So if I do call his wife and tell her about his affair...??

[Smity22]

It seems like a lot of you on here said you would want to know if your husband was having an affair... but if I do tell her, what do I say? I'm not trying to beat anyone down about this subject, I just dont have anyone else to turn to because I am embarrassed for being such a fool. You can look at my previous posts to know the full story, but if I were to call his wife what should I say? Thanks to anyone who helps out...

 

Oh yeah, she lives 3 states away so I would have to call her using a phone card which means she couldn't find out my real # if I didn't want her to...

[Mun]

She'll probably think you are lying... but if not, for sure you will ruin her trust in man. She will see her marriage as a big lie. She might leave him or she might not.

 

What he did was wrong, but...Why do you want to hurt her like that? Do you honestly think this will make you feel better? She's a victim here just like you are.

[hockeyboy]

i think the one who would be huriting this woman is the jerk cheating on her, not the informer. "don't shoot the messenger"

[Hope75]

I haven't read your other posts, but I am assuming you are the other woman? (forgive me if I'm wrong)

 

If so, I do not think you should tell his wife. What are your intentions by doing so? Are you trying to ruin thier relationship to get him all for yourself? Don't bother, he's ruining it already. And, why would you want a creep who cheats on his wife all to yourself anyway?

 

If he did it to her, you can be assured that you will be no different, given time. Guys like this rarely change.

 

I advise you to lose this cheater and get on with your life, find someone whose attention is 100% focused on you.

 

Good Luck!

[Mun]

Hockeyboy I hate to tell you this, but the messenger usually get some bad rep just because she delivers the message. its not fair but it happens. I question her motives here, not the fact that the husband is a cheating jerk.

 

Did you have some advice Hockeyboy? Maybe you have a good suggestion as to how she can go about telling the wife.

[DN]

I agree with Hope - plus revenge is never a pleasant thing. And it's all very well for folks to say "I would want to know" - but there is no way they can tell if she would want to know.

[hockeyboy]

Did you have some advice Hockeyboy? Maybe you have a good suggestion as to how she can go about telling the wife.

 

whats your problem?

 

ya, my advice would be to just tell her. how can you put "your husband is a cheater" nicely? she deserves to know so she doesnt have to waste her time with this guy anymore and she can get on with her life. if someone cheated on me i rather find out sooner rather then later. if i were with someone for say 10 years and then found out they've been cheating...that would be a whole lot worse then finding out in the first year. regardless of whether or not you are the other woman...the wife still deserves to know. i would possible say to leave it alone if he were going to just stop...however, once a cheater, always a cheater. if he doesnt come clean to her, if he does not feel bad enough already...he never will. who else is going to tell her if you dont?

[Mun]

I don't have a problem Hockeyboy

[hockeyboy]

okay

[sepiaswirl]

i thought about making a similar phone call about a spouse i know is cheating.

 

you are going to be telling this person something she doesn't want to hear. this person won't WANT to believe it. that said, appealing to her emotions is the last thing you should do. you need to give her facts. don't provide her with your "story." instead, let the evidence she finds tell the story. don't talk too much about *your* problems or sadness about this..only elaborate if she wants to know more. focus on her.

 

- i would start the call by giving her a couple of facts only someone who is intimate with her hubby would know. a quick, factual attention-getter that will allow her to (1) trust someone she's never met and (2) stay on the phone.

 

- during the call i would give her some "tasks." allow her to have control of the process of finding out things. for example, tell her to check phone records for the past 2.5 years. if you have given him gifts or letters in the past, tell her where these things might be. if you have an email record of interaction, offer her the messages. if you don't have any evidence for her to find, i wouldn't even call.

 

- very important - i would ask her to gather all the evidence you give her access to (or point her to) BEFORE she approaches her husband.

 

- i would then tell her your story (very briefly). tell her how you were deceived, and ensure that the evidence substantiates that. tell her you are very hurt. if you want him to "pay" for what he did, well tell her that! don't pretend to be an angel...just be entirely honest.

 

- after this, stay on the phone and ask her if she has any questions for you. allow her to ask you questions and process the information you gave her in her own time.

 

the very last thing you should do is use a phonecard or *67. once she approaches hubby and finds out the deal, she'll know all about you. this is especially true if she finds phone records. if you did nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide. in my opinion, showing that you have no affectations or fear of reprisal would bolster your credibility.

 

if you really didn't know she was married, i would say the both of you have a very sad thing in common - you were both deceived horribly by the same man. don't hide from her. instead, i think you should try to relate, and perhaps establish a bond with her (if she doesn't shoot the messenger, that is).

 

hope this helps.

 

oh yeah, in case you were wondering, i decided not to call the spouse even the best laid plans can backfire. be ready to adapt if things go wrong.

 

L

[DN]

I reiterate an earlier post I made on this: be very certain that this does not backfire badly on you. If you tell his wife and all hell breaks loose on him (which I agree he deserves) be sure he, or his friends, don't come looking for pay back. None of us on this site would want you to be hurt physically as well as emotionally.

 

Before you say "he's not like that!" remember that you didn't read his character well before you found out he was the sort of person to cheat on his wife.

 

This is not meant to dissuade or alarm you, you are obviously suffering enough - but just to urge that you be cautious.

[hockeyboy]

yes giving facts is probably important

[sisterlynch]

If you are going to call, do so at a time when she will be alone, and have the whole day to recover. You may want to do it on a Sat or a Sunday, then she will not have to get up and go to work the next morning.

 

Call her by name, say your name, or make one up, it really doesn't matter, just say a name to her so that she can start to put it all together...

 

Hi, are you Mrs. Jane Smith? My name is Courtney, and you don't know me, but I need to tell you some thing that may surprise you or hurt you....is now a good time or not?

 

I just wanted to tell you, the time that your husband was supposed to be at a training session in Los Vegas, he was with me in Oklahoma...this will cause her to maybe yell at you or maybe hang up the phone.

 

She will confront him, and he will know that it is you even if you give a false name.

[Smity22]

I know it may seem like I have just bad intentions in calling her, but thats not the case in the least. It wasn't like it was just a "fling" I have the engagement ring and all....

[ShuShu Fontana]

A married man asked you to marry him? And your intention in making this call isn't to get his wife to leave him? Seriously? For real? Am I missing something?

[DN]

your last post actually tells me that it is more about you than it is about her.

 

You feel justifiably deceived, hurt and outraged, but she would be just as hurt by a 'fling' as anything else. He is a cheater, the fact he is a lying toerag as well is not going to make that much difference to her.

[Day_Walker]

I wouldnt make the call. The conversation wont come off well and I doubt she will believe you.

[lady00]

I agree with Day Walker. It's too bad that his wife won't find out...at least not right away but if you call her it is doubtful that any good will come of it. What do you hope to achieve? If you think she will thank you and dump her husband, that is highly unlikely. He sounds like he is a great liar, so he will probably be able to convince her that you made the whole thing up. He's been a jerk and cheated on her and I'm guessing he lied to you too and told you he was single? I don't think you should get involved...just try to move on and forget about this guy and his wife. Sooner or later, she'll probably find out that he's up to no good but it's not your responsibility to let her know and she probably won't believe you...that'll just make you feel worse. You don't deserve to get hurt anymore in this situation so just try your best to let it go.

[PrincessLinzay]

Im going to take the opposing stance here. I think that you should tell her. What she does after she has the information is her business.

 

Since he is such an accomplished liar, she's probably also sitting there having absalutely no idea what the heck is going on. If I were her, I would want to know. She has as much right as anyone else to be able to make decisions for herself, instead of having people protecting her from the pain. The longer it goes, the more it's going to hurt when she does find out. At least she could find out from someone who will be kind about it. She might stay, there's always that possiblity, but a 2 1/2 year affair in which he proposed to another woman is not something to be taken lightly. This isn't a one night stand in which there's no point in telling after it's over and the other person has no intention of doing it again.

 

She may not react well to your telling her, she may not want to be your friend, but I still think she should know. If it was me, I would want to know.

 

That's just my opinion.

[DN]

Having read the opinions on both sides the fact is that most of them make some sort of sense. There really isn't a wrong or right answer, it is you that has to decide that. What you have to do now is sift through them, see which ones resonate the most with you and decide what you want to do.

 

Whatever you do decide, I would suggest you make that decision and act on it fairly soon. You need to be moving on with your life and not dwelling on this. Having acted, or not, put this mess behind you and get on with the rest of your life, determined to be happy again.

[mt_joy]

I'd make the call. He proposed to you! She has a right to know that her husband isn't just fooling around, he's proposing to another woman. I agree that you should tell her right off a secret that not many people would know. Tell her what has happened and that he said he was single. I'd want to know if it were me.

 

At one point my now ex husband cheated on me with a good friend of mine adn everyone in our little circle knew but me. TWO MONTHS later, one of those friends finally told me. I was devestated and kicked him out that same night. I couldn't live like that and I felt like such a fool.

[melrich]

Do not tell his wife.

 

First telling her will not make you feel better...it is likely to send you on a massive guilt trip. Okay he has done the wrong thing by both of you but you deal with your issues, don't embroil yourself in their issues.

 

Secondly, you will not get a favorable response. I have read some of your other posts and my guess is that his wife would suspect "something". She'll know something is not quite right. The fact that she has not delved into it further probably tells you all you need to know. She does not want to confront it. You will get no thanks from her by telling her what has been going on.

 

You would be surprised by how many wives and husbands are willing to stick their heads in the sand when it comes to their partners infidelities.

 

Don't tell her. You will regret it and once done you cannot turn back the clock.

[Hope75]

I'm wondering if your concern about whether to tell his wife should be your main one at this point.

 

Aren't you the least bit curious/concerned why it is that he PROPOSED to you, and yet is STILL with his WIFE??

 

I would not have accepted a ring from a man who obviously does NOT take commitment seriously!! Shouldn't it have been HIS job to tell her?

 

How is he planning to marry you, while still being married to her?? Is polygamy legal where you are, and are you willing to tolorate that? (obviously not, if you want to tell his wife!)

 

Why would you even want to be with a man who has such little regard for marriage? and what makes you think yours will be different?

 

This reeks of trouble, and I don't think you are being wise to get involved with this guy at all.

[Mun]

Smitty you've got some good advice from both sides of this. I hope you give us an update once you decide what you are going to do. I'm curious about how this is going to turn out.

 

Love

[peanut15]

Don't call her! Yes he cheated but its all going to end up coming back to you and you will end up being hurt moreso than when you found out he was married. He and his wife will come back at you and make you feel sorry that you got in the middle of the relationship. Yes he cheated on his wife but if you tell her, he's going to give you up like yesterday's trash and she'll come after you and blame you. A prepaid calling card, an unlisted number...nothing is going to protect you from the pain she is going to experience and the rage she will have.