Can I trust her again ?

[tripwire]

I found out yesterday through a anonymous phone call that my Fiancé had cheated on me at a work function of hers. She apparently drove away with one guy whom is married and then had unprotected sex.The person whom called was the wife of the guy because he came clean with her a week afterwards. After confronting her yesterday and asking she said that it`s false but then I got the guy and his wife on the phone who confirm this and then my fiancé said that it was true and that she wouldn't have told me because she feels embarrassed about this. She did this once before with one of my mates , I forgave them both and gave her a second chance. It is really difficult for me because we share a car to get to work which we both pay and share a allot of things and stay togher.If she moves out she will have to get a appartment.What should my steps be , can I trust a person like this again because her excuse is that she was drunk like the last time ? Help me with a answer today..please.I am a very hurt man

[BCBoy81]

As a rule, I give people two chances. Three strikes and you're out. If this is offence Number 2.... unless you have serious interest (money) invested, I'd cut your losses and run. If she's cheated on you twice my friend, that's a pretty good indicator that she's not the trustable type.

 

Though I don't know the whole story, you sound a little concerned over her because you share a car and living accomidations.... ever think she's using you for a free ride?? I've been in that situation. You have to take a good two steps back and look at the big picture.

 

Though it's not my reccomendation, it's just my advice. Re-evaluate this "relationship" PRONTO.

[tripwire]

Thanks for your point of view.She does pay her half so even the car must then be sold.Really not the week I wanted.Hi everyone can you add what you think about the situation I am in.I want to get as many valid answers just to nudge me into the right direction

[sonjam]

Ok. From my point of view...RUN!!!

 

I was married to a guy long ago who also couldn't keep it in his pants when he was drunk. WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE IS THAT?

 

You can't babysit your fiancee everytime she comes into contact with alcohol? Anyway, when you are drunk I believe your inhibitions are let down, and the true you shine through.

 

Seriously, do you want to commit and spend the rest of your life with a person like that, let her have your future children and be their mother?

 

Sharing accommodation and a car is also a lame excuse for staying. Im sorry if im offencing you, but Ive been there, done that. The time I had to leave the idiot of a HB of mine, I left with the clothes on my back, I stayed in a back room at my mom's house for 3 months. I had to find a job, and buy my own car.

 

You see my hubby kept pretty close taps on everyting and I had to start over, I could not really afford a lawyer who would get me what was legally mine, even though HE was the one cheating - the guilty party.

 

Earlier somebody said a very true thing. She might be sorry about the cheating, but she's even more sorry she got caught!

 

Open your eyes my friend. You are going to get hurt even more if you carry on like this.

 

To cheat - the first time is the hardest, it get easier every time after that. And If I were you, I would also have serious issues about her honesty, since she kept denying it, until you had to prove it to her in her face? I would be wondering what else she's been hiding, and got away with.....

[tripwire]

THanks for your view.Anyone else have a view on this ?

[annieo]

If this is the second time that it has happened (that you know of) I think that is something to be really concerned about.

Since she had unprotected sex you need to get tested. You also need to think do you want to end up being a dad to a baby that isn't yours? That is the risk you take staying with her.

While it will be tough to split everything up I think you need to consider what you really want out of a relationship. I think you deserve someone as committed as you are.

Good luck!

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Tripwire,

 

Why do I get the feeling you're fishing for a forgive her and try to move past this response?

 

Face facts. You're obviouly a very nice and forgiving guy to keep her after cheating on you the first time. How did you find out the first time? Did she tell you or did you find out? Doesn't relly matter, but if you found out this time then I'm sorry to say that the chances that she's done this more than once are probably greater than you're willing to admit to yourself. After all, she LIED to you this time and only came clean when the proof was undeniable. Can you really believe her that these two times are the only times she's cheated? Her history stands for itself.

 

As much as it pains me to say this, because I was in your shoes once and I know how hard this will be for you to listen to, let alone take to heart, you need to cut your losses and get out while you still have a shread of dignity left. Don't worry about the car, don't worry about the apartment. She is the one who put all that at risk, not you. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Who knows, maybe after some time, a long time, she may come crawling back to you and make an honest effort to be faithful. The way you're going right now though, in her mind since you're not taking any real action, it's OK for her to cheat because you'll always take her back. Break it off while you still can. I wish the the best of luck in whatever you decide though.

[stolenshadow]

You said the first time you found out she had cheated was with a friend of yours, that can tell you what your friendships mean to her.

I would be worried about her cheating other times, she doesn't seem to be good at coming forward with the truth and accepting her mistakes.

I don't know what could be left in a relationship that has no respect from her to you. Make a change in your life, nobody deserves a cheater.

[RayKay]

Well, personally I am not someone who would of forgiven it the first time around (unless I had truly been being an evil person in the relationship and ignoring them completely!)...but I know some people do. However, if you give them once chance, you should never give them another. Why bother? They probably already promised you it would never happen again, and you had to rebuild your trust all over again...why would you forgive it a second time and let them walk over you like that?

 

I don't think you should forgive her. You should not stay in a relationship because it makes carpooling and rent easier either!

 

She was lucky you gave her chance first time after she was with your FRIEND. She is immature, selfish and disrespectful. She had a second chance and blew it..show her the door and even pack some of her things for her to show you are serious...circle some apartments in the paper she can go look at and leave it on the table...don't take her back. Yes, it will be hard to move on, but come on, do you really want to be treated this way and go through this again?

 

She lied, and hurt you...and she knew if you found out it would. That for me is enough reason. She did not accidentally fall and land on another guys penis!

[mt_joy]

She cheated once, that could be a mistake. You forgave her and all was good. Until she decided to do it again. Why? She knew you would take her back yet again. Who's to say she won't do it again? Yeah, you may end up having to get a paternity test in 9 months. You have to worry she'll do it again. Look at teh two men she's picked: a friend of yours and a married man. What does that say? She doesn't value friendship or a marital commitment. Don't accept any excuses. If she can't handle her alcohol, then she shouldn't be drinking. I also got the feeling that you are fishing for a "Forgive her and move on" post. If that's what you want to do, go for it. But keep in mind that she WILL cheat on you again.

[tiger_lilies]

I understand that you must be in tremendous pain, but aren't you angry?

 

When my ex admitted to cheating on me (while drunk, but still not an excuse) all I could see was RED! I mean I was so furious that he could disrepect me like that, all I could do was scream at him. I certainly felt pain and I felt like I couldn't breath. But I was so angry at him for so long...still am.

 

Self respect! Dignity! Know that you are worth more than how she's treating you!

[sepiaswirl]

get out of there u deserve better than this. i think u owe it to yourself to draw the line here, no matter how much it hurts. just gotta do it and let time heal things.

 

i dont want to move this off-topic, but i was wondering how you felt to receive an anonomous phone call about it. do you think it was ok for an outsider to just call you and tell you this...especially from someone you didn't know?

[hockeyboy]

cheating on you is bad, bad enogh...but cheating on you with your friend (the first time)...need to get rid of her.

[Mike_Wazowski]

Well...If you wanna stay with her, and she wants to stay with you then you need to have a long talk with her and tell her that she NEEDS to change her life....meaning....give up drinking and become a responsible adult....If she can't do that, then it's time to leave her..Trust me bro..I know how hard it is to leave someone ...but for your own well being...you will have to do it if she doesn't Change her life...Good luck!

[HeavenLee]

You were waaaay too kind to forgive her after the first time she risked everything and threw away your trust. The second time, well you may as well give her permission to cheat if you forgive again. If she knows she can get away with it, she will. There is no incentive for her to change. And don't tell me that she will realise that she is hurting you. I'm sure she knew that fully the first and second (and how many other times she did it) times she cheated on you, and she showed no concern for how you would feel or what there was to lose. And the fact that she blatantly lied to you, well how could you ever trust anything she said? The only reason that she said anything is because she was caught red-handed and had no way out, otherwise you wouldn't be the wiser and she would be treating you like a fool. Do you want that? I wouldn't think that you deserve that.

 

You gave a few feeble reason that you think it would be hard to kick her out. The car, the apartment etc.... but was she thinking of them when she was riding someone else? I think not. If you are going to cheat, you have to be prepared for the horrible consequences, which she must now deal with. She can't POSSIBLY expect you to forgive her AGAIN, unless she is a heartless idiot.

 

Cut your losses. Gather her stuff and send her packing. Who cares where she goes or how she gets there? If she really struggles, I'm sure one of the guys she has been cheating with could help her out. Go and find someone who will really treat you with some respect and find the happiness that you deserve. If you stay with this one, she'll sap you of all your happiness and you will spend your life always wondering and insecure. Everyone deserves better than that.

 

Please, make the right decision. She is not going to change.

[tripwire]

Well we talked things out and we confinced me that this is the last time.I said yes to try again. I am not 100% sure where I stand in this whole story as this answer might have been premature.You see we have great talks etc. but this problem that she did this and also that she hardly wants sex with me.Maybe now and then we would have but I gotta say I am a really sexual guy and she doesn`t show inisitive in bed or anything. I didn`t have allot of partners 4 in total. She had a bad childhood because her dad molested her and she never told and he denies it till today. She was in therapy like 3years ago and I went with her for 2months to stand by her).This is the mean reason I gave her another chance.Where will I need to cut my losses, where is the point to Admit that sex plays a Huge role even though I tried to convince her ? ANy advice you guys & GIRLS ?