Boyfriend is acting rude and impatient - not his normal behavior

[Lovelavie]

So I want an opinion from both sides, men and women. My BF is acting like a complete jerk lately. He was always this really sweet, patient guy. Always treated me like a queen and always made an effort to make me happy. He always made it clear that he always spends every weekend with his GF (he was like this with his exes), and that it wouldn't be different with me. However, last week we almost broke up and we stayed 3 days without barely talking to each other. So he offered to go on this trip with his grandpa, because he was helping my BF out with bills and stuff and he felt like he had "to pay it back" in someway. I got upset at first but then I was ok with it, as long as he stayed in touch with me and acted nicely.

 

I was afraid that on this trip he would act exactly the way he's acting. Like, at one time of the day he'll be really sweet and nice and the other he'll be ice cold and giving me the shoulder and ignoring me. When all I do is ask him how his day was, tell him how my day was etc. He's at the beach and there are a lot of things to do as I've gone to the place he is now before and it's really fun. All I wanted was for him to share the experience with me and he would always be as short as possible and would never bring up anything. I was always the one starting the conversation. Also, I've been sick for the last 3 days and yesterday I went to the movies with a friend and I had to go back home because I was going to faint, I went to the doctor's and he said I have to rest for a few days. So basically I'm in bed for the whole weekend with NO ONE to make me company. At first it's fun, you have some alone time, but after a while you go crazy. My single friends went on a trip (it's a holiday weekend) and the others are in relationships so I can't really invite anyone to come over and stay with me. So the only person I'm really talking to is my BF and I'm all clingy because I'm anxious about having nothing to do and not being able to do anything and having to stay in bed all day. So now I just called him and he said he just wants to be left alone, that he talks to me the whole day and it's still not enough etc.

 

I would totally get his point, IF he weren't the jealous type. If I go out, he asks who I am with, where I am, when I'll get home, but I feel like I can't even ask how his day was that it gets him pissed. Honestly, your boyfriend is going on a trip that he offered to go BEFORE you two got together again, and he can't even give you the least of attention? I asked him if we could FaceTime and he said the wi-fi there sucked, I asked if we could text each other and he's always making excuses. I know I may be on the annoying part, but trust me, if it were me on a trip and he was at home sick, he would be calling and texting me 5 to 5 min. The only difference is that I don't mind him being like that, but now he's acting super rude. I called him for the first time today to say goodnight and he didn't answer, and when he did, he said he ignored me because I have to learn how to behave. Honestly, I'm tired of guys telling me I have to LEARN how to act a certain way. I've been there before and I did not start a relationship with this guy to have him do this to me too. Yeah, I know he may be annoyed, but this doesn't relate to how he is and has always been as a BF. What I'm saying is, this behavior from HIM is not normal, that's why I'm so upset.

[slowrecovery]

this does not seem like a mature relationship to me... a mature relationship is secure, accepting, and gives freedom to both parties. you should not expect every weekend from your boyfriend. you never want your boyfriend to associate you as his ball and chain. he may have other relationships to maintain like his family and friends that will encroach on your weekends. you need to accept that as being a part of letting him live a healthy well-rounded life and give him space.

 

at the same time, you need to make it clear that you will not accept him being a hypocrite. you are letting him step all over you if you don't put your foot down early in the relationship. tell him that you're not gonna update him on your whereabouts or respond to his texts if he can't do the same for you. otherwise, he will keep doing whatever he wants.

[Helpexpressme]

I do not believe he is rude, just because he is not doing what you want him to do.

[Lovelavie]

I feel like I've become so submissive to him and I feel like he doesn't even care about us anymore. Like, he's so bipolar. It feels like if we're ok, he loves me, if we're not, he doesn't love me anymore. This happens every time. Like tonight when I called him I knew it upset him the way I acted and I regretted it. I was just real anxious and bored and needed someone to talk to and he was the only one available. So I apologized to behaving like a crazy GF and he just said "ok, fine, goodnight". And usually he's all sweet so I KNOW when he's annoyed with me. What scares me is that he has broken up with me 3-4 times already but then decides to stay with me and say he loves me. I think HE is not mature enough for this relationship, because I can learn from my mistakes and apologize, but he can't forgive and he expects me to be perfect even though he's not.

 

Also, I feel like he only likes me when things are fine. When they're not, he simply just gives up. In the beginning he would always make an effort, but now he just turns off his phone and goes to bed. I love him so much, and I just want a normal relationship. I mess up at times, but my love for him NEVER changes and I feel like if I mess up even a little it's a reason for him to get annoyed and break up with me

 

My intentions are never bad, I'm just an anxious person who also is bored on this weekend because I'm in bed all day and sick. I don't understand why he is so harsh to me, why he loses his patience so easily with me when all of the mistakes I make are never to hurt him, it's just me being silly with my own insecurities.

[Hollyj]

You sound very needy and like you require a lot of attention. Too much work.

 

Maybe, if you had more interests of your own, you wouldn't be so dependent on your boyfriend.

 

Neither of you sounds mature. How old are you?

 

Lastly, if the relationship has ended more than once, there is a reason. It won't work!

[Lovelavie]

Well I wrote him a long text apologizing. I KNEW I was acting very needy, but this weekend I was extremely bored. Like, honestly, I'm in my bed the whole day on the computer. And not because I want to, but because I'm sick and I need to rest. However, it's completely understandable and I'm not like this on a daily basis. It was JUST this weekend. I know he's kind of turned off by now and he probably thinks he has no reason to stay with me, but it was just a burst of boredom and anxiety. It was all bottled up.

 

I just don't wanna lose him, I'm so lonely and I miss him, and I know these attitudes only set him off but part of me still hopes he'll have some patience, but part of me wonders if he really likes me.

[Hollyj]

I've been homebound for a week, due to a foot energy. I am not making people crazy and demanding they come and keep me company. This is a part of life, we can't expect people to be there for us constantly. Not healthy.

 

It's been a few days. I suggest you get some help for your insecurities.

[LC8328]

You have to learn how to behave????? ?

 

If anyone ever said that to me, he'd be out on his butt so fast...

 

It would be less insulting if he had just told you straight out, "Look, honey, I love you and sorry you're not feeling well, but I won't be able to communicate with you as much as you'd like." Etc. Deliberately ignoring you so you can "learn" to behave correctly is not too different from training you like a dog.

 

I agree that the people in your life shouldn't be expected to drop everything to entertain you. It would be extremely beneficial to start being independent.

 

However, I don't like how this relationship sounds. He has to know where you are 24/7, then implies he needs to teach you how to behave correctly. Are you happy with being submissive in this relationship? Do you feel fulfilled and respected?

 

You also might want to consider that the way he's acting IS his normal behavior, but it's a part of him you're not entirely familiar with. Just know that as your relationship progresses, likely so will his controlling behavior.

[ParisPaulette]

Maybe it's just me and my own experiences, but this sounds like he's tipping into becoming emotionally abusive and controlling. Stop letting this man dictate who you can and can't go out with, have your own life with your own friends and don't give him so much control over you that he knows he can treat you however he likes while you sit at home.

 

You're giving away any power and responsibility you have to make your own life happy and active with or without him and this is very unhealthy. It also opens the door for your boyfriend to mistreat you and that level of contempt and disrespect will grow. So either break up with him and be done with it OR tell him if he gets to go out and not have to answer to you that it's a two-way street and then start reconnecting with all the people I suspect you've cut out of your life on his demands.

 

He sounds controlling and rude. You sound like someone being conditioned to walk on eggshells and put everything in your life on hold just to please him. Neither of these things is a recipe for anything, but disaster. Get your independence back and tell him to like it or lump it.

[Hollyj]

I didn't read your last paragraph.

 

What is the age difference?

 

This guy sounds very controlling and passive aggressive. I too, do not like how he is doing the hot/cold, and "teaching you how to behave." That is emotional abuse.

 

I think he chose you, as he saw your insecurities, and knew you were someone he could manipulate.

 

You need to get away from this guy!

[Hollyj]

In a little over a week, you have posted quite a few times on this guy.

 

It seems that there have been problems from the beginning , with him trying to make you jealous. There is also a complete lack of respect, by constantly telling you about other girls.

 

You need to get out of this. i also suggest you seek therapy. Not only are you very dependent on men, you are also attracted to unhealthy ones. This guy screams control and abuse.

 

Lastly, it is a very bad sign when men refer to their ex's as "crazy."

[Lovelavie]

Yeah, exactly. I hate to be told how to "behave" even if I'm morbidly wrong! I was in an abusive relationship once and the thought of someone acting like my ex just gives me the chills and I do not put up with it. I thought it was just so mean of him to do that, he's losing his patience all the time, with everything I do. I told him I can't do miracles if he gets pissed for everything I do. I thought it was mean for him to ignore me on purpose and stuff. I initiate all conversations, except for the good mornings because he wakes up before me.

 

On the first day he was really nice, on the second in the morning not so much but changed completely during the afternoon. The next day was also being nice but I was feeling especially needy and lonely yesterday, so I exaggerated and asked for his full attention. Also he doesn't control me or anything, I think I may have expressed myself the wrong way. It's just that he's just as jealous as I am, and if I go out he wants to know who I'm with and stuff, not in a controlling way, but in the same way I would ask him. But if he had been nice from the beginning, if he were telling me about his day without having to ask, if he was being the BF he always is I would not have freaked out yesterday. It's like he's taking advantage of the fact that he's at a nice place, having fun and I'm stuck at home with nothing to do. Instead of making me feel better and be patient with me, he chose to lose his patience and ignore my calls and act rude.

 

It hurts me because this is just a trip and he's making such a huge deal out of it. Like "oh, we can't talk because I'm on a trip". Seriously? We're still BF and GF and you're not on vacation from me. In fact, this trip wasn't even supposed to be happening so come on, just act like a man.

 

Right now I'm trying not to start any conversations with him, but it bothers me that I have to hold myself from talking to my BF because it'll annoy him, but when he's not having a good time I'm all ears, but when he is having fun, I'm not useful anymore. Awesome!

[Lovelavie]

Oh and I also live my life by the philosophy that you don't do to other what you wouldn't like to be done to yourself. We all make mistakes, but when we hurt someone and we know we are hurting them and do nothing to change than that's just being poor in spirit. And that's what my BF's doing. He knows how much it's hurting that he's taking forever to answer my texts and he doesn't bring up any conversations and doesn't seem to care whatsoever just makes me wonder why I have to do all the work here. I would never hurt him like that.

 

I feel like if he keeps taking me for granted I will be the one to end the relationship, because honestly I have done nothing but be comprehensive and strike up some conversations during the day with him and he keeps giving me the shoulder. Just feels mean, stupid and immature of someone to do that.

[mhowe]

Well I wrote him a long text apologizing. I KNEW I was acting very needy, but this weekend I was extremely bored. Like, honestly, I'm in my bed the whole day on the computer. And not because I want to, but because I'm sick and I need to rest. However, it's completely understandable and I'm not like this on a daily basis. It was JUST this weekend. I know he's kind of turned off by now and he probably thinks he has no reason to stay with me, but it was just a burst of boredom and anxiety. It was all bottled up.

 

I just don't wanna lose him, I'm so lonely and I miss him, and I know these attitudes only set him off but part of me still hopes he'll have some patience, but part of me wonders if he really likes me.

 

Your anxiety and boredom is not his to alleviate. Get a life!

[Lovelavie]

I know, and I understand that. But I just wanted more empathy from him instead of always making excuses. Like, he KNOWS he could be more available. He's on instagram and facebook for a long part of the day but he can't be on WhatsApp with me? It just seems that he's doing it on purpose to hurt me and make me feel needy. This weekend was horrible for me, I did nothing but stay in my home on the computer. He always strikes up conversations, he always talks to me, even when he's at work and college he makes an effort and it's just getting old that just because he's on a trip he automatically can't talk to me. Like wow, you must have so much to do that you can't even take 5 minutes from your day to text me. Right.

[mhowe]

He doesn't need to be at your beck and call all day. If he is on instagram or whatever, it means he is talking with other people.

 

You need a focus in your life ---- that isn't him. It isn't his problem that you were home all weekend.

 

You sound like a spoiled child.

 

It wouldn't be 5 minutes. That would never satisify you and he knows it, so he doesn't bother even starting. How many texts did you send him this weekend? 100?