Not over it 10 months later - please advise

[camilla67]

I have been reading these posts for the past few days and I'm afraid I'm 10 months too late to start doing anything that can salvage my relationship. 10 months ago, my bf of 3 years and I broke up b/c he said he could not give more of himself to the relationship. He realized that he has treated me poorly but says that with his new business and other stress and changes in his life and schedule, he cannot be a good bf to me. We continued to hang out for the next 8 months (i.e. hooking up, etc) but every time I mentioned our relationship, he was adamant that we could not be together right now. I asked him if he could say that we were never going to get back together but he said that he didn't know and could not say anything definite about the future. He went on business trip for a month and when he came back, was distant and never contacted me. Finally, I IMed him to give him some good news about me and we had a pleasant conversation. Suddenly, 2 weeks ago, he is completely distant and did not return my text message or phone call. I suspect that he is seeing someone by now and I ask to see him to pick up some things of mine. When he arrives, I ask him why the sudden distance and he says that it was just time. That being away for a month gave him the momentum to not contact me and he continued with it. I ask him why the sudden clarity and if he can say for sure now that we will never be together and he replies, "Yes, I don't think we will get back together." I am livid and ask if he is dating. He says, "Yes." So I am angry at him and ask him why he lied to me about not being able to date at this point in his life and why he strung me along for 10 months. And I cried. He says that it is hard to see me b/c he forgets all the bad times and only thinks about the good times but that he cannot be a good bf to me for whatever reason and so he cannot be with me. So now that he has a new gf or at least someone that he is dating regularly, is it over? I imagine if he waited 10 months to start dating again, it must not be a rebound. My friends have all said the same thing as these posts – that I need to move on and focus on myself and that is the only way that he will ever regret his decision. Or that he was a bad bf and that I should not concern myself with him. But I still love him and him dating again has been devastating but it was something that has helped me to let go a bit…We ended it by me saying that we could not be friends b/c he is a bad friend to me (he never contacted me to find out about what was going on in my life…and he forgot my birthday!!!)….And he apologized and said that after some distance, he wants to be a better friend to me, but I was too angry at him. So I am guessing that he will never contact me again…And I'm too hurt right now and angry that I have decided to cut him out as well….Is there hope? Oh yeah, I'm also moving in 2 months to travel for 4 months and then start a new job in a city 2 hours away….Seems hopeless now…

[tiger_lilies]

I'm sorry that you are in this position. From your post, it sounds like you are having a hard time accepting the reality of this situation. He has told you bluntly that there is no future for the both of you. You have to ACCEPT that. Stop hoping for something that is no longer there. You can't control his feelings, only your own. And if you continue to hope that there might be something left for friendship, then I'm sorry to say, but you are fooling yourself.

 

It will take time for you to get over him...and a lot of soul searching in between.

 

 

And I'm too hurt right now and angry that I have decided to cut him out as well….Is there hope? Oh yeah, I'm also moving in 2 months to travel for 4 months and then start a new job in a city 2 hours away….Seems hopeless now…

 

That says it all right there! It sounds like he has to hurt you or else you won't understand. Cutting off contact is the best thing for you right now. I think it's a really good thing that you are moving away. This is the perfect opportunity for you to be away from everything that reminds you of him. You can focus on new things and new people.

[Hope75]

Camilla,

 

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time.

 

It would seem that from your post that your ex is pretty certain it is over, and it does sound like your friends are right, it is time for you to move on and focus on yourself.

 

It is really tough when a guy strings you along. Although he didn't rule it out in the 8 months you hung out together, it sounds like he was not really interested in pursuing or trying to repair the relationship.

 

I think his excuse of "not being a good bf to you" is cowardice but for whatever reason he didn't see a future for the two of you.

 

If he keeps pulling away and not contacting you, and showing little to no interest in your life (your birthday, for example) I think it's pretty clear that his heart is just not in it.

 

The good news is with your move, traveling and new job coming up you have plenty to keep you busy, and away from him.

 

Try to enjoy this time with no strings attached, and when you settle in 6 months of so after your traveling, who knows who you might meet?

 

Best of luck!

[camilla67]

That was 10 days ago and I have calmed down. I've cried. I've been angry. And now I feel defeated. I could never get him to feel the way I wanted him to when we were together, I dont know why I think I can now. Anyways, after some thought, I wrote him an email. I wrote that I am trying to not be angry at him and that I have also been in his shoes and everyone deserves to find happiness. When I met him, I didnt care about my ex and so I cannot be angry at him for that. As for stringing me along? I guess I strung myself along...But having said that, I told him that friendship is not possible right now and that I needed time to open myself up to letting other people in my life. Then I told him about how I've reflected on us and I know what my faults were also, and that they are things that I hope will help in my next relationship.

 

Was this a bad idea? I didnt expect a reply and I didnt get one...Does he even care? I wonder what he thinks when he reads it...ARGH! I am trying so hard not to be angry but reading these replies saddens me...Was I completely blind to everything...My friend says that he did love me but he's probably not ready to love me right now...I just wish it would all end...Why does he get to move on first????

[ajk]

he gets to 'move on' first because YOU are the stronger person. remember that!!!!

 

i think your email was fine...just really really really try to NOT think about it. stop yourself every time you wonder what he is thinking or what his response is, or whether he cares.

 

you will have great experiences in the next several months, and you will need to keep yourself open to them.

 

even if he is dating someone, it doesn't mean he will be a good bf to them. just remember that he has faults (cowardice, etc.) and he won't be perfect to someone else after cheating you out of the love you deserve.

 

if there were any 'deal breakers' in how he was to you (cheating, abuse, etc.), anything that may be a deal breaker for *you* personally (dishonesty, etc.), remember that you deserve to have a life with someone who would treat you better and not do those things. i don't know what the problems were, exactly, maybe they were subtle ones, but if you reflect on that and come up with what HIS problems were, maybe you can see that he wasn't right for you?

 

i know it still hurts, and it doesn't mean that one day he won't regret this or that he won't often regret hurting you. your friend's advice sounds like it may be accurate, but remember that you deserve to be with someone who *gives* you love, not someone who just *feels* love for you, but isn't equipped to give it...

 

i know it's all so painful. i am very sorry. just take these next few months to take care of yourself and develop yourself in new ways, and you will feel much, much better.

[kungfumaster]

Hello Camilla,

 

To be honest, I think what he did was cruel, and apparently, you did it too in your past relationship? The thing is, when someone breaks up with you, it is cruel for them to try to "string you along" and give hope that there might be hope for the future, "just not now" - what the [bad word goes here] is that? If he really did care for you, he should be a man (or woman) and just say its not going to work out from the beginning instead of leaving a carrot for you just in case he changes his mind. It is a trite but true fact in the cases of break ups that if you are the dumper, "you need to be cruel to be nice" is in fact true.

 

You see, if he really cared for you, he would not have left you hanging like that - it keeps the dumpee from healing and moving on. Even right now, its hard for you to move on. You cannot even get really angry, and you are not allowing yourself to get angry, and that's not healthy. Get angry! Its part of the healing process - you have to feel all your emotions and just let them be for true healing to begin.

 

Anyways though, it is a good thing that you're taking a trip and that you have a new job coming up - congratulations by the way. The trip will help immensely I know, and good luck in your new job!

 

Take care.

Kung fu

[camilla67]

No...I never strung my exes along but I did date someone else (him) soon after breaking up with an ex, which hurt my him alot...But never strung anyone along like that....I just don't understand how someone can say that they care for me so much hurt me like this...What angers me is that he claims that he came to this clarity on his own but in fact, it took meeting another girl for him to think that we have no future...It angers me to think about how careless he handled me...

 

As a background, we fell intensely in love with each other...then did long-distance...and i moved to be with him...and became dependent/clingy...had difficult time adjusting to different country...he was unsupportive...and it just fell apart...moved back to the U.S..he was super sweet a few months before breakup...then had stupid argument...i was unyielding...then he realized that he has been a bad bf to me...then decided that he couldnt change at this point in his life...so i dunno...it seems that he realized that he was treating me poorly, and that is why he was being sweet right before breakup...i guess it was too much effort to be kind to me...and i guess i had too much resentment built up...when we broke up, he reflected on the times that we tried to make fresh starts in our relationship...and he said, "how could we start over if we never ended things?" *sigh*

[annie24]

….Is there hope? Oh yeah, I'm also moving in 2 months to travel for 4 months and then start a new job in a city 2 hours away….Seems hopeless now…

 

I think that there is a lot of hope ... for you! As for this guy, it's done and over with. I don't think any e-mails will change his mind. From what you wrote, it just seems like he fell out of love with you, and didn't have the guts to just say it to your face. How pathetic.

 

Anyways, but you're going to be traveling and moving soon! That is a great opportunity to start your life over. I think it will be easier to move on if you don't have to walk by the cafe where you and your ex would have lunch, or the movie theater where you went on your first date, or other stuff like that. A change of scenery will do you good! I know... it's really really rough. But, I think you will come out a stronger person.

 

My old college roomate was in a sorta similar situation. Her bf of 2 years broke up with her. She was so upset, she decided to do an internship for a semester 3000 miles away. She had a great time, learned lots of new things, and is now engaged to a guy she met during the internship! So, things worked out for the best. I hope things work out well for you too!

 

Take care and be strong!

[DragonGirl724]

camilla,

 

i am sooooooooooooooo sorry to hear about your story. my ex broke up w/ me for the same reasons, he strung me along for about 8months too, or maybe it was me overanalyzing & THINKING he was stringing me along...never the less we kept in contact he still said how great i am, how one day hell come back if im around & how id be a wonderful wife to him & how great i treated him etc....but gave the same BS runaround reason: 'i cant be a good bf right now bla bla bla' he may be telling the truth but im sorry you fell for his lines & had sex w/ him during this time. i hope for future reference you dont make that same mistake....

 

at the end of your post you said: "Is there hope? Oh yeah, I'm also moving in 2 months to travel for 4 months and then start a new job in a city 2 hours away….Seems hopeless now…"

 

girl, hope right now should be hope towards a better future for yourself & BY ALL MEANS YES THERE IS A BUNCH OF HOPE FOR YOUR FUTURE. between a new job, traveling & so on your future looks exciting, bright & full of new people that are going to playa role in your life. be happy & excited your life is goin to be so fulfilling & adventurous.

 

screw him though hes your past. he is your ex for a reason hun & i know youre hurting its perfectly normal but keep looking ahead in life. my ex played childish mind games w/ me too simply b/c he was too cowardly to step up to the plate & tell me whats up like a man! the same with yor ex & you need someone more of a man for you, a man that you found out 10 months later that he clearly is NOT ....

 

"Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,

Somebody who gave a damn,

Somebody more like myself."- Jewel "Foolish Games"

 

i wish you all the best & keep your head held high. surround yourself with people who TRULY DO LOVE YOU, go out live life, dance & smile & dont listen to sappy music.

 

-DG724

[SwEeTLiLGuRL]

I completely understand what you are going through, I have my own story posted on here as well, but same thing we were together almost 6 years and then we had a stupid fight and it ended it all. But there was more to it then that of course. But after the break we had to finish out our lease for a month while I got to sit home and see him go out and date. Well 2 months after the break up and he told me that he really likes this girl and they are exclusively in a relationship. Even after telling me that though we still fooled around. But honestly it's probably the worst idea in the world, and that is why you are dealing with it now 10 months later, cause you never had to deal with him not being there in the first place. This was the hardest thing for me to realize and it's been 3 months since my break, but not talking to him and not seeing him helps. My ex told me these exact words "He knows for sure of many things in life and one of those is that we will NEVER, EVER get back together." Mind you yes people say things in anger, but you can't hold onto that and just need to take it for face value. Keep in mind he may still try to contact you, my ex still does about the stupidest things. I believe in No Contact to a certain extent. I really don't think you should ignore them as this person did hold a special part in your life. But you have to remember it is just that a "part" not your whole life. I'm going to be honest with you though, I'm not up at 4 in the morning for anything. Jusy recently my ex let me know he changed his phone #, and you know what he didn't give me the new one, and since I haven't contacted him in over a week, he had to let me know that. And I guess this is bothering me cause I keep thinking about him being with this girl, and never having a thought in the world about me. But it's their little way of keeping an upper hand. So really I know it's hard, but you just need to move on with your life. Get a black box and whatever momentos, pictures and things like that you still have put them in there, and put it somewhere you won't touch it, even a friends house. Then go out and hang out with friends and do the things you enjoyed before the relationship. I have such a new appreciation for my friends that I feel they really got neglected cause I put so much energy into the relationship. And for me my family really helped me with this. Surround yourself by people you know that love you. I can't speak for the future as I'm not even at your 10 months yet, but people have told me it gets better, and you deserve nothing less!

[saren]

I entirely agree. I've felt the exact same as you, and even I don't know where to go either. How to let go....

 

But I'm envious of your opportunity to travel. Take that and make the best you can out of it.