I feel so angry, I start crying

[Avro1986]

Hi everyone,

 

I have posted other threads about my ex and other relationships. I am still single. I am seeing a psychologist to deal with my strong anger. Here's my story: in September 2013, I started my PhD in science. I was very proud because I had to work really hard to get there. My undergraduate studies were severely affected by the death of my grandmother (who raised me) to cancer. My grades plummeted. My grandfather died 15 months later, and I left the house because it got sold. I graduated in 2009; I had to work really hard for 4 years to work my way up to the PhD. I got a M.Sc. in the process.

 

So, when I started the PhD, things quickly degraded between my supervisor and I because of miscommunication and dirty politics (with other lab members). In February, she asked me to leave the lab without helping me find another one. I refused, apologized for any unintentional mistakes, and told her I would improve. She didn't like that an cut off all resources. I had found a mentor in the department but he fell greatly ill, so he could no longer help me. At that point, I was on my own, got extremely stressed, but held on. Eventually, I out-sourced and got help from kind-hearted researchers who I had never met and who weren't involved in any project. 100% strangers. I managed to make a project on my own and win a poster prize! I was extremely happy and proud. I got mixed reactions from other lab members, and my supervisor didn't congratulate me.

 

During that time, I met my ex girlfriend through eharmony. She was very interested in me. Within a month, we said that we loved each other, and she said that she wanted to be "my woman". She wanted a relationship that could lead to marriage and didn't want to be played. I felt that things were coming around for me: PhD improving and found "love". Three months later, the Department fail my oral presentation over some bull**** reasons (i had practiced for 1.5 months in front of the lab) and asked me to leave the program right before the holidays!! I was extremely angry and stressed. My holidays were ****. I felt ashamed and unfairly treated. To add insult to injury, my professor had invited me to her Christmas diner the night before she told the Department give me the letter!!

 

Meanwhile, things fell apart between my ex and I. She had just graduate from her MBA and living at home. She was more interested in partying and getting drunk than spending time with me. We fought a lot over stupid things, except when she got mad at me for "not wanting to go to Church to confess my sins" and leaving a New Year's Party earlier because I had lab responsibilities. She lost interest in me. One Saturday, we went skating and had a great time together. I felt happier and less ashamed. She gave me her word that she would be there for me, loved me, and things would get better. I felt safe. Three days later, she dumped me saying that she couldn't help me, and "I needed a girlfriend that could." I pleaded with her saying that I was going through times, but was working for a solution. She wouldn't listen and added: "You're not the only person who got kicked out of their PhD program, so you have no excuse for acting this way (fighting and being emotional). " She was a party animal and loved getting wasted in parties, while I was working weekends and holidays for my project. I also do weightlifting 3x week. I told her: "When you were17, your dad got you a job at a prestigious law firm. When I was 17, I was cleaning animal cages in a pet shop for 7.35$/hour. You are callous and have a completely different reality than mine." She said that it was unrelated.

 

I was shocked, gave, up and accepted her decision. She looked surprised and as I was leaving, she started crying about being cheated on and that she wanted me around as a friend. I refused. She said that she would be happy to be together once I would sort out things, but admitted jumped into the relationship. I was like: "Thank you for using me as an experimental guinea pig by taping into my deepest emotions to see if you really wanted a serious relationship" She led me on for an extra 6 weeks, until I had enough and wished her a good life. She never answer back.

 

Just like with my supervisor who is a woman, I felt extremely angry for being used and abandoned. I cried in rage: losing my PhD and girlfriend during the holidays. I don't have a lot of friends. I sat in the bathtub naked with a razor blade waiting.... cried more...I had suffered a lot more when my grandparents died, failed school, and became depressed. The shame bothers me. Anyways, I started seeing a psychologist and it's helping slowly. According to her, I get extremely upset when betrayed because: 1) My mother abandoned me when I was 4 2) I don't have a large network of resources, so getting back up can be quite hard.

 

I brought my supervisor in front of the Dean (for the way I was treated all along), and I am getting a second M.Sc, so I won. I'm not leaving with nothing. I still train and meet new people. I am finishing my thesis (my supervisor is not helping) and getting my applications for med/vet school and PhD programs ready. I am bouncing back. However, occasionally, I get extremely sad and betrayed: I can't get back at them either physically or psychologically without going to jail. I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I have always been honest and genuinely tried to improve situations by apologizing if necessary. My question: how can you get back at such people? Or should I? I hate feeling that angry to the point I cry and start thinking about suicide to "get back at them". I am sure that other people in this forum have been through something similar...being helpless. I'm sorry for posting something similar from other posts, it's just I keep dreaming about these two bit**** and wake up. It's my ex

s birthday on the 21. I take comfort knowing that "what goes around comes around" and that her family life is far from being ideal (she's Italian in a relatively conservative family). Sometimes, I want to call her to ask to take me back, but I know that it's only because I am emotionally vulnerable right now. Once I bounce back and find myself in a loving relationship and in a new studies program, I will be happy and won't think about my supervisor or ex anymore. Again, sorry for the long post.

[PH Suite]

Wow, you've been through a lot. I can only give you my respect for soldiering on and rising above it. Sounds like victory will be yours. That's the best revenge.

 

I can totally relate to wanting to harm those who wrong you - good and hard - however just rise far above and beyond them, take the High Road and leave them to their petty existence.

 

Good luck in your bright future!

[intheferns]

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. The situation with your supervisor is terrible - is this something a supervisor is allowed to do? To take away support to prevent you from completing your studies? Is there a student advocate or something where you can get help switching to a different supervisor/lab? Or is this pretty much done now and you're moving on to a different program after the Dean review? If there is no action you can take now that will further your educational goals then finish up and move on.

 

As for your ex - you will never get the apology you want. There is nothing you can do or say to make her realize how much she hurt you. It's a bitter pill but it's the simple truth. The only thing you can do is learn to stop caring about her and her feelings and focus on what makes you feel good and whole.

 

Your anger and hatred is all about these other people - what THEY feel and what you can do to make them feel a certain way. You need to release this notion - you cannot control another person's feelings. The only thing it's doing is keeping you stuck in a dark, negative place during some of the worst times of your life. Talk with your psychologist about these feelings.

[catfeeder]

I take comfort knowing that "what goes around comes around"

 

...and that's all you need to know. The idea is to give them less power over you, not more. If you walk around seething, that's your own stomach lining. It's like taking poison and hoping someone else gets sick from it.

 

Embrace your resiliency and build it UP. Take comfort and pride in the goal of surprising everyone, including yourself, with your ability to bounce back. Self destruction is not the way to do that.

 

Head high.

[Avro1986]

It's like taking poison and hoping someone else gets sick from it.

 

I truly love that quote. Thank you! Before I started my first M.Sc., other family members told me that I shouldn't even consider grad school because of my undergraduate studies...Now I have two M.Sc. I promised my grandparents on their death beds that I would never give up. It's just really hard when people, who you think would have your best interests, say that. I feel like holding my breath all the time. Anyways, history is filled with people who didn't give up. When I start beating myself up, I remember my psychologist saying: "You can't control the hand you're dealt; you can only play the best you can with these cards." Hence, I keep searching for ways to improve each year. Despite my low self-confidence, I know that I am very intelligent and should take great pride in my resilience. Thanks!

[Avro1986]

Hi! no, she can't. I tried to improve things, but it didn't work. She's well connected. I did go see student advocacy. Funny thing: after the holidays, I kept quiet for ~1 month until she and the Department contacted me. She got mad when she realized that I had been planning action against her all along. The art of war says: "All warfare is deception." I'm happy that I took her off guard. As for my ex, I know that I have made mistakes, but she was far from being perfect. For example, she often said "I can't believe that you just did that to me!" or "The fact that you don't understand what you just did is beyond me! This is a disturbing lack of social skills!" She made me feel like crap, which I was already feeling because of the PhD dismissal. Still, I miss her and feel like begging. My psychologist asked me: "Are you missing her (truly) or just human contact?" In reality, we had only been dating for 3 months...so clearly it is human contact. She added that it is normal for me to feel that way because a man of my age is usually starting to look for a partner to love (and be loved back). Plus, I was very vulnerable emotionally. I like that idea. The psychologist said that my big error was "to believe that my ex would be there for me because she said so, rather than letting her prove it to me through multiple actions." Words are cheap. So, I feel that I have gained more control. I remember my supervisor snapping her fingers at me in front of the lab when I dropped croissant crumbs on the floor.. like a dog. As for my ex, she used to have a serious drug problem and has a lot of personal issues. For example, she wears a lot of make up (she's only 26) and never wanted me to see her without it... Somehow, all of her ex boyfriends were either abusive or s... I think that if I were to have a drink with them, I'd get a different picture...