sheley123 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I started dating A in April, he was 6 months seperated but, assured me that his marriage was over a long time ago. They had married young, seperated before, were no longer happy and realized they were no longer in love and had not been for a long time. In fact when he moved out, there was no arguments and no big emotions. They have 2 beautiful boys 6 & 2. Because it was a long distance relationship and I got let go of my job, in September he insisted I move in with him. I was reluctant but, he would tell me that in hindsight my worries would seem silly. He told me he needed me in his life everyday and was very loving. When we moved in things were not perfect (they never really are) but, we were really happy and in love. We met eachother's families and friend and our lives became more intertwined. He would often talk about the future and everything we did , we did as a committed couple and with our future plans in mind. I built a great rapport with his kids. His ex wife and I got along very well considering, she told him that she liked me, I would watch the kids for her while she had activities, we would be cordial and she even told him after she found out about an argument we had that she was happy we had figured it out and got back together. The divorce went through in October (she filed stating infidelity to expedite the process) . Soon after in December my boyfriend got a wonderful job oppurtunity which changed his stress levels, when he started becoming a little more distant and agitable I chalked it up to work stress. I tried everything I could to make home life more pleasant and help out as much as I could with the kids. When I realized he was depressed we talked about it and agreed we would both be willing to make some positive changes to help our relationship. I told him I knew he was not in a good place but, would be there for him. He is a former alcoholic and big changes are very stressful for anyone but, especially recovered drinkers. Now my ex seems soo lost and confused. He recently had to give her 1/2 of his savings due to the divorce, he was always talking about how he missed his nice house. Also, she got laid off recently and her brother has not been paying his rent to her so she has been financially strapped. He told me he has regrets about not trying hard enough to save his marriage. After his son asked him why he does not live with Mommy anymore, he asked her if that door was closed , she told him no but, that it would not be like before and he could not come back right away, they would have to go to counselling to see. He has agreed to this counselling and subsequently broke up with me. The problem is he says he loves me and misses me but, it does not change anything, he says he has been burying himself in work to distract himself. He even slept with me a couple of weeks later when I went back to pack my stuff. He said he could not control himself, I said that is because, you love and miss me so why are you doing this? He had no answer. I do not understand how he could have went from being so happy with me, still loving me, talking about buying a house with me to this.. My only guess is that he feels gulity, has unresolved grief from his divorce ( I understand that a part of him will always care for her and miss her in a certain way) and misses his ''old life'' financially, lifestyle, etc... I would love for the 2 kids if things worked out for them but, knowing the history I doubt it. They are ''looking into the possibility".. it is not even a sure thing. However I know he loves and misses me which is making it hard for me to let go. I feel like he is making a big mistake and making things messier for everyone. I know there is nothing I can do and I have to move on but, I feel blindsided, stupid, confused, conflicted and just messed up! I keep telling everyone that I would bet any amount of money that I will receive a phone call shortly about how confused he was and how much he misses me. Truth is even if I did I do not know if I could ever trust him again.. Has anyone else every stupidly got involved seriously with someone that had not grieved their divorce? What were your experiences ? Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I would think that their experience is much like yours and that is why it is wise to not date separated individuals. And wiser to let a year pass after the divorce. The finality of divorce can bring up many unresolved issues. I am sorry you are hurting. Link to comment
MisUnderstood9 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 This is why you dont date a "seperated person" while they are going through a divorce. The whole reason why they say you need to be seperated for a year before filing for divorce is because things like this situation happen all the time where they separate and than 6-8 months later they want to see if maybe they can try again. Being "seperated" is still being married. So he could of loved you and he still could be in love with you but, you made the mistake of assuming the marriage was over just because they seperated. Its not grieving the divorce.. it sounds like to me that needed a break from eachother and realized they want to try and work things out. Rule of thumb for the future... if they are seperated, dont date. If they are newly divorced, dont date. Make sure they are atleast 1 year seperated and 1 year out of the divorce before you date, these situations happen more than you think. All you can do is cut ties, go no contact and move on. Sorry for the heart break your experiencing though... its not an easy situation. Link to comment
jackielove42 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Sometimes people do get back with their ex's for all the reasons you listed. Hind sight is 20/20 and dating someone before a divorce is final is 1 50/50 risk. I think you need to move on and get him out of your system but lessening the contact you have with him. It will be an ongoing grief of an experience. I went through that but they did not go back to their ex they just left me and I don't know for sure. But I had an acquaintance who got seriously involved with after his divorce of 20 years with a woman and three kids. They got back together, remarried and left the girl completely. She was hurt and lonely but moved on. His reason was that he missed his wife and kid and the family life they shared. He said that my friend was not settled enough and she did not attend church. I know right...totally irrelevant buy anyway it happens and you need to let it go regardless of his word and actions. Also he may be trying to set it up to have his cake and eat it too. Keep you around for your convenience and have his wife and kids. I mean he probably still has feelings for the both of you and is confused but does want to let you go either. Make yourself a priority and your feeling and start the healing process. Link to comment
relevart Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Has anyone else every stupidly got involved seriously with someone that had not grieved their divorce? What were your experiences ? Yeah, my wife's ex. Only what you call "grieving" the divorce is actually realizing you still love the person you just divorced both in the case of your guy and his ex and me and my wife in the late 90s. Link to comment
sheley123 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 He offered to have me move in his upstairs appartment, so yes I would say so! \I have cut off all non essential contact (my stuff is still at his place) Link to comment
sheley123 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 He offered to have me stay in his upstairs appartment, so yes I would say so... I have cut off all non essential contact ( my stuff is still at his place). Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Honey this is sadly a very common story. He used you to plug a hole in his life... perhaps his wife got sick of their problems and his drinking and tossed him out or she put enough pressure on him to change that he moved out. So he finds himself an 'insta-wife' (you!) to move in to fill the hole. But deep down, he doesn't really want to be divorced, and doesn't want to pay alimony/child support, misses his wife and kids and family life, and doesn't want to leave the much nicer marital home behind etc. So once you've patched him up and made him feel better, he starts looking around and says to himself 'but wait! i could have this new woman and lose all that money and the house and pay child support and rarely see my kids and lose my wife, or i could dump the new woman and go back to my wife and have all those things I'm missing and a lot more money too. So you got used. He may not have consciously set out to do that, but that is what happened. I don't think he is 'grieving' his divorce, i think he didn't really want to get divorced, or didn't realize how much devastation divorce would cause, so he's running back into his marriage. It is time to go total no contact and get on with your life. He is getting back with his wife. And you are considered 'second best' or he would have chosen you. You need a man who wouldn't trade you for the world, not a married man who used you while he was separated, and went running back to his wife when he realized what divorce would cost him. And now he's going to try to keep the wife, and keep you as spice on the side and demote you to occassional 'other woman.' Please see this for what it is and save yourself and your heart and get out ASAP and let him go. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 He offered to have me stay in his upstairs appartment, so yes I would say so... I have cut off all non essential contact ( my stuff is still at his place). That's insulting. I guess he doesn't have to go far if he wants some sex on the side, or a free babysitter. Get your stuff out of there, fast. Link to comment
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