Dating Help

[akrngrl]

Met a guy about a month ago off of a dating website. We've hung out once a week (we're about an hour-hour and a half away from each other). So we've only hung out three times (each Saturday). We talked 24/7 the first week, almost literally. The first date we went out to a bar with his friends, the next date he came to my place and the previous one last weekend, I went back out to him. We get along great and have a lot of fun, but things have been heating up. He has mentioned in the past that he was going out on dates (at the time none past a first date though) and the topic of sex/fooling around came up and I said something to the effect of "I usually hold off until we decide whatever this is is going to be". He responded that he needs to do a fair amount of hooking up/sex before he's committed to ensure that he enjoys having sex with the person and that there is sexual chemistry. When we met up last week there was some fooling around, but I refused sex (more like politely declined).

 

We didn't have plans to hang out this week because we were both going home for the holidays. We talk every day, less over the past two weeks, but still he texts me and initiates the conversations. This morning he asked me to hangout tomorrow and spend the night. He had previously invited me to stay on each of the other dates (as a last minute thing right before I left), but I didn't feel comfortable (Honesty Hour though: No matter how hard I try I lose track of the time and that drive home is AWFUL). I'm concerned that he phrased it as we should spend a night together (Come over around dinner time and then stay over). I agreed, but I'm going to play the "staying over" by ear. I feel like he was a little TOO adamant about the sleeping over up front and while I would normally need to know in advance (so I can bring a change of clothes, leave out food for the cats, etc. I'm sure I've never told him that to where he'd know to say it up front). However, maybe I'm just paranoid?

 

I understand where he is coming from with wanting to make sure you're sexually compatible with someone before you "commit", but I think that's a crock of bull that he needs to be with someone hooking up for a fairly extensive period of time. I have rushed into relationships before just so I felt better about having sex with them (I'm a 'I only have sex with someone who is my boyfriend' person, but I'm trying to get away from that because it has caused a lot of problems in the past), but not to the point where I don't care about what else you're doing with your time.

 

As of recently he's still on the dating website A LOT (I swore off checking it every .10 seconds to see if he was online because ew that's creepy of me). I don't know if he's going out on other dates, so I can only assume he is. Once again, when we're together he's totally about me (phones away, not on the computer if we're near one), we laugh, we joke, he does a lot of sweet things. I'm also not necessarily against having sex before a "full" commitment (as he called it), but I sure don't want to be having sex with him if he's playing the field that hard.

 

I guess my questions are:

1) On a scale of 1-10 how bad of a person am I if I either bail on the sleepover portion of the night OR tell him "We can do other things, but I'm not going to have sex"

2) Should I say that up front so there aren't any expectations? I don't want to just blurt it out/text him that without it really coming up (on the off chance maybe that's not what he was thinking and I look presumptuous), but I don't want to wait too long and I guess give the wrong vibe

3) Is there a way to bring the sex/exclusivity talk again? Or is that more of a "I said my piece and that's it" deal?

 

 

Thank you in advance!

[Coldarmy13]

If you've only hung out 3 times, he should really be more interesting in getting to know you than when youre going to sleep with him will be. Especially that you've expressed your opinion on that.

[reinventmyself]

I guess my questions are:

1) On a scale of 1-10 how bad of a person am I if I either bail on the sleepover portion of the night OR tell him "We can do other things, but I'm not going to have sex" You need to do whatever is right to take care of yourself and your body . .to heck what anyone else thinks, including us.

I have been in your situation more then once and I state, straight up, "I'll stay over but we're not having sex"

2) Should I say that up front so there aren't any expectations? I don't want to just blurt it out/text him that without it really coming up (on the off chance maybe that's not what he was thinking and I look presumptuous), but I don't want to wait too long and I guess give the wrong vibe

 

3) Is there a way to bring the sex/exclusivity talk again? Or is that more of a "I said my piece and that's it" deal? I typically state it in a way that I am not asking anything from the man, more so stating my value, that I don't have sex with someone until we are at a point that we aren't dating/sleeping with other people. Not to be confused with a formal commitment rather we both agree we want to see where this goes and we don't date others in the meantime while we figure it out.

 

A lot of guys will play some sort of verbal semantics with this one. . you need to be able to discern between what feels sincere and what doesn't.

 

The whole `I need a lot of sex with you before I know' is bs. I guess there is some truth to sexual compatibility but if he can't keep it in his pants while he's with you in the meantime, for however long it takes the two of you to figure things out than he's not the one for you.

 

You need to keep in the forefront of your mind, that you are worth it.

 

It's more of a sense of knowing or sensing his intentions because honestly there are no guarantees. You figure this out by taking in information such as him continuously logging on. Is this someone you want to give yourself to? I wouldn't. For me, rule #1. . .cease logging on! If he doesn't . . then you don't have sex and you stay friends or move on to someone with the same agenda.

[akrngrl]

@reinventmyself Thank you! I totally agree. He's been sending a lot of mixed messages from the beginning, texting me that "he wants to be my boyfriend, but he has to make me like him first" and then dropping the "I need to be having sex with someone a lot to make sure we're compatible". Then just yesterday a little boy I work with told me I was his gf, so I texted him that joking and he responded with "Geeze, I'm trying to get you to like me and I'm only two years older...what's his secret?". I TOTALLY get not wanting to put all the eggs in one basket too soon and I was originally going to take this week off from him and then if we were still hanging out give him another handful of dates before I was like "Okay, you know by now whether or not you like me and want to be exclusive, everything after this point is you just seeing what else/if anything better is out there." Butttt thennnn he had to go and throw a wrench in the plan haha.

[reinventmyself]

valuable lesson I learned. . `mixed messages' = no go!

When someone likes you and is sincere, you know it and there aren't mixed messages

 

Mixed messages are designed to manipulate you and keep you off balance

[akrngrl]

@reinventmyself OOOOhhh I never really had considered it like that! I was giving him the benefit of the doubt thinking he was testing the waters and then following up with some sassy comment to save face (We're very guilty of teasing each other in that sense). It kinda makes me want to bring it up tomorrow then so I know not to waste anymore time! I feel like 3/4 dates doesn't SOUND like a lot, but when it's once a week, this is already pretty much a month that I have given to this guy and he is taking up VALUABLE Saturdays worth of dating time if he ends up "not being into it". This could just be my inner sassiness talking though haha, I feel like there is a fine line between me coming off as snarky/rude and being legitimate when I say "hey man now or never, I've got other people I could be meeting".

[missmarple]

If I were you, I would stop dating him. A guy who says 'he needs to do a fair amount of hooking up/sex before he's committed' after just a few dates is bad news in my book. Not only he doesn't seem to be interested in a relationship, which I assume you are, but, also, I would bet that he's been sleeping with others, too. Frankly, it sounds to me like all he wants is to get you in his bed.

[reinventmyself]

""he was testing the waters"". . .as in testing you? Similar tactic as mixed messages.

All we have to go off of is what you've shared and there seems to more of an emphasis from him trying to get you in bed then there is his desire to get to know you.

You have shared with him how you would like things to play out and he still wants things to go according to his plan.

[Batya33]

Agree with MM. It really boils down to whether the test drive mentality is one you share. Maybe it works for some and that's great. It would be completely opposite to my standards and values (and yes I met men who said similar things to me -never went on more than a date or two and no sex). I knew my husband and I would be sexually compatible because we had good chemistry and I enjoyed kissing him. That is how I knew about sexual compatibility. I think if your date has particular requirements or fetishes a test drive might be necessary for his form of "compatibility". I also think that you can't always tell sexual compatibility if you don't know the person well because it might be an off night or the first few times might be awkward -without the foundation of a strong relationship or bond the impulse likely would be to bail rather than work on it.

 

I would stop dating him because of his emphasis on sex and his justification that he needs to test drive you multiple times. Won't you feel like you're auditioning in bed?

[LoveSoDeep]

I guess my questions are:

1) On a scale of 1-10 how bad of a person am I if I either bail on the sleepover portion of the night OR tell him "We can do other things, but I'm not going to have sex"

2) Should I say that up front so there aren't any expectations? I don't want to just blurt it out/text him that without it really coming up (on the off chance maybe that's not what he was thinking and I look presumptuous), but I don't want to wait too long and I guess give the wrong vibe

3) Is there a way to bring the sex/exclusivity talk again? Or is that more of a "I said my piece and that's it" deal?

 

1. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being your're the worst ever....I'd say 1. He invited you that doesn't mean you have to accept and if at any point you feel you'd rather drive home, then you should do that and if he doesn't like it. TOUGH! If you do decide to stay it's absolutely fine to give him your boundaries up front. I say do it....b/c then you'll know if he tries to push them or if he respects them. If you tell him for example "clothes stay on but we can make out and cuddle" and he tries to take off your shirt....then you know he doesn't respect your boundaries and you need to decide if that's a person you want to date (I wouldn't)

2. I would set boundaries not expectations....don't go with a bag like you'r ready to stay. I would say "I didn't bring much with me b/c I'm not sure if I'll feel like staying, but if I do stay here's how it'll be___."

3. I don't think you have to bring it up again right now. You told him your rule and now you just stick to it. If he decides he can;t deal with that he'll bring it up or he'll leave. Right now I would say you probably don't even know if you want to be committed to him so don;t worry about it. When you get to the point where you know that's what you want if he hasn;t brought it up then that's when you think about mentioning it again.

 

This whole thing with him saying he needs to have lots of casual sex before he commits.....I think he's just saying he's not in any way ready to get married and be with one woman the rest of his life. In his mind he needs to play the field for a while that could mean he needs to have several LTRs or it could really mean he wants to play the field. If what you are looking for right now is husband material....I would seriously consider moving on.

[SoulTaker]

1) On a scale of 1-10 how bad of a person am I if I either bail on the sleepover portion of the night OR tell him "We can do other things, but I'm not going to have sex"

 

Wrong question. Your a 10 (bad) if you feel that he's still dating material, and you are desperate in being with a man who's looking for women he can manipulate into having sex with him. You have your standards, so stick with them. Don't abandon them because someone in your past didn't measure up to them.

 

2) Should I say that up front so there aren't any expectations? I don't want to just blurt it out/text him that without it really coming up (on the off chance maybe that's not what he was thinking and I look presumptuous), but I don't want to wait too long and I guess give the wrong vibe

 

He knows what your position is, and you know what his main reason is for online dating. It's sad that there are women out there (not you) who will fall for his weak attempt at getting a woman in bed right away. Kind of pathetic. Why are you still interested in dating this guy?

 

3) Is there a way to bring the sex/exclusivity talk again? Or is that more of a "I said my piece and that's it" deal?

 

Wrong question. Are you looking for a casual situation, or something of more substance? What did his profile state? Most men will try to at least put some thought (intelligence) into trying to get you in bed. He just comes out and states it like he's the best thing since "slice bread" (arrogance at its best).