Should I say goodbye before I move out?

[hidden_kitten]

I should have all my things moved out by next week, I also need to work my notice so can't leave any sooner. Ex is currently staying at a mates house. He's been back in occasionally to get clothes/do laundry so it's possible I'll see him in the meantime.

 

I am not taking the breakup well at all and did not want this.

 

Should I ask for a final goodbye when I'm leaving my keys or just lockup and post them through the letterbox? Never had to leave a relationship like this before. I know seeing him a last time won't change anything but I'm unlikely to ever see him again after I move out.

[cbh1979]

Will it help you have some closure?

[malike]

Yes, do it. Keep yourself together, be as calm and polite as you can, try to tell him that you will keep good memories and say goodbye.

 

Otherwise you will ask yourself what could have been later on.

[hidden_kitten]

Yes I think it will give me closure...up until now I've not wanted to accept that it's really happening.

 

Thanks for the tips malike, things got very intense in the aftermath (my fault) so he doesn't see me in a great light right now. I don't want to make it any worse so will keep it short and polite.

[sophie274]

I don't know. I'd vote for no.

 

I think seeing him again is going to bring up all those emotions that made things "get intense" in the first place. It may be very hard to have a constructive conversation.

 

I think you think and hope it will be bring closure, but more likely it will just reopen a wound. Unfortunately, we rarely get closure from anyone other than ourselves. What would you need to hear to feel better? What would you want this interaction to be like? Do you think it's likely that he'll say what you want to hear, or act the way you want him to? What does closure even mean to you? I doubt there is anything that can happen when you say goodbye that will make you accept or be at peace with the breakup: that's just time and distance. Again, I think most people end up having to find or make their own closure, rather than get it from an ex.

[hidden_kitten]

I guess it's just the thought that it'll be the last time we'll ever be in touch. It's like a nightmare come true. I woke up shaking this morning realising he wasn't there beside me. I'm thinking of writing some things down in a letter and if I lose the nerve to see him I'll leave it on the counter for him. He's making it look so easy moving on.

 

Sorry, had to release these thoughts

[dave_1966]

I would pick up everything when he's not around, and I certainly wouldn't leave a note because if you find out he's with someone else in a little while you'll feel a chump. Go no contact, and read the following:

link removed

[FirstIn]

I was in a similar position a few weeks ago. I read a lot online about what other people did. I also made the mistake in the past of trying to make a big final stand about it being my last "chance". Note: Dave (above) has also been in the same boat. You should read his threads too. It's not easy and I understand exactly the emotions you are going through.

 

Some tips:

 

- It helped me to have that moment where the final stuff was getting taken. I'd say do it, but make it quick. Don't say anything if he is the one that decided to end it. Nothing you say is going to change his mind. Think about it, would you want it to? You shouldn't have to say the right combination of words to change someones mind to come back. They should want to be back on their own. You should be worth it.

 

- Don't think of it as the last time, especially when you meet. It is not a good mindset and could cause you to freak out. Think to yourself that this is just a needed meetup to complete some formalities and you will meet again if you were to get back together.

 

- think what your future self would want. Future self would regret getting emotional, even if the future self that still misses him. Unfortunately, you will regret whatever you do say and whatever you don't.

 

- so let him do the talking - don't ask questions - maybe say one sentence at that's it. I.e. "so that's it then?" that should help remove the doubt that at least you asked one more time.

[NeonLight]

A final meeting might be a good or bad idea depending on your state of mind. I can share my experience rather than advising you I guess!

 

It was her decision to breakup after 4 years. I obviously wanted to continue and 'try one more time'; but she said that 'she loved me but was not in love with me anymore'. Long story short... it took me a while [6 weeks I guess] before I finally got hold of myself. The most difficult part was to believe that it was happening to me. Eventually I accepted and it felt bit easier. But I still wanted to feel that there would be some 'hope'. However, as everyone always suggested at ENA, there might or might not be something in future, right then there was nothing and I had to accept it. As soon as I accepted it and decided to move on, I felt a big load off my head. I felt stronger.

 

Interestingly enough, I felt bad for my ex. Although it was her decision to breakup, I knew she was so used to 'us' and it would not be any easy for her either. But the best thing for both of us was to be apart. So I decided to have a final closure meeting. Boy... I won't forget that day ever..

 

We met at coffee shop. I told her exactly how I felt [i never lied to her]. And I mentioned that I respected her decision and it was time to say goodbye, may be forever. I wished her all the best. Her eyes were all in tears the whole time. She knew she was loosing the best friend of her life too. It was a very complicated and mixed feeling for her. I realized it but that was the best I could do. We promised not to contact each other unless there were some emergencies, and certainly not when 'we missed each other at a lonely moment'.

 

I called a cab to drop her at office. In the cab she hugged me and kept on crying the whole time. It was weird but I was feeling for her. But again, what else could I do? Before she left, I kissed her on forehead and said goodbye. I tried to stay as calm as possible. I felt I just did the most difficult thing I ever had to do. It was big emptiness all over but at the same time I was glad that I did the best I could.

 

It was okay for me to meet and say goodbye because I felt I would be able to stay strong. If I didn't feel that way, I would have just wrote a letter to her. The letter would have had everything I felt about us, but would have left out any negative things or blaming.

 

So, if you feel you're strong enough now to have a face-to-face meeting, go for it. A letter might be a good idea too. But do not hope anything. Certainly do not expect.

[FirstIn]

I was curious and read through some of Neon's threads.

 

Some points I could note:

 

The final meetup wasn't the final bit of contact with the ex. (i.e. don't build it up for yourself - build it down)

 

Those tears were just tears. My ex broke down uncontrollably sobbing in her car while I held my composure. I felt for her too. I just decided to hold all my sobbing to when she wasn't there. She made the decision to leave. She has been out having fun since the breakup. I expect she is still doing the same now. I'm the one still crying.

 

The point is that a final meetup can help you in some ways, there is nothing like seeing that person (after a period of time) walk away again to kill some of the hope. But expect it to also be a confusing and very painful event and also a non event. My hand was shaking the whole time and I was a mess for days after. However, I also found that weeks after I have been feeling a lot better. Perhaps because I dealt with that day so well. Had I gotten emotional then I would have caused her to react (which I would have also reacted to) and I would have put myself in a state of limbo. I am glad that I sat back and watched her that day. The ball was in her court, she did nothing and I have no regrets.... for now

[hidden_kitten]

Thanks so much everyone for sharing your experiences. I wrote a few drafts of a letter but decided to keep them in my journal instead. Helped to write them out though. It's correct that it won't change anything. Don't want to look like I'm walking away so easily, but he's made up his mind regardless.

 

I've not even told him where I'm moving to. Should I? In a weird way I feel if he finds out it's yet another 'hold' he's got over me because he's forced me to move back home while he gets to turn the flat into his dream bachelor pad. Or something. I'm packing up and cleaning tomorrow and Tuesday then moving the last of my things on Wed. The place is going to look so bare because he "built the flat around me" yet he ended it. Ugh now I'm hoping he doesn't show up in the meantime.

[FirstIn]

Better to say as little as possible. Don't tell him where you are moving to. Let him wonder. You also don't want him to say anything that's going to eat at you later. I.e. make you question something or feel need to contact him for more info later.

 

He will also have to live with all the memories in the flat while you get to start a fresh. I know this because I am the one in the flat and she left it. So I sometimes see her ghost walking around. He will see yours sometimes too.

 

If he wants to reach out to you he will. Go off the radar for a while. Be glad to be moving back in with your parents. Think of all the money you will save! Use that money to buy new clothes and reward yourself with a holiday in the future.