communication while dating

[mhowe]

Not really. Have you considered counseling --- to deal with your insecurity?

[Redabc123]

Not really. Have you considered counseling --- to deal with your insecurity?

 

No because my insecurity doesnt go past dating.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's a typical reaction in a relationship where the couple have decided to be exclusive -usually at that point there's very little insecurity about frequency of contact because the couple have an understanding that they are in a committed relationship. I can see insecurity before that if one person wants exclusivity and wonders if the other person is not in contact because he or she is out on dates or pursuing other women. What this tells me is that you don't trust that he is as interested in you as you are in him despite his telling you that he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you. Lack of trust is a fairly significant issue in a relationship.

 

I also am concerned, again, that you say you want healthy communication but it's not healthy to focus this much on whether the other person "wants" to be in touch with you. That has nothing to do with healthy communication or even communication -just with your need for reassurance.

 

I bet that if he called you every day and simply said "hi honey, I'm just checking in to tell you I love you and miss you and can't wait to see you" you wouldn't really care what the rest of the conversation was or whether it was "healthy". He could even leave that as a voicemail I bet and then call you to actually talk every few days or so and you'd be fine with it. Remind yourself that this need of yours has nothing to do with communication - and once you realize that (IMO) then you can get to the root of it.

 

To me the root of it is - do you trust that he is into you and wants to be with you? If not, why not and if not, then why are you with him?

[Redabc123]

Wow! your so right! I guess I don't trust that he does, but I don't know why

[Batya33]

Wow! your so right! I guess I don't trust that he does, but I don't know why

 

So there are two possible reasons. The first is that you know deep down he is not as into you as you are into him, even though he agreed to be exclusive. The second is he is that into you but you are so insecure that even if he called you three times a day you would look for reasons why he wasn't that into you. You need to figure out which. You could ask him but then you have to trust his answer and you did ask him in a way and he said yes you two are exclusive and he was enthusiastic about that, right? I'm not sure I would ask again (even in a different way) this soon after that first conversation.

 

If you determine that for whatever reason you do not trust him I would not date him seriously right now or have sex with him. If it's the first reason that's easier but if it's the second one then there's really no point in dating anyone right now if your goal is a long term relationship -because that requires being willing to trust.

 

For whatever it's worth I would not be comfortable not hearing at all from my boyfriend over an entire weekend unless he was working 24/7 or had a family crisis or similar. But that's just me and every situation is different. When are you supposed to see him again?

[Redabc123]

So there are two possible reasons. The first is that you know deep down he is not as into you as you are into him, even though he agreed to be exclusive. The second is he is that into you but you are so insecure that even if he called you three times a day you would look for reasons why he wasn't that into you. You need to figure out which. You could ask him but then you have to trust his answer and you did ask him in a way and he said yes you two are exclusive and he was enthusiastic about that, right? I'm not sure I would ask again (even in a different way) this soon after that first conversation.

 

If you determine that for whatever reason you do not trust him I would not date him seriously right now or have sex with him. If it's the first reason that's easier but if it's the second one then there's really no point in dating anyone right now if your goal is a long term relationship -because that requires being willing to trust.

 

For whatever it's worth I would not be comfortable not hearing at all from my boyfriend over an entire weekend unless he was working 24/7 or had a family crisis or similar. But that's just me and every situation is different. When are you supposed to see him again?[/QUOT

 

Oh wow thank you so much for this, I don't know him well enough to trust him. I thought at some point we would grow and want to talk more. He texted but it was one text a day and when I replied back I got no response it made me feel not wanted and lonely I didnt expect is to have this long conversation but I was hoping he was say he was thinking of me and missed me. Also when I was on IG I saw that his ex left a comment under his picture and she said " Wow glad your alive thanks for letting me know when you got there" why does she need to know that? He told me when he boarded and landed today and I was hoping that he would ask to see me this week but he didn't. I have initiated and the last 2 dates and would have liked for him to make the effort. Maybe it's just me but I'm not as excited as I once was I'm expecting it fail I don't want to put at more than him and at this point I feel like I am he is a nice guy I just want him to put forth more effort. It's hard to expect a lot since he has kids. I guess out of all this he isn't helping me to feel secure. We hadn't made plans to see each other

[Batya33]

It's not his job to help you feel secure -that's all on you. You can feel secure within a relationship based on the other person's actions/reactions but it's not his job in the least. You're supposed to be a reasonably secure person coming into the relationship.

 

When I talk about trust I mean do you trust that he means what he says about his commitment to and interest in you. If you do not then I certainly wouldn't date him or have sex with him. I think it's fine that he texted once a day- that sounds pretty frequent actually. And it's texting so you can't expect him to get all gushy especially if he's away. He didn't "make you feel" anything -once again, remind yourself that you choose your reaction to his behavior. Some women would have been over the moon to hear from their boyfriends that often!

 

I agree he needs to initiate the next date. How long has his divorce been final? Why are you monitoring him on line? You have no idea why he checks in with his ex but I bet it has to do with him being the father of the children.

 

I would back off for now, see if he makes a plan to see you. If he doesn't try to see you this week (meaning by the weekend) then I think those actions would be consistent with him not being that serious about you. (Unless of course he has a family or work crisis or he is sick, etc).

[Redabc123]

I'm not monitoring him when the picture came in my news feeds I saw the comment. After he told me landed I texted him and told him to call or text when he has free time because I wanted to hear about his trip and he never did. My feelings are really hurt he is just not putting any effort. I spent the pretty upset. He hasn't planned to see me or even asked how my weekend was. What do you think I should do because it doesnt seem like he is into me.

[Batya33]

monitoring means you not only read the post but analyzed what it might mean and what it might have to do with you.

 

I would not text him to "call me and tell me about your trip" since you already instructed him to text you when he landed (I think) and why not let a person share about his trip when he feels like it and in the way he feels like it?

 

I do not agree he's putting in no effort just not enough in your opinion for a serious relationship. He just got back so if he doesn't get in touch by tomorrow to make a plan for the weekend I would do nothing and simply make other plans and live your life - silence will be the answer that right now he's not that into seeing you. If you don't hear from him all this coming weekend then if you need more closure than his silence simply text him in a simple, non-confrontational way and ask if he'd like to talk or you will assume he's no longer interested. That would be my standard (unless again he is in a crisis or emergency right now).

 

I think he may have felt a bit suffocated with the mommy-like instructions as to when he needed to text you while he was away and then your request that he text you again about his trip (and again it's obvious that it's not so much his trip you care about -you just want reassurance -and my guess is he can sense that). Give him space right now.

[Redabc123]

I just recently went on a trip and he asked me text when I got there and landed as well. I was just making sure he was safe and I wanted to know about his trip because I hadn't talked to him all weekend. I know I won't see him this weekend because he has his kids. We usually see each other Tuesday or Thursdays and since I haven't heard from him I don't think we will be seeing each other today and he has an event on Thursday so that is the entire week. That is what I meant by effort if he really wanted to see me he would have made plans yesterday. I don't think he is that interested. I don't think me asking him to call so I can hear about his trip was bad, I generally wanted to talk to him. Im not clingy with him I barely contact him so he felt like he that was mommy like rather than me being caring then thats sad. This really sucks because I feel like he is pushing me away and I haven't done anything wrong

[Batya33]

Sexist alert - a man asking a woman to text about her safety is far more typical and I see how you thought you were just reciprocating.

 

If he's made no attempt to see you this week and was away this past weekend I agree that's not a positive sign. Perhaps his Thursday event was canceled so he'll ask you to get together Thursday.