Do you always know when something is 'off'?

[Madamdiva007]

I'm not really sure the best way to phrase this question, so I'm hoping it makes sense.

 

Do you guys think there's always some sort of 'sense' or 'knowing' when you're being lied to by your SO? Or do you truly believe there are occasions when a person is completely blindsided by their partners lies, infidelities, etc.?

 

I'm just wondering if the gut feeling is always there to some degree and it's denial keeping a person from the truth, or people really are that good at lying and hiding things.

[cbh1979]

I'm sure there are occasions when people are completely blindsided. There are pathological liars out there that believe what they peddle, and they learn how to be convincing. But personally, I've always had some sense of when something is off. There has always been a change in behavior, change in how they spoke to me, or some other tell.

[relevart]

Do you guys think there's always some sort of 'sense' or 'knowing' when you're being lied to by your SO?

No, of course not.

 

Or do you truly believe there are occasions when a person is completely blindsided by their partners lies, infidelities, etc.?

Certainly.

 

I'm just wondering if the gut feeling is always there to some degree and it's denial keeping a person from the truth, or people really are that good at lying and hiding things.

And sometimes gut feelings are wrong. Life isn't really as neatly wrapped up as this post seems to long for. Sometimes a unwarranted paranoia or insecurity wraps itself up as a gut feeling when really nothing is wrong.

[Unreasonable]

^ What Relevart said.

[leseine7]

Yes.

 

I've always been sure not to make huge decisions off that feeling, but looking back, yep - it was always there, and it was always right.

 

This is why I meditate now, haha. To try and decipher clearly when it's fear and when it's intuition. My favorite word of advice on that was someone said to me 'when it's intuition, it's a deeper sense of just knowing, literally like in the pit of your stomach there's a heaviness. When it's just fear, it's all your head spinning and buzzing and feeling confused.'

 

The gut feeling told me when I was for sure being cheated on, and while it was painful, it was my best friend in the long run and has helped me navigate moving on. People usually aren't THAT good at lying and hiding things, but they can be good at distracting you from seeing it for awhile. If something seems weird, it warrants a second look within the endorphin-haze.

[Denguin]

I don't think gut feelings are the be all and end all, but they do give an indication that something is "off". It's a subconscious reaction to some sort of change we're picking up on.

 

Of course, as others have said, they are liable to be wrong. It depends on your personality, what's happened, and how you think/analyze things. If a generally easy-going person suddenly got a gut feeling that something was wrong, then something probably would be. However, if someone who's constantly paranoid did, I'd question that a little more.

 

With regards to blindsiding, yes, of course people can be blindsided. Whenever it comes to relationships, there is never an answer that holds 100% true.

 

Is there something perhaps you're having a gut feeling about...?

[Madamdiva007]

Well, actually I'm not having a gut feeling about it and that's what is confusing me. I found out a minor situation happened with my husband while I was out of town and although it's really bothering me and I'm upset about it, I really don't feel like anything bad happened. I feel like he's being honest with me. But then I start worrying that maybe I'm trying to make myself believe that and I'm in denial.

 

I don't want to let him off the hook for something that may have happened, but I also don't want to keep persecuting him for something that didn't happen, when he actually did do the right thing and is telling me the truth.

 

And just to be fair, I am one of those who is constantly paranoid/worried. So I'm not quite sure a gut feeling really holds much ground with me.

[Fudgie]

Can you elaborate on what happened?

 

I agree, "gut feeling" does not work for you. I'm a bit familiar with your postings here and I know that you struggle with being insecure and worried. Someone who is VERY anxious and tends to fly off into worrying and being paranoid, I would NOT tell them to follow their gut feeling. Because then they will always assume the worst and will be sick with worry.

 

For you, I think it would help to try and remain calm and rational. Look at the evidence. Look at his actions. Look at what others are telling you about him. See how it pieces together. That way, if you feel he's lying, you make sure that you have "concrete" evidence of it and can figure out what to do from there. Not going off of a "gut feeling" when it may actually be nothing.

 

So what's going on?

[Madamdiva007]

I left the country for 10 days to go back home to visit my family. My husband stayed behind. I knew he was going to be going out a lot, drinking and socializing with his friends. When I came back, we were talking and I half-jokingly asked him if anyone tried to pick him up while I was gone. He told me that the first night I was gone a girl bought him a drink because she thought he was cute. He politely told her thanks but no thanks, I'm married and I can't accept this. Then he left.

 

A few days later it came up again and this time there was a lot more to the story. Apparently it was a bartender who worked there who bought him the drink. He told her he couldn't accept it, and the other bartender (who has seen me with him) asked him if he was even single. He said no, he is married. But he paid for the drink and drank it. Then he left. Several hours later he was walking home and walked by the bar again, the bartender who had hit on him was standing outside and made some comment about him stalking her. He said no, he was just walking home. She told him to go inside and get a drink so he did. He then told me that 2 days later he went to another bar in the same area (owned by the same company) and she was working there, with one of his best friends. His buddy pulled him aside and asked him what he was doing going on a 'friend date' with her, my husband got really confused and didn't understand what that meant, pulled the girl aside and told her that it couldn't go anywhere, he was married. My husband said that took care of everything and that was it.

 

I let it go, but was bothered that he had told her 'it couldn't go anywhere'. I was thinking, why would he say that if there was nothing to go anywhere? So I talked to his friend last night and he told me that the first night they had met, my husband and this girl had made plans to have some sort of 'friend date', but the next day my husband came to his senses and contacted her somehow and canceled it. My husband says he doesn't remember any of that happening, but he was pretty drunk so it is possible, he said. He looked through his phone (I didn't) and he said that he didn't find any texts or calls to or from this girl.

 

So I really don't know what to believe. I guess at the end of the day it doesn't really matter because he did the right thing by not meeting up with her and by telling her he was married, but I'm bothered by the fact that I'm getting a slightly different story from both sides. I don't feel like he did anything wrong, but I also believed the first story he told me. And the more I think about this the more it drives me insane and I keep coming up with all these different scenarios in my head.

 

I know I can't keep bringing it up, I have to let it go, but it's driving me crazy. I just want to know what really happened.

[Madamdiva007]

Ugh, the more I think about things the more upset I get and the more I think there's more to this than I'm being told. But I don't know if that's just my mind making myself believe what it wants to, or if there is truly something I'm missing. I don't want to keep bringing this up in case he is telling me the truth, but I feel so down and miserable about it.

[mhowe]

You can bring it up. You can thank him for being honest and telling you about it --- but would like to talk about what may be lacking in your relationship that made him even entertain it.

 

I have been to bars without my SO, and while I have talked to people --- I would never in a million years agree to meet up with them somewhere.

[Madamdiva007]

Thank you, mhowe. His side is that meeting up never came up, he said if it did then he doesn't remember it. But I don't know why I'm getting a different side from his friend, I suppose it's possible this girl could be lying and is making the whole meet up thing up. But I'm not quite sure why she'd do that. Someone is lying here.

[mhowe]

Are you sure you can trust his friend? I would wonder why he is insinuating himself into this.

[Madamdiva007]

Well, actually no, not completely. He has a history of being somewhat of a liar and a cheat himself. He was married before and cheated on his ex-wife a few times. I like him to a certain degree because he's a nice and outgoing guy, but he's not someone I would ever really trust. My friend is dating him and I know they've had some issues of their own with him talking to other women. So it's quite possible he made up the part of my husband making plans with this girl. I don't know her either so it's possible she did too, or maybe took something my husband said and turned it into something it wasn't. I guess there are a lot of different possibilities and scenarios. I figured the friend just said something because he is such good friends with my husband and works with this girl and she was telling him what was going on or what had happened, and he wanted to put a stop to it before my husband did anything stupid.

[mhowe]

If he is a cheater than I wouldn't presume he was trying to stop anything. Maybe he has designs on the girl...and the girl had designs on your hubby...which he declined and his friend is trying to cause a problem.

[Fudgie]

Like mhowe said, the friend doesn't sound credible at all. He has a history of being a cheater and yet he's trying to be "noble" and stop your husband from going on a "Friend date" with this bartender? Yeah, okay. Sounds hokey to me.

 

I would let it slide, personally, and see what else happens. I am curious, though, why you would choose to be with a man who is a partier/bar goer when you continually struggle with insecurity and paranoia problems. I am not someone who is insecure and I still wouldn't want to be with someone who parties a lot.

[Madamdiva007]

Well we both were big into the party scene when we met, I used to go out all the time. It's something we both enjoyed doing together, and he has always included me in it. The only reason I stopped is because I'm now pregnant. He has slowed down significantly, he hardly goes out anymore. Occasionally he'll go out now and I do sometimes join him just for the company. His reasoning for going out so much while I was away was because he was bored and it was a way to pass time.

[mhowe]

I think you need to put it behind you. And trust the father of your child. Not the troublemaking cheater friend.