Religion won.

[Sara87]

I’m a girl, met a girl online who lived over 3000 miles away, what started as late night chats transpired into daily phone calls and skype sessions. We spent a year fighting our feelings because she always said “I’m Jewish, good Jewish girls don’t fall for girls” she always felt it was so against her faith, she was embarrassed of these feelings.

 

Over the course of 22 months, we have met up many times and even though it was so tough and upsetting she did make changes. She went from never having acted upon her desires for women, she always said she never could, to slowly sleeping with one. She tried keeping me at a distant, but this past valentines, she bought me the cutest most thought out gifts ever.

 

First weekend in March, I was there for my birthday, we discussed a 10 day holiday next month and me moving to her for 3months in July. Even though she still maintained it was never going to be a forever thing, I could clearly see the changes in her. I did not want to push or demand things.

I was content with having this beautiful, smart, driven woman who was very sensible, never thought with her heart all to myself. And when she used to tell me things like “I never knew someone could love me like this” or “you make me happy” – I felt we were taking baby steps.

Very small, very little but steps all the same. I felt secure, I left her on my bday 9th March, sad but knowing we have some solid plans to look forward to.

 

March 16th – Residency match day for med students

She’s a 4th year med student, had applied for derm residencyand she didn’t get it, she was devastated, crying, upset, confused, sad… she’s basically someone who has been blessed with all the money /comforts in the world, with the greatest parents for support and an amazing circle of people in her life. She has never wanted for anything and to have something not go her way or feel rejected it basically turned her in to a robot.

 

March 20th – In the morning came on here for advice, on how to take a back seat, how to help her, how to be supportive and loving without suffocating her.

 

Throughout the day I left her to it, messaged a couple times when she woke up and she said she wanted to study so I left her to it. I’m 4 hours ahead I was at work and went to a works leaving do.

I get home pretty early, around 11.30pm, we’re on the phone – I suggest skype. And on skype she breaks up with me.

 

Starts off with saying its because she can’t do a relationship right now but then goes on to say its basically religion. We spend hours on the phone, me crying, I just felt so stupid. Where was her religion when exactly 2 weeks ago she was the one taking me to bed to thank me for the dinner I cooked? Where was the religion when we were making future plans?

 

Around 6am we hang up, after I’ve slept a little I go over to a friends to talk, I tell my friend I want to talk to J - I don’t wanna talk her round and really I don’t even want to be with her any more because every couple months she breaks up with me for a day or 2. Something difference needs to happen, I can’t let her walk over me. I wanted to talk mostly because I just felt 22 months can’t come to an end in one call.

 

Over the phone we talked about how if she had properly explained that this was for religion and religion only I would actually be more accepting of it. But where she was behaving cold, mean, saying things like “I feel disconnected from G-d and out of touch, I wanted to do something good” (good being break up from the relationship that is causing u to act in a sinful way). She even said she hadn’t planned to break up with me on skype but because she felt sort of numb and just ty, it seemed like the right time. I just felt so rejected like I wasn’t worthy of even a thought out decision.

Pretty much ended the call then.

 

Following day Sunday – Like a fool I’m still trying to get her to tell me she loves me and that this is only for religion. But I’m still not hearing what I want to hear so after about 45 mins of a phone call we decide to just chill out with these heavy deep conversations. Its been too emotional. We decide there’s no rules on contact, we can talk however, whatever but we need a breather.

 

That evening she initiates contact, she was doing a shift in the ER and text me saying “ I just got to the hospital, I’m glad we got to talk, I hope you’re having a good evening”

I reply something casual about yeah the conversation was interesting, a couple messages small talk, she replies I don’t. About 10 mins later she text saying “the doctor felt bad for me for not matching and is sending me home” I replied aww that’s nice.

That was Sunday 7pm, its now Tuesday 10.30am. no contact from either side.

 

This hurts so bad because I feel I don’t matter, I never did. I know she’s going through a lot but I went from being her best friend, the girl who she said she loved so much to feeling like a spare part that you don’t need. I know I deserve to be treated better so I’m not reaching out to her first.

 

Oh on that Sunday phone call, the last one we had, when she was being mean I said “if you don’t want me in your life anymore, just say so” and she went silent like she was thinking about it. I joked and said wow you’re an ass. I have a huge doctors appointment on Wed, like the most scariest thing I’ve ever gone through medical wise and she said how she wants to be there for me for it. I said “do u know how pathetic I feel, knowing the only person who knows about this appointment and the only person who can help me, is the same person who a moment ago was contemplating keeping me in their life?”

 

 

I guess, I’m just hurting, I hate feeling like I meant nothing. I spent all my savings on her, told so many lies to my family, gave her all of me, travelled from London to America for 2/3 nights just because she was sick. I know in my heart this isn’t her. Over the phone I told her, I wish you cared or felt an ounce of my hurt, she said I am hurting, every day I wake up feeling I’ve been kicked in the gut, I feel like I don’t know what’s happening with my life, she told me she’s no longer excited about graduating med school – something that one should be so happy and proud of. I know this isn’t her but man does it kill. It’s like we’re both hurting but for different ways.

[Sara87]

I guess I didn't really pose a question but I just wanted to advice/ opinions/ feedback? I’m trying my utmost hardest to not be the one to text her first. We always said our best case scenario would be to be in each others lives without any romantic feelings, the bond we had is just too strong to let pass by. She’s someone who’s a good friend but she’s a bit on the quiet side, gets overlooked in big crowds of friends, so when she has someone like me who loves her so unconditionally I know she’s always said she wouldn’t want to let it go.

 

I could text first because this isn’t an NC situation – I just for my pride kinda wanted her to first.

My big appointment is tomorrow at 8.40am… I’m hoping she remembers and messages tonight. When I got the appointments, I had two, one this wed, one next. I hope she messages tonight, so I see it/ speak to her before my appointment.

 

it really is the hardest most scariest thing ever for me.

[regular joe]

She has some deep seeded religious guilt that is messing with her mind. She enjoys it, but has been told that it is wrong. You can't change it, she has to deal with it and come to terms on it all by herself. I'm sad to say that it may never happen. The only thing you can do is go on with your life and if and when she is ready and can come to grips with it, it will happen.

[Sara87]

She has some deep seeded religious guilt that is messing with her mind. She enjoys it, but has been told that it is wrong. You can't change it, she has to deal with it and come to terms on it all by herself. I'm sad to say that it may never happen. The only thing you can do is go on with your life and if and when she is ready and can come to grips with it, it will happen.

 

it is genuinely driving me crazy. I know she'd prefer to live a life with someone who doesn't make her as happy as I do than go against her faith and be with me.

Right now i'm not sure if I feel sad because I've lost the love of my life or more angry that I feel like I meant nothing to her.

 

I know this failing at getting in to a residency program was the trigger she needed to get rid of me, to feel like she's regaining control of her life, but it just isn't fair. We had a disagreement in Feb and I feel like if I had known she was still capable of dropping me so easily I never would have gone to see her for my birthday. I never would have become more emotionally invested, I never would have lied to our family and friends, I never would have treated her like my world.

[mhowe]

Has she come out to her family?

[Sara87]

Has she come out to her family?

 

Nope - to no one.

she's 26, she told me when she was 20 and in college she had a few crushes on some girls, she then spent a semester at sea and when she came back she was so lost and confused. she hated liking girls, she was the only one in her group of friends who wasn't 21 yet so they were all partying and she wasn't... that's when she turned to religion.

 

she comes from what I would say not just a Jewish family but a Jewish community, her mum is the vice president for FIDF, she literally didn't have any non Jewish friends growing her, her mum will say things like "I feel so sorry for Mrs X - her son married a non Jew" or " I wouldn't want to be Mr and Mrs X their daughter is 30 and not married" - Thats what she competes with.

 

The weird thing is her parents eat non kosher, they eat shellfish and pork - she doesn't. I know its hardly a religious scale but she says things like they're more proud of keeping up traditions of the faith/community more than the religion itself. Although I think for her it is more religious.

[mhowe]

My best friend from college is Jewish ---- by culture and by religion. And she married a Catholic.

 

I think that the demise of your relationship has less to do with the Jewish religion and much more to do with disclosing her sexual orientation to her parents. HEer parents seem to be involved culturally in their heritage, and are non Kosher --- and while many parents can be liberal minded about the "concept" of homosexual rights and acceptance --- it is, as I am sure you know ---- not easily accepted by many families.

[Sara87]

My best friend from college is Jewish ---- by culture and by religion. And she married a Catholic.

 

I think that the demise of your relationship has less to do with the Jewish religion and much more to do with disclosing her sexual orientation to her parents. HEer parents seem to be involved culturally in their heritage, and are non Kosher --- and while many parents can be liberal minded about the "concept" of homosexual rights and acceptance --- it is, as I am sure you know ---- not easily accepted by many families.

 

 

I'm Muslim - trust me I know about acceptance. Maybe I'm a romantic at heart or an idiot but even though I actually would have completely lost 99% of my family I would have taken that plunge with her.

Even though me and her weren't quite ready for serious commitment, I knew I would and could. I was just very careful not to put pressure on her.

 

She has told me in the past that sometimes she would catch herself dreaming of a future with me and that she'd put herself in check.

I know she has to have some time out etc now, but my biggest pain isn't from the end of my relationship, because eventhough she has been my favourite my happiest relationship - that wasn't the best part of us. The connection, love, interaction, friendship were the things I treasured the most. And I know she always wished if we ended that we could be friends, its what she wanted the most, or be the same minus a physical relationship, I'm just miserable because I feel like absolutely nothing I ever said or did or compromised, mattered at all.

[mhowe]

Are you out to your family? It sounds like maybe not.

 

 

I don't think that what you said/did or felt didn't matter. It just is much too difficult to come out and risk everything she has known.

 

What did you have to compromise?

[Sara87]

My family know but think it’s a phase or I guess are hoping it’s a phase. If I told them I love this girl I'm moving in with her, it wouldn't be a shock to them but just a let down.

 

I was the one who spent the time energy and money flying over. I feel like I was the one who was lying to my family because she lives in Detroit, so do both my mums sisters and 9 cousins. I flew over there multiple times and didn't tell anyone I was even crossing the Atlantic let alone in the same city as my family.

 

I feel I haven’t slept properly in 22 months because of the time difference. I feel I just did everything to cater to her needs.

[mhowe]

I am sorry for what you are going through --- and I mean the pain, not the "phase".

 

The kind of lopsided effort on your part should have been a warning sign that her investment in the relationship did not equal yours. I understand she was in med school and possibly your time commitments allowed the travel...but your emotional, physical and financial investment was far greater.

 

In the future --- catering to anothers needs above one's own is not a sign of love, but imbalance.

[Sara87]

A few friends told me not to see her so often especially when sometimes she would get confused and hurt me. But the truth is, I would not stop trying because truly nothing made me happier than her but also I believe you have to keep working on something until you yourself feel like you have reached your limit. Otherwise you'll always wonder.

 

Love sucks.

[mhowe]

You don't need to keep working on something nor "fight" for love. Love doesn't suck. It is actually very empowering.

 

What sucks is when you know there is an imbalance and you keep doing/spending/acting in a way that does not support YOU.

[Sara87]

True but I guess I'm saying I couldn't let go of her until I knew I had tried my best to make it work.

 

Like right now I wouldn't take her back, no chance. But I had to do whatever I had to do, to get to this stage.

 

You're right, love doesn't suck. Loving the wrong person sucks.

[mhowe]

True but I guess I'm saying I couldn't let go of her until I knew I had tried my best to make it work.

 

Like right now I wouldn't take her back, no chance. But I had to do whatever I had to do, to get to this stage.

 

You're right, love doesn't suck. Loving the wrong person sucks.

 

Yup ---- it really does. Now you are free to find the right person.

[Sara87]

It's so hard to move on from someone who at the core as a person you love. Remove the religion battle and there's nothing I dont like about her. When we're together, just us, we don't fight or have problems, we don't annoy each other or get irritated at all.

I love everything and somehow I'm meant to let her go because of religion. Something that isn't as important to me.

[mhowe]

It isn't a religion battle....the religion is a smoke screen. I think it is much more a "coming out" concern and dealing with the repurcussions.

 

You are meant to let her go because she was never as committed as you were. That is what the crux of the issue is --- you are willing to move to be with her, willing to come out to your family.

 

She isn't willing to do anything of the sort. And I think that having a partner that lives 3000 miles away makes the time you spend together unrealistic because both parties just want to enjoy it and not deal with the deeper issues.

 

Because both of you being closeted is a very deep issue for the continuation of a relationship.

[Sara87]

Is it not the same thing? Religion / culture are the deep down issues she has with coming out - they are what are stopping her from being mine.

 

Anyway I do not want a debate, just hurting a lot and missing her like crazy.

[mhowe]

Telling her parents she is a lesbian is likely the issue. Her parents are not kosher Jews --- and the Jewish faith is arguably much more tolerant than others.

 

Religion and culture is not stopping her from being yours. She is stopping herself from being with you.

 

I know it is easier to accept "outside forces" than to place the blame at her feet. But that is where it belongs.

 

YOU face the same issues. You are Muslim, and your parents don't agree w/ your orientation. That wasn't going to stop you.

 

And it is normal to hurt, and to miss her. But idealizing and shifting the true reason --- will make the hurt last longer.

[regular joe]

Sara87 you just need to go on with your life. All your going to do right now is beat yourself up over her and make yourself sick. Until, she is ready to be who she is whether that be straight, gay or bi she will never be ready to be with anyone and be happy.