Guys and Girls, your advice would be appreciated

[danimal77]

I will NOT go into any real details concerning the break up(s), between my ex and myself. What I will say, is that my ex were on and off for over 2 years. From October 2002, until September 2004, we experienced heaven and hell together. It was her who was the one who would end things between the two of us, for various reasons. I did help contribute to her doing this, but she also had her own issues. I know this now.

 

In any case, from October until December of 2004, we tried something we never tried before, which was an attempt at being friends, but she was not willing to give it her all, as was the case in the relationship towards the end. I was not a patient and understanding man, but nevertheless, I was a good guy, who was apologetic and open and flexible. She was not. She had too much anger and was not over me, in the way she needed to be.

 

Okay, it all culminated in December, where she put an end to the so called friendship as well. She seemed to want to move on, yet was conflicted, and I couldn't take it anymore either, the way things were going, even though I still deeply cared for, if not loved her.

 

NOW, as it were, she had given me some money while we were (the beginning of our relationship). When we were doing the friendship tip, I started to pay her back monthly and when she said, no more to friendship, I told her I will still pay her back.

 

It's been over a month since any contact has been made. The last time I saw her was December 16, where I gave her some money and I attempted to make some contact a few days after that, but she never reciprocated. Now that there has been a significant time that has elepsed, I have made some huge changes in my life (promotion at work, new appartment, new cell phone, new wardrobe, joined a gym, lost 15-20 pounds and am much more confident), however, I still miss her on a daily basis and would like to start paying her again, but would like to give her the money in person and not send a check. Yes, it is an excuse to see her, but I just want to know how I could go about doing this, without putting her on defense. Do I call? Do I send her an email, or do I just send her a check with no fanfare. I want her to know ahout all the changes in my life and see them for herself. I just don't want to be rejected again.

 

Eyeofthetiger

[shockeddismayed]

Hey Dan,

 

I remember all of your posts... the tough times you went through with your EXGF. You two have SOOOOO much history together.

 

But it seems that everytime you are both in a spot where you could heal.... fix things... and then *potentially* meet back up in the future, you both ending up rushing things.... imploding, and no progress is made.

 

I think if you remind yourself of this, you'll be forced to agree with me.

 

You last saw her only a month ago.... Why not cut each other some slack and give her the space to grow that she needs.... you've never allowed her that (to my memory).

 

Recovering is more than just a new cellphone and wardrobe.... more than just that small amount of space required to catch your breath. It takes months... it takes giving up, moving on, forgiving yourself, forgiving her, realizing you might never meet again... and then *sometimes* starting contact again after months of recovery.

 

Why not maximize your chances... let her recover for a little while longer.... continue to send your cheques to her... she won't forget who you are and what you mean to her.... perhaps when you get to the final cheque it could be a good time to deliver it in person.

 

If she moves on without you, it was never meant to be. But if she can't, she has your address (on the cheques) and can always contact you when she is ready.

 

Food for thought.

 

PS: If you are still adamant to make contact and won't listen to the advice above, at least send an email that says "I have your cheque, would you like me to deliver it or mail it?" At least that gives her the option (but I still think you should give her a few months of down-time).

[QTpie87]

maybe you could call her up and see if she would want to get together to get the money and if she could just have a lets catch up night.???

it would work for me if a guy did that, maybe it'll work on her.

[CarterJonas]

You'r situation remindes me soo much of mine with the ex. girlfriend. She finished with me but around three months earlier I had lent her over $1,000 to go on holiday. Even though she broke up with me I told her to pay it back to me when she had the means; I knew she wasn't flushed with money at the time.

 

Anyway three or maybe four months passed and I didn't hear a word from her. Then I found an envelope through my letterbox, she had delivered it herself, but with my full name on the front of the envelope.....seemed so formal after all this time....and in it was the money she owed.

 

I guess this was the day that I knew that our relationship was truly over since she couldn't be asked to even give it to me in person. It did shock me at the time how she had totally changed and she definitely wasn't the person I had dated for six years.

 

Anyway I digress, from your post it seems like she want's the breakup but not you. I believe that you have to look after yourself and if it will make you feel better then go and deliver the money back to her yourself. She will at least then get the opportunity to see the new confident you; although this would be no guarentee that she would want you back.

 

Maybe a simple text message asking to meet up so you can give her the money will suffice; if you don't get a reply then you have no option but to post it through her letterbox and move on in life.

 

goodluck

[danimal77]

Thank you for the replies...

 

You all gave some solid advice. Shock and Dismayed, you truly do remember my situation and I guess in a way, I was kind of a leader around here for a while, wasn't I? I was the guy who never gave up and faced his fears in the eye and accomplised the impossible, more than once.

 

Well, I have changed my ways. I have humbled out in the last year, since my first post. I no longer use deceptive tricks anymore. I no longer check her emails. I no longer eat, breathe and sleep her. I have stepped off the curb and have crossed the street. If that makes any sense at all....haha.

 

Okay, I will have to refer back to shocked and dismayed's email again. You are 100% dead on. Her and I had been through A LOT together and we have so many memories and so there was so much hurt there, which I am sure she never deep down, meant to inflict upon me and the reverse holds true as well.

 

I still do love her and the more time that passes by and the stronger I become.....the more I become that man she always knew was truly there all along, but just too damn scared to be himself, well, the more I want her to see this and the more confident I know I would be around her and the calmer and less needy and desperate (emotiona) as well.

 

I am so conflicted here. Deep down, I know that it is because of this forced space, that I have grown stronger, and not because she is no longer in my life, but because I've chosen to live for me and put my head up high.

 

The facts are, I still do owe her a significant amount of money. It is money she will never ask for again. I know this as well. If I give her the money, it's because I want to do the right thing. The "manly" thing. The mature and responsible thing, but at the same time, I do miss her and would like to get to the point that we both can feel relaxed about meeting each other, so that I can hand her the money. That was is so thick, or at least it was. Time is always the key, to healing wounds and I have been taking my time this "time" around.

 

I would love for her to see my new appartment and know about my promotion at work. I could never even keep a damn job before and now I am moving my way up in the bank faster than I ever thought I would.

 

I want to reach out, but I know that I cannot be direct about it. I want it to be amicable. I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to be hurt either (there being another guy in her life), or being rejected again. I do know that the more time passes, the better chances we both have at healing....

[melrich]

No you should not place conditions on giving her back the money.

 

You are doing the right thing by paying her back...of course you have to. But if you make it a condition of the payback that she see you to receive the money then that is tantamount to blackmail.

 

I f she agrees that is fine but if she says no then you should continue to pay back by depositing in her account or whatever.

 

It seems to me that she has made it pretty clear by not contacting you or reciprocationg that she wants to move on. Don't make it any harder for her than it probably already is. In fact to be honest I don't think it is even really fair that you ask to see her to pay the money back. It puts her in a very awkward position. Plus you'll know the only reason she is seeing you is to get the money back.

[danimal77]

Richgabe,

 

I think you misunderstood my intentions here. I never said that if she did not want to meet in person, so that I can give her money that was given and NOT lent to me, while we were going out, then I would not give it to her at all. I WILL give her the money regradless.

 

Truly, you do not know the full extent of my situation at all, unless you have read all my posts. This is why I said I am not going to go into detail. My ex was very upset and mad a month ago and she had legitimate reason in being so, as did (do) I now and this is why she did not reciprocate. She was conflicted and the way I was acting was not helping her state at all. Is it really fair to say that the only reason she would agree to see me, is so that she can get her money back? How do you know this? Perhaps this time apart would have made her reflect and be curious in wanting to see me.

 

It's quite funny, because the last time I was on here (months ago), there were two types of people on here. Those who wanted to get there ex's back and those who wanted to stop the ones who wanted to, because they themselves were unsuccessful in their own attempts, or lack thereof.

 

Richgabe, please remember that you are on a getting back together forum. I asked for advice on how to do something. I know how my ex felt a month ago. Time has passed. I am growing, as I am sure, she is as well.

 

My question is still out there for anyone who would like to contribute.

 

Eyeofthetiger

[melrich]

Danimal,

 

I understand that you want her to see the new you. I also applaud you for paying her the money back regardless. What I am saying is don't link the two. Pay her the money back...that is one issue. Ask her to meet you for a drink or whatever...that is another issue.

 

Don't ask her to see you so you can pay the money back. It is transparent and i don't think would be terribly well received.

 

Of course no one knows all the issues associated with relationship problems on here. All we can do at best is read between the lines. I made no comment on whether the two of you will get back together. You may do. My only comment is don't link the pay back of the money with the opportunity you want to see her again.

[danimal77]

Gabe,

 

That to me makes a lot of sense and was not something I truly thought of. The last thing in the world, is wanting to come accross as being transparent and that is why I am waiting longer to do anything. I am pushing myself on a daily basis to go a week longer and then two, because if anything it will make things better for both her her and I, in all capacities.

 

Yes, I want to give her back the money she gave me, to help me when I was going through tough times and I will. Sure, I would like her to see, or at least have her hear about what's been happening in my life and would very much like to get together with her, if even for an hour coffee, to catch up, but I don't know how to proceed. I wanted to come accross as least threatening as possible and I saw the money as the perfect opportunity in doing so. It remains as the only link her and I have.

[Mun]

Hi Danimal,

I don't know about this. To me it seems that you have gone on this up and down ride with your girl for too long. Makes me wonder why exactly she doesn't want you in her life anymore. Did she give you a reason?

 

I agree with Richgabe that your relationship with her and your debt to her are two separate things and you should deal with them separately. You want her to see you making changes, not resorting to your old tricks to get to her...right?

 

No offense, but I can't help wondering if you are in love with her or obsessed with her.

[danimal77]

Hey Muneca,

 

Obsessed? No, far from....I wouldn't even go so far as to say that I am even still in love with her. I do still care about her though.

 

I have no more tricks. I cut that out 6 months ago.

 

The facts are that I owe her money and I would like to pay her this money, while at the same time, I would like to tell her about the changes in my life and am still interested in hers as well.

 

I can and have been patient, resorting to nothing underhanded this time around. I want to come accross in the least threatening way, while still protecting myself as well.

 

My past efforts failed, but as I see it, my only ally this time around, is "time".

 

Eyeofthetiger

[Mun]

I think its useless to "show" someone how much you have changed when they don't really care to know. ( if she cared to know she would be in touch with you right?)

 

Send her the check in the mail.

 

The right girl for you is out there. This one just doesn't want to be. Use the energy you want to spend trying to "convince" this one that you're a better man... into dating and meeting someone new.

 

Best of luck.

[danimal77]

Thanks Ari, I appreciate your advice. I guess you're right, she doesn't really care, because as you put it, she would be in contact with me, if she did.

 

You say it as you see it, don't you? I haven't been on here in 6 months and I ask some kind people for some advice and you insinuate that I am obsessed, because I still care, based on my past relationship with the woman and then you tell me I should not want to show her how much I have changed, because she doesn't care and the right one is out there and she isn't her. Please, your advice was appreciated 6-8 months ago, but now you are going way over your head Ari with your advice, which is way more judgemental than ever before. Please do not claim to know how my ex feels, or how I feel, or what my mental state is anymore, because I will not judge you, seeing that you have posted 2000 times on here. If you were trying to help me, with your strong recommendation, it's appreciated and now, I ask for other people, who can offer me some advice, based on my original question, to answer.

 

Thank you,

 

Dan

[Mun]

No problem Danimal.

 

Good luck to you

[Recovering_Lover]

Well,

 

If all you want to do is "The facts are that I owe her money and I would like to pay her this money, while at the same time, I would like to tell her about the changes in my life and am still interested in hers as well. "

 

Well, call her and tell her, you would like to meet her to pass her the money and if she would like to meet for a drink as well. If she says No, just send the money to post or something of that nature. You got your answer right there.

 

If you are looking for some way of convincing her to meet you, then you are not upfront and truthful. Thats all I want to say.

 

I did read your past stuff, and also your advice on how you got back your girl etc...which was few months ago...

 

Why did I read? becoz my ex did something similar to yours. But I called her over a period of 2 months at max 7 times. Giving a gap in between calls to see if she has cooled down. But the day, she said I was stalking her by calling her and she said that I manupilated her. I stopped. I just wrote her an email and told her, that if she really believes in what she says, than, she should have either sit down with me and really trash it with me on why she feels I manupilated her or explain how I manupilated her and not just accuse me. She didn't reply. I stopped after that.

 

I just let her be. Maybe I would call her in about 6 months time. But I never would play a fool or trickery. Just straight forward call and see if she wants to be up for drink and try if I can establish a friendship. If she says no, I will stop there.

 

But thats me. You decide what you think is right.

 

Good Luck.

[kipster]

I think its useless to "show" someone how much you have changed when they don't really care to know. ( if she cared to know she would be in touch with you right?)

 

Send her the check in the mail.

 

The right girl for you is out there. This one just doesn't want to be. Use the energy you want to spend trying to "convince" this one that you're a better man... into dating and meeting someone new.

 

Best of luck.

 

I agree with muneca on this one Dan. I would cut my losses with her and move forward not backward. Trust me, I know the hurt you've experienced and nothing is worse than making changes for a person that doesn't give a damn one way or the other. I've been there in a 6+ year relationship, but time does heal. You become stronger and believe me she's not the only fish in the see. Let her go....Trust me..she's not the one. As muneca said, if she were "if she cared to know she'd be in touch with you right now". I know it stings to hear that, trust me I've been there. But its the truth..a man/woman that wants to make it work doesn't let you leave they make it happen. It took me nearly 6 months to realize that and after about a year its crystallized. At this point, the EX still calls my parents on almost every Holiday almost a year later (I remember her saying when we broke up something about wanting to 'keep the connection'--despite not really communicating with them when we were a couple--go figure) but I don't get any calls and wouldn't answer them if I got them. Fact is if she really wanted me, she would have worked with me, not against me after our time of healing. I'd stress the same thing to you, think about whether she really wants you. And should it be THIS HARD to be blessed to have the woman that was meant for you?

 

Kip

[shockeddismayed]

This is the same old Danimal....

 

You have some nerve. Just because someone doesn't agree with you.

 

Imagine, someone who knew exactly what you told us... understands the sordid history between you and gives you advice to just leave her alone.

 

You didn't listen back then, you won't listen now.

 

And by the way... the other person who remembers your situation and has already weighed in (me) also thinks you should leave her alone... not because it is a hopeless cause.... but because you have tried EVERYTHING BUT giving this girl some space.... everything but allowing her to heal before you show back up in her life.

 

It's pretty obvious that you are good at winning this girl back in the short-term, but aren't you looking for somethng longer and based on something other than your own.... influence (and I'm being polite with my word choice)... on the situation?

 

You've only left her alone for all of four weeks since she last asked for peace and quiet.

 

What healing and self reflection could you both have possibly done in that short a time frame and given the tremendous and obviously painful past you have???

 

I'm with Muneca... that's right.... "Muneca", as she wishes to be called on this public forum.

 

For your Exes sake and your own, you should leave her alone for a while.

 

When the time is right, you need no excuse to call her up... just do it.

 

IMO now is not that time.

[kipster]

 

This is the same old Danimal....

 

You have some nerve. Just because someone doesn't agree with you.

 

Imagine, someone who knew exactly what you told us... understands the sordid history between you and gives you advice to just leave her alone.

 

You didn't listen back then, you won't listen now..

 

All I can say is Dan, I too had a stubborn streak in me at one point but it took knowledgeable insight from posters with a wealth of experience (e.g., Muneca, Belle, etc.) to provide a different perspective on relationships--that is, the side of a woman. They know what they are talking about and have your best interest at heart. And remember, we are given two ears and one mouth/keyboard for a reason--because 'listening' is more important than communicating. You've been extremely successful in the short term with your ex, that cannot be denied--hell, I commend you on that in your ability to secure this women on several different occasions. However, as S&D pointed out, the issue now is focusing on what type of person best compliments Danimal and whether that person is truly your EX. As I've stated above, IMHO, after 3 strikes your out. And in the game of love, its probably more like 1-2 strikes. Either its a HR or a strikeout, quite literally. I say, give the EX as much space as is humanly possible--using my analogy, give her 'outer space'.

 

I know its difficult to do and is easier said than done. As I mentioned, I've been there. And to be honest, I know theirs probably a part of you that's scared that if you give her that space she'll never return on her own. And that very well might happen. However, the only way you're going to experience long-term success in my view, is if she does just that. Otherwise you're literally 'taking a leak in the wind" and that's truly an uphill battle. I say date others and build upon those positive changes that you've already made with Dan that are commendable (e.g., weight loss, body building, etc.). Those things are exactly what's going to make some women appreciate you in the way that you need to be. And that someone, may or may not be your EX. But why limit yourself anyways, right?

 

Take care,

 

Kip

[twelve]

shocked+dismayed your post on the first page was really onto it, and it helped me with a situation too, im thinking about what you said.

 

Thank you xoxox

[Sli]

Daminal's back! (With another very interesting post!)

 

I joined about the same time as you. I've read your posts (what a story dude!) I also played the game, I won my ex back too for a while I could still be in her life if I wanted now, and I still miss her and think about her every day too.

 

But you know what? I finally get it… in the end I think the lesson I was supposed to learn from all of this was not how to keep her, but about letting go, something we've all got to learn… having the courage to face an uncertain future as opposed to desperately clinging to the past for some kind of security.

 

That's the biggest challenge, because it's about doing what is right for you, You mentioned the 2 types of people on here.. Those who wanted their ex's back and those, who you say, wanted to stop others getting their ex's back because of their own lack of success. I say the 2 types of people you saw were the people blinded by pain and those who were starting to see through the pain and see the bigger picture.

 

If you don't end up back with your ex, does that make you a loser? it might just make you someone who is capable of making the right decisions for yourself and your own sanity. I feel your pain dude…Like I said I could still be in my ex's life if I wanted to, I still love her truly, I still miss her everyday (I dreamt about her last night.. ugh ) but it is done, it will not work, I have tried everything, there has been enough pain now and I have made the choice not to live like that anymore… so game over. Why live in pain? Unless you're into S&M

 

If you have the strength to say goodbye no matter how much it hurts, if you have the character to realise when something is just not right for you. When there has been just too much pain for it to ever be right again. Mate if you can not only 'step of the curb and walk accross the street' but turn the corner too! … Then this bizarre experience we call life can be right again. It's been a long time for you now and we are not on this planet that long, you are still asking questions and it does'nt seem like you are letting go. Isn't it time to leave all the soul searching and pain behind you and be happy? In the words of the great Steve Tyler "kiss your past goodbye" if not "you better kiss your a** goodbye". (Check out the song if you're into Aerosmith)

 

All the best dude

Sli

[RayKay]

Hi Danimal, I was around last time you were around, and I guess I was one of those focused on getting my ex back at that time. But a lot has changed since then. I rarely post in these breakup parts of enotalone anymore, I have healed and moved on, and post my advice elsewhere more often then here..but sometimes I do visit to see and hopefully contribute from my experiences. It is hard to advise people though, because sometimes (often times) my advice is not going to be what they want to hear.

 

I still don't say NO CONTACT is necessary, as I am very glad I stayed friends with my ex, we are still good friends and talk regularly and still see each other now and then due to belonging to same cycling community...however in some situations I do think you need to withdraw. And in many, many situations on here I DO think there is a time where the people need to focus on themselves and moving on and healing, not on getting their ex back.

 

I have always believed that after a breakup, ex's CAN come back together and make it work...but as soon as it turns into an off/on again relationship where the same issues happen, where it seems like there is too much effort to make things work..where you are almost "forcing things" it is time to walk away....as they are not the right person for you. You WANT them to be, but even deep down you know they aren't REALLY the one. But that is sooo scary to admit, so scary to put yourself back out there again, to be vulnerable, alone...but wow, in a few months you do feel amazing. It took me about three of four months to stop thinking about my ex all the time, another couple to learn to put myself first again and to date, have fun and meet new people. And 6 months in total after the breakup until I met the most beautifully RIGHT person for me...I never knew he was what I was looking for until I found him, but things are absolutely amazing between us, and we have just moved in together. And without moving on I never would of known, or found him, but the point was that I was also healed and moved on so I COULD be open to him, and it would not be a "rebound".

 

I know the pain is incredible right now, but how would things be different next time? I think she has maybe accepted finally this is the end. Ex's come back not because of what we do, but because they WANT to. We cannot force them too. And sometimes them not wanting to is for the best. It does not feel like it now, but in a while, you will realize why there was a reason for it...and be thankful. Sounds crazy, but it does happen to sooo many people on here, and I was so lucky that I realized the same. I would NOT change a thing...I am truly blessed with a wonderful boyfriend, and I inherited a good friend (my ex) along the way too, and I hope he finds the same one day.

 

No, what Muneca, or Rich, S&D or Kipster says might not be what you WANT to hear, and maybe you CAN'T hear it yet. But don't dismiss it outright...there is a grain of truth to all they are saying. You forget we have been there, where you are. Most of us have wanted out ex's back too....but then one day you realize you put so much into it, so much effort, that you forgot about yourself....and that you deserve so much more.

[kate111]

Hi Danimal,

 

I was also around when you first started posting.

 

I was trying to get my ex back too. But not anymore. My ex didn't appreciate me. I don't even miss him anymore. I have a beautiful boyfriend who i love and goes out of his way to treat me with respect and devotion. We have our ups and downs but there is definitely alot more pleasure than pain going on. I love him, he loves me, simple.

 

I think sli made some valid points.

 

You are a strong person, in that you fight to the finish and don't quit. I find this admirable, in a way and quite unusual qualities in this day and age. I think many people on this board admire your courage.

 

I guess the fact that she has taken you back in the past gives you hope she will again. Maybe she will. But do you want someone back who is so hot and cold.

 

I don't know whether you can get your ex back again. Is it good for you? Will it make you happy?

 

How can you do it though after all these attempts in the past?

 

Please don't repeat your last "trickery" approach. I don't want to see you making the same mistakes twice. That would be dumb.

 

Maybe you should do as one poster advised, ask her for a drink. But I would give things a bit of time to settle before you do this.

 

Oh and one other thing. If a poster gives an opinion which you don't agree with please do not personally insult the poster. You are lashing out at somebody who is trying to help you. You do not agree with their views so tell them that and if you do not wish to have their opinion again, then tell them.

[kate111]

I just reread my post and then reread your initial post.

 

The main point is that you have made some changes to your life which may impress her and you think you are together enough to see her again. You want to contact her because you miss her and ultimately you want her to be part of her life. Am I right?

 

I also agree that the check should be treated separately, due to your past history. I know you have changed now and are no longer using trickery but she may not trust you enough on this yet. By treating this check separately you are showing her, in one small way, that you have changed.

 

I would let some time go by for her to lose some of her anger. Anger goes away after awhile as long as the thing which created it is kept away for awhile (you). Let a couple of months go by and keep paying this check or whatever.

 

The write an email straight to the point along the lines of

 

Dear__________,

 

Please give me a call if you would like to meet up for coffee or a drink. I miss you.

 

Love________________

 

That way if she is completely over you she will not contact you. You are being straight to the point (soemthing she probably isnt used to from you).

 

I don't think you should use tricks to get her, because of your history os doing this, she is likely to see through thema dn get turned off.

 

As for chasing her, why do you have to do it all the time? Seems a bit unfair.

 

For these 2 reasons above I recommend an email like the above written.

[danimal77]

Kate,

 

I haven't updated on here for awhile, so I guess I should let you know what has been happening.

 

As you may or may not know, we officially broke up in September of last year. At that point I was still a fool....a fool in love, while NEVER changing my approach. We tried to be friends as early as October and that lasted for 2 months (ending in early December). I just wasn't strong enough yet. I was still blind and still far too dependent on her for my own happiness. We HAD to stop all contact, but there was still the issue of money, of which I still owed her, that I had to contend with and live up to my word, but then was just not the time to deal with it. I was in a slump in every sense of the word.

 

I had to make some drastic changes in my life and stick to them, for ME and ME alone and so, I did NOT lose the job I had just started in December (A great position a bank). In fact, I devoted myself to work, where in the past I had devoted myself to her and winning her back. Secondly, I decided to move and not only did I move, but I strove to rent an appartment that is considered to be in an "exclusive" area and is far from cheap, which in turn has given me that added boost of confidence to succeed in my respective life. I have made new friends, have been dating women on a casual basis and have increased my confidence dramatically.

 

Now, there was the money issue to contend with and so, at the beginning of February, I picked up the phone, after almost 2 months and called her. I went straight to the point and told her how I would like to start paying her back and asked her when she could meet me, so I could start doing so. 3 days later she came to my work (with a gf of hers) and I gave her an installment. At first I hinted at having contact, but later on we agreed to not having contact, other than for the sole purpose of the money I owed her. Only 3 days later, I called her again, telling her that I have sorted through some old boxes, seeing I recently moved and asked her to come by and pick up some of her stuff. She agreed, which would have been unheard of 2-3 months earlier......While at my new place, she seemed in awe of just how many I have actually made. This was not the Dan who fell apart without her. I am making something for myself for the first time in years and she saw it. I was business like and casual with her and she was just caught off guard as a result. She left my place after an hour and a half and I told her that I would call her in a couple of weeks (March 1) for the money and I did call her, 2 days ago. I told her I will be out of town for a good portion of this week on business and she immediately showed a renewed interest, offering me advice on Atlanta's airport and I thanked her, without going into detail and oh was she receptive (night and day from December).....I told her I would call her when I come back into town and we'll set a time to meet for the money and that is where I am at right now.

 

I can thruthfully say that deep down I am the same man, but I am so much more than I thought I once was and it is not an act. the changed are coming to me, fast and furious and she sees it and feels it and I KNOW it to be true and I am not turning back this time around. I was a little scared and insecure, clingy boy and now I am proud to say I have grown up into a man, who lets his actions speak louder than my words ever could.

 

Peace,

 

EyeOfTheTiger

[kate111]

It seems that every time she goes out with you, you can't help but turn "codependent".

 

Then when she leaves, you manage to get yourself together, your ex reconsiders and then you get together again.

 

How can you avoid this pattern and get her back forever?

 

I recommend being fairly straight up with your ex. Your ex must feel fairly "ripped off" that you weren't the guy she thought you were. She probably feels deceived. I also would be extremely careful to not use the money as a way of communicating. If she thinks this is the case this will reinforce her negative memories of you as using tricks etc (not very masculine at all from a lady's perceptive).

 

Better to work on your own qualities for yourself. Try to be the bigger person and a good person.

 

I think you should ask her to give you a call when she feels ready. Even if you see each other just as "friends" for awhile. Then you can rebuild her trust and show her the man you have become.

 

But first you must work on yourself. Become someone you think is amazing.