communication while dating

[Redabc123]

So me and my guy have only been official for 2 weeks but dating for 3 months. I like him a lot we have a lot of fun together but every time I don't hear from him I want to and see myself getting frustrated when I don't. For example he used to always say good morning as we were dating it would die down and pick up. this week he has been really initiating texting. Should I be hearing from him more now that were a couple? I haven't had a boyfriend in years so its almost like I forgot how to behave. I don't over text or whine but its kind of bothering me that we aren't bonding more. Also, we never talk on the phone everything is through text. At first it was fine because Im not a phone person but since we only see each other once or twice a week Id like him to start talking on the phone but don't know really how to bring it up. I want this to work so really trying to control myself but communication is big for me and I already see a lack of it. Any advice or pointers would be great. Thank you in advance you guys are always such a big help

[Batya33]

I don't think people can bond more through texting but they risk having unnecessary disagreements. If you want to talk more on the phone, then call him at a time you think is convenient for him, ask him if it is, and then if it is, talk. I would not call him or expect him to call you under any circumstances if this is about your need for reassurance. That's annoying IMO. Nothing wrong with feeling frustrated just don't react by taking it out on him or acting clingy.

 

If communication is big for you then communicate with him in a way that works for both of you- not just you. And figure out exactly what you mean by communicate -do you mean to talk more about your feelings for each other? To share jokes or anecdotes? To share what's going on that's bothering you? Be very specific with yourself and never tell him "we need to communicate more -that's far too vague and he deserves to know specifically what you mean.

 

What worked for us as a couple when we were long distance or weren't together was to talk once a day for 20-40 minutes usually, at the end of the day. We both loved talking on the phone and talking to each other. We never texted but we emailed some during the day -usually fun/funny stuff. In 3 years of dating I felt insecure about his feelings for me /interest in the relationship for 6 hours on one particular day when he was MIA and I didn't know why (and I assumed he was safe and all). It was a really strange feeling, my concerns were unfounded, and it didn't happen again as far as I can remember.

[Redabc123]

Thank you for the reply, I guess when I say communicate I want hear his voice, know how is day was. I don't know if we should be talking about our relationship since it just started but when we talk through text I can't read the emotions behind it. Sometimes he just stops texting and never responds which annoys me. I feel like if we have a conversation though phone Id be more satisfied. He has been married before so I don't understand why he isn't better at this. That might sound mean but since he has more experience than I do I assumed things like this would come easier. I have thought about calling first but I feel like Im always the first to do the big things ( have the "talk") shouldn't he want to call me? I don't want to always initiate I feel like he need to step it up and Im making it easy for him. Am I wrong?

[Batya33]

So if all you want to know is how his day was that could be done through text. Really ask yourself the tough question about whether the rest is your need for reassurance that he still wants to be in a relationship with you.

 

He might not like talking on the phone and if he doesn't you'll find out soon enough. Don't do all the calling but since you want to talk on the phone, call him.

 

As far as you initiating "the talk" I don't see that as you taking something on that he should have. You wanted to confirm where you stood -for you. He apparently knew where he stood so you didn't take anything on for him -just for you.

 

So, take steps to see how he reacts to phone conversations and take it from there.

[Redabc123]

So if all you want to know is how his day was that could be done through text. Really ask yourself the tough question about whether the rest is your need for reassurance that he still wants to be in a relationship with you.

 

He might not like talking on the phone and if he doesn't you'll find out soon enough. Don't do all the calling but since you want to talk on the phone, call him.

 

As far as you initiating "the talk" I don't see that as you taking something on that he should have. You wanted to confirm where you stood -for you. He apparently knew where he stood so you didn't take anything on for him -just for you.

 

So, take steps to see how he reacts to phone conversations and take it from there.

 

I asked him in the beginning of our dating if he liked talking on the phone and he said he has never been much of a phone person. But he talks to his ex on the phone. Thats true sometimes I do need reassurance Im more of a talker and his laid back. But it is nice to hear "I'm thinking of you" just because. How often should I be talking to him?

[Batya33]

He talks to his ex on the phone now? Why? And why do you know that?

 

There are no "shoulds". There's a big upside to not texting/talking on the phone between dates - you get to miss each other and have lots to talk about in person.

[Redabc123]

He talks to his ex on the phone now? Why? And why do you know that?

 

There are no "shoulds". There's a big upside to not texting/talking on the phone between dates - you get to miss each other and have lots to talk about in person.

 

They have kids together but I guess there friends too. I have been with him the when she has called before. So I shouldn't worry if I don't hear from him everyday? How do I know if he has lost interest?

[Batya33]

So here's the thing. If you believe that you have to hear from him to know that he is still interested in dating you (and remember, he believes you two are exclusive, right?) then that is your issue to resolve or it means it's the wrong relationship for you. It's basic object constancy - you have to feel deep down that the person cares about you whether or not you hear from the person daily, or every other day, or only once or twice a week on dates. If you don't have that sense of security then everything he says and does will be through the lens of insecurity and that starts to smell bad because your reactions, body language, energy, what you joke about will reflect that even unintentionally.

 

If he makes a plan with you and doesn't show up or starts thoughtlessly canceling plans then bring up that issue -that specific issue. Or if something important happens to you and he doesn't seem to care when you share it with him (as long as you're not sharing it to test his level of interest in you) then bring up that specific thing.

 

Of course he talks to his ex on the phone -she probably prefers it and she is the mother of his children so he is smart to keep the peace.

[Redabc123]

So basically its just me lol I will try and control myself. I wish I didn't want to talk to him all the time. We agreed that we are together so I guess I just have to have more confidence in myself.

[mhowe]

Find other people to talk to! For the first 3 years my bf and I had sort of "set" date nights we knew we would see each other. We are neither big phone or text people. We each have our lives and social circles and there wasn't then a huge over lap.

 

You are trying to act like you are married. There is no NEED for daily communications. Try filling up your life so that this budding romance is not your sole focus.

[Batya33]

So basically its just me lol I will try and control myself. I wish I didn't want to talk to him all the time. We agreed that we are together so I guess I just have to have more confidence in myself.

 

Wanting whatever you want is fine. Acting on it especially if it means you try to get a non-phone person to check in daily by phone is poor communication which goes against your goal of healthy communication. Once again it sounds like you want to talk to him for reassurance first and secondarily because you care how he is doing at the moment.

[Ronniesgirl]

'There is no NEED for daily communications'

 

There is - in OP's case. When my partner and I were dating I certainly wanted to hear from him at least once a day - be it text, call or email. Call, preferably.

 

OP, do I remember correctly that you were sort of on the verge of a break up and then he came back and it became official? Is this why you're so insecure and scared that he's loosing interest when he doesn't contact you?

[Batya33]

Yes, I agree it should be what the person wants but I would be careful if I were the OP to focus on "I am all about healthy communication" if the real motive is "I am all about hearing from him so that I am reassured he is still interested". That's not about healthy communication.

[Redabc123]

Yes, I agree it should be what the person wants but I would be careful if I were the OP to focus on "I am all about healthy communication" if the real motive is "I am all about hearing from him so that I am reassured he is still interested". That's not about healthy communication.

 

Last night is perfect example of why the communication is poor, here is what happened: He was supposed to have a retirement party after work and wasn't sure if we could hang out because it might run late and he still hadn't packed for his trip, but he did want hang out according to him. After work I texted him that I hope he has fun at his party and to keep me updated about tonight if he still had time to hang out. He texted back that he had the dates mixed up and that the party is next week and he would be going to have dinner with his dad at 5:30 and would text me when he was done ( He has dinner with his dad every Thursday and he lives with him) I assumed he still wanted to hang out when he said he would text me later. 8:30 rolls around I get a text that he just finished dinner, that he was going home to pack and he was really tired. I was pretty disappointed I felt like he didn't want to see me at all which hurt my feelings. He doesnt know this. I woke up still pretty upset and now not sure how confident I should be. This all could have probably been fixed with better communication right?

[mhowe]

You assumed...is the issue here. If he had been at the party, he might have stopped by. If his habit is to have dinner and go home with dad...that's his habit and he had yet to pack.

 

You are making this about his feelings for you. It isn't. He kept in touch as he said he was. I get you are disappointed but he didn't do anything wrong.

[Redabc123]

You assumed...is the issue here. If he had been at the party, he might have stopped by. If his habit is to have dinner and go home with dad...that's his habit and he had yet to pack.

 

You are making this about his feelings for you. It isn't. He kept in touch as he said he was. I get you are disappointed but he didn't do anything wrong.

 

I just felt like if he really wanted to see me he would have made the effort. There have been times we have seen each other the days he has dinner with his dad. He is leaving today to go on a weekend trip I thought that would have been more reason for him to want to see me. Is that selfish We live about 40 min away from each other and don't see each other a lot.

[mhowe]

Yes it is selfish. He had dinner place s and to see you even for a short while would take more than 1.5 hrs of driving when he already said be was tired and needed to pack. If you wanted to see him, why didn't you drive to his house?

 

When someone has a full schedule...driving 1.5 hrs for a short visit is expecting a lot. You don't were each other a lot? It sou D's lime you manage 2x week. Again...you seem to feel that this relationship should be the sole focus of his life. As it is yours. To him it is a wonderful addition.

[Redabc123]

Yes it is selfish. He had dinner place s and to see you even for a short while would take more than 1.5 hrs of driving when he already said be was tired and needed to pack. If you wanted to see him, why didn't you drive to his house?

 

When someone has a full schedule...driving 1.5 hrs for a short visit is expecting a lot. You don't were each other a lot? It sou D's lime you manage 2x week. Again...you seem to feel that this relationship should be the sole focus of his life. As it is yours. To him it is a wonderful addition.

 

I was supposed to drive to see him, so he wouldn't have had to drive. I told him this when we first talked about it. We see each other once a week. I don't think I should be the sole focus but if we agreed to be a couple I feel that effort and communication isn't asking for a lot. He doesn't know I feel like this, which is why I'm posting here to see what to do

[mhowe]

He communicated with you....responsed to your calls and texts. Kept you apprised. He was leaving to go out of town today...tired and yet to pack. Not his normal Thurs night.

 

So....call or text him as he is out of town and you won't see him this weekend.

 

And remember... You having the "couple" title only changes things in your mind. He already considered you a couple before it was made official in your chat.

[Redabc123]

He communicated with you....responsed to your calls and texts. Kept you apprised. He was leaving to go out of town today...tired and yet to pack. Not his normal Thurs night.

 

So....call or text him as he is out of town and you won't see him this weekend.

 

And remember... You having the "couple" title only changes things in your mind. He already considered you a couple before it was made official in your chat.

 

I told him last night after he texted to text me when he is about to leave. I guess ill just leave it alone. I do hope in general communication get better i.e. talking on the phone ..etc. I'll let him enjoy his trip and no text as much

[Batya33]

I told him last night after he texted to text me when he is about to leave. I guess ill just leave it alone. I do hope in general communication get better i.e. talking on the phone ..etc. I'll let him enjoy his trip and no text as much

 

Why does he need to text you when he is about to leave? I agree with Mhowe on this particular situation. I think you start from the assumption that he is not as into you as you are into him and that he is not as interested in seeing you so you view his actions through your negative bias. If there is true imbalance here (not just in your head) then the "talk" about being a "couple" won't change that since he assumed that's where you were in your relationship beforehand.

[LoveSoDeep]

Wait....so he was out of town when this not texting for 3 hours occurred?

 

I get you'd be worried if that is unusual, but does he go out of town enough for you to know what is unusual for that situation? The guy I'm seeing goes out of town a LOT and I know his texting pattern won't be the same whiles he's out of town....depending on where he's gone to and who he's with it could be more or less than when he's at home.

[Ms Darcy]

Wow honey, what is all this?

 

Apparently slap on an exclusive title and you want a leash on this guy.

 

You have only been dating for a short while ... nowhere near commitment. Any whiff of insecurity can kill the relationship before it gets started.

 

Try to think of a communication pattern you would like to suggest and talk to him about it. See if you two can negotiate a compromise.

 

I notice that you assume because you want something that it's the right way. DON'T ASSUME. Every couple is different and makes their own rules.

[Redabc123]

Wait....so he was out of town when this not texting for 3 hours occurred?

 

I get you'd be worried if that is unusual, but does he go out of town enough for you to know what is unusual for that situation? The guy I'm seeing goes out of town a LOT and I know his texting pattern won't be the same whiles he's out of town....depending on where he's gone to and who he's with it could be more or less than when he's at home.

 

No this was the day before he left. I had just leave my phone at home and go do other things this weekend because I barely heard from him and I didn't want to be clingy waiting by the phone I hate that I want to hear from him all the time or that when I don't hear from him I think something is wrong or isn't interested. A few years ago I was never this insecure I hope it goes away soon.

[Redabc123]

Wow honey, what is all this?

 

Apparently slap on an exclusive title and you want a leash on this guy.

 

You have only been dating for a short while ... nowhere near commitment. Any whiff of insecurity can kill the relationship before it gets started.

 

Try to think of a communication pattern you would like to suggest and talk to him about it. See if you two can negotiate a compromise.

 

I notice that you assume because you want something that it's the right way. DON'T ASSUME. Every couple is different and makes their own rules.

 

I hate sounding like Im clingy. Thank goodness for the forum because I have to vent through hear or Id probably text him a lot. I didn't really hear from him this weekend which sucked but kept myself busy. I wish I didn't get worried every time I didn't hear from him and I hope this feeling passes. I never used to be this insecure. I guess I just want him to want to call me. Im scared to say anything in fear that I may come off clingy. Is this normal?