Where do I go From here (looong)

[confusedmama]

I'm new to this entire help process so please bear with me. I'm married, 14 years, 3 children 10,7,3 all boys and I'm working on getting up my guts to file for divorce. Background info: Husband had affair 2 years ago that I found out about from my sister-in-law, I had suspected others but didn't really want to go there. Stayed to try to work it out, I guess that was my first mistake. He proceeded to steal the keys to my office, break in, get on my computer to "get" something on me. Unfortunately, I had been emailing to an old co-worker ( 3 states away) who is male. I'm not sure why other than it was a safe way to flirt and feel better about myself as he was payingattention to apparently 2 other women during this time. But I realize that is NO EXCUSE. I didn't find out about this until I found the keys in his briefcase over 1 year later, so I actually don't know how often he was at my work. He took to following me whenever I went out with friends he didn't "approve" of, i.e. he wasn't invited. He accused me of having an affair with a friend of both of ours and called his wife while we were at conference with his accusations, she called her husband and myself and relaying the entire conversation, this was in May. She of course believed and trusted us, because we are all simply great friends. The topper of all this is he lost his job in September, I had to hear about it from somebody I don't even know, they asked "So where is R going now that he isn't at his job any longer?" I didn't even know there were porblems on his job. I might want to mention here he has had 10 jobs in the 14 years we've been married and part of his excuse for the affair was I worked too much and my job came before him. I feel like somebody has to put food on the table. In his job change he took a pay cut, forced me to put us on my insurance ( another $400 pay cut) he travels now, and I never know when he will be gone or where he is going. I moved out of the bedroom in September and have no urge to go back. He keeps saying he is changing, even if I can't see it. I don't want to raise my children on my own, but I don't think I can continue like this. I've asked hime to leave 4 times and he won't go. I hate to uproot my children but I also don't want things to get ugly. Any suggerstions would be appreciated.

[Beec]

The big issues you have on how to go about getting divorced and doing it the safest and best way for your kids, and self, is to talk to a divorce lawyer.

 

I have a friend without kids who was told to move out when she was away. A good choice. the advice was egared toward making sure there were no domestic abuse allegations. And he was later accused of breaking in, but was elsewhere so it could not have been him.

[Hope75]

Hi confused mama,

 

Welcome to enotalone!

 

I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time.

 

Your husband sounds unstable and volitile, I think your best option since he won't leave if for you to take your boys and go.

 

I realize this is very hard with three young children, where is your family? Do you have parents or a sibling with whom you all could stay with while you try and find another place to live? how about a friend? Even if it is for a short time and you are all on the living room floor, it sounds better then where you are now, though personally I could kick your hubby in the jimmy for not leaving himself and letting you and the boys keep your place.

 

I think you've already reached a wise decision deciding to leave your husband and ask for a divorce. He is the one who cheated and now he is looking for anything he can to turn it on you and he will go to any lengths to do this. (he stole your work keys and broke into your computer! this is a felony!!)

 

My advice is to bide your time, look for another place to live and get out as quickly as possible.

 

What you are doing now is not a marriage and it's not healthy for your sons to see this type of relationship.

 

best of luck!

[confusedmama]

Thanks for the responses. I contacted a lawyer in Oct. and will have to file for custody of the kids and in VA you have to be separateed for at least 12 months to file for divorce unless there are abusive circumstances. My guilt is what is eating me up, although I can logically tell myself I have a need to get out, my wish for happily ever after keeps getting in the way. It doesn't help he continues to throw religion and scripture up in my face. Can someone just give me a good kick in the pants?

[Hope75]

You don't need a kick in the pants,

 

You already know what you want and need to do.

 

Just go for it!

[kipster]

Thanks for the responses. I contacted a lawyer in Oct. and will have to file for custody of the kids and in VA you have to be separateed for at least 12 months to file for divorce unless there are abusive circumstances. My guilt is what is eating me up, although I can logically tell myself I have a need to get out, my wish for happily ever after keeps getting in the way. It doesn't help he continues to throw religion and scripture up in my face. Can someone just give me a good kick in the pants?

 

I'm sorry confusedmama, but I'm not going to take sides since there's always two sides to every story. I'm just going off the information that you provided with my insights from perhaps a different perspective.

 

First, I'd say lets be honest. He had an affair on you 2 years ago and cleary that severed your trust for him. There's no excuse for that and it didn't help that you had to hear it from family, which must have been embarrassing and painful. I certainly empathize with you on that one. You 'stayed to try to work it out' but clearly your trust had been compromised and that takes TIME to REBUILD. I don't believe, however, that that was your 'first mistake'. What I believe, is that perhaps the manner you tried to work it out was a mistake. Did you seek professional help in doing so? Did you seek spiritual guidance (since you mentioned that he tried to throw 'scripture' in your face, I assume religion is important to you, so that may be an avenue worth trying)? Trying to work it out on your own is a mistake, but its a mistake with your methodology/approach not in the act itself. You had a problem in your marriage and you wanted to do the right thing, work it out. But the proper avenue to doing that is to do so in an arena where your real feelings can be shared, without repercussion, acknowledged and used to build a stronger foundation. I'd say your husband, with the right direction could make the changes you seek--that is, if its really about changes or if that's just a ploy to move on, which is o.k., since its your choice. I've just seen many women/men say they want to see 'changes' only to then later drop the person after they make the changes because now they say the person is not what they want. In that case then, it really wasn't about the change it was about wanting an exit and trying to ease their own guilt/pain in the process. I think you have to be real about that especially since you've not that your husband says that he'll change 'even if [you] can't see it'. That indicates that at the very least he's willing. Truth is, the next man may not be as flexible since three children is a heavy burden for a man to want to take on--I'm not trying to scare you, only to be honest with you on how I'm sure many men will feel.

 

Personally, I'd suggest taking that spiritual path and seeking some form of counseling in that arena, but that choice is up to you. I just think after 14 years and 3 children that I'm sure the both of you love, you have to really ask yourself is it really a non-salvageable relationship? Sure you could leave, but what would you change about you for the next relationship or are your o.k. with the possibility of perhaps repeating this same cycle? If nothing else, counseling is needed for you to grapple with these issues so that the next time around you don't bring this baggage to the next person that may or may not be the one.

 

 

Now onto the accused 'affair' withyour friend. Let's 'keep it real'. You were e-mailing this co-worker for the attention and flirting with him and you liked it. It made you feel better, although you knew it was wrong and had a possibility to lead you into a potential relationship with him. You acknowledged that by saying that it was 'no excuse', so lets not act like your husband was 'off his rocker' when he followed you and became suspicious. He had every right to be suspicious, you were communicating with another man and I'm sure he could sense that. Now its only natural for him to become a bit 'jealous' and I know you know that. What's comical though, is that he would cheat and then get scared when the same potential happened with you. Doesn't make much sense, but two wrongs don't make a right, especially when you're trying to (as you say) 'work it out'. But I'm glad you at least acknowledged that since some people will bash a husband/wife but then not use the same intensity when evaluting their own behavior making it seem like they were a saint, while there mate was an animal. Again, there are two sides to every story.

 

So in sum, I'd say think about this rationally and ask yourself if you really want to leave him or not, and for the right reasons. Don't simply try to build a straw man by saying, "I should leave" and then find all the faults in him to rationalize your decision (e.g., he moved jobs, you took a pay cut, you moved out of the bedroom, etc.). Remember, in a marriage many of those things are what you're supposed to do--its a union a committment and you knew that when you tied the knot. Let's not act like you have amnesia and somehow forgot that. In addition, for every negative you can give of a person you could just as easily come up with some good things that he's done, which most people fail to realize. And if/when you've made up your mind, one way or the other, then do it. No regrets and no hanging on (e.g., like when a person leaves then misses the other when the other person has now moved on and they realized they could have worked things out--I've seen this sooooo many times its not even funny). Its easy to leave, doors always open, but it takes a really special person to really assess the situation and make an informed decision and do what it takes to make it work, whether it be in this relationship or the ones that follow.

 

Just my view,

 

Kip

[confusedmama]

Yes, we went to counselling, because I do realize that we couldn't just go back to the way we were. We started with a pastor, which is where R "found" religion. Up to this point 6 weeks after the affair was discovered he refused to go to church and didn't believe at all. While I am estatic that he is now a believer he has also taken the high road when it comes to religion, he talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. THe pastor then recommended we see a Christian Marriage counselor, which we did for about 9 months. At this point I was simply trying to survive and begin to trust again, at this same time R is pushing the issue to renew our vows and stating that I should be past all the hurt and distrust after all it had been almost 1 year. At the end of 9 months, Jamie-the counselor- said, and I agree, we needed to work on our individual issues before we could move on in our marriage. At that point in time I had put the blinders back on thinking if I simply gave more and did more we could get back what was missing.

R went back to the conference for 5 days where he met the woman he had the affair with, and I had to trust and believe that nothing would happen, which I was doing on a daily basis because he was still working with another woman he had had an affair with. After we finished with Jamie we went for about 6 months on our own. In this time, he began following me, showing up at work at unexpected times, he locked me out of my work email twice, because I had changed the password and he couldn't stand NOT to be able to get involved. He went through my purse, my briefcase, and called friends of ours to try & manipulate information. I guess I had finally had enough when in May he accused me of the other affair and instead of confronting me he calls the wife. I feel he musst think I am extremely stupid, because if I were going to have an affair I most defintely would NOT have told him I was going to the conference with my friend, and I would not have given him my room number or checked in at home as soon as we arrived.

In June we started with another therapist-Elizabeth- and after about 4 sessions she wanted to see me by myself, because at that point I still could not make decisions about our marriage. I could see, or actually I made excuses for all the boundry issues R had crossed over trying to see the up side. I am still seeing her and I have read books about boundries and co-dependancy and enabling. I realize that I do not have a great set of boundries, I allow people to take advantage of me and then turn on myself as it is my fault.

The final straw with R job loss is the fact that he has yet to explain to me WHY he was asked to resign- it was a city governemet position that he had held for almost 5 years ( the longest he has ever held a positon). Being in a similar position with the county I know how hard it is to get people out, so I figure it must of been a repeated offense or an extremely bad one. Maybe I should insert here he has lost 2 other positions because of a sexual harassment charge. But the worst part of this is the fact he assumed I would be willing to take up the slack in the finances, even though I am to submit to him as the leader of the family(while I agree with that statement , there is a difference between and leader and a ruler), without any conversation about how I would feel or my opinion. At this time he began to look at porn on the internet again, something that he has had issues with before ( can't figue out why I don't act and do everything they will on his computer screen). I also discovered a personal ad in which he stated he was separated that he had began BEFORE I moved out of the bedroom.

I still have a lot of work to do on myself, I believe that this is why I am still in this marriage. Guts to stand up for myself I run short of quickly. Hope this helps with why I am so confused with my lack of action.

[confusedmama]

I have finally set some ground rules up for myself. I'm giving him until the last week in Feb. to actually move out an then I'll look into hiring the lawyer, and finding a place for the kids & myself. I'm a terrible procrastinator and I think having a deadline will force me into making decisions. After the past weekend when the lack of direction hit me so hard I almost didn't want to get out of bed, I came to this conclusion. I also discovered he was looking at porn and was back on the personals the weekend I was at a conference (Jan 14-15). I checked the cookies since he deletes the history.