Meeting an ex, any advice in the next step?

[Jmal1994]

Let me outline the situation briefly, ex and I were together for 2years 8months, are both 20, were each others firsts, were inseparable and described as the perfect couple, I did everything for her romantically. We are at different stages in our life, she is in her first year at college, hanging out with new friends that are single, I am graduating this year, distanced myself from college friends to focus on my studies and spend time with my best friend (my ex). She recently developed an infatuation with someone else, I wasn't there for her emotionally due to a busy work schedule and being in my final year of studies. She fell for this guy, broke up with me and kissed him after, they have since spent time together, yet my ex was insistent on meeting up with me, and even cited that she wasn't seeing anyone, including this guy, she just needs to be single, she even said she didn't look to break up with me, but felt she had to because of what she had done (guilt). One moth later....

 

...I met up with my ex tonight, she hadn't text me all week before seeing her tonight, so here how it went...

 

She arrived, we said our 'hi, how are you's', then she just burst into tears, like uncontrollable, she gave me a hug and didn't let go for ages, I stayed strong and didn't get emotional

 

We then sat down and chatted about our week, our college work, what we had been up to, all the general chit chat you'd have with someone after a long time apart, she soon perked up again and was very intuitive.

 

We both felt relaxed, I believe she was, she was laughing like she used to at me and with me, mainly at me. We chatted about emotional issues I have had in my life over the past week, but I remained positive in descriptions and seemed upbeat, I told her my plans to move away in the next year to escape the dramas of home life that have worsened in the past year or so, she looked incredibly upset in her facial expressions when I told her this, but she told me to think about things before I made decisions.

 

In total, we spent 3 hours chatting, maybe too long, but she didn't want to leave, I then played my card, I didn't beg or plead with her, but I told her that I still held feelings for her and that they hadn't disappeared completely. I had told her that I'd been hanging out more with friends, no gender specifics, but she said I was looking really good.

 

She said she would love to see me again, but kept very quiet and didn't say anything about my feelings towards her. As she left, she gave me hug that lasted 7 seconds (I counted). She then left

 

She texted me when she returned home, apologising for crying earlier in the night and said she was a real mess about the whole situation still, but she looked content when she was with me, she had got over many hurdles in her life that dragged her down when she broke up with me. We didn't talk about our relationships with other people, she even brought me a gift!

 

I am not reading too much into this, she is still open to seeing me, I'm hoping for a friendship with this girl, she is indeed my best friend. I've never had so much in common with someone, she's even gone home now and started to watch SNL after I said I was watching it.

 

Any advice about the situation? What should my next move be? I feel positive about things

[mhowe]

She did NOT take the opportunity to share your level of feelings/interest. You guys didn't schedule another date.

 

I would say it was a nostalgic reunion.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm hoping for a friendship with this girl, she is indeed my best friend. I've never had so much in common with someone, she's even gone home now and started to watch SNL after I said I was watching it.

 

It's your call, but a "best friend" would never dump you for another guy. Either way, her interest level doesn't seem to match yours, and taking her back at this point would only give her a free pass to cheat again, IMO.

[Jmal1994]

Yeah her interest levels aren't the same as mine, she told me that she was glad I told her how I felt, I've always been honest with her

 

She said she really wants to see me soon, but her college and work schedule changes every week, so she's not sure when

 

I agree that a 'best friend' would never leave for another guy, but as I reiterated, she didn't want to break up with me, she was honest with me about it all, she had just spent time with her college friends, him included, and developed a crush on him, I mean everybody gets a crush on someone else in a relationship don't they, if not then tell me I'm in denial. The guy is different to me, she knew I didn't like him, but I got jealous still, I became too clingy, tried to fight for a relationship that wasn't even falling, she still loved me, did everything with me, and was just spending time with her friends. She just felt overly guilty for what she did, the kiss after we broke up was a drunken one. I believe, against all your sighs that this maybe GIGS...

 

But there is nothing I can do now, I would take her back, she needs to experience this single life, she still cares for me loads, I mean she cried uncontrollably when she first saw me, I'm just going to give it time, I've got loads of work to get done before I graduate later this year, she wants me in her life, I'm still in pictures around her house! I would take her back if she was to return

 

But que sera sera, what will be, will be. I'm glad I saw her and told her how I felt, albeit the response wasn't what I wanted

[Tanzi]

I agree that a 'best friend' would never leave for another guy, but as I reiterated, she didn't want to break up with me, she was honest with me about it all, she had just spent time with her college friends, him included, and developed a crush on him, I mean everybody gets a crush on someone else in a relationship don't they, if not then tell me I'm in denial.

 

I wouldn't say you were staunchly in denial but I think you are justifying certain aspects of your relationship and break-up in a way that offers you an element of hope.

 

Whilst I think it is perfectly normal to look at another person and find them attractive, I don't think it is usual to become so infatuated with that person that you end your current relationship. Well, not if your current relationship is completely fulfilling you that is.

 

I also don't believe that someone will break up with their bf/gf unless they want to … even if it was a hard decision to make and they are confused at times. She has been honest and open with you which means, had you been OK with it, you could have worked through it yet she still chose to be single.

 

I believe, against all your sighs that this maybe GIGS...

 

There could be an element of GIGS in her actions but not to the extent that she may regret her decision because the grass isn't any greener. Whatever it is, she wants to explore the wilderness. It is obvious that she still cares about you and is still attached to you but, at 20, she probably needs to experience new things.

 

 

Jmal, you have to be careful when choosing to stay friends with an ex. Are you really happy with just being friends or do you really see it as an opportunity to hang on to her and/or to eventually win her back? I suspect it is the latter. But think about it Jmal … how do you think you will feel when you hear her talk about her latest crush or witness her embark on a new relationship and a whole new adventure that excludes you? And if or when that does happen it is likely that your friendship will be pushed aside whilst she gets closer to the new person in her life. You really need to think about these things because they will be detrimental to your healing and emotional well-being in the long term.

 

Do you not think that the sensible thing to do is to cut all ties so that you can create a new life and new experiences of your own instead of hanging around in the background of hers rooted to the same emotional ever-hopeful spot?

 

I'm not saying you have to sever all ties immediately … but I think you should start putting a certain amount of distance between you in order for you to start moving on from her emotionally.

[Jmal1994]

Yeah I guess, ever since I've sought advice on what to do next, everyone has told me to cut ties and move on!

 

I understand that if you are truly in love with someone, you go through thick and thin to sort out issues, and maybe that's where our immaturity comes in, we never argued, we accepted each other's flaws even if it truly berated us, it's just a kick in the teeth when my ex, when I first started college, became jealous, clingy and needy around me, she didn't want to lose me or for me to change, she was even booking a holiday with me and planning our summer two days before we split.

 

I'm just shocked at the moment still, I have been making progress, but find it difficult, I have forever been that nice guy, the shoulder to cry on, the funny guy, the gentleman, but it's always put me in the friendzone... Then all of a sudden, this girl comes, an instant spark between the two of us, she is completely drawn to me, I'm drawn to her, we date, get too comfortable perhaps and she sees something exciting... I don't want to be in the friendzone with her, I do want more, and I guess cutting ties is the best, but I have few friends, I'm a shy guy, and only open up to those I feel a connection with. I am scared, she was my 'best friend' but that's gone... for now, I shall not live in the hope she'll come back, it's just all too soon for me.

The meeting was great, I'm glad I told her how I felt, but today it's kind of settling in that she won't return

[kbbcoop77]

Yeah that's the problem with having those meeting and any contact after a split, you get a "high" from seeing them again but come crashing down to earth afterwards because you realize you are split up. That's why it's so important to cut contact, it's not to win them back it's for you to heal.

[sushiboat]

Honestly, I want you to remember that this thread and forum is for advice only. We're only here to help you consider your options, and help you by giving our point of view. I know that most people here have told you that you should cut ties with her completely, but if you personally feel that you can deal with her being in your life, as just a friend, then I say do it. Be friends, and enjoy your time together. Just do you, man. If you fall, you fall, and if she does come back, then congrats. We live, learn, and move on. Good luck!

[kbbcoop77]

It's true and this is only advice, if you can handle friendship that's great..but it is rare and not really advisable if you still have romantic feelings for her..you already said you don't want to be in the friendzone so I would let some serious time pass to try and heal before that was considered..good luck