Probelms in the bedroom

[SlipperySammy]

My girlfriend and I can not seem to fix out intamacy problems. I posted a thread few months ago about what we were going through and it seem we are right back there again.

 

link removed

 

 

Note: We are both 22 and have lived togethor for 10 months, and dated for 2 years.

 

She has no interest in sex. We are lucky to have sex more then 1-2 times a month and this leaves me climbing the walls in frustration. She will NOT initiate any thing with me ever. Just after christmas I talked to her about how bad it makes me feel and how it makes me feel unwanted when she does not initiate any thing ever! She still hasn't initiated any thing with me. There are so many problems I cant type them all. (Thats a bad sign)

 

I feel like she is extra nice to me in other areas to make up for her lack of sex drive ex.. making me food, getting up earlier to start my car for me, back rubs etc... She is an awsome girl but with out the passion our relation ship is weird, unsatisfying, and even creepy.

 

We used to have awsome sex and now nothing, I feel trapped and lonely. Talking to her only makes the problem worse, and hasn't solved any hting in the last 8 months.

 

 

One of our many issues: She occasionaly feels a pain during sex that she describes as sharp and over sensitive. The extent of this pain I do not know because she is not very open about it. First off I can not and do not expect her to want to do somthing that hurts her. But I have been encouraging her to go to the doctor for months and she refuses. I finally got her to agree to go to the doctor on Christmas break. She ended up not even going and not wanting to talk about it at all. From my understanding she would have to schedule the appointment through her mom which would embarace her...and then the actual apointment would also be emberassing. This leaves me feeling like she doesn't love me enough to go to the doctor since we have been on the brink of breaking up over this for a few months now. She is almost 23 years old...I feel I want to be involved with some one who is mature enough to go to the doctor when there is a problem. About her pain... not to long ago we were in the beginning of foreplay, and her clit hurt no matter how gentle I touched her. She said it felt good when I used my fingure to penatrate her, but I couldn't go near her clit with out her making a painfull face...This can't be good? I am not a doctor so I don't know why she hurts...but she should go see doctor.

 

I dont know...I am just rambling now...lots of stuff on my mind.

[qt]

hmmm difficult situation you got there.

 

sex and intimacy is an important part of a serious relationhsip and i feel you have every right to say that it doesnt make you feel good about yourself if she initiates nothing between you.

 

ok, let me think if i can come up with a few ideas. probably best tho if i write you a pm instead tho

 

qt xxx

[Beec]

You've got some issues, if she won't even make the appointment. And her mother has to make it for her?

 

Talking to her is not going to get her to want it. You can try to make her want it, but that's not the way.

 

I think you need to tell her you cannot accept a great partial relationship. Because a big part is missing.

[lunatic]

Well not to say this is going to happen to you but, I know when my last relationship was about to end my ex would not be into sex ever and when she did it was a chore. I know you love this woman and she is a great person but, maybe she is not the one for you. That is something to think about.

 

If there is a problem then she should go to see a doctor. If I felt pain when there is susposed to be pleasure then I would be first in line at the doctors office. Atleast that is me anyway..

 

Personally, if she is not willing to work on the relationship with you then it is already over and you have not been told yet. She may love you as a friend but, not as a lover any more. Sorry guy but you might want to sit down and have "the talk" as soon as possible. What I mean is to sit down and TALK about everything that is bothering you two. You listen to her and then she listens to you. Don't yell or argue just talk about what is bothering you.

 

I hope everything works out for you!

 

Good luck!

[SlipperySammy]

She is from out of town so going to her gyno would involve making an apointment to go back home (1hr 30 min) I think the initial emberessment is from her mom inquiring why she needed to shedule a gyno apointment...I can understand this if she was 14-15 or somthing but a 23 year old should be mature enough to go to the doctor.

[OceanEyes]

Hey Sammy,

 

As much as I don't want to, I have to agree with Hubman. Every single relatationship that I've been in (and has ended), has concluded with me totally pulling away from the guy sexually. It hasn't been that I haven't loved or respected, but because after I've been worn out emotionally, the sexual part just doesn't happen for me.

 

At 23 years old, she is old and (should be) mature enough to make her own gynaecological appointments. She should not have to go through her mother. Even if she did, she could just make something up if she was uncomfortable telling her mother straight (pap smear, switching birth control, ANYTHING).

 

She seems to be making excuses. Don't play that game. Have a serious talk with her and get everything out into the open.

[lunatic]

Arent women susposed to see a gyno ever six months to once a year? Atleast that is what I thought was the schedule ladies correct me if I am wrong.

[OceanEyes]

If everything is normal, yes. If you need to see your gyno for some other reason though and can't wait for your bi-annual appointment, you can definitely schedule one. I have a family physician who I go to for most things, but if I am finding that a particular brand of birth control is bothering me (a lot of women have these problems), or if there are certain 'irregularities', I will go to my gyno. You can see a gyno as often as you need to, but in most cases, I think that women go twice a year (or should go anyway).

[SlipperySammy]

If/When we talk....(We have been through it all before.) And she doesn't open up...then what?

 

Since having frequent converstations about the topic puts 'pressure' on her to have sex with me I have to leave the topic alone. So usually it all builds and finally I am like..."whats going on we need to talk."

 

The last time the topic came up she wouldn't 'open up' and I broke up with her for about 12 hours then we got back together.

 

My problem is I can't even imagine a life with out her. But at the same time I imaige a life of no sex and get so made/frustrated.

[OceanEyes]

I understand your frustration. I don't know how men react to this, but I know that I would feel really unattractive if my man just stopped having sex with me, and refused to talk about it. It's understandable that we all go through "dry spells", but as a person in your relationship, you can't be left out on a limb.

 

If you don't mind my asking, how often do you have sex? Do you find that she is "in pain" every time you do it? Has she had sexual problems in the past that you know of (with you, or with other guys - sorry to ask, but it's relevant)?

[Beec]

My problem is I can't even imagine a life with out her. But at the same time I imaige a life of no sex and get so made/frustrated.

 

What would her choice be? You may need to force her to make a choice: fix the sex problem, if it is a doctor issue; or lose you. Consider that it may not be physical. It could be from what's in her mind. Still it needs to be fixed.

[HajiMaji]

Youre living the story of my life my friend.I was getting a lot of sex but she would never open up and adress important issues.

 

You seem to be doing your job though. You are trying to be as understanding as you can by not bringing it up and whatnot, but she has do do her job and be able to talk about it.

 

Relationships are so complicated cause its like this dance inbetween stuff that you should have patience for and stuff you should cut out of your life. Here, you have all this good and you are using your patience on this problem you guys have but the patience isnt prducing anything positive. Thats not your fault though, really its hers for not talking about that stuff.

 

Dude, youre gonna have to sit her down and talk to her and be totally honest. If she acts like a kid your gonna have to put her in place. I wish i woulda done that with my ex when she let her insecutites hurt our relationship. Im not saying do it in a mean way but let her know the seriousness of the problem and if she doesnt deal with it the relationship is going to end ugly. Make her know how much you care about her and the relationship but let her know shes outta line with how shes handling this and it will cause nothing good. Leave her be for a while and see how she takes it. Some people take it very personally but some people, if they respect you, will actually take it to heart. If she doesnt want to improve the relationship you two have then its gonna be a rough go letting go of her.

[dontknowwhattodo]

Do you think the reason she doesn't want to see Gyno is because she is not comfortable with a male Gyno? How about encourage her to see a female Gyno? I don't know I am just guessing. I myself had to see Gyno regularly when I was at her age (I had a very big tumor in my uterus). The first time was one of the most embarrassing experiences in my life. My mom offered to go with me every time but I refused because I felt more embassed if she went with me. So I can relate how she felt having to have her mom making appointment for her. My first Gyno was male and they switched me to female Gynos a couple times. Finally I decided to stick with my first male Gyno.

 

It takes so much effort to have to show up at OB/GYN clinic (but oh yeah, I didn't care anymore after a while). I understand her as much as I do for you. May be talking her to see a female Gyno is an option.

[Abacab]

Sex and intimacy are essential components in a relationship. If you can't get her to a gyno through your best efforts, cut your losses and leave.

 

However, her unwillingness may be harboring an abusive childhood. If that is the case, maybe counselling might be in order. Still, if this assumption is correct, do you love her enough to wait until this (supposedly) problem has been taken care of?

[RayKay]

I remember your post previously, which I replied to, and I am sorry to hear things are still bad for you.

 

Now, I will address the sexual problems in a second but first I wanted to address a couple other things you and other posters have touched on. She is 23 years old! She should be able to make her own appointment and furthermore NOT be embarrassed to go to gyno. If she MUST go through her mother to do it, she can just tell her mom it is for her yearly exam because truth be told I am very concerned that it sounds like she does not go regularly. Women should be going for PAP smears/regular exams at least EVERY year, especially when they are sexually active! If she has not been going she could be having severe problems (and I don't mean to scare you). I was diagnosed with cervical dysplasia in my late teens after one of my PAPS, which are basically cancerous/precancerous cells that can be common and women need treatment for these..I had laser surgery, biopsies and other treatments for a couple years and am now fine, but this can be a very serious issue leading to cervical cancer and infertility. And it happens "often" enough that is why they recommend yearly PAPS!

 

She may indeed be having pain, and when you are having pain with that part of your body it is SERIOUS. At 23 years old she should not be embarrassed, she should be getting checked regularly and she should make an appointment NOW. Seriously, this is not something you want to mess around with.

 

Now for the rest of it....outside the health issue...there is a big maturity issue here as well, and a big communication issue. You have clearly told her your feelings about it, and she still figures it is not a big deal, I am assuming. Sex is important, how important will vary from person to person and relationship to relationship, but personally I think a healthy, COMPATIBLE sexual relationship is very important for a couple...sex can be the glue that brings us closer together, fosters intimacy, separates us from "just friends". If she is unwilling to go find out why she is hurting, or if she is using that "little white lie" to avoid it, you have major problems...it is up to you what you choose to do, but if she seems that unwilling to do anything about it, you are clearly not sexually compatible and you need to make a choice.

 

First, I would urge her that if she is feeling pain she needs to get to doctor NOW...even if I told my mother I was feeling pain, I think she would be concerned, and I would not worry about embarrassment! Tell her she should be going REGULARLY anyway and she is 23! They need to check her often for those cells that can signify problems and treat her, and find out what is going on. I just cannot get over fact she does not go regularly or is scared to go...sorry. If she refuses to go, or to talk about the sex problem, you need to make your choice...this could go on for a very long time. Her not taking responsibility for her own health scares me a lot, so even if she does not want to work on the "problem" with you, encourage her to go.

 

If this is a mental thing, it still seems she sees no problem, or is not mature to discuss it at length or work on it. And then you have to decide whether you, and she, are really ready for this relationship.

[OceanEyes]

I couldn't have said things better than you, RayKay. Your posts are always so well thought-out and informative.

 

The part about seeing the gyno on a regular basis, even if there is nothing wrong, is absolutely right. If she was on the pill, she would probably have to show up at least once a year for a pap. Well, that's how things work around here anyhow. A gyno will usually give you a prescription for the pill, but when you want your prescription renewed, you have to go back and see him/ her. There are a lot of very sensitive issues 'down there' and many women find that things can sometimes go wrong.

 

Yearly (or bi-yearly) pap tests can verify that everything is in working order. Most women are nervous about the first couple of trips to the gyno (and possibly every time after that), but a responsible and mature woman will go anyway because she knows how important it is to maintain reproductive health. To be honest with you Sammy, I don't know a single female who refuses to go because "she's embarrased".

 

Your concerns are well-founded. I think that you have a right to a sexual and intimate relationship with her. If you have explained to her that this part of your relationship is very important to you, and she still won't go, then I think she may be giving you excuses to get out of being sexually active with you.

[SlipperySammy]

Ray Kay, thank you for the very thought out and written response.

 

First off she does see the gyno one time a year, she had her last appointment this past spring. I asked her to bring up our problem with the doctor and I figured that she would. After she got home I asked her what he said and she said that she didn't bring it up. The our problem progressed through out the summer so I insisted that she make an appointment, I finally got her to agree that she would go over Christmas break. But when the time came she actually did call but was satisfied with only telling them that she didn't like the type of pill she was on. The nurse recomended switching them over the phone and she agreed and hung up. I also found out later that she is still on the same pill, they just switched her from the generic brand to the real brand. I am not a doctor but I would be surprised if this did any thing. So basicaly after all these months nothing was accomplished.

 

For those of you that say it could be her pills...I agree but shouldn't she have a consoltation with a physician? I think so! She said to me, "maybe it is my pills...so I'll just stop taking them." I replied, "maybie...but you need to see the doctor." She stopped taking them for a month, but I never really agreed that it was a good idea....she had no change and now she is taking them again. (typing this out and reading this makes me realize how assinine this situation is.)

 

I agree on the maturity issue and that is what I have thought all along. She seems very immature to me, and it is very frustrating.

 

I think some one also asked how often do we have sex, and the answer is 1-3 times a month at most. I don't like oversimplifying the problem by breaking it down to numbers, because I know there is alot more to the issue.

[RayKay]

Well Sammy, reading your last post made me think some more about this issue and have another opinion.

 

I really think she is unconcerned and is either making an "excuse" or just is not sexually compatible with you. She is not taking responsibility, and I think that is clear by her not going to talk to someone about it or seeing doctor or counsellor, or something! Yes, if it is her pills she should talk to doctor, or when she goes to get the prescription renewed annually, she should say "yes, I have noticed a problem with my sex drive" etc when they ask if there have been any problems with it (they have to ask you that).

 

The pill can DEFINITELY do something. I know for me it likely did/does, but might be good as I am still into sex, and love it a lot, so maybe it is good if it curbs it a bit..LOL.

 

1-3 times a month is very below average. I read somewhere that they consider couples living together/married who have sex 10 or less times a year to be way way way below average, and basically in a platonic relationship and they consider it a problem. The average married couple has sex 3 times a week, the average single guy once a week. Even if you were single you would be getting more! LOL On average with my live in boyfriend I have sex 7 times a week, sometimes a little less, and sometimes more depending on our busy schedules, travelling, etc. We both initiate, both take pleasure in it, and even if I am not in mood when he starts to initiate, I get into it very soon!

 

This is a problem..yes there are reasons, but even with numbers it is clear there is a big incompatibility here.

 

Have you brought up going to relationship/sexual counselling together with her? Maybe an environment like that would show her there is a problem, and give you both more guidance in how to communicate and approach the issue.

[SlipperySammy]

I have looked into counseling but she says no. I looked up some couples counslers in the yellow pages but she didn't like that idea.

 

I really appreciate your help and I which I could get her to open and see how big this problem really is. I would be a fool to keep at this if she show no sing of wanting to improve our situation. I have tried very hard to be sensitive and mature about this, but how long do keep trying. This has been a problem for almost 12 months, and I have been tired of this issue for a long time.

[sexynadaley]

All my views have already been said by other people but I think you are wrong to think that she doesnt love you because she wont go to the doctor.

I personally suffer from cystitis a few times throughout the year and that makes sex a big no no. It extremely annoying as me and my partner are highly sexed. So we get through it by a lot of self love (but with eachother) and a lot of 'dry-humping' which is a bit strange unless you are very comfortable with your partner but just invloves rubbing yourself up against eachother in the usual sexual positions and getting very ot and heavy with touching and kissing but nothing underneath the panties.

 

Hope evrything goes okay with you x

[Derek]

I was thinking...

 

Sammy's saying to his buddies, yeah we never have sex, its only like 1-3 times a month.

 

She's saying to her friends, yeah he's always demanding sex, we already have it like every week, I dunno what the big deal is! Gosh!

 

And both are right... =)

 

Perception...

 

When he first said that she does all sorts of things for him (gifts of service), maybe she needs that sort of thing back to feel intimate with him.

 

Maybe for him, he doesn't need the "little gifts" but see sex as the way to feel intimate with her.

 

So both people are trying to give the wrong thing to each other and remain frustrated because they are showing love in different languages to each other.

 

What does she get out of this relationship?

Does she get the affection she wants/needs?

People talk about how typically girls can live without sex but can't live without affection, while guys can life without affection but can't live without sex.