breakup from 6 years ago still bothers me

[wlh22]

I am here to confess and let my feelings out. I was deeply in love with a girl and we were together for about two years (or a bit more) which grew out of friendship. But she decided to end the relationship (breakup took place about 6 yrs back). It took me a long time to adjust to what had happened... nearly 2 years to move on. Since then I have lived my own life, have learned new things in life etc, met some other ppl but nothing has come close to that intensity of love/purity. Even today I feel sad thinking about the breakup. I want to how to really "deal" with it and if I need some help.

 

The reason I still struggle with it is that I really do believe she loved me and I did too but somewhere I think communication gap started building up and I wasn't able to prioritize her in my life due to the fact that I decided to pursue higher education (which changed my life, made me busy etc.) and made us long distance.

 

I know she was the one who decided to end the relationship and although I really tried hard (begged) to ask her to continue and explain to me what happened and I really loved her etc. she continued with the breakup. It also came to my knowledge (unfortunately) after a couple of months of trying to keep asking her to take me back that she had started seeing someone else, who may have overlapped with our relationship. My heart had shattered and when I asked her she initially denied but later agreed in the moment of a heated debate and erased me from her life (changed phone number, and given we had become LD, no further contact in life)

 

Now that I have more experience about life under my belt, I look back and feel like she was the best thing that happened to me but perhaps I wasn't able to figure out how to give her the right time, attention and emotional support in a LD relationship, while my life had become busy with studies. There were days I realized things were amiss at times, or that I wasn't able to give her time as much as I wanted (which I confessed one day) and that I was struggling figuring out how to make a LD relationship be really work or that I was adding new friends in my life in college and perhaps she was still stuck with expecting me focusing more on her.

 

I still feel sad thinking what could have been a beautiful relationship and feels like I made a bunch of mistakes (time, pursuing education, moving long distance without proposing) not making the relationship a priority.

 

How do you really deal with this type of experience?

[Heavy]

Do you know where she is these days??? If so why not contact her and see if she wants to catch up??? Never know unless you ask.....

[wlh22]

Hey Heavy, The way things ended she essentially changed her number and things so it sort of ended up bitter notes. After about two years I tried to make contact with her by going to her place (her parents I mean, as she was living with her parents before me moving to a different state) and it was really awkward. I went to sort of close things on a better note but she wasn't home and her parents sort of didn't really talk to me (they knew about the breakup). She never contacted me (I would assume her parents told her about my visit but don't know for sure) and today we have no contact besides her email address

[Heavy]

Try one of her friends? Facebook as another way. I do feel for you maybe she never contacted you again because she was not ready.

Have you thought that you maybe emotional detatched??? I am and it annoys the hell out of me at times, maybe talk to a professional about not being able to move on??

 

You can PM me anytime

[kbbcoop77]

Let her go and move on. 6 years is way too long to carry a torch for a 2 year relationship that is dead and buried. Get some therapy or something, it's way over

[Ms Darcy]

Have you had a relationship - I mean a good relationship - since the relationship with her ended?

[wlh22]

Unfortunately no Ms Darcy. I will confess that. I took a long time to recover and focus on myself after that breakup. I have grown as a person quite a but. Then, i developed feelings for a very close friend who did not reciprocate romantic interest. I dated someone for a few months but she ended up breaking up with me to be with her ex (she was honest about it and offered to remain friends). Recently I got very close to someone and dated for 6 months but I felt like she was not on.thr dame page in terms of seriousness of relationship and life stage so ended things.

 

So, I guess the answer to your question is no Ms darcy

[villagehero]

W,

I know where you are coming from and empathize with how you are feeling. I'm approaching on two years this October since my breakup and I occasionally have dreams about her and can't go more than two days without thinking about her. Although I must continue contact with her due to our daughter, it still feels like I miss the person she used to be towards ME.

 

Which is my next point. I believe both you and I are holding on to the person they used to be. It's difficult to imagine but the identity ingrained within us about them is only a 2 dimensional image. We are attached to how they made us feel and thus we cannot see them as a whole, individual person.

 

The other women you dated don't have that grasp on you because you can separate yourself completely from them as a whole instead of only the happiness they provided.

 

It's difficult to achieve because of how hard we loved the other person and how, even for a brief moment, they loved us back. I say this as I still continue to have slight anxiety, shortness of breath, nightmares of her, and everything else that lingers like a phantom limb.

 

Meditation, daily affirmations, and journaling helps in releasing the emotions. Maybe therapy would be the proper course of action after so many years (might be headed there myself). It comes in waves. Hang-10.

 

TLDR

 

You're reminiscing over the person she used to be. See her as a whole human being than just your ex from 6 years ago and release the attachment from within.

 

Be well,

 

VH

[mhowe]

feels like I made a bunch of mistakes (time, pursuing education, moving long distance without proposing) not making the relationship a priority.

 

None of these were mistakes. Becoming the best "you" you can be is never a mistake.

 

And most highschool sweethearts do not go on to live happily ever after.

[Brokenheart99]

I think because you haven't found someone you like more, you compare everyone to her and you think she was the best. So you long for her because you haven't found another and probably because you feel like you screwed it up. You didn't mess it up, if she really did value the relationship and you, she wouldn't have ran to another man the minute there was a communication gap.

 

Try dating others. Eventually you may find you can have strong feelings for someone where it will work out and it may help you forget her.

 

It sounds like you're in a romantic slump because nothing has worked out, so you long for your last best romantic memory.

[wlh22]

Thanks everyone.

 

Brokenheart99. I think you are partly correct. I haven't been able to develop that yet and afraid time is running out. I found the below online and I think that could have happened. In that moment thought as we went to different locations and different schedules, I was not able to figure how to manage that out OR realize how big of any issue it was until she ended things. Lack of communication from my side became the issue. But I also feel if I hadn't moved itself and proposed things would have been different, which is something I am not able to process.

However, the situation was complicated by the fact that I found out she was with someone else right away and likely the guy overlapped towards the end of our relationship. It feels like my lack of attention and distance made her emotionally weak to seek support in someone else. How do you process that?

 

 

 

Your partner felt ignored and unappreciated. As with a garden, when a relationship isn’t tended to, it withers and dies. If you underappreciated your partner or neglected to nurture the bond between you, your partner might have broken off like a dead limb on a tree. Maybe there were reasons you didn’t want to put energy and time into the relationship, or perhaps you felt like it was your partner’s job as much as yours. This all may be true, but once the life goes out of the partnership, it takes a lot of work to cultivate it back to where it needs to be.

 

How to cope: Work on taking responsibility for your part, forgiving yourself for what you could have done differently, and letting go of how you think it should have been. Try to relinquish anger and resentment to create space for understanding and growth.

[Brokenheart99]

Every relationship has mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. If mistakes defined a relationship, then no relationship would survive. I'm sure you made your share of mistakes and feel guilty, blame yourself, and think that had you not done such and such, she wouldn't have reacted the way she did and gone to someone else and we would still be together and I would still be happy now. Trust me, ive been there(sometimes I still am) and I get that. But here's the thing, first off, you are most likely feeling this blame because you are currently unhappy with your situation and love life. So you are thinking back to your good times and how you can get them back and blaming yourself. If you were happily in love or even just happy right now, you would probably not see this as purely your fault and chalk it up to you two growing different/apart and wanting and being at different points in your life. Don't let your current state of mind rewrite your history.

 

And secondly, yes even if you did make mistakes, she did too. When you were moving and growing distant or whatever, where was she? Why didn't she talk to you about it? Why didn't she try to resolve the issue with her or tell you her needs? Why didn't she tell you she felt these things. And more importantly why did she cheat and run to another man? That is definitely not okay and never acceptable no matter "your mistakes" and that reflects her character not yours. Your actions don't define hers. She should have come to you to work on the relationship if she truly cared and truly wanted it. You didn't push her away. Maybe you made mistakes, she did too, but that's normal for any relationship. And for a relationship to survive, there has to be communication and loyalty from both ends. Not bolting the minute things get tough.

 

So don't blame yourself, realize that she had a part too and she was a part of your life that didn't work out. Unfortunately not all things do. That's just how life goes. But that doesn't mean other things can't work out. I think dating will help and when you finally open your heart enough to give someone else another chance, you will realize that you can love again and it will be better. There's nothing to be found in the past but blame and hurt.