pavlo81 Posted April 10, 2015 Author Share Posted April 10, 2015 I think it isn't gender based...it is based on insecurity. Not looking to get into an argument but the pain I and many ppl have felt has been terrible....I wish I didn't picture my ex being with someone. ...Unfortunately for me we were housemates before we got together so I have seen what she is like....have also heard her having sex with someone. ...I still love that even though she seamlessly moved on Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 I'd say it is totally worth it when there is mutual real love there. I'd take a bullet for that. Then a break up, no matter how painful it is, still has that sweetness about it. You feel bigger for it. When it's groping for love that's gone, thats where it gets complicated. It can be not worth it. Hanging on to something or someone when it's dead. I can't say I regret any of the times I gave all my heart to someone, but, there is something to be said about knowing when to move on. That's what I regret, and that's where the type of grueling suffering lies - not learning how to move on and love again sooner. Take the good and keep going. Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Think females find it easier....might be a male thing Trust me, it's not to do with gender. I thought about my ex with other women a lot after we broke up - and it wasn't to do with insecurity. It was plain old resentment and jealousy that he had someone else! Gah! I'm so glad to be over that. Link to comment
brokenguy Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I agree jealousy does not require insecurity. The fact is we still have strong feelings for our ex and jealousy seems natural. However, when I think back to previous girlfriends in my life the thought of them with someone else now does not bother me at all. In time I assume I'll find a new love who deserves me and at that time I will no longer think of and feel pain for my current ex with someone else. If we really take the time to reach within ourselves, and transcend our own feelings, we realize that if we truly love the ex, we should want them to be happy and joyful in life. If they are truly more happy and joyful with someone else, then so be it. Be happy for them, no matter how hard it is on you, because you truly love them. Work on yourself, improve yourself and believe someone better is going to enter your life and give you happiness and joyfulness too. Link to comment
mhowe Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Jealousy is based on insecurity. That someone else, past or present, is somehow better than you are. The feeling of envy...that someone has what you once have and no longer do...because you were deemed unworthy. It isn't true.... But it doesn't lessen the.pain. Link to comment
brokenguy Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Jealousy can be based on insecurity, but it can also be based on rivalry. You can be secure in yourself and still feel envy, jealous, and be bothered by thoughts of your ex with someone else. You can feel fully equal to the new boyfriend and just fantasize about taking him down with a punch in the face. Don't do it in real life though. I'm glad you ended your last post with "It isn't true" cause I was certainly left feeling abandoned and unworthy. I'm very confident that she, just before she broke up with me, created an image of me in her mind that simply isn't true. She build up untruths about me in her mind to justify her decision to break up. Link to comment
mhowe Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Rivalry is about competition. Competition is about ego. And her choice has less to do with you than herself. Link to comment
brokenguy Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Well, there's something I need to explore more. On the surface I'd say that's why my conclusion is that her decision was selfish. Cause it was about her not us. Link to comment
mhowe Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Well, there's something I need to explore more. On the surface I'd say that's why my conclusion is that her decision was selfish. Cause it was about her not us. Self interest is not necessary selfish. A decision to break up is never about "us". Link to comment
pavlo81 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 What if your break up was terrible and you both said things that are unforgiving and truly horrible Link to comment
mhowe Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Then likely your break up is final. What if your break up was terrible and you both said things that are unforgiving and truly horrible Link to comment
pavlo81 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 Then likely your break up is final. believe me I know that....I think i meant I dont want her to be happy even though obviously I loved her Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 believe me I know that....I think i meant I dont want her to be happy even though obviously I loved her It's part of the healing process. At some point, we learn to forgive. To forgive ourselves...and to forgive others...even those we feel deeply wounded by. Because we recognize sooner or later that our attachment to the anger, the resentment, the bitterness...it's actually our own attachment to those things that hurts the most. The other person is gone. They're not responsible for the negativity that we harbour and continue to create within. Whatever you're feeling inside, it's yours. Own it. Link to comment
pavlo81 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 It's part of the healing process. At some point, we learn to forgive. To forgive ourselves...and to forgive others...even those we feel deeply wounded by. Because we recognize sooner or later that our attachment to the anger, the resentment, the bitterness...it's actually our own attachment to those things that hurts the most. The other person is gone. They're not responsible for the negativity that we harbour and continue to create within. Whatever you're feeling inside, it's yours. Own it. I dont want to be like this anymore. ..just get lonley at night. ..I box for 2 hours every night because I hate being home Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Jealousy is based on insecurity. That someone else, past or present, is somehow better than you are. The feeling of envy...that someone has what you once have and no longer do...because you were deemed unworthy. It isn't true.... But it doesn't lessen the.pain. Ha! No, I was jealous of him - because he was having sex and I wasn't! Link to comment
mhowe Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 believe me I know that....I think i meant I dont want her to be happy even though obviously I loved her Luckily your wants or desires for her happiness....heve no bearing on her happiness. Link to comment
pavlo81 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 Luckily your wants or desires for her happiness....heve no bearing on her happiness. Clearly mate....please dont reply again....you dont know anything about me or her...cheers Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 While you are in the middle of your pain, it's natural to feel more negatively about love. For me, every heartbreak has made me a better person and my subsequent relationship has been better overall too. Most people on this board end up on a dating site/looking after a while. It just takes time and healing. Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I dont want to be like this anymore. ..just get lonley at night. ..I box for 2 hours every night because I hate being home You'll get there. It's all about shifting your focus inwards. It's the only place you can make a lasting impression on your own life. Boxing sounds like a good outlet for pent up energy (it's gotta go somewhere!). It's great that you've got something like that. In the meantime, face that loneliness like you chose it. Sometimes that little shift in how you look at it can make a world of difference. Won't make it ''easy''...but you might notice that you feel less hung up on your current life situation. Perhaps more capable of facing the new challenges associated with being on your own again. There's opportunity in this. Remember that too. Link to comment
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