I'm adopted and I think that might be why my mom dislikes me so much

[Lovelavie]

My brother and I are adopted. We were adopted when we were only a few days old and I never really knew what happened and I was always ashamed to ask. I'm 21 and my brother is 13. So a little short story about my life and my relationship with my mom: I had a good childhood, wonderful I'd say. When you're a kid, especially girls, who are usually quieter than boys, it's normal to get along with your parents and I have absolutely no complaints about my life until I turned 11. I remember I was 11 when I had my first serious fight with my mom. We live and were born in Brazil, but when I turned 10 we had to move to the U.S. because of my dad's job. When we moved, my mom's life became miserable for the next 3 years we stayed there. Because she didn't know the language, she had a hard time at making friends and going out to do simple things as groceries and stuff. Also, she's an introvert and doesn't really know how to approach people. I was very young at the time and couldn't understand very well what was going on. I was also having a great time in the U.S. I made friends for life and I had lots of fun there. I kid sometimes that I'll move back someday. Well anyway... When I turned 12, I started "going out", I went to the movies, I stayed out until 10 p.m. playing, I did things a normal pre-teen would do. However, things were never good enough for my mom. I always got good grades and was responsible with my things. I remember her always yelling at me and crying and saying how I was making her life miserable.

 

When I was around 14, we had already moved back and I was diagnosed with depression. I had tons of friends in the U.S. and I hated the lifestyle Brazilians had and I took a year to adapt. That year was the worst year of my life. I had constant thoughts of suicide and my mom always humiliated me in every way she could. I sank so hard into depression and it took me 3 years for things to start clearing out. The fights with my mom inside the house were constant. They happened every single day and it was unbearable. She was responsible for making my life miserable for so long. When I turned 18, I made new friends and started college. Life became different for me and I felt a little more independent. Then one day, on my brother's 11th birthday, my whole family was over at my house: my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, everyone. I was painting my nails in the living room and I spilled some nail polish on the carpet. My mom came barging in, in front of everyone and started beating me and calling me all the names possible. She humiliated me in front of everyone and if I weren't so naive at the time I swear I would've called the cops. My dad had a business trip on that day and he canceled it because he was afraid of what my mom would do to me because she was so out of herself. I told him that if she ever laid her hand on me again I would call the police on her.

 

This day was so traumatizing to me, but she has hit me numerous times and humiliated me in so many ways I can't even remember. She has ruined family trips, Christmas, New Years', Bdays... apart from regular days. This year I started working and I'm on my last year of college. One day I got home and she started yelling at me out of nowhere. I had had an awful day and I just wanted to go to my room and sleep and she was going on and on about nothing, just because she is so frustrated with her life. I called my dad, crying, desperate, and she threatened to hit me. So my dad called her and she said she just couldn't wait for me to move out because I ruin her life.

 

Parallel to that, my brother and her fight every single day. Seriously, it's from morning to night. My mom doesn't talk. She yells. She yells like a crazy b*tch. About every single thing. My brother can't do anything wrong and she'll start cursing and calling him names and trashing him about his attitudes. I mean, he's just a 13 year old boy. Boys will be boys. But they grow up, eventually. She flips out about everything. And it's the same thing with me. Even my boyfriend who only comes over every once in a while saw how angry and unstable she is.

 

I'm also afraid of turning into a person like a her. If I'm not already. I've always lived in an unhealthy environment. I've never learned to talk things through because everything in this house is yelled. Everything is a motive to start a fight. Also, she never hugs me or shows any sign of affection. It's always hate. She doesn't treat me with love and respect and sometimes it doesn't even feel like she's a mom.

 

I've been to family therapy, with her, with my dad and with my brother and 6 months ago I quit and told my psychologist (I've known her since I was 8) and my family that I would NOT go to therapy anymore because my mom never agreed to change and was saying blaming us for HER miserable life. I have, ever since, given up on my relationship with her. I simply just let her talk and ignore her. I'm rude and I honestly don't care about our relationship anymore. I know it won't get better, so I have stopped trying. After 10 years, I finally stopped trying. I swear in these 10 years she has not said once that she loved me. One time I was crying when we had a fight and I told her I loved her and I was sorry for hurting her and she turned away and left. I try to start conversations and all I get is "hm" or "cool". Oh, and that's when she doesn't say something negative about what I have to say.

 

But sometimes I wonder, is it because my brother and I are adopted? The things my mom does and doesn't do, sometimes I feel like it's because I didn't come from her. I'm not her biological child so she doesn't have that mother instinct. I don't know. It just seems like she builds so much hatred towards us, like my brother and I are the worst people that could ever be on this planet. However, my whole family is very loving and cares about me deeply. It's just my mom who's like this. Has anyone gone through a similar situation?

 

Also, because of her, I'm a very needy person and that reflects on my relationship. I have a fear of abandonment and I tend to lean on my BF a lot sentimentally, trying in a way to get the love I didn't get from my mom all these years. I'm insecure and unstable. I find confort in other things and I have turned to drugs and alcohol so many times to fill this void. I have low self esteem even though I've tried working on myself, it never seems to work. I feel like all of my life is just fine and I have dealt with lots of problems but none of them come close toe the problem she is and has been in my life. Sure I can move out now. But what about these 10 years of scars and hurt? What about living in absolute hell inside your home for half of your life?

[annie24]

Hi - Welcome to ENA. My first thought is that you should seek out some counseling - do you have a counselor or mental health services at college? It sounds like your mom has a lot of problems. I don't know if it has to do with you being adopted or her having her own depression/anger issues. I think she obviously has her own issues. She should not have freaked out like that over just some nail polish - you could have tried to clean it up and it wouldn't have been a big deal. I'm really sorry. I think as soon as you get a job and can move out, please do so. Even if it means sharing an apartment with other girls. This is not a healthy environment. I'm surprised your dad has tolerated this for as long as he has.

[nuttybuddy]

Well, from the way you wrote your story, it seems like you have good insight about yourself. You say that you can move out now, but the question is what about the 10 years of hurt? If she is not going to therapy and is not getting any help, then I don't think she'll realize what she has done to you all of a sudden out of the blue. If she can calmly sit down and talk honestly to you, whether she really has a gripe about you or it's just her venting her stress out on you, it would help you to understand where she is coming from. But to figure out HOW to talk to her is tricky since she gets mad so easily it seems like. Therefore, I do recommend you either go back to the family counselor who knows you and her or see another counselor on your own to figure out the next steps. It doesn't sound healthy that you continue living in the environment if she gets mad at you daily. In order to start healing, be in a safer environment. And please stop turning to drugs and alcohol. That will only make the matter worse.

[pippy longstocking]

I don't think it is because you are adopted , and my grounds for saying that is usually kids are who adopted are so very very wanted ..I am also adopted as is my brother .

 

Something in her changed , she couldn't cope regardless of the adoption side of things , she would have been the same I am sure if you where both her bioligical children .

[Lovelavie]

I think I'm trying to find a reason as to why she acts the way she does. Like, she never gave birth so she doesn't have that mother instinct? I don' t know. I feel like this is a hopeless situation and I'll just have to carry these scars with me.

 

Also, I try really hard not to be like her and I don't want to turn out like her, but I've heard that I act like her sometimes and it bothers me so much. Would I not have been like her if I never met her? Or is it part of personality either way? I feel like I could be a much better person and I'm not because of her.