lolabelle Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 I know that we cant be friends yet, and after 4 months im not over it. I wouldnt normally be bothered about keeping in touch or remaining friends with an ex but rhis time its different. last year i lost my dad, me and my ex were away on holiday in turkey when it happened and it was the worst experience of my life. We were so in love at that time and we had had an amazing 3 days together until it all came crashing down. He was unbelievable, took care of me, sorted flights home and was just wonderful. Times were hard after that, my mum got ill then i lost my nan too 4 months later. He went through it all with me, by my side. It took its toll eventually and he fell out of love with me. The breakup was hard but not particularly messy, he moved on fast...very fast and ive done my best to keep things amicable..(ive had a few slip ups, but for the most part) i of course hate that he is with someone else but theres nothing i can do about that. We are on speaking terms, if i wamted.to talk to him it would be fine, but im choosing not to right now, as it does still hurt. Im finding hard to let him go, forever that i always have with other exes, he was there with me that night in turkey when i got the news that my dad wasnt going to last the night. Theres only him that can ever know whatg i went through. Im always gonna remember that night and that feeling, and the following day when i finally got the horrible news that hed gone. How can i forget that. We have discussed it and he feels the same, at first we promised we would stay friends, but of course we all know thats impossible...to begin with certainly. Now i feel like ive lost him forever. Im worried ill never be over him in that way and we will never be in each others lives. Wen the times come when i think of that horrible event he will always be there, how can i not know him? It hurts even more. Is there anyone out there that has managed to maintain a relashionship with an ex? I guess it takes time huh? Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 The death is still raw, but in time having whomever was with you when you heard the news is not going to matter. Instead of focusing on that night...focus on the great memories you had with your dad. This is about your connection with your dad, not your ex. Link to comment
lolabelle Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 It does matter tho. All the rest of my family were together. I was a million miles away. I need someone to share that with, and theres only him. Its easy to say dont focus on certain things, but these are what important to me, and it wasnt just one death, he carried my nans coffin, him and his family did alot for me. Hes not just another ex... Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 No, you don't need someone to share it with...he shared it at the time. You are looking for an excuse to stay connected. He was in your life at a time of loss. That doesn't make him obligated to you to stay in your forever. Link to comment
lolabelle Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 Im not looking for an excuse to stay connected. I have accepted our breakup, wenhave both moved on in our own ways its not about that. I feel i need someone to share that with, someone who understands. I am asking if anyone had succesfully remained friends with an ex, if it happens and its possible. Theres.nothing wrong with wanting him to keep him in my life because.of this. Im not trying to get back together, that shipnhas sailed...and sunk. Link to comment
quirky Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 I understand how you may feel, sharing those memories, a bond that shaped who you are today, and from what you describe it sounds like he was your home in some sense, more than just being a boyfriend. It may feel like suffering another loss along with the ones of your dad and nan. I think it is possible but it takes time. It is even more possible if the sexual chemistry wasn't the paramount element of the relationship. I have some sort of contact with my ex now but it is after 3 years. I wouldn't consider him good friend but there is something to be said about sharing life changing events with people. It took 3 years for me because the breakup wasn't what I desired at the time and I held on to anger and disappointment for quite some time. At the beginning my life felt colourless and my sense of home was very fragmented (I live abroad so my family is not near, he was like surrogate family if that makes sense). Everyone else seemed boring or not able to understand the layers of me that he understood. But it is because of time. With time new people will get to know you in a deep way too if you let them. I think what is important for now is to spend time healing, rediscover yourself, who you are today after those losses and start slowly opening up your social circle, find support and enthusiasm in other people. When the time comes, when all past feelings have been overcome, then you can see if and how you want to re establish a relationship on new grounds. Link to comment
lolabelle Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 I have alot of friends, who i can talk to. And theyve been there for me too. I guess i do feel more attatched to him because this happened but i cant help that. And no hes not obligated to do anything but i know he does care about me still, i was his first love and as much as we dont speak right now its not because we hate each other. We still care for each other alot and i hope a good friendship can be possible. Maybe its hard to undersrand if it hasnt happened to you. Link to comment
Denguin Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Nothing is black and white, and I think unfortunately things on this forum get a little skewed. Since we are on a forum where break-ups are a prominent topic, the ex is typically labelled as "the enemy". Completely understandable, of course... I've read about a lot of crappy exes on this forum. To answer your question, I truly do think it's entirely possible to remain friends with an ex. Some people are definitely worth keeping in our lives in some way, shape, or form. Your ex sounds like he was a very caring person, and regardless of how things have panned out, I'm sure he will always care about you (and vice-versa). It would definitely be nice to keep someone like that around. I am decent friends with one of my exes to date. We don't necessarily keep in touch on a regular basis, but we do catch up several times a year and support each other through rough times. I think she is amazing... I really like her personality, and she's one of the few people I would trust with my life if I ever had to. That said, it's important to evaluate the circumstances leading up to it. With this ex, we shared a relationship of just under a year, but had known each other for a very long time. She moved accross the continent, and distance slowly led to us both losing feelings for each other. We mutually broke up, took some time apart, and moved on to other people. We don't have any feelings for each other at all anymore. Circumstances don't necessarily define whether you can/cannot remain friends with an ex... They simply make it easier or more difficult. Now, you've made important observations in saying you're not over this ex. I'm not over my most recent ex, and as much as I'd like to keep her in my life as well, I know that contacting her right now isn't a good idea. Every time she might not get back to me or not bother to carry a conversation on with me would serve as a reminder that I'm no longer that person she turns to for that. I'd imagine the same would happen for you. Also, a common ulterior motive for keeping the ex as a friend is a hope to reconcile. All that does is give you false hope, and I think it's pretty clear where things go from there. I think you can indeed look forward to a friendship with this guy some day. But right now you need to dig deep and save yourself from inflicting more pain than necessary upon yourself. Time will help you get over him, and eventually you'll be able to float the idea of being his friend. May I ask how long you were together? Also, how long since you've avoided talking to him? Link to comment
lolabelle Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 A year and a half, its been about 3 weeks since i last spoke to him, it was about 3-4 weeks before that, then a coupke of weeks before that and the same again before that. We left it on good terms but i have nothing to contact him for right now and im not gonna just send him texts saying hi how are you. He has contacted me on and off too. Id say all in all the contact has been minimal over the last 4 months. I did want to reconcile at first but things are clearer now. He is very caring and hes told me.countless times how much he cares. After everything he wojld be kindof a monster if he didnt. I cant be happy for him in his current relationship as i dont likenthe girl or the circumsrances, but im.hopeful it will run its course and i can be happy for him in thr future. I believe were meant to be together ....maybe not in a romantic way but we were too good to let it all go compleatly, and like i said, after everything i feel like i need him in my life eventually Link to comment
Denguin Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 It sounds like you need to sever all connection to this guy for now. Having contact with him every few weeks is bringing back all the feelings you had for him. The way you worded your post makes it seem to me that you're lying to yourself about not wanting to reconcile with him. Go no contact, and give it time. There's no possibility of ever fostering a genuine friendship with this person if you cannot be happy for him with someone else. If you were truly his friend, you would be happy that he's found someone else. After all, that makes him happy, does it not? This is letting go completely... For now. I know how horrible it sounds and how hard it is to do, but take it from someone who was in your shoes not too long ago... It's one of the best decisions I've ever made. Link to comment
shessofly Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 i would guess it is possible after a lot of time has passed and you are completely over him and the breakup AND can be happy/indifferent about any new relationships they are in. my ex was with me through the sudden passing of my best friend. he's the last thing i think about when she crosses my mind. usually something that happens that triggers a memory of her. i miss her so much but i don't dwell on the moment when the bad news was received, the funeral, etc...my thoughts of her are always the pleasant ones. he was very supportive through that time and i appreciated it, but until i read this i never thought of him in terms of his connection to that moment, if that makes sense. i guess we all process things differently. i can tell you this, even if i wanted to be friends with him i am still not ready for that...and this summer will mark 2 years of being broken up. so you've got a ways to go. we have been complete and total NC since a few weeks after the b/u. i am thankful for the silence. sorry for your loss. Link to comment
lolabelle Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 I can assure you im not lying to myself about a reconciliation. And i have already said i wont be contacting him....in not happy for his current relationship for a reason...its the person in particular that bothers me. Mayne one day i wont care. My last ex of 4 years took me about 6 months to get over...till i stopped caring. We lived together and i was destroyed, but eventually i didnt care. I necer had any interest in keeping contact, as close as we had been, inwalked away and that was that. Its juat not rhat easy this time, this love was different, i was close with his family and we were like two peas in a pod. Not to mention everything we went through. This time i just feel differently about wanting to let go. Im not gonna contact him but im not gonna ignore him if he contacts me. I got over all my old exes, i have no residual feelings for any of then....but i wouldnt wanna speak to them. Its is just different this time and i cant help feelin that way Link to comment
.jpg.1626fbc48c04fd9021fd315819807524.thumb.jpg.882936eb5901fa05cf31c75617acde2e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.