Update: I called his wife about the affair...

[Smity22]

Soo, last night I got up the nerve to actually call her. I made sure it was her and made sure he was not home at the time. (I was pretty sure he would be at work.) I told her that her husband had been cheating on her with me the last 2 1/2 years, and I honestly had NO idea he was married, and that I was very sorry. I also told her about all the lies he told me, like who he was living with etc. She was surprisingly calm, and asked me a few questions... she even said that she had a strong feeling it was going on but had no evidence and he is such a good liar nothing ever came of her suspicions when she asked him.

 

I told her I was sorry shhe had to find out from me, and I wasn't trying to do it to hurt her or get him back, but I thought that she should know... she was crying at the end of our conversation but told me thank you, otherwise she would never have known for sure.

 

All in all, it went MUCH better than expected... although I was awakened this morning at about 2 am by a call from him cussing at me, saying "thanks for ruining my marriage..." I just told him that he's the one who ruined it, and he didn't deserve her, and hung up. I'm still a little in shock about it all... thanks to EVERYONE who gave advice!

[hockeyboy]

even though you went against what most people told you to do, i think you did the right thing. now she can move on with her life and get rid of that creep. without telling her...she would have wasted more of her life on this guy who certainly doesnt deserve anyone.

[savannahohsavannah]

Okay, so have you ever heard of Scott Peterson? The fella in the US who murdered his wife when she found out his affair. Some socio's respond violently when they are caught in their dirty nasty deeds. Your guy called you and cussed you out last nite. I would totally call the law and if he ever tries to get in your sphere, I'd go to family court and get a restraining order. After all you f&&ked this fellas game up. Sure, he deserved it, but now he has to find a new way to play. And I'm betting he's livid.

 

Also, anonther observation, it sounds like you are right about his wife being a gem, but I can tell you from experience that some men are such incredibly talented liars (socio types who seem to have this weird connection to others that makes people want to believe them) that what you did may not stand. He might do things to make you look like a huge liar. I'd love to hear how he tries to trash you, and he will do just that.

 

The thing for you to do now is move on. And if it were me, I would only go out into public with others, never alone for a while. I would not walk to my car alone. In short, I would make sure that I have people around me at all times for about a year, so I could frustrate him when/if he attempts to physically hurt me.

[DN]

I have to agree with savannahohsavannah. Well, of course I do, because I posted similar warnings before.

 

Don't get scared witless by this but it is a possibility and you should take reasonable precautions. At the first sign of anything even remotely scary tell the police and get a restraining order.

 

Good luck.

[Mun]

I'm not surprised at his reaction. Thanks for the update.

 

I hope you can put this behind you soon and move on in your life.

 

 

Love

[RayKay]

I read your other post, but did not post in it, as it is a delicate situation...sometimes you should tell, sometimes not, personally I think you did the right thing for this situation as I don't think it was purely vengeful nor was it to win him back.

 

Her reaction shows she definitely probably "knew" in her heart..who knows what their marriage has been like last while...I think people know though deep down when there is something going on. I think it was fair for you to tell her...I am not sure she will end up leaving him (he is a manipulator, and she may feel she needs to stay, depending on her own beliefs, etc) but you gave her the option. I hope she does leave him though, he sounds like a selfish jerk.

 

I hope now you can put this in the past, and move on. I am not surprised he called you, and from now on don't even give him the time of day...no calls, no letters, nothing. There is someone better (and unattached!) out there for you!

 

Personally......would I WANT to know....no, of course not, who WANTS that news? Would I NEED to know...you bet. It would hurt like all heck, but yes, I would want to know..then I could either make choice to leave or depending on the details see what partner and I would do...(I would most likely leave though).

 

Good luck

[annie24]

Wow - I think it's good that you told her. I think I'd want to know if I were in the wife's shoes. Like everyone else said, try to stay safe. Chances are he may just cuss at you, and that will be the worst of it. But just in case... always lock your doors, think about getting a security alarm, carry pepper spray with you, get a door jam... those kinds of things. Those are good things to do anyways.

 

Good luck! I wish you far better luck in future relationships.

[Hope75]

Smitty,

 

Does this mean you are not going to marry him, I hope?

 

Although I didn't think it was wise for you to talk to his wife, it sounds like it went well. I hope that talking to his wife helped show you what a lying snake he is and how he had no problem continuing to lie to her.

 

The fact that he was mad at you and thanking you for "ruining his marriage" tells me that he had no intention of leaving his wife to marry you, and I hope you can see that too. He doesn't even see what he was doing was wrong, since he blamed you for this. You don't need a guy like this.

 

I am sorry you had no idea he was married, for how long were you in the dark?

 

Now that you know, your best bet is to stay away from this cheating jerk and reclaim your own life. Next time, if you find out a guy you are seeing is married and still with his wife, I hope you will know better and dump the loser.

 

Good luck and be safe.

[annie24]

Okay, so have you ever heard of Scott Peterson? The fella in the US who murdered his wife when she found out his affair. Some socio's respond violently when they are caught in their dirty nasty deeds. Your guy called you and cussed you out last nite. I would totally call the law and if he ever tries to get in your sphere, I'd go to family court and get a restraining order. After all you f&&ked this fellas game up. Sure, he deserved it, but now he has to find a new way to play. And I'm betting he's livid.

 

Also, anonther observation, it sounds like you are right about his wife being a gem, but I can tell you from experience that some men are such incredibly talented liars (socio types who seem to have this weird connection to others that makes people want to believe them) that what you did may not stand. He might do things to make you look like a huge liar. I'd love to hear how he tries to trash you, and he will do just that.

 

/

 

After the whole Scott Peterson thing and Smity's post, I think if I get involved with a new guy, I'll do a quick internet background search on him. Sometimes, you think you know someone and they turn out to be completely different. I think I have pretty good "radar" when it comes to men, but some are very talented liars.

[DN]

It's not a bad idea when first meeting people to look at their wedding ring finger. If there are any signs a ring was on there a big red flag should go up. Of course this is not infallible, and it could mean they are recently divorced, separated or whatever. But I have an identation where my wedding ring is (but it has been on a long time) and in the summer of course there is no tan underneath.

[DN]

"some women too, Annie!!" he said with a smile and a nod to gender equality.

[annie24]

True, DN. I've just never dated women, so I can't speak from personal experience.

[DN]

Oh, well, I have and most of the time it's great. At least, it was before I got married and things may have changed since then,

[11flower]

Wow! You are brave. Good for you for comin' clean on the matter. It almost sounds that though you made a choice, you were also somewhat vicitmized and possibly manipulated. Is this so?

 

Interesting insights from Savannahohsavannah and very good common sense there from her.

 

That guy does sound rather somewhat a sociopath. The fact that he doesn't take any responsibility initially and shifts blame on you is indicative totally of a con.

 

If you think he has any at all capability that what others are saying will happen, take their advice!

 

I agree with everyone, but unless you have a very strong sense that what most are advising about the sleezbag and his retribution, I would just keep it in mind and remain alert. It never hurts to be prepared for the worst possible outcome, but don't go around paranoid. Just stay alert, keeping in mind all of what everyone has said.

 

11Flower

[Smity22]

He just called me crying, begging to take him back! I can't believe the gall of that man!!!

 

**and NO hope, I am definitely not going to marry him... or ever see him again (hopefully!)

[11flower]

And Smitty22,

 

When he pulls the "I'll kill myself if I can't have you" crap, who knows but what he'd probably ending up dumping you or even seriously harming you when he didn't get his way.

 

It takes strength to do what you're doing, and you have character for calling his wife. All power to you in your future and hopefully you will never have to run into someone like that again. He'd end up treating you the same way, probably cheating on you with someone else.

 

The guy is ultimately totally jacked up. Scary.

 

11Flower

[Smity22]

Thanks flower! I know in my head how crazy he is, and although I do still have love for him, I know I can never be with him again. If he does it to her, he would do it to me! It's funny how you can love someone and hate them at the same time! The whole NC thing will be even easier too b/c he will be going back to Iraq again very soon.

[DN]

Plus, if he does kill himself, it's solved your problem and hers; plus she gets the insurance money to look after the boy.

 

Sorry, but I have no time for cheating liars.

[PrincessLinzay]

Im really glad you told her. I know that in her position, I would definitely have wanted to know. I think she responded in a very mature way, and I agree with you that he doesn't deserve her (or you for that matter). Sounds like she's leaving him (hence his psychotic mood swings).

 

It takes a lot of strength and courage to do the right thing, and I think you did. Good job!

[melrich]

Well I was one who advised you not to tell her. I still think you could have just walked away from this and put it down to a bad experience.

 

Unfortunately I now have to agree with some of the other posters here. I think you have potentially gotten yourself into a bad situation.

 

If this guys marriage does break down he is going to get angrier and angrier. For all the wrong reasons he is likely to focus that anger on you. Guys like this rarely take responsibility for their own actions. He will want a scapegoat, someone to blame the whole thing on, someone to get back at.

 

You need to start thinking about taking some precautions. Unfortunately i do not think you have heard the end of this.

[11flower]

Yeah, but is she almost sure that this guy will act in this way? I've never heard anything from her yet on this. It has been only everyone else's comments and opinions.

 

Don't get me wrong, everyone who posted that this guy could act up may very well be totally right. And of course it wouldn't hurt to be prepared for this sort of thing.

 

But not once has she confirmed or agreed. He also could just keep trying to contact and not be so violent towards her.

 

What do you think, Smitty22?

 

11Flower

[PrincessLinzay]

Im going to disagree with the other posters again as far as being concerned now for your safety. This was already a long distance relationship, so it's not likely he's going to be able to "pop on by". He's also in the military. In the military, infidelity is actually a CRIME. If you had any threats upon your safety, help is a phone call away. You should take all the precautions for your safety that you usually take. Take care of yourself. Also, she did say he's going away to Iraq.

 

Also, he's given no indication that he's violent. This is all speculation that he's going to come after her. So far he's been "all talk" with everything else, there's no reason to believe that this is any different. Be cautious, but don't be paranoid unless you have a reason.

 

I stand by what I said in that I think you did the right thing.

[savannahohsavannah]

Plus, if he does kill himself, it's solved your problem and hers; plus she gets the insurance money to look after the boy.

 

Sorry, but I have no time for cheating liars.

 

Not a great joke here. More often that not a spouse who threatens suicide can quickly turn killer. This is nothing to sneeze at, sadly. But don't worry. Most guys don't go that far. And anyway, if his wife hasn't killed him, and you haven't killed him, the Iraqi's may! (VERY BAD JOKE!)

[hockeyboy]

Plus, if he does kill himself, it's solved your problem and hers; plus she gets the insurance money to look after the boy.

 

Sorry, but I have no time for cheating liars.

 

Not a great joke here. More often that not a spouse who threatens suicide can quickly turn killer. This is nothing to sneeze at, sadly. But don't worry. Most guys don't go that far. And anyway, if his wife hasn't killed him, and you haven't killed him, the Iraqi's may! (VERY BAD JOKE!)

 

i dont think he was joking. i hope not anyways.

[HeavenLee]

OMG, I can't believe he rang you begging you to come back.... THE NERVE OF HIM!!! Some people just don't get it. What's wrong with him?

 

I have to say that you mentioned in one of your posts that if he "did it to her, he would do it to you". Well, the fact is, he did do it to you. And you should remember that loud and clearly next time he calls you. I hope the next time he does attempt contact you ignore his calls though. He's not worth a second of your time. I agree with DN, I have no time for liars or cheaters and they are only a waste of valuable space and air.

 

I don't even know how you could possible still have feelings for this guy. You can't really get much lower than the way he acted.

 

I really admire what you did by calling his WIFE though. I always think that it's better to let someone know, so that they can make the right decision for themselves. It took alot of courage, and I'm sure she is thankful. There have been only 2 good things to come out of this.... that you got out, and that hopefully the wife will too to go on and find something better. And for him, who cares, let him go and wallow in his own self pity.... he has no one to blame but himself and I hope he is miserable and unhappy. It's the very least that he deserves.