What should I bring to the table? (reasonable things)

[Shady2003]

What most people have said above is really good advice. I'll add this which I think is really important.

 

Women are attracted to positive emotions. Why? Because emotions are VERY catchy. It's not the only thing that matters, but it's really really a big part of attraction between the sexes.

 

Think HARD about what emotions you're putting out there, and how she and other people feel in your presence. I mean think really hard about it. How are people feeling around you?

 

When you're texting her, how are you making her feel emotionally? Is she smiling? Are you making her happier? Are you making her curious?

 

Then try and sort your life out accordingly so your emotions will adjust.

 

You're anxious? Read book son anxiety and CBT and practise it

You're sad? Try figure out way

You take things too seriously? Watch comedy, take an improv class (IMPROV REALLY HELPS!)

 

And yes attraction is not just based on looks. I see some really below average looking guys with pretty, sophisticated women who have a lot going for them.

 

Being totally honest with you, if you haven't got a date in five years, you need to work on yourself. See it as a journey. I also couldn't get a date but I obsessively tried to work on myself and it paid off.

 

Best of luck

[reinventmyself]

Dougie, I think the bottom line here is to work on your confidence.

Cultivate things you are good at. Try something new and master it. Go the gym and take care of yourself. Get excited about life.

There is a plethora of reading material on it.

 

I learned a valuable lesson once. While going through a divorce and separation and leaving a toxic marriage I crawled into a cosmetology school and spent a year and half there working towards getting my license. I started out keeping to myself and the majority of students were considerably younger than I.

 

I spent countless hours there, doing class work but watching the kids interact. What I learned was that the ones with the highest confidence, positive energy and the willingness to engage others attracted people to them like honey. It didn't matter where they came from, what the looked like or how they dressed.

 

Half way thru I was no longer isolating myself but I made some great friends that weren't much older than my own kids.. . .Most all were full of body piercings, tattoos,rainbow hair and pretty dang colorful.. we were all an odd mix but I loved those people!!

 

I took a lot away from that experience and dedicated myself to working on myself. Besides, divorce will motivate you to `reinventyourself'

 

It's a challenging road but the most rewarding. I compare to where I am now compared to back then I am such a different person.

But you must be committed and patient.

[Sportster2005]

That's the reason why I'm asking. I don't know what I'm suppose to bring to the table.

 

- I have a job

- I have a car

- I have a place to live (roommates, but in time I would believe I could live with my partner)

- I am very loyal

- I am nice

- I will try my best to help out in any situation

 

????

 

The tendency to gain attraction is confidence, fun and ambition. It will vary from woman to woman, but I'll eat guitar strings if these attributes are not on the top of many women's list.

 

If you're not fun, take up something interesting you enjoy. If you're not confident, follow step one at becoming fun. This will help you gain confidence. Try the very best at the things you do to work on ambition. Or some combination of the preceding.

 

Avoid the mistake over of overplaying the nice hand. You're supposed to be a nice human being. When a woman says she doesn't want to continue with me, she almost always says I'm a nice guy. That's code for she didn't find me fun, ambitious and confident enough for her. Then I just say confidently to her "It's just a matter of time". They never come back, but that line allows me to walk away with my dignity.

[wsim]

What are you looking for? I have the impression from your posts that you are interested in obtaining dating experience, although more casual dating than a serious long-term relationship? Correct me if I am wrong. Taking up more hobbies and interests are always a good starting point.

 

As much as you want to deny it, being interesting to women is a very important trait. The odds will always be stacked against you if they do not see you as fun and interesting. It is not good enough to be nice and have a job. You can have a stable job and make a lot of money but if women aren't attracted or interested then it is over.

[Dougie_D]

I have had dates (or at least I thought at that time)..outside of online dating sites. I've been on OKC for 5 years and not a single date. That's kind of frustrating.

 

I get what you are saying about emotions, but I'm not sure how to show that off through pictures. I feel like I have pictures that give off great energy.

[Dougie_D]

Honestly, I'm not looking for friends. I have more aquaintences than friends anyways. I'm looking for dates. I think somehow I make myself look like a friend rather than someone they want to date. I want to be "date" material. I'm clueless in that dept.

[Dougie_D]

The ambitious part is not really in me. Fun? Not sure.. I might be extremely goofy, and never take anything seriously. Being serious is something that annoys me. I can't be around people who are serious. I think people take my awkwardness serious, and that bothers me. I know I'm being awkward. It's called entertainment. Tree humping randomly is funny and goofy. (I don't do this anymore, but I used to back in college). I liked to do things that stirred people up, but in a humorous and probably creepy way. Some people get it and others don't. Honestly, looking back, I think girls would have dated me if they wouldn't think they would start saying "you are dating him?" I know girls don't want to have the reputation of being "with him"... At least I hope that was the case! haha!

The only thing I'm not confident in doing is TOUCHING someone who doesn't ask for it. If someone wants a hug, yeah I'll give it to them. But rubbing their shoulders, etc.. doesn't feel natural until I know the person would be OKAY with it.

Also, I'm not a shy person. I think people take confidence and shy as the same. I'm not shy at all. But it pisses me off that lots of SHY guys get women, based on looks alone.

[Dougie_D]

What are you looking for? I have the impression from your posts that you are interested in obtaining dating experience, although more casual dating than a serious long-term relationship? Correct me if I am wrong. Taking up more hobbies and interests are always a good starting point.

 

As much as you want to deny it, being interesting to women is a very important trait. The odds will always be stacked against you if they do not see you as fun and interesting. It is not good enough to be nice and have a job. You can have a stable job and make a lot of money but if women aren't attracted or interested then it is over.

 

I've never kissed a girl before (french kissing), so yes I'm looking for casual dating, I guess? If I find a girl that I feel like "is the one", than yeah I want to go long term. Honestly I look at being "taken" as married. Casual, short term, long term relationships still means you are considered single. You are not when you are married. I've never known anyone to be like "Ok..so let's just date for 3 months, cool?" or "lets just date every other month, cool?" or "let's date for a year. cool?"... Like I have no timeline when it comes to that. That mindset seems stupid. I honestly don't get it. You either want to spend lots of time with someone or you don't. Everybody wants to have that one special person forever. Married or not. The question is that, overtime does someone think this person is NOT someone you want to be with forever. I won't ever "cheat" if I marry a woman. But if we get divorced, it's because she's not into me anymore.

[Batya33]

Yes, there are many people who don't want to be married or with someone long term and so when they meet someone cool and have that mindset they do not do commitment related behaviors - they don't make real future plans, they don't plan their lives according to the other person (i.e. decisions about relocation, whether to take a certain job, whether to move to a certain area where there are better schools in case you have kids, etc). They might have strong feelings but their actions are not consistent with commitment or future plans.

 

On the other hand if you have the goal of marriage/family you make dating choices based on that - you won't date someone who doesn't have that general goal (or if you do you know it's a waste of time and just for fun), you decide fairly early on whether that person and you have compatible life goals/values/outlooks - that doesn't matter as much or at all if you're dating casually.

 

Not everyone wants one special person forever. Some people absolutely do not and then there are shades of gray where it's not that important but if it happens it happens, etc.

 

And you are right -before I was married/engaged I was technically and legally single but my then boyfriend and I had a commitment to each other including not dating or trying to date anyone else. Had either of us done that we would have been cheating (but it's not called "adultery"). That promise is the same promise we have now that we're married. I don't think I take that promise any more seriously than I did when we were boyfriend/girlfriend (because we both took it very seriously). Other parts of our commitment have changed/strengthened -we now have financial commitments ,we are committed to being the best parents we can be ,as a team, etc.

[Dougie_D]

I look at as steps where there is no time limit.

Correct me if I'm wrong but:

Casual dating is flexibility, where you go on multiple dates.

Short term is you are consistently dating the same person (seeing them at least 3 times a month) and where you go on various dates.

Long term is where you see this person almost everyday where heavy talks about marriage, kids, living with each other occurs.

Next step is marriage/family.

 

It's a weeding out system.

 

For someone to tell themselves they are looking for only long/term is silly to me. They are wanting someone to "commit" right away. You can have those goals in mind but I believe you have to be a casual dater to even get those goals. Just because I want to casual date, it doesn't mean I don't want the others.

[Batya33]

I look at as steps where there is no time limit.

Correct me if I'm wrong but:

Casual dating is flexibility, where you go on multiple dates.

Short term is you are consistently dating the same person (seeing them at least 3 times a month) and where you go on various dates.

Long term is where you see this person almost everyday where heavy talks about marriage, kids, living with each other occurs.

Next step is marriage/family.

 

It's a weeding out system.

 

For someone to tell themselves they are looking for only long/term is silly to me. They are wanting someone to "commit" right away. You can have those goals in mind but I believe you have to be a casual dater to even get those goals. Just because I want to casual date, it doesn't mean I don't want the others.

 

Except for short periods of time in my 24 years of dating my goal was always long term. In all the time I dated I never wanted someone to commit right away. With one exception- my husband and I decided to be exclusive right away because (1) we had dated seriously in the past; and (2) we were going to be long distance the second time around so if we started dating again it was only worth it mutually if we were exclusive and serious mined.

 

I think that it's important to date as many people as possible if your goal is long term - meaning, don't put all your eggs in one basket -keep your options open so that you're not committing to someone you just met, typically based on lust. yes there are exceptions where you meet someone and boom the stars align and there is no way you could think of even meeting someone else let alone kiss someone else - and that can result in a happy marriage too but it is somewhat unusual.

 

The way I did it -I casually dated different guys and as I got to know them I would decide if there was one in particular I wanted to get to know better (sometimes the answer was zero and it was back to square one).

 

Typically a man would ask me to be exclusive within 4-6 weeks of dating -usually after 5-6 dates and always before sex was involved. Usually we were exclusive within 2 months of dating on the outside. At that point we would stop dating other people. Until that point it was casual and yes we could. But, I dated men who were looking for potentially serious relationships so our purpose in non-exclusive dating was to see if down the line we should become exclusive and serious. I did not date men who did not have that as a general goal and who only wanted to date for companionship/to have fun/to try new restaurants, etc. Make sense?

[Dougie_D]

Yeah, I'm long term but I don't go into that mindset until I find the right girl. I get confused why people ask me if I just want casual, short, long, etc... It has to be "casual" because I'm not dating someone or "seeing someone a lot". I get the impression that people are suggesting that I have to act differently towards who I should go after. I let my emotions and chemistry control my mindset when I meet a girl first. And it takes time to get to know people in general.

[Batya33]

Yeah, I'm long term but I don't go into that mindset until I find the right girl. I get confused why people ask me if I just want casual, short, long, etc... It has to be "casual" because I'm not dating someone or "seeing someone a lot". I get the impression that people are suggesting that I have to act differently towards who I should go after. I let my emotions and chemistry control my mindset when I meet a girl first. And it takes time to get to know people in general.

 

They are asking what your general goals are just like people sometimes ask what your general career goals are or other life goals. I was selective in who I chose to go on dates with because there were some people where I already knew that there was no long term possibility, ever, so even if I found the person attractive and we clicked, I did not go on a date with that person. You don't need to "act differently" you just make different choices about the interaction. So if there is someone you know you could never see yourself with long term (maybe the person is moving accross the world next month, or never wants children and you do, or wants to spend her life following a certain artist around the world and living out of a suitcase and you know you couldn't do that) then your interaction is different with that person. You might flirt some but not ask her out. You might start a platonic friendship. Etc.

 

Of course if you're not exclusive when you first start out then it's casual but if you're serious-minded you approach the dating interaction differently - you typically want to know different things about the person than if you're only looking for a sometime casual date. For example, sometimes I met people on vacation where I knew it would just be a vacation romance. We had a lot of fun hanging out of course but the questions I asked and information I wanted to know had nothing to do with potential long term compatibility.

 

For example, I might laugh off the comment "my mother did nothing!" as far as his upbringing because it didn't matter in the long term whereas if my mindset was eventual marriage (in general) then I would think intensely about whether this was an offhand comment or a red flag (this happened on a first date I went on in 1998 - it was our last date).

[LunaLee]

Honesty is always appreciated (and underrated) when it comes to relationships. If you can't trust and respect the person you are with, there really can't be a relationship.

[Dougie_D]

I wasn't talking about girls that would be asking me those questions in a conversation. I'm talking about specifically in ENA. Some posters would ask me...and I guess depending on my answer, I have to approach different women? Or go to different places? I don't get that.

 

I get the fact that women will "search" for clues whether I'm a potential match for whatever they want in their current life. That's perfectly normal. You engage in conversations to give you a clue on things you would want in an ideal match.

 

I don't even know how someone can suggest being exclusive after 3 dates anyhow. Maybe after the 40th time or so....but by that time, you should already know where the relationship stands.

[Batya33]

I wasn't talking about girls that would be asking me those questions in a conversation. I'm talking about specifically in ENA. Some posters would ask me...and I guess depending on my answer, I have to approach different women? Or go to different places? I don't get that.

 

I get the fact that women will "search" for clues whether I'm a potential match for whatever they want in their current life. That's perfectly normal. You engage in conversations to give you a clue on things you would want in an ideal match.

 

I don't even know how someone can suggest being exclusive after 3 dates anyhow. Maybe after the 40th time or so....but by that time, you should already know where the relationship stands.

 

What you are writing has nothing to do with what I wrote. I am done trying to explain or clarify. I never searched for clues and I never referred to this just being about women determining whether there was long term potential. If you don't get the difference between looking for a potential mate v. a casual date that's fine but I can't provide any more input than I already did.

[Dougie_D]

What you are writing has nothing to do with what I wrote. I am done trying to explain or clarify. I never searched for clues and I never referred to this just being about women determining whether there was long term potential. If you don't get the difference between looking for a potential mate v. a casual date that's fine but I can't provide any more input than I already did.

 

I would never go out on a date with someone I knew that wouldn't be a potential mate. At least for me, I wouldn't be able to determine how serious it could be until a few dates in.

 

For online dating, you can specify what you are looking for...but I get the feeling that someone who checks long term relationship wants to be SERIOUS at THAT MOMENT. How can you be? You have to get to know them. Build relationship. At least to me, I wouldn't consider marrying someone until we have dated for at least a year. Some people may think that's short term.

 

I can't predict what how short or long our relationship would be.

 

If I got 3 dates in a month. I would go on all 3. If I didn't get a good vibe on one of the girls, then I just go for a 2nd date with the other remaining 2 girls. Then next month I decide one is better than the other. Boom! I have one girl remaining. Now, the short term relationship happens, but at the same time I'm still looking for more dates. They are called plan B, C, D. Then, if out of all these dates, plan A is still kicking, I move on to long term relationship and I begin to feel like she's the one. Not sure how else you would do it. The only time I'm not looking is when I'm married. My father said it doesn't matter if a girl has boyfriend..you should still go for her. It only matters when she's married.

[Batya33]

."but I get the feeling that someone who checks long term relationship wants to be SERIOUS at THAT MOMENT."

 

I never felt like that and have never met or heard of anyone who felt like that. It is surprising to me that you would interpret it in that way.

[abitbroken]

Dougie - you said awhile ago you didn't want a girlfriend that you basically just wanted to kiss someone or something (not in this thread, a long time ago). Now you say you only want to date someone that could be long term. You don't know what someone is like unless you go out with them, really, unless they say something on their profile that is left field.

 

Everyone I know that wants a serious relationship heading towards marriage goes out on dates to meet people so that they find a match to have a long term relationship with. They go out to meet people - they are not looking to marry someone on the first date. They might go on 20 dates with one person each. They may go on dates with a couple people around the same time until they pair off with someone, they might go out with one person for a few months to see how it unfolds and then decide that after 2-6 months that person is ultimately not who they are going to marry someday, and they start going on dates with people again. Or they find someone and end up going out for a few years or even marry. When someone is at the point in their life where they are looking for a mate, that is what they are going to do. There are also people who just go out to date, Maybe years later when they are ready to settle down they will choose the person they are dating...or not - break off and find someone new that suits them to settle down with.

 

I think you need to focus more on getting to a second or third date more so than worrying that everyone who says they are looking for long term want to get married on the first date so they should be avoided.

 

The more you have your life in order, the more women who are looking for something serious down the road are likely to last past one date or go out with you in the first place. You won't find her in a bar.

 

I am pretty sure I will regret jumping into this thread, but maybe it is opposites day. Or opposites week and I will be pleasantly surprised.

[Dougie_D]

."but I get the feeling that someone who checks long term relationship wants to be SERIOUS at THAT MOMENT."

 

I never felt like that and have never met or heard of anyone who felt like that. It is surprising to me that you would interpret it in that way.

 

The reason why I say that is because if I say I just want to casually date, than that person will think that I'm not looking for a long term relationship, and dismiss me way quicker. But in reality, I'm looking for all of it and apparently I'm not allowed to say that. I just know you have to date more than one person to really determine.

 

Most people can't date multiple people at multiple times...especially men. Majority of women can date multiple guys if they want to. My roommate has like 5 dudes floating around this month. Next month might be none or more..who knows? Does that mean she is casually dating? Yes. Does that mean she doesn't want short term or long term? NO.

 

But I think when some people declare long term relationship, they don't want to date multiple people. Plus, I think it SOUNDS like COMMITMENT. No men wants to hear that word early on. That's a fact.

[Batya33]

I dated multiple people but my general goal was a long term relationship. So I focused on one person once I got to know one person I was really into and saw potential with.

 

It's your opinion about what men want to hear and don't. Not a fact. My husband wanted to know right away that we were trying the second time around to see if we should eventually marry. For example. There's no "declaring" "long term relationship. People have life goals including relationship goals. Some people have no relationship goals in particular and that's cool too. People who do have long term goals like me often date around until they meet that special person, then they stop.

[Dougie_D]

I said exactly what you said. I think I must of confused you somehow. Unless you didn't read any of the previous posts, I could understand why you would think that.

 

But, if you asked me this:

Do I want to have Friends w/ Benefit type of relationship? YES

Do I want to have a one night stand? I'm not LOOKING, but if I get seduced by someone, I'll go with it.

Do I want to date the same girl more than once? YES

Do I want a wife w/ kids ONE DAY? Yes

 

Was there a thread in ENA where people asked you what you were looking for? YES

And did they suggest that you shouldn't look or go to the bar scene because most women are probably not wanting a "long term" relationship? I'm Pretty Sure, yes.

[Batya33]

It's fine if you are open to everything. I wanted marriage and family 100% so I avoided sexual only arrangements because that had nothing to do with my general goal plus I feared STDs (and they can mess with fertility). I also wanted to be with someone who wasn't into casual sex (that is after maybe the typical college behavior).

I think bars are ok places to meet women for long term relationships but shouldn't be the exclusive way.

 

Since you want whatever comes your way and you don't mind wasting time as far as the long term goal then sure go for it -meet women however and wherever you want.

[abitbroken]

Then you tell people you are looking to go on dates to meet people to ultimately you are looking to find a girlfriend. People wanting a serious relationship are willing to go on dates with different people so that they CAN find that person, even if they go out with a few different people until they pair off with someone. They are not serious with the person on the first date - its a "getting to know you". THey are just not going to have a one night stand and are looking for common ground.

[abitbroken]

I dated multiple people but my general goal was a long term relationship. So I focused on one person once I got to know one person I was really into and saw potential with.

 

It's your opinion about what men want to hear and don't. Not a fact. My husband wanted to know right away that we were trying the second time around to see if we should eventually marry. For example. There's no "declaring" "long term relationship. People have life goals including relationship goals. Some people have no relationship goals in particular and that's cool too. People who do have long term goals like me often date around until they meet that special person, then they stop.

 

Nothing is a long term relationship until you look back and say "wow, we have been dating 6 months/a year/2 years. time flies". You don't start a long term relationship from the first date and say "this is going to be long term". But you only continue to date people more than a few times if there is mutual interest and see where it goes. Right now, Dougie, you need to get past the second date before being worried about declaring a long term relationship.