How do you know when to stop trying

[zebragirl]

What would you tell someone whose been married nearly 11 years but is not happy. We met when I was 19 and he was 28. I didn'thave much life eexperience at all and lived a pretty sheltered life. Now after this long I am a grown woman, matured and have my own ideas and opinions and really I feel like we've grown apart. We have a pretty lousy sex life, he is a very low libido guy and has been for a long time. It's not his age. He told me years ago he didn't put sex as a very high priority. I should have listened. He thinks he can change the priority but honesty I don't see it changing. Even if thats all it were I don't want to live the rest of my life with someone who is happy having sex every couple months, no oral ever, just plain old vanilla and mark it on the calendar like he's crossed one off the list.

 

Besides that he is one of the most negative people I've been around. And very particular about things. Has alot of habits that cross over into ocd like behaviors or controlling behaviour. He has this lack of empathy and doesn't have the same ideals when it ccomes to kids or pets or family. Sometimes I wonder why we are even together, except I know i was looking for someone stable and dependable and honestly didn't know what I really wanted back when I was 19.

 

He is dependable financially and helps around the house. He likes to make sure I am safe, overly so. But in order to stay with him I feel I have to give up a part of who I am or what I really want. We also have a daughter together. I have been getting depressed and anxious and just feel like I've lost my way because I really don't know what to do. I am considering marriage counseling but I fear that's not going to change how I feel towards him because he is who he is. He might change some behaviours but I'm not really attracted to who he is. And I don't know how to deal with that without hurting him (by telling him) or without giving up myself if I stay. Honestly all I think about lately is leaving. But it makes me really sad because I have all these good memories and I always viewed marriage as "for life". I'm not the kind of person that just gives up easily. But I don't know how to change how I feel and I hate how I feel when I'm with him. And I feel trapped in this life and that's not a good feeling.

[mhowe]

I would get counseling for yourself. You aren't going to change him. But you sound as though talking this through with a professional will give you the strength to make the changes necessary to start a new life.

[Clinton]

You got together when you were a child. You grew up and changed. You're now at two totally different stages of life. It's not going to get better.

 

Get a divorce and go stand on your own two feet. It's got to be better than this.

[Man with Dog]

I don't see the age gap itself as a big issue as I'm 10 years older than my wife. What may have been an issue was the age you were when you met. Someone once told me that one changes a lot between 19 and 24 and there's a lot of truth in that. More scary is the fact that you are emotionally leaving or may have already left. You can't ignore those feelings and it doesn't sound as if they will simply go away. When you mention lack of empathy and OCD, it is possible he may have some degree of autism. It is highly likely that he has any idea that anything is wrong at all. I think you need to broach the subject with him. I'm concerned, though, that if he thinks your marriage is in danger he might try to cling on tight and suffocate you.

 

TBH, I feel a certain amount of sympathy for him as well. It doesn't sound as if he's hit you or cheated. He probably doesn't feel he's done anything wrong.

 

Take care and good luck.

[zebragirl]

He knows to some degree that I'm not happy. We don't talk about it much though. We've both talked about how maybe we are just two very different people hypothetically maybe we shouldn't stay together. I said I wasn't going to cater to his habits, over the weekend when he wanted to do something that I felt I was perfectly capable of doing later in the week. His response "so divorce my ass" . That's tthe kind of sarcastic responses I get from him. I don't think he truly knows what's wrong but I don't think he's up for really changing either because when I have talked to him about how his behaviour effects me he doesn't seem to acknowledge or really get it. I feel sympathy too.

 

I am emotionally disconnected because that's what's come with approaching him several times on some behaviours and getting either lack of a response or no change. As well as I have begun to make some boundaries so I am not catering to him or sharing all the family news and every little thing with him, so maybe a natural disconnect.

[Clinton]

So what's keeping you with him besides pity?

[zebragirl]

Obligation, feeling guilty like I owe it to him and knowing he will be heartbroken. Because even though I am not happy he is happy (maybe?) and he has said if I leave everything was a waste. And underneath it all I do love him but I don't love being with him

[Raminco]

What do you do in the evenings? After your daughter is in bed? Do you talk? Cuddle? What goes on at that time of the day as I feel that's a really important and telling time for couples.

[zebragirl]

90% of the time we watch TV. Since it's summer all the shows are over that we watch so he's on his phone and I'm on my and the silence is uncomfortable. Often I'll go find something else to do, I have alot of hobbies, read, paint, cross stitch etc. He just watches TV or looks at the Internet. Sometimes we talk. He asks what's on my mind all the time. Lately I don't care to talk about what's on my mind because when I have talked to him about how I'm feeling or what's going on it is all one sided or his side of the conversation gets all convoluted and goes in circles while I'm trying to understand what he's getting at. . I realize now, in the past we talked alot but always about his parents, mine, problems our family was having and bonded over that. But not much about us or things we enjoy. Now I'm not willing to talk about family constantly because I realize that's not healthy and he was using that as a way of critiquing them and not having a relationship with them.

[Clinton]

Obligation, feeling guilty like I owe it to him and knowing he will be heartbroken. Because even though I am not happy he is happy (maybe?) and he has said if I leave everything was a waste. And underneath it all I do love him but I don't love being with him

 

Break up with him and let him fund someone who loves him for who he is. Dont be a coward, you're doing himno favors by living this lie

[catfeeder]

You don't need anyone's permission to leave a marriage when you're the one who's unhappy. Nobody else is living your life for you, so nobody else gets a vote.

[Man with Dog]

You don't need anyone's permission to leave a marriage when you're the one who's unhappy. Nobody else is living your life for you, so nobody else gets a vote.

 

Generally true but I think marriage is a commitment to trying to sort it out before throwing in the towel. I think the point of leaving a marriage is when you decide that you cannot possibly be happy whatever adjustments your partner might be prepared to make. Then there's those of us on here who are "pre-programmed" to simply not leave a marriage because we see it as a commitment for life. I came from the generation that "invented" divorce. I divorced my first wife not because I was unhappy but because she had left and there was zero chance of a reconciliation. Chances are, had she not left, we'd still be together but TBH my current (2nd) wife is vastly superior to her.

[catfeeder]

Generally true but I think marriage is a commitment to trying to sort it out before throwing in the towel.

 

I agree that your views are valid--for you.

 

The reason I stand behind my comments above is because they don't attempt to impose a 'should' on anyone.

 

When I sense that someone is trying to build a case against a partner and seek approval for it, I raise the one point that I wish someone would have made to me when I stagnated in bad relationships for too long--it makes no sense to consider the unique viewpoints of others on marriage or relationships or anything else because nobody else is living our love lives FOR us.

 

We each need to make the choices that we can best live with, and it can be self destructive to forget that all relationships are 100% voluntary--regardless of what anyone else thinks about that.

[Jellybean70]

I am living in a similar situation. He used to plan activities and be fun and into his health and was so polite. Now he has gained 40 lbs and won't treat his high blood pressure and cholesterol. It has gone on way too long and now instead on just being irritated with my husband, I really can not stand to be around him. I have stayed for the kids but realize that I have only hurt them by thinking that our dysfunction is what a relationship is.

[Man with Dog]

I am living in a similar situation. He used to plan activities and be fun and into his health and was so polite. Now he has gained 40 lbs and won't treat his high blood pressure and cholesterol. It has gone on way too long and now instead on just being irritated with my husband, I really can not stand to be around him. I have stayed for the kids but realize that I have only hurt them by thinking that our dysfunction is what a relationship is.

 

It's difficult to guess what is wrong with him. I would suggest depression or general dissatisfaction with life could be some of it. Can you get him to talk? Even if he can go back to his old self, can you love him again?

[zebragirl]

We've been talking a lot this weekend. I think he gets the seriousness of the situation at this point. he is all ready to "change" and fix things. That is what I was afraid of in a sense, yet I feel good that he is willing to try and loves me that much. I am truly afraid that I won't be able to change how I feel even if he is willing to work on things. I know we probably both have our part in the problem. But I really don't know how he can change from such a negative person to the positive person that I need him to be. He kept asking "am I really that horrible of a guy to live with? " No, not really. I mean, he has a good heart and he does everything "right" , doesn't cheat, tries to provide for us, never hits me or hurts me, helps out around the house. But it's not enough. And I feel horrible even thinking it's not enough. I want to feel close to him again , I really do and I think if he were to pay more attention to how effects people around him instead of acting like his feelings are all that matter in the little stuff, it would go along way to making me feel better about being with him. add in going out together on dates and spending more quality time together. But that doesn't change that there are many things that I just don't feel like we match up on. Chemistry is a huge one. Do I settle for comfortable and content with someone that I love and cares about me (we aren't to that comfortable content point at ALL at this point) but still feel like the chemistry is missing (pretty much always has been but I didn't really realize it before). I just feel really confused right now because I want things to be better and he seems willing enough to try to work on things (we'll see if it really happens because in the past it really hasn't) But I areally don't know how to change my feelings. Sometimes I just think there must be something wrong with ME .

[sky09]

In your other thread you've mentioned you are a stay-at-home mom and he works 60+ hrs a week. Have you thought about taking up a job to help out and have an individual contribution of your own to this household? That way you don't resent him for being always tired, away, etc., and at the same time relieve him of his own possible resentments for you. Clearly, you are "bored" with your current day-to-day life. Is this setup something both of you are comfortable with? Don't assume your H is fine with this, ask him. Tell him how you feel as well.

[zebragirl]

I can ask him but I feel fairly confident that if I got a job he would not cut back on his hours at all. He works the overtime because of his psychological need to take all the overtime he is allowed and can physically manage, not because we need it financialy but because he likes to stockpile money for the future. If you knew how much we had in savings due to tthis you'd uunderstand. Of course hours help out but it's not necessary. I don't resent him being tired. I feel he puts his priorities on his job and financial security about his family. I asked him last summer how long he was going to work Saturdays since it started out as something he did to make up for lost overcome me due to his paid vacation. He said he didn't know. It wasn't a requirement by his work. He just liked the extra moneyand once he sstartedworking sSaturday he hasn't stopped. I could see after a month of this that he was losing alot of sleep and it was going to effect things longterm. I brought this up to him. He said he didn'tcare. Well here we are. I have brought up me working and he would rather I didn't so I can focus on caring for our daughter. Likely if I were to work it would be more money but no less off his plate since he can't let opportunity pass him up.

[zebragirl]

And I really don't care about the money, as in, if I left. I am not bored or in this marriage for his support. I do truly love him but I don't feel as though I've ever felt that chemistry or desire. Of course any desire I had likely got killed overtime with all his sarcastic comments and lack of attention anyway. I've been really depressed because I feel like no matter what choice I make I lose

[catfeeder]

You own job would give you something else to invest in beyond him, and that would serve you whether you opt to stay with him or move beyond him.

 

You'll remain depressed if you continue to focus like a laser beam on him while ignoring the larger issue of cultivating your own fulfillment.

[zebragirl]

Doing it for myself is a really good idea and one that I have been thinking about. My daughter goes into preschool in the fall so that will make it easier for me to get a job as well and have something for myself to focus in and be more independent

[catfeeder]

Doing it for myself is a really good idea and one that I have been thinking about. My daughter goes into preschool in the fall so that will make it easier for me to get a job as well and have something for myself to focus in and be more independent

 

Good! You may also want to consider this spring and summer using a trusted pool of mature babysitters who are out of school to grab yourself some time to go explore interests of your own, as well as to treat yourself well with spa massage, mani/pedi and other ways to unwind and put some of your focus back on feeling good about yourself and your life.

 

Consider the exposure of other caretakers for relatively short periods to be good socially for your babe, while the exposure to the outside world free of the motherhood role can refresh your vision. This can help prevent you from drilling into the misery of a laser beam focus on husband, and removing that pattern that can only serve you well regardless of what you may decide.

 

Sometimes the best way to process a decision is to exit the realm of the problem for long stretches of time. Things can click into place when you can pull back your microscope and enjoy other experiences.

 

Head high.