Why do I want her back?

[neverknowwhy]

Some of you may remember me and my situation, but for those who don’t, here’s how it went between me and her.

 

She lives in New York. I live 1000 miles south. We’re in our early twenties. She’s the first girl I’ve ever cared about.

 

But…

 

She thought that I was never going to come up there and she didn’t want to get attached with me being so far away. She also likely found some guy she was interested in before tossing me. I don’t know this at this point.

 

She’s barely talking to me and is showing emotional distance. She posts an Instagram picture with a quote stating that all her heart/body wants is to be with someone. It wasn’t about me, but someone before me. I know this for sure.

 

I confront it and she hurts me. She says that she’s bored with me, unfulfilled, doesn’t envy my personality, and that we don’t belong. She didn’t want me to come up there to find that out.

 

I go no contact. She contacts me four separate times (Day 5, 6, 7). I ignore them all.

 

I look at her Instagram two weeks later. She went on a date with someone on Valentine ’s Day and posted a picture of her holding hands with him. I continue with no contact and don’t look at her social media.

 

She sends a message, day 24 of no contact. “I need to talk to you.” I ask her what she wants to talk about and she messages me twelve hours later stating that she misses me and I know so much about her and that she doesn’t want to lose me and that she wants to talk again. I don’t respond. She calls me two times a day later at 3 in the morning. She calls me an assh*le for not answering and letting her go. I was sleeping. She messages me one more time saying, “Oh right… you’re going to ignore me.”

 

I reply back and tell her we can talk on the phone. We do. It was weird, I was sadder than she was. She didn’t sound remorseful. She was happy and laughing. She tells me (probably lied) about the guy she dated and said that he was the one that wanted the relationship and she didn’t. They became friends. This is why I think she contacted me again. It didn’t work out with the new guy.

 

We talk for about a week after that. A few texts here and there, nothing close to how it was before. She goes out drinking at parties and clubs every night instead of talking to me. She didn’t do that before. I tell her I want to make plans to see her. She doesn’t seem interested in the idea. I pushed and she withdrew. I gave up all of my power. She says more hurtful things. She tells me, “PLS don’t ask me any more stupid sh*t.” I say bye. (Now I have a feeling that she just didn’t want me to be mad at her so she could move on. By continuing talking to her, I likely relieved her of her guilt. My mistake and a huge regret.)

 

It’s been around 40 days since that has happened. Not a word has been said since from her or by me. I haven’t looked at her social media. I deleted her texts. But I’m not over her.

 

I think about her all day no matter what I do. Every song I like reminds me of her. Girls I see remind me of her. She’s the first and last thing on my mind every day.

 

The thing is, it’s my dream and plan to move to New York by the end of the year, hopefully by the end of summer. But I’m 5-6 months away from that even being a possibility . But if I do go there, I think I’d like to see her and it would be different because we could be together. There wouldn't be the physical distance that led to the emotional distance. l I often wonder what she would do if I texted her, “I’m in New York if you want to see me.” But that’s 5-6 months down the road. I probably will be over her before that, hopefully some time soon. But as of right now, I don't think badly of her at all. I only remember the good times and I hope she's doing well.

 

Now if I looked at her Instagram, what would I see? I can almost guarantee I’d see a few pictures with a new guy or the same guy she dated after she ended it with me. I can almost guarantee that she’s over me. She probably barely thinks of me, if she does at all. She treated me like trash toward the end.

 

So why do I want her back?

[relevart]

So why do I want her back?

I think it's common to want the ex back if they are the one to leave. Sometimes it's true, authentic feelings. Maybe it is in your case. But sometimes we have the artificial notion that because they were the first person we loved, that they should automatically be The One. It's actually pretty rare when this happens.

 

Another reason some want their ex back is they want to prove to that person they were wrong for leaving. Now I'm not saying at all that they don't love their ex and that this is the only reason they want them back. But to be told we aren't loved anymore by our ex hurts. And one way our mind tells us we can fix it is to get the person back. As if it suddenly changes everything.

 

Sometimes there are far more unhealthy reasons -- and not saying those reasons above are entirely healthy -- such as the ex has been abusive and hurtful and made us think the only way we can be happy is to be with them. And, by the way, sorry. I'm leaving.

 

All you can do is try to move on. Find some happiness for you one day at a time. Stop dwelling on her. Who cares if she's happy or unhappy? Just live your life for you.

[goddess]

I agree with relevart's reasons. I also believe that it's human nature to want to go back to something that is familiar to us, even if we know it's not good for us. It's safe; taking chances is scary at times.

 

You are going through a 'grieving' period, if you will. You need to pick yourself up off the ground and move on. Realise that she is playing stupid and hurtful games with you. Don't give her the time of day, dude. She is too busy having fun and being self-centered. There are plenty of very nice girls out there who know how to treat a man with respect. What you are feeling is normal; it is a loss but, with time, you will get over it.

 

Take off your rose-coloured glasses and see her for what she is. You will see her true colours. She was very hurtful and rude to you (she told you that she's bored with you, unfulfilled, etc). You don't need someone like her in your life.

 

Best of luck to you in NYC. You will love it!!

[neverknowwhy]

 

Take off your rose-coloured glasses and see her for what she is. You will see her true colours. She was very hurtful and rude to you (she told you that she's bored with you, unfulfilled, etc). You don't need someone like her in your life.

 

Best of luck to you in NYC. You will love it!!

 

I try and remind myself of this. She was hurtful and rude to me. And not just on one occasion. But then I remember that she also made me feel amazing, wanted, appreciated. The things she said to me that I have saved... that's what makes me miss her. I miss who I thought she was. But that was the past and her feelings changed and she got rid of me. Everyone can see who she is. Yet I can't accept that for some reason.

 

But you're right. There are so many girls out there who aren't so self-involved and they will be better than her.

 

 

And as for NYC, I hope it happens. It's my dream right now. Thank you!

[chamachama]

The things she said to me that I have saved... that's what makes me miss her.

 

That's what not only makes you want her back, its also what keeps you in perpetual denial. You have to delete that stuff and her connection to you on social media in order to finally start healing for real.

 

This girl was not only forthright in telling you straight up that she didn't want you anymore... she also told you not to come up to NY and she has been very flagrant and in yours and everyone else's face about being with other men. And when I say being I mean dating and screwing.

 

She is GONE man. Like stick a fork in this already.... its done. Stop rationalizing that she only stopped things with you because of the distance. That wasn't it and you know it. She might have said that at a weak point, but she also told you that she was bored with you, that you don't fulfill her, that your personality isn't what she envy's (hurtful B***h), and that she is not drawn to you. She explained in detail that you don't belong with her.

 

And you know what? She is right. You are so far beyond her immature, classless, fake, un-cool, and disrespectful arse....its not even funny. You're simply too good for her. She treats you like what SHE really is.... garbage.

 

If you go to NYC to see her, you will be not only hurting big time... but you will feel like absolute dog S*** because she will NOT be good to you and you know that too.

 

Once someone disrespects you like she did, there is only one thing to do.. DELETE EVERYTHING. Like she never even existed.

[neverknowwhy]

This is what I needed. I know you've been helping out a lot over the past months and saying pretty much the same things every time I reach out to you. But I needed to hear this. I'm sorry it's taking me so long to listen. But like you told me, when someone disrespects you, move on. As my gym friend who's been helping me out says, "Strike one, you're out."

 

If I do go to NYC, it's going to be solely for me. And by the time I have the means to get there, I'll probably question what I even saw her.

 

Thank you.

 

 

 

And you know what the funny thing is? She told me she didn't deserve me. She also said that she feared that one day I'll wake up and realize she's not good for me.

 

I should have listened.

[goddess]

I completely understand how you feel and it makes sense. We do have a tendency to hold on to the good memories. It's like when someone dies. We think about all the positive attibutes of that person, rarely about the bad qualities, right?

 

I did the same thing many years ago. In order to get rid of the feelings, I concentrated on the bad memories which served to remind me of the reality of the situation. I think that is what is happening to you. With the passage of time, you will miss her less and less. You'll be able to think clearly and move on. Don't be too hard on yourself. I think it's all part of the healing process.

 

I do hope your dream comes true. All the best to you!