and she has none, that's not your b/friends problem, it's hers. She should have thought about how she was going to get to and from the event without assistance from your b/friend.

 

She's put him in a quandary.

 

Well he is the carpool contact for these events and routinely gives people rides. He gives people rides all the time, because we live in a large city and not everyone has a car to travel to some of the places. The event isn't in a place that easily accessible by public transportation.

[Helpexpressme]

Well he is the carpool contact for these events and routinely gives people rides. He gives people rides all the time, because we live in a large city and not everyone has a car to travel to some of the places. The event isn't in a place that easily accessible by public transportation.

 

But she does not need to stay the night, regardless.

[alli]

I don't think telling her that she can't stay there is about him having a lack of boundaries. It's about him telling her that she could, then being flaky & changing his mind. That's not cool to agree to something & bail out right before the event. Maybe she could have gotten a hotel cheaper had he just told her no in the first place. Hotels are such a waste of money. Where I live it's hard to find any for less than 80 bucks a night.

 

You are too uncomfortable to confront him about where she would sleep but not too uncomfortable to tell him you don't want her to sleep there at all? Why don't you just ask him to get an air mattress. And as someone else suggested maybe you could sleep there that night too. Or if that's not an option, maybe the three of you can get dinner/pizza together & hang out in the evening. They would both have to be pretty sleezy to do anything sober after you all hung out together.

 

I would be much more concerned about a girl wanting to stay there after an evening of drinking or partying than I would the evening before having to wake up early & drive a couple hours to an event.

[fruju]

Why don't you spend the night the same night too, and in the morning, go about your merry way. She is coming from far away, and they both need to leave super early, and that's why she can't drive in the morning?

 

Tonight isn't a good night for me to spend the night or for him to come to my place due to some other things that I have going on right now. Plus, should I really have to be the one to step forward and make it right by putting myself out and change my plans just so I can monitor them?

[fruju]

But she does not need to stay the night, regardless.

 

No, she does not. He even said that he doesn't know why she can't take the morning train tomorrow and meet him then.

[Helpexpressme]

Why don't you spend the night the same night too, and in the morning, go about your merry way. She is coming from far away, and they both need to leave super early, and that's why she can't drive in the morning?

 

I like what bunny said too, and here's a question. What are the arrangements with her coming home from the event? Staying the night again?

 

I think you have 2 options.

 

1. Stay the night aswell

2. Hide outside in the bushes with a good pair of binoculars and a crisp clear listening device.

[BigKK]

No, she does not. He even said that he doesn't know why she can't take the morning train tomorrow and meet him then.

 

He can and could of told her that, sounds like he doesn't have much of a back bone.

[fruju]

I like what bunny said too, and here's a question. What are the arrangements with her coming home from the event? Staying the night again?

 

I think you have 2 options.

 

1. Stay the night aswell

2. Hide outside in the bushes with a good pair of binoculars and a crisp clear listening device.

 

Bwahahaha! I might have to go with option 2. Staying the night isn't an option for me tonight, so that is out.

[tattoobunnie]

Well if you're not interested in staying the night, or going to hang out with them tonight, and you won't tell him you're uncomfortable, then it's just your deal. You assumed he said "no" initially because of your relationship, when in reality, he could of say "no" because he didn't want her to spend the night period.

 

If you can't communicate with him your feelings, you are SOL pretty much the remainder of the relationship. People can't read your mind.

[fruju]

He can and could of told her that, sounds like he doesn't have much of a back bone.

 

That's what concerns me more than anything, that initially his gut told him to say no, but he didn't want to hurt her feelings so overrode whatever I might be feeling. He didn't even ask if I was cool with it. He brought it up a few days ago and said that he didn't want her to, so I didn't say anything, thinking he would just handle it in that way and say no. I was wrong.

[j.man]

Tonight isn't a good night for me to spend the night or for him to come to my place due to some other things that I have going on right now. Plus, should I really have to be the one to step forward and make it right by putting myself out and change my plans just so I can monitor them?

At any point did you tell him no? I've been pretty clearly in your camp, but if he's willing to have one of you stay the night at the other's, then it really is just a case of him giving her a hand so that she can wake up at 5:00am instead of having to start training up several hours earlier than that, regardless of his naivety.

 

Do you two not live in the same town? What's making it impossible to simply spend sleeping hours at each other's place? Whatever it is, is it worth you passing up the opportunity to not have to worry nearly as much about it?

 

In any case, I think you'd get some telling answers by simply bringing it up to him as an option and seeing his reaction. If he's adamant about them having the night alone, then my hairs might start rising.

 

ETA: Still on your side, here. He didn't take the time to consider his partner in this decision and informed you of it the day of, when it would be harder for you to accommodate something like we've suggested. He owes you. Big.

[fruju]

The reason I can't spend the night with him tonight and can't have him over is because I have a couple of family members in town staying with me at my place. They came here to specifically visit me, and since he's a new boyfriend, I haven't introduced him just yet. It would be rude for me to abandon them to go stay with him, and weird for me to have to explain why I suddenly need to leave them alone at my place to stay with him. Make sense?

[fruju]

I feel like I'm in a really awkward position right now...

[fruju]

I do thank everyone for the suggestions, it's just not an option what everyone is suggesting I do.