Could you ever trust someone again after being hurt like this?

[Anaya]

I am new to these forums and posted a question earlier about losing my friend due to my abusive relationship.

 

First of all, I'm married (for 7 years... been together for 9 years) and have 3 kids. It is, and has been, objectively, an abusive relationship. We are (finally) no longer living together and I'm pretty confident we are done.

 

Would anyone (or has anyone) ever forgiven someone for hurting them or threatening their life? Or rather ever been able to truly trust them again?

 

Last summer my husband tried to strangle me and it was the scariest thing I've ever been through. I just don't know if I could really ever trust him again, even if he promises not to do it ever again (which he has). Of course he wants to reconcile. He says I can believe he will never do it again because he absolutely does not want to ever go back to jail (he was arrested), so that should be enough for me to "know" that he will never do it again.

 

I often get caught up in my "dreams" of having my "happy" family and continuing to live comfortably financially, and raising my kids with 2 parents. And when I start daydreaming about those things I start seriously considering going back to him. But then I always think back to our last incident (and the one before that, too), and it jolts me back to reality. I wonder, can I ever really trust him again? I often feel like I want to but... I get so upset every time I even think back through the events, I think I'm crazy to even contemplate it.

 

Over the years, he has always been physically violent with me, but that was the first time I thought I was going to die.

 

I do think he is a good man in general, and very smart. And the physical incidents only happen a couple times a year, so I often forget about them during the "good" times. So sometimes I think I'm overreacting and am throwing away something that could be very good. I'm scared I'm making the wrong decision by leaving.

 

I'm just wondering if it's possible to trust him again in any capacity.

[Hollyj]

You're minimizing a very scary situation! Good men do not hurt women. Period!

 

If you're not going to think about yourself, think about how scary and destructive it is to keep your kids in that environment. You need to put them first!

 

Please get some abuse counseling, and get your head out of the denial cloud.

[Anaya]

You're minimizing a very scary situation! Good men do not hurt women. Period!

 

If you're not going to think about yourself, think about how scary and destructive it is to keep your kids in that environment. You need to put them first!

 

Please get some abuse counseling, and get your head out of the denial cloud.

 

I'm in counseling. I have been in group domestic violence counseling for 6 months, and seeing an individual counselor for 5 months. I know leaving is the right thing to do. I just keep finding myself going back to the "what-ifs". My counselor says he is still deflecting the blame onto me, and as long as he continues that, things won't change. (I do, deep down, still feel like it's partly my fault, which only makes it harder for me... but I am trying my best to work through it in counseling, and I was the one who told him we could no longer live together and have thus far stuck with it).

 

I guess I was just wondering if anyone has actually had an abusive situation that did end up changing and if they were eventually able to trust that person again. Right now it doesn't seem possible, but I wonder if by some miracle it would be possible.

[Willywagtail]

He's the one that needs counselling. And, if he's still deflecting the blame onto you - then he hasn't changed. One incident of violence a year is too much, let alone a couple.

 

If he wants to reconcile - then I'd be asking for proof that he wants to permanently understand and alter his behaviour. This means counselling and anger management. It also means him having a male mentor he can speak with. People can change, but they need to prove it with their actions - not their words.

 

I would find it difficult to trust again if someone had tried to murder me. Its an incredibly serious crime, and something which would be almost impossible to forgive. If you have any doubts at all - don't do it. It's not worth risking your life for.

[shellyf62]

Please don't ever decide to go back to him!

Do you want your children to think that living with violence is a normal thing?

You do realise that they know what has been happening ? They could feel the tension in your home, that they freaked out whenever you & your husband got into a fight?

I have lived through this, my mother married an abuser.

 

Please think of them when you think of the "what ifs". They deserve a better life!!

[pippy longstocking]

oh darling I just tapped out war and peace , but my daughter appeared and I had to cancel it quick so she didnt see it ..she has no idea her mummy was at the nasty disgusting hands of 3 men including her own father ....

 

so I will just say it short and sweet ....

 

NO man or woman has the right to ever abuse another ... do they change ? do they hell !

[missmarple]

I often get caught up in my "dreams" of having my "happy" family and continuing to live comfortably financially, and raising my kids with 2 parents.

 

When you get caught up in those dreams, stop yourself and imagine how your kids' life would have been today if he had killed you last summer.

I would advise you not to go back to him even if you were on your own..but the fact that you are a mother makes it even more important. You brought those kids to the world..you owe them a stable environment and a mother.

[Anaya]

Oh I know I shouldn't seriously entertain the idea of going back. But the thought does keep coming back, it seems right when I completely believe I'm making the right choice, doubt seeps in again.

 

He actually is in a 52 week court-ordered batterer's program, but I'm not sure it's working. At least not working in the sense that he is changing his attitude towards me. Lately he has been saying that yes, he has a problem, but I do too, and I'm just as abusive as he is. And I do feel so guilty for the part I've had to play in all this. And I've been working so hard to try and figure out how much of this is my fault. The facts are that he has always been extremely verbally abusive (always called me names and said mean things), and he's always been physically abusive. I have never physically hurt him, not even in retaliation for anything he's done. And I don't call him names. I remember early on in our relationship, when he would start cursing at me and calling me names I would ask him to stop and he would just do it more. And he would get drunk and mock me and mimic me the whole time I was trying to seriously talk about and fix something. It hurt so badly. I can't see any way that I was being the abusive one during those times. I have asked him for specific instances of me being abusive, because our whole relationship is so fuzzy in my mind I can't really remember a lot of it, or what I've done. He says the night he choked me out was because I was yelling at him (but as I remember it, he was yelling at me too, it was a heated argument). Other than that he has not been able to actually give me any concrete ways that I am abusive.

 

I think I've decided it is mostly him because of that, and because of something my friends told me. A couple years ago I told one of my college friends about something that happened, and she immediately said I needed to leave and she had been waiting for something like this to happen. I was confused and surprised and asked what she meant. She said that she and my other best college friend had witnessed him being verbally abusive to me in the very beginning of our relationship and had taken it upon themselves to "watch out for me" because verbal abuse often escalates to physical abuse. So the fact that my friends saw it early on (when I didn't recognize it) and had been actually waiting for something like this to happen makes me believe that he is the main abuser here.

 

I've also asked my therapist how to tell if I'm the abuser, because he is downright adamant that I take responsibility for my abuse. This has been something that's been causing me a lot of distress recently. She asked me if I've ever hurt him, if he feels intimidated by me, or feels like his life is threatened. Which of course the answer is, no. She says he is only saying that I'm abusive because he is not ready to take full responsibility. But still sometimes I wonder... because he seems to really believe it's me too, so if he believes it, how can it not be true?

 

But seriously the things he's done compared to the things I've done... I just don't see how they could be on the same level. (In addition to name calling, mocking me, he has pushed me, slapped me, hit me, put me in chokeholds, thrown me accross the room, deliberately broken my absolute favorite collectible items, and threatened suicide. He also lies about spending all our money, lies about talking with other women (and I actually came home one day when another woman was there, and he swears up and down nothing happened... but he had lied about her being there in the first place) etc. I do get frustrated that he plays video games all the time and never helps out with the kids... so I do sometimes call him on it and we argue... but I don't think it is any where near as bad as what he's done.)

 

He has always gotten severely depressed, and has threatened suicide too many times to count, and started to actually act it out twice. So my biggest fear is that even if he got past all of the regular "abuse", if he actually did decide to commit suicide, I'm not sure there would be anything to stop him from killing me, too. So I guess that's worrisome to me, that everything would seem fine for years, and then he would get depressed and something terrible would happen.

 

Oh yes and also - he could have killed me last summer. At first he was very apologetic, but now every time it comes up he seems to get almost angry and says that he knew what he was doing and he wouldn't have killed me. But I just don't believe him, because my throat was so swollen for days that I couldn't swallow. If he knew what he was doing, would my throat have swelled up like that? I don't think so. So it seems like as justification to me, to make himself feel better I guess. But I don't really know how to counter him on it because he seems so sure of himself. He says that I was overreacting, and that I make everything out to be "life and death" to be dramatic. But I really did think I was going to die that day - I remember when I went outside to call the police, I felt a breeze on my face and was thinking how wonderful it felt and wondering if it was real or if I was already gone and it was an illusion. It really really scared me. I wasn't trying to just be dramatic.

[Cheetarah]

Nothing will work for any person with an issue, unless they are open to challenging their own beliefs and ideals - And are committed to doing the hard work. And...being accountable, of course. It's court mandated, so it's not like he willingly signed himself up for a 1 year program and has worked halfway through it, because he WANTED to do it. He had to.

 

I've also asked my therapist how to tell if I'm the abuser, because he is downright adamant that I take responsibility for my abuse. This has been something that's been causing me a lot of distress recently. She asked me if I've ever hurt him, if he feels intimidated by me, or feels like his life is threatened. Which of course the answer is, no. She says he is only saying that I'm abusive because he is not ready to take full responsibility. But still sometimes I wonder... because he seems to really believe it's me too, so if he believes it, how can it not be true?

 

Oh, I've asked this too. Like 700 times. My situation was on a lesser scale than yours, all verbal/emotional. Nevertheless, it's something that repeated itself in every single session for the first few months.

 

If I believe that the color of grass is purple - Is it true? I know this seems like a silly analogy, but hear me out. He very well may believe that about you. It could be for any number of reasons. Because it makes him feel justified in what he has done. To avoid accountability and scapegoat you - And further drag you deeper into the cycle. Because he perceives even something as simple as you saying 'no' or asserting yourself, as abuse because you are defying him. It's all power and it's all control. And if something poses a threat to him losing one of those(as your DV groups and therapy are), then he is going to do what he needs to do to remind you of your 'place'(in his head). If he can share the responsibility with you, then he is not the 'bad guy' and can maintain whatever image he has of himself.

 

You're right, it's not working. It isn't working at all, because he cannot even take responsibility. He is full of justifications, excuses and other stuff that is probably making your head spin. It's pretty clear he is not ready nor interested in changing. He's got to do this program, by law. He is doing it to keep himself out of further legal trouble. That's all.

 

I think it's basically essential to your well-being that you keep your contact with him strictly about the children, the bare minimum and nothing more. He's getting back in your head, and filling you with doubt. Then you have therapy/group. So you have these 2 very conflicting things and so long as you're in the middle of them, you are going to have a very hard time getting clarity about the situation, and healing from this so you can make better choices for you and your children.

[Anaya]

What you say makes a lot of sense. Thank you for putting it that way. I definitely agree he just cannot see himself as the "bad guy" and so he feels better believing we are sharing responsibility.

 

I don't believe we will make it. I suppose I haven't made a complete decision to leave for good because I was hoping his batterer's class would help change things. But the longer it has gone on, the less hope I have

 

The more people I talk to, and the more I hear the reasons why it's not a good decision to be with him, the better I feel about leaving. It really does help. It's almost like I need as much confirmation that I'm doing the right thing as possible. I really feel a large amount of guilt at the thought of making the wrong decision.

 

And everybody is right about my children. They are the main reason I'm trying to leave for good. I know it has affected them. I won't go into the reasons I know, but I know, and I feel so sad that it has even gone this far. My husband lives about 3 hours way from me now. He got a job there, moved out, and I told him I wasn't going with him. I was pretty nervous about his reaction, but he just left. He said I can have the kids because he has no desire to raise 3 kids on his own. So he really hasn't even seen much of them at all recently. I get the feeling he doesn't care, and that he cares more about his own life and happiness than his children's.

 

I talked to his mom a couple weeks ago about everything, and she said he regrets what he's done and doesn't want to lose me. I told her that I believe he regrets what he has done - but that he regrets it for the wrong reasons. He hates dealing with the consequences (misdemeanor, counseling, community service, his "abuser image"). But I don't think he regrets it because of what he's done to me. He doesn't seem to care just how badly he scared me and hurt me and ruined my trust. It's like he just doesn't see the severity of it and is angry at me that it has turned into such a huge problem in our lives. I don't know... I guess I just don't feel he is really remorseful.

[catfeeder]

No, going back only sets you up to live your life on an eggshell walk. Once someone demonstrates the capacity to physically harm you, not only is their presence in your life a danger beyond estimation, it sends the message to your kids that violence is acceptable.

 

There is no 'up' side to returning to an abuser. Recidivism is high and unpredictable. These are people who are best loved from far away, and if you ever opt to forgive husband, I'd do it silently and from a great distance.

 

This is a dangerous time in your life. Stalking is common among abusers despite showing remorse, and this is why there are whole underground operations to assist battered spouses to 'escape' to begin a new life. If you don't believe that your situation is that dire, don't press your luck.

 

While you may need the time and distance from husband to gain objectivity, please don't make any choices until you gain it. Use all resources available to you and your children, and focus on learning how to grow comfortable in living an independent life. Dependency is NOT a good foundation for decision making.

 

Head high, and wrote more if it helps.

[Willywagtail]

I take back everything I said previously about him needing to prove he wants to change. Anyone that tells you you're abusive when they've done what you've described in not worthy of a second chance.

 

He tells you you're abusive because he's projecting his anger, meanness, hatred and rage onto you. He can't take responsibility for his awfulness, he has no capacity for empathy or compassion, so he dumps all that disgusting baggage on to you.

 

There is no life for you with this man. He is incapable of redemption. Please take care, it is at times like these when women are moving away from their abusers that they are most at risk. You are at risk of serious physical harm, potentially even death. Get professional advice and support to make this break from him.

[gone]

I am in complete agreement with gollum and the other posters. Don't you see, this man is EVIL. He has no remorse over almost killing his wife, the mother of his children. He does not want to be bothered with caring for his kids. I am sorry for you, but he is scum of the earth. This is not your fault, but you've been in this too long to see reality here. You need a lot of support and a lot of therapy - to rebuild your SELF. Please read Why Does he Do That? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft. Another good one is The Emotionally Abused Women by B. Engel. Please, please, please, stay away from this man AT ALL COSTS. He is an obvious threat to you and your life and the rest of your family and your property. You sound like a sweet person. A journey is ahead for you. Best of luck on it. Stay strong, sister.

[gone]

Also, just out of curiosity, how long did it take for him to become physically abusive in your relationship? I am curious because I am in horror as I read your thread...your description of this man sounds like my ex, only I got out way, way before you did (before physical violence), but word-for-word, I can so easily imagine ME saying the same stuff about my ex if I had stayed and this was fast-forwarded. Shudder.

[Anaya]

Also, just out of curiosity, how long did it take for him to become physically abusive in your relationship? I am curious because I am in horror as I read your thread...your description of this man sounds like my ex, only I got out way, way before you did (before physical violence), but word-for-word, I can so easily imagine ME saying the same stuff about my ex if I had stayed and this was fast-forwarded. Shudder.

 

Thank you for your reply. I try to be a nice and good person... everybody says I am, except for him. I even asked my college roommate (who I lived with for 3 years) if she thought I was abusive. She said she doesn't believe I have an abusive cell in my body and that she finds it extremely hard to believe that I could be responsible for any of this. It is helpful for people to say these things to me because I am constantly trying to figure out what I've done to him that's caused this. I feel like all I've done is love him and try to do everything I can to make him happy, and to make our family happy, and it just hasn't worked.

 

The first time he was physically abusive was about 2 years into our relationship (right after we got married). He was extremely drunk and he pulled me outside of the house by my hair and locked me out. I remember feeling so ashamed and since he had forced me out of the house I didn't even have my purse. So I couldn't go anywhere or call anybody, so I just sat outside and cried for several hours until he finally let me back in. That is the first time that I clearly remember. And I did think that I must have deserved it (although for the life of me I can't remember if we were arguing or what I said).

[catfeeder]

It is helpful for people to say these things to me because I am constantly trying to figure out what I've done to him that's caused this. I feel like all I've done is love him and try to do everything I can to make him happy, and to make our family happy, and it just hasn't worked.

 

That's his whole strategy. He's recognized your need to please, and he's figured out that withholding approval and keeping you feeling lousy about yourself is his ticket to control of you.

 

He's gotten you hooked on 'trying,' and as long as he keeps you 'failing,' he's golden.

 

Add a mean streak and physical violence to that, and he's your perfect setup for redemption hell. He's tricked you into believing that he's fixable--but he keeps that 'win' just out of your reach so you'll stay motivated to keep trying.

 

As long as you never figure out that he's always setting you up to fail, you'll stay hooked.

 

This is why therapy is so important, because you're playing out a drive from your early development to appease and win approval from a parent, grandparent, teacher or other authority figure who withheld approval. You're not only doing pretzels for that 'win,' you're beating yourself up where he leaves off with a critical voice that keeps you focused like a laser beam on your perceived shortcomings and an obsession with getting it all right.

 

Unless and until you take the blinders off and see with broader vision, you'll keep missing the whole context entirely. A marriage and a household where put downs and raised voices and violence are 'normal' can only teach your children to carry the same pathology into their own relationships. That will not change--and neither will husband, no matter what kind of show he puts on to trick you into believing otherwise.

 

He's got your number. The time to change it is long overdue.

[gone]

I try to be a nice and good person... everybody says I am, except for him.

 

That's just the thing, Anaya - you ARE a good person. What you're trying is to win his approval. He ain't never going to give it, so to speak. Because, as cat pointed out, withholding his approval and love from you is what enables him to CONTROL YOU. He is not seeking the same relationship you are (ie a loving and fair one), and he is not playing by the rules to keep you. He is abusing you in order to control you, which he is doing because there is something gravely wrong with him. Don't you see? This isn't about you! It's about HIM! Once you are free of him, you will find out just how wonderful and loving your life is with that one (thankfully) missing ingredient of him. You and your children deserve the most basic of human rights, which are, according to America, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. You only have ONE of those 3 basic rights right now, and sadly, he threatens even that! Please don't let him take away all your rights. Don't you think it is downright terrifying that this person is slowly murdering you? =( You came on here asking if you could learn to trust him again...when who you really owe your trust to, is your SELF. Trust your self to be a good person who is deserving of her basic rights and of genuine love! Someone else may not have loved you -- be it him, or a care-giver while you were growing up, but you NEVER did anything to deserve that. Free yourself from the prison of believing you need to work hard to gain anyone's love. If someone loves you, they do it freely, with no expectations for what it means for them. That's what love IS, my dear. Please love your self and spend a lot of time and hard work in therapy so you may never again be in another abusive relationship.