Bi-sexual attraction affecting friendships

[skwshyone]

Hello all, I'm new to this site, but I'm glad to finally have found someplace that seems I can call my niche. I have in the last few months admitted to a dear friend that I am and have been crushing on her, not for as long as our friendship, but for quite some time. I will always love her as a friend, regardless of where the relationship goes or doesn't go. Friendship does not automatically equal sexual attraction, I have many girlfriends that I don't and never will look at in that way. Also, by the way, I'm happily married, 9 years to a wonderful man, but am however bi-sexual. At the time that I admitted that I was interested she was not, and I quote "Absolutely not attracted to me like that and wasn't sure if she ever could be, besides it could make things weird." I accepted her response and nothing changed, our friendship remained close and our time together was still as it was previously. Since then, she has hit on me in a big way and I have become very confused and frankly a bit distant out of sheer self-preservation. My heart is on the line here, this is not just a sex thing to me. I dearly and truly care for her in ways that I would say I care for my husband. Does anyone have any advice or help? PS: My husband too has deep feelings for this person and is being affected too, lucky for me he and I are best friends and talk very openly and honestly and lean on each other for support. Thanks to any help or advice.

[DN]

I take it your husband is aware you are bi and knows you are interested in your friend?

[DN]

Forgive this question if it is impertinent but I have some gay friends who insist that there is no such thing as a bisexual. I could not see why there shouldn't be but being hetero I have limited knowledge and could not argue the point effectively.

[sonjam]

Suggesting to a girlfriend you are interested could open up all kinds of possibilities.

 

She's obviously flattered, and is playing with the idea.

 

Be very CAREFULL. She might have fantasies in her head about you, but when it comes to the real thing, might not go through with it. Sharing her with your husband could be a very fulfilling experience, but be carefull, it might put unncesary strain on your relationship. You have to be very sure there's no jealousy or trust issues before attempting this.

 

Before embarking on any physical quests with your friend, wait awhile and see if she cools down, or if she stays hot for you. These thing have a way of coming to fruition in time!

 

Another way of getting the truth out of her is to get her defences down by having a bottle of wine (just 1), visiting with her, doing girly things like toenails, face masks, sauna??? . Times like that, you talk heart to heart with your girlfriends, you defences are low, and you are willing to share your secrets. Make sure you are prepared for what may follow, but think of how it is going to affect your friendship. Is this the way you want to go, and are you willing to risk your friendship?

 

Good Luck!

[skwshyone]

Okay, so I wrote this girl a letter with no intention of giving it to her, but I spilled my feelings out on paper and feel much better. Just when I'm feeling better she calls to ask me to go on an overnight road trip with her. I had to say yes given the situation and reason for the invite. She even went to the extent of asking me to not mention anything to anyone we would be seeing on this trip. What is that!?! Was she just bi-curious, does she have feelings, but doesn't want to admit to them? I think I must be crazy for agreeing to go with her, but it is a situation that I would do for any friend and a circumstance that she needs someone to rely on through. I guess I should be flattered that I was asked and not the guy she's been for the past couple of months.

 

More confused now than ever.

[mgirl]

Well, i don't know what you are going to do about the road trip, but it's people like me and a few others that post here (and a few 100 thousand throughout the world i assume), that openly come out of the closet, tell our family and friends just so people like you and your husband can have your cake and eat it too.

 

Please.

[mgirl]

skwshyone,

 

Didn't you say that your husband has 'deep' feelings for this woman? I don't get it... you are married, your husband has 'deep feelings' for this woman, so what are you suggesting? A three-way relationship?

 

What i meant by my post is that it is the openly gay people who go to all of the trouble of raising awareness, getting bashed (and yes, believe it or not, it does happen), going to gay protests etc., and outing ourselves to our family and friends, just so we can walk down the street with our lovers and not be shouted at. We make the committment to society as a whole to raise the awareness of gay issues, just so most of us can enjoy the priviledges that straight people do (and yet, we never do). We put ourselves on the line just so 'bi sexual' people or people who want threesomes can enjoy the benefits of gay sex, but not the stigma attached to being gay. Have you ever tried to walk down the street holding hands with your female lover? Probably not, but it takes a lot of guts. That's what i meant by "we do this so you can have your cake and eat it too". My comments were more about you, not your friend. I'm sorry if you feel attacked, but if you were me and were constantly hit on by straight or 'bi sexual' women, who go home and pretend they are heterosexual to their family and friends, you would feel equally repugnant. I guess i am sick of people enjoying the benefits without putting in all the hard work, because, believe me, it is hard.

[DN]

mgirl, I feel for you. I have two friends who are gay. One of them has never hid the fact he is gay (I'm not sure he could, he is so flamboyant!!) but his partner didn't come out until his late twenties. It was very hard for him because he is (or at least was) very shy and introverted, plus he wanted to be a lawyer (and lawyers are unpopular enough to start with!)

 

Being hetero, I have never had that sort of problem but I feel for people who don't have the moral courage to do the sort of thing you have been able to. They have their own demons to contend with. Just be content with the fact that it is because of people like you that people like me have been able to completely change our attitude towards gay people in the space of less than a generation.

[skwshyone]

Dear mgirl,

 

Yes I did say "we both" have feelings for my friend that extend beyond the typical friendship feelings. Polyamoric relationships do exist.

Are our human hearts and souls so small that we are bound by societal standards about only loving one person for the rest of our lives as well, gay or straight? How is it any more wrong to be bi-sexual than gay? It sounds to me that you have had many struggles and I am truly sorry. I am saddened by society's inability to accept human beings for human beings regardless of their sexual orientation. I have not experienced many of your struggles based on the fact that I am able to love both male and female, seeing all as human beings not gay or straight. Many of my family members do know and accept my position/orientation. Some of them it would literally put in the grave so we don't share with them, and there are very few acquaintances that don't know about my sexual orientation. Even my older daughters (14 and 16) know that mom is Bi, not to the extent that they know about our friend, but that is based on respect for her and her family. To me there is no right or wrong sexual orientation; there are sexual desires or lusts based upon chemical connections or energies that occur between two people. Sex is merely a form of expression of caring for another person deeply enough that you want to share all of yourself with that person. Have you read "Bisexuality – Not Always a Musical" by Sheldon Lewis

 

mgirl said: "Have you ever tried to walk down the street holding hands with your female lover? Probably not, but it takes a lot of guts. That's what i meant by "we do this so you can have your cake and eat it too". My comments were more about you, not your friend. I'm sorry if you feel attacked, but if you were me and were constantly hit on by straight or 'bi sexual' women, who go home and pretend they are heterosexual to their family and friends, you would feel equally repugnant. I guess i am sick of people enjoying the benefits without putting in all the hard work, because, believe me, it is hard."

 

Regarding your above quote:

First of all, one of my previous female lovers and I did walk in broad daylight down the street holding hands and we even kissed in public. Oooo, call the "gay police!" Pah-leez!! If the situation occurred with this current girlfriend I would do the same without even thinking about it. We have had physical contact in public, not so bold as kissing, but it does not bother me because frankly I could care less what is thought of me by general society, she however doesn't feel the same and because I respect her humanness I respect her position.

Again, I am sorry for the struggles and pains that you have endured. You are absolutely correct, I do not and can not understand it, I am not you. I have my own demons to bear and my own struggles to endure, some of which the aforementioned article may clear up for you. The fact still remains that we are all human beings and we all want to be understood and accepted for who we are, heart, mind, body, and soul. I can not buy the concept that we are put on this Earth to only love one person monogamously for the rest of our lives or my heart would not be so open to the feelings I have for my friend, and I would not be in as much pain over the situation as I am. Also, for the record I have many female friends who I am not attracted to in the same manner, not because they are not attractive, many of them are, but because I don't feel the same connection to any of them as I do for the friend I referred to in my post.

One final question/thought for you:

How is it that someone who has obviously fought so hard to gain acceptance in society because of prejudice based on her sexual orientation respond in such a hypocritical way to someone who has had to deal with demons as well due to sexual orientation? Your posts are case in point. I deal with prejudice from both the gay and straight society!

 

Truly acceptant of myself and others,

Skwshyone

[WhiteHawk]

mgirl,

 

I was going to keep my mouth shut, but after reading your last post I cannot help but speak up. I find it absolutely unbelievable that, as a gay woman, you would subject another human being to the same kind of emotional abuse that you yourself are complaining about receiving from the "straight community" at large. You have become your own worst enemy. You are showing the very qualities that the gay community has been fighting against for so many years. Do I believe that people are mistreated because of their sexual orientation? Absolutely! I have witnessed it myself. Do I think it is right? HELL NO! I do not think it is right to berate, belittle, or ABUSE any human being because of the way they were created!

 

(mgirl) "I'm sorry if you feel attacked, but if you were me and were constantly hit on by straight or 'bi sexual' women, who go home and pretend they are heterosexual to their family and friends, you would feel equally repugnant. I guess i am sick of people enjoying the benefits without putting in all the hard work, because, believe me, it is hard."

 

You do not sound terribly sorry to me, you sound hurt. I do not know who did what to you, but I do not think that taking your frustration out on another human being is right, nor will it help you feel any better. You need to be much more careful of how you categorize people. Not all straight people are "gay bashers", not all gay people are "straight bashers", and not all of any group is bashing anybody. By the words of your post you seem to have put yourself in a very specific group of people. This is the same group that gay people, black people, Jews, and any other minority type groups have been fighting for all of time. Your words make you appear to be a bigot. I find it hard to believe that you really want to be a member of that group.

 

(mgirl) "We put ourselves on the line just so 'bi sexual' people or people who want threesomes can enjoy the benefits of gay sex, but not the stigma attached to being gay."

 

I think you yourself have made it blatantly obvious that the bi-sexual community absolutely have the same kind of stigmas attached to them as the gay community. In fact they are stuck in the middle. They take heat from the bigots in the straight community for not being straight AND they take heat from the bigots in the gay community for not being gay!

 

You also seem to state here that bi-sexuals are in it just for the sex aspect of a relationship. What a load of garbage. Bi-sexuals are PEOPLE who happen to be attracted to both Men and Women. Why is it so hard for people to believe that this could be the case? Why does it have to be all about sex? Is it not possible that a Bi-sexual person could have a "normal" relationship with either gender?

 

(mgirl) "What i meant by my post is that it is the openly gay people who go to all of the trouble of raising awareness, getting bashed (and yes, believe it or not, it does happen), going to gay protests etc., and outing ourselves to our family and friends, just so we can walk down the street with our lovers and not be shouted at. We make the committment to society as a whole to raise the awareness of gay issues, just so most of us can enjoy the priviledges that straight people do (and yet, we never do)."

 

What makes you so sure that there are no Bi-sexuals marching by your side? What makes you think that it is only the Gay community speaking out about same sex relationships? I find it very sad indeed that you think Bi-sexuals sit by and watch while you do all the work. Why do you find it so difficult to give the same respect that you demand for yourself to those who do not share you own sexual orientation? Is this not the very thing that you yourself are fighting for so passionately?

 

No need to respond unless you want to, I just wanted to provide a few points to ponder.

[beemersv101]

Mgirl, I want to first say that I understand your pain and where you were coming from in your post. But I have to side with the others about what you said, and how you came accross. I happen to be a bisexual, and I hate having to take attacks from both straight and gay people just because I'm not 100% in either camp. For the record, I do consider myself an activist; I go to rallys and I'm a part of my university's College Democrats, so I spend plenty of time at my capitol city surrounded by the political process. I'm as involved as anyone I know when it comes to gay rights and liberties.

Aside from that, I've had to come out to my family and I dealt with the same issues most homosexuals face...I almost got kicked out of my house, my father told me that my "lifestyle" was against his religion, my mother told me not to "rub off on my younger siblings," etc etc. It's been a tough road for me as well and I don't think it's fair for you, or anyone else to say that I didn't pay my dues or some bs like that.

As you said, the life a homosexual person lives can be quite difficult at times and the battles seem to never end. So why try to isolate yourself from others who have similar experiences as you? Bisexuals are a part of the LGBT community, and we're all in the same boat here. Why fight these battles separately when we'd be much more effective working together?