Ultra-narrow-minded girlfriend

[hooodoo]

Hello.

 

I have a sad problem. I am together with my girlfriend for more than a year now, and I really love her. Of course I have some flaws and of course she has some flaws, but this one just seems to much for me to endure. I think she is really really narrow minded, in other words, kind of stupid. I am 19 and she is 18, but she has a mindset of a 14 year old (not in all cases though). During arguments, she can never come up with a proper solution, I always have to advice her.

 

Anyway, a recent conversation with her stroke me hard. I found out she doesn't know the absolute basics of history. She doesn't know what 4. of May is (every Latvian knows it, in 1990. 4. may Latvia got independence from USSR). I am a member of a political party, know quite a lot about history, but the person near me has darker knowledge than a dog. Also, she thought WW2 happened before 30 years, has no idea, what "barricades" mean to Latvians, and doesn't know a LOT of things. However, she studies a lot. She does it very much actually, but nothing just seems to hold in her head.

 

So, when I found it out 3 days ago in the evening, I just got shocked and upset, so I went to sleep. I am upset till today. In the Morning I was in her house, she again said sorry a few times and went back watching some tv series. In her place I would have probably read 2 history books already and give a speech about what have I learned and how sorry I am. The thing is - I see she is ashamed and really wants us to be OK again, but all she does is say sorry. She can't come up with nothing else. Nothing. And that makes me really sad.

 

I love here, but I want the person I want to marry and have children with to be with an IQ higher than a potato. I'm not saying I am very intelligent, but I just cant respect her because of things like this, and respect is mandatory in healthy relationships. I would like to have power to leave her, but I'm scared of being alone, and I still love her; although, I understand, that I will probably find a person that will pull me up rather than pull me down.

 

I hope you get what I mean.

Thank you already for your responses, have a great day!

Ray

[Batya33]

Yes, respect is as essential and sometimes more so than love. It does depend how you define intelligence. It sounds like she is happy in her own smaller world, not following current events or caring about the larger world outside. I'm not sure it's a sign of IQ or not -are you? Why should she prove to you what history/facts she knows? Why should you give her unsolicited "advice" on how to resolve a debate or argument?

 

It is not fair to either of you to stay if you don't respect her or find her intelligent enough but you are not her parent and you absolutely shouldn't lecture her or try to make her feel ashamed of what you think she should know.

[tizik]

I don't think you can love someone and think that they are stupid at the same time.

 

You should reassess what you think love is and what you think you are looking for.

[Jewels7]

Holy moly. I feel bad for her. It sounds like you probably make herself feel like crap about herself. You expect her to say she's sorry when she doesn't know something? I think you need to let her go so she can find someone else. You don't respect her. You can't love someone but not respect her.

[hooodoo]

Batya33, Thank you for your reply. I already predicted this would cause a lot of confusion, because as we know the devil is in the details, and unfortunately I cannot state all the details here.

Those are not just facts. She thinks of herself as a patriot, but doesn't know what 4 of May is. Her father was one of the people in parliament in 1990, and he voted for free Latvia, but she, his daughter, doesn't have a clue about that day. That is not just fact, believe me, everyone here knows what that date means, it's even a holiday!

About the advice - if I'm angry about something, she just doesn't do nothing. All she can say is "sorry". As you may know, there are billions of different reasons for arguments and, I believe, all of them can be solved with more than a sorry. In this case - she could learn some basic history, show me that and say that she is sorry for not knowing something like that or whatever. If I would not given her any advice about the arguments, I doubt that she would even say that one word "sorry", she would just act without talking to me for years.

 

I would love to respect her, but besides her lack of knowledge in so many fields, she also doesn't do anything outside school (no hobbies), has no opinion on serious or philosophical subjects; however, she can watch series or sit in bed all day browsing internet. It is disappointing, because there is also so much I love about her, I can barely imagine my life without her.

[Willywagtail]

Oh dear. So she doesn't know historical stuff that is important to you.

 

Hey, I bet you don't know a heap of stuff that's important to her. Like being respectful, not being a douche about historical stuff and not calling people potato heads.

 

You, dear sir, are the potato head. If historical knowledge and accuracy is an important trait for you in a relationship, perhaps you'd better find yourself another GF. oh, I forgot. You don't want to be alone. Probably because other women might think you're a potato head.

[hooodoo]

Oh dear. So she doesn't know historical stuff that is important to you.

 

Hey, I bet you don't know a heap of stuff that's important to her. Like being respectful, not being a douche about historical stuff and not calling people potato heads.

 

You, dear sir, are the potato head. If historical knowledge and accuracy is an important trait for you in a relationship, perhaps you'd better find yourself another GF. oh, I forgot. You don't want to be alone. Probably because other women might think you're a potato head.

 

Thank you for your reply. However, if you would read more carefully, 4 of May is something that everyone knows, it is a holiday here too. And if you think it is acceptable that she think WW2 was before 30 years, maybe you are either from very different culture level or just from USA.

[hooodoo]

I don't think you can love someone and think that they are stupid at the same time.

 

You should reassess what you think love is and what you think you are looking for.

 

No, I love her, believe me. Otherwise I wouldn't be trying to explain this situation here.

[mhowe]

Wow. When she doesn't know something you deem important she should run out and learn about it in order to please you?

 

My guess is she is your first gf and very pretty. Sorry...that is the package. I am sure she is lovely and has her own interests...they simply bore you.

 

Go find a history major.

[hooodoo]

Holy moly. I feel bad for her. It sounds like you probably make herself feel like crap about herself. You expect her to say she's sorry when she doesn't know something? I think you need to let her go so she can find someone else. You don't respect her. You can't love someone but not respect her.

 

Thanks for your "kind" reply. If all of you could analyze this situation objectively and give any valid replies like "She's just 18, maybe after 2 years she will me smarter than you", that would be great.

[Cadence44]

Do you want a girlfriend or a daughter? Your view of her and the way you treat her is the latter.

 

Maybe it's impossible to have a relationship of equals with this particular woman. If so, let her go and find someone appropriate for you.

[chickadeedee]

>>I want to marry and have children with to be with an IQ higher than a potato.

 

Well, you've answered your own question then. If you truly think this is a lack of intelligence as opposed to lack of actually studying and paying attention, then you should end this now and find someone you consider more equal.

 

btw, i'd have a very high IQ but would be considered an idiot on the subject of sports news because i am not interested in sports games, don't watch them, don't keep up with anything to do with sports at all because they bore me. Perhaps she is just not interested in politics. If you are really into politics, and she isn't, then that could be another mismatch and reason to let go and move on.

 

You can't label someone as stupid just because they are not interested in the same things you are or pay attention to them. But if she genuinely has subpar intelligence, it will show up in every area and not just in some areas. She could be someone who is uninterested in current events and bored by history and politics. There are actually a lot of people like that.

[hooodoo]

Wow. When she doesn't know something you deem important she should run out and learn about it in order to please you?

 

My guess is she is your first gf and very pretty. Sorry...that is the package. I am sure she is lovely and has her own interests...they simply bore you.

 

Go find a history major.

 

Nope, she is my 4th, but the 1st I really love from the second I met her.

She has no interests besides tv series or maybe drawing, which she does once a month (and I encourage to do that very much). I also try showing her different knew hobbies like mountain climbing, swimming, snowboarding and others. You think I don't know her? Guys, how don't you understand, I don't want her to be smart in history, I just want her to know the very basics. Not knowing that date here is like not knowing Christmas. And that is not all I argue about - please try to understand. If that would be all the problem that she wouldnt know the date, I wouldnt care so much, but that was just an example to show that she is generally very narrow minded, often making me

[Willywagtail]

Thank you for your reply. However, if you would read more carefully, 4 of May is something that everyone knows, it is a holiday here too. And if you think it is acceptable that she think WW2 was before 30 years, maybe you are either from very different culture level or just from USA.

 

You see? You're being a douche to me now as well. And making assumptions about my education and knowledge ...

 

I'm from Australia and we don't celebrate 4 May, and WW2 finished in 1945.

By my calculations that's more than 30 years ago, so your GF is right, it was before 30 years.

 

The real issue here is you, not your GF. that's why people are being unkind to you.

[mhowe]

What is it that you like about her?

[hooodoo]

I guess I didn't explain my self clear enough. That particular date is know in here as much a Christmas, it's a holiday. Her father was one of 300 people that made it happen, which is even more strange. But that is not the thing! I'm not arguing just about simple history, but everything. Often I find myself thinking - how is that possible that a 18 year old knows so much or is that narrow minded. She is far below average of the people I usually talk to (and not in history, but in everything). It just bothers me, because I feel like she is dragging me down with not knowing and not doing anything. I would just be much more happy with a female partner to whom I could not only share something, but receive something back as well.

[mhowe]

Then go find that partner. Because she is never going to be that partner.

[hooodoo]

What is it that you like about her?

 

She is very nice. She is is warm-hearted and she cares about people and animals. She is very positive, also she is so very soft and warm to me. If I cry - she cries. She would probably also go to hell with me if necessary. She would make a great mother and a great wife. She is loyal (I at least hope so) and so am I, because I don't ever wanna hurt her, nor I want to trade her with anyone else. And she at least tries very hard not to hurt me. She loves me very much.

[hooodoo]

Then go find that partner. Because she is never going to be that partner.

 

Why do you think so?

[mhowe]

Because you don't respect her and thin she has the IQ of a rock.

 

She is pretty and loving. And, in your eyes....shallow and narrow minded.

 

If fact, is is a lovely young girl who doesn't share your interests.

[stuka80]

Dude, stop trying to make her feel bad over things that are not important to her. Being ignorant of something doesn't mean she's stupid, you need to get off your high horse and realize not everyone cares about the things you care about. She seems like a sweet girl and even apologizes to you. She's caring and has a kind heart, that's a great basis for an ideal partner and a human being and yet you somehow feel that she's an idiot because she doesn't know certain things. i feel really bad for her actually, she deserves better.

[Jewels7]

No one is trying to be unkind to you, and believe me... I think we are all looking at this objectively. I just couldn't imagine comparing someone I "love" to having an IQ of a rock. And hey... I graduated Summa Cum Laude with my Bachelor's degree. But guess what? I suck at history and politics. Doesn't mean I have a low IQ. That's just not my area of expertise. I wasn't trying to be unkind to you, I just think you sound kind of mean. I don't think she's the girl for you. AT ALL. She sounds like a sweetheart though so I hope she finds someone that can respect her and love her for her faults as well as her good traits.

[JA0371]

Your gf is 18 years old. What is it you expect her to know exactly? I can Google anything today and sound smarter than I truly am...your gf isn't interested in sitting around and reading history books. At her age she's likely into much less serious subjects. At 18 she's an adult, but in the scheme of life, she's a baby. Not sure why this is bugging you so much. Her lack of knowing something that happened 30 years ago seems a little petty.....but you must have your reasons.

 

That said...try focusing on her good qualities. Is she a good person? Kind? Caring? Does she make you happy?? These are much more important things to consider than someone's IQ. Heck...even Forrest Gump knows that.

[1Love1]

It's interesting how many times you mention the fact that she is "narrow minded" when in fact, the only person coming accross that way is you. She has nothing to be sorry for. She does not need to say sorry, let alone go out and read a book for you. I'm sure she would love for you to read a book on basic human interactions when you make her feel small, but does she get mad when you don't? No.

 

By the way, staying with someone simply because you're afraid to be alone is more immature than lack of knowledge. You do not love her. If you did, then her flaws would be something you accept. Not something you look to the drawing board to figure out a way to change. Grow up and break up with her so she can find out what a healthy, loving relationship actually is. You don't see yourself marrying her (and you shouldn't because she deserves better), so why should she be belittled longer than she has to?

[Hollyj]

Holy moly. I feel bad for her. It sounds like you probably make herself feel like crap about herself. You expect her to say she's sorry when she doesn't know something? I think you need to let her go so she can find someone else. You don't respect her. You can't love someone but not respect her.

 

You sound like a big bully!!! You probably chose her so you could feel superior.

 

Do her a favor and end the relationship. She deserves someone who is kind, loving and respectful. This is not you. You are abusive.