It's been 2.5 months already and I am suddenly very angry at my ex!

[Avro1986]

Hi everyone,

 

I did post in the past about my break up. I dated since and started to feel better. However, lately, I have had very intense anger moments when I basically imagine my ex girlfriend in the living giving her s*it for what she did. Briefly, I was dating her for 3 months. She said that I was an amazing person and that she wanted something serious that could lead to marriage. Just before the holidays, I was kicked out of my PhD. I was alone on Christmas and had to work during the holidays. We have had several fights about women's rights, religion, and parties. I am 28 and she is 25. She was a party animal. One time, when we were together, she went to a club with friends and drank so much that she later admitted of not remembering the end of the evening. I was like ok... Once she cancelled a date on me to go see her grandmother (which she did), but then when clubbing afterwards without telling me. I was furious because I had planned the entire evening together and cancelled plans with friends and family her (and I told her). Moreover, because of the PhD issue, I thought that she would have wanted to spend time with me. She victimized herself and said that she was walking on eggshells with me. I went clubbing with her on New Years but didn't feel good around 2:30 and wanted to leave early to sleep because I had to work that morning. She became angry and said damage has been done! Go! You can't change it now!" I was baffled. I felt like , apologize and left in a cab. The last fight that made her break up with me was about me not wanting to go confess my sins to the priest. At first, I tried to be polite and change the subject, but she kept insisting. Eventually, I said no, and she was became excessively angry at me saying: "I can't believe that you just did that to me! Apologize immediately!" I kept apologizing during her relationship. However, since I hadn't taken a real vacation in 3.5 years, worked weekends/holidays for long, got kicked out of the PhD, two family members died in recent years (I missed them terribly during the holidays and was alone), and resented my girlfriend for her selfish lack of empathy, I became angry and we fought hard. Eventually, she said that she thought that her differences were too great to be together. I replied you want to break up, do it!!" Then she said: "You need to calm down and become the man I fell in love with." Two days later, she broke up with me saying that I had anger problems and "triggers". I tried to explain to her my side of the story, but she wouldn't hear. I gave up and wished her all the best. She cried saying that she was scared of being cheated on and I was had a heart of gold. Eventually, after 6 weeks of being led on, I realized that she did that for her own ego. I wouldn't be surprised if cheated on me or hooked up with someone else.

 

I started dating again and things are good. I started feeling better, but recently, I become very angry and see a psychologist to deal with it. I wish my ex so much suffering for her lies and abandoning me during a dark moment and moving on with her life. Well so it seems. She told me that was going through a lot of family conflict. What sickens me is that she claimed to love me, made me vulnerable (told her about how my mother left me when I was a kid), and she promised me to be there for me no matter what. That was 2-3 days before the break up. Now things are better at school. I am getting a second masters and applying for another PhD and med school. Still, I have a hard time getting over what she did and the fact that she probably had sex with someone else. Did anyone have someone similar happen to them? How did things work out? Did your ex got what they deserve? I am mad because she said that her exes were s who either cheated on her or dumped her, that she saw a bright future together, then discarded me like yesterday newspaper. Her last bf, apparently, became physically violent. Perhaps, she's a b*tch? Anyways, I feel stupid to have been played like that and sent her flowers on Valentines' Day. I get very mad and don't like it because I am not a violent person. I do olympic weightlifting, and weigh 220lbs. I'm 6'3". Maybe, I did scare her... I really hope that "what goes goes around, comes around". Any thoughts? Thank you!

[ParisPaulette]

It's totally normal. It means you're coming out of grief and/or numbness and you're waking up. Go to the gym, beat the crap out of a punching bag, run, journal, talk to your therapist. It will pass, but yes there's often a stage where one suddenly wakes up, realizes all the crap they were putting up with in a toxic relationship, and then goes into anger mode when they realize what they were putting up with.

 

As long as you process it, get help with that if need be, and then can move on from it you will be just fine.

[rainmistdb]

I had an intense anger day yesterday, too. When I got in touch with it, it felt so intense and then I felt all this hurt and disappointed for being mistreated. I had a good cry for a couple of hours. I think it's normal. Anger is a signal that something is wrong. But it is also a secondary emotion. Underneath, there are all the other feelings that are associated with why you are angry - all the hurt, disappointment, etc.,. The trick is to acknowledge and feel your anger but not to let it control you as it will just turn into bitterness and resentment holding no one back except yourself. Wanting to punish her and hoping she gets what she deserves is pretty normal when you feel angry at someone but if you hold on to that it will harm you. So work with your anger so that you can move on from it in a healthy,but don't hold on to it. Let go of it as much or as little as you can. Work on forgiveness, not for her, but for yourself. Jack Kornfield has a talk on forgiveness and a meditation on forgiveness that is really insightful and on youtube . You have such wonderful plans for yourself - don't allow this anger to turn you into someone that you don't want to be. Be well.

[Avro1986]

It's totally normal. It means you're coming out of grief and/or numbness and you're waking up. Go to the gym, beat the crap out of a punching bag, run, journal, talk to your therapist. It will pass, but yes there's often a stage where one suddenly wakes up, realizes all the crap they were putting up with in a toxic relationship, and then goes into anger mode when they realize what they were putting up with.

 

As long as you process it, get help with that if need be, and then can move on from it you will be just fine.

 

Thank you for your answer. Yes, I did realize the type of c*** I put up with. I am just angry that I felt guilty for things that I shouldn't have felt guilty for. I feel that I didn't

deserve to be treated that way. My psychologist told me that the lesson is to let people prove to you, by their actions, that they deserve your trust, not their words.

[ParisPaulette]

Your psychologist is wise, wise, wise. Even so don't beat yourself up. Many of us have been there at one time or another in our lives where we gave someone way too many passes on bad behavior that they didn't deserve or earn.

 

The best thing to do is learn from the experience, work on your own self-esteem and strength, and keep moving forward. You have reached a really important stage in developing your own boundaries and the idea that you want and deserve to be treated right. That's huge. Consider you are moving forward, not back.

[Avro1986]

Thank you! That's how I am starting to feel. Because of abandonment issues by my mother, once I got emotionally attached with a woman, I would bend heaven and earth to please them, to "prove" that I was worthy of being loved. This is something that I am discussing with my psychologist. I remember once telling my ex: "I'd like to be told more often that you care and love me". She answered: "Well, I am more traditional in the sense that I like to be courted. But if you need it, I'll make an effort." I was like

When we broke up, she said that she didn't like saying it, but kept complaining that she had never seen her parents kiss or express affection...

 

You're right, I feel that I reached a big milestone. I think that we reap what we sow. There is no way she will attract and RETAIN a loving, caring, and loyal husband with this attitude. No good man right in their mind would want to invest a life with such a woman. She kept telling me that she afraid of being alone at 30. Well...