How long do Exes bear grudges for and why do they do this?

[JackJackxD]

I am the dumpee of a 2.5 years relationship, and it has been 5 months since the break up already. We tried to be friends but it didn't work out, I tried to ask for a second chance 3 months after the break-up but she rejected it. She said that it is better if we don't speak to each other for a few months to let things calm down first, and I agreed seeing that I knew there is no way we can be friends if I still have feelings for her. She unfriended me on Facebook a few days afterwards and left all group chats. I've been in NC for 2 months already.

 

So there I was thinking that things are all good, and that we are still on good terms. Then recently through conversations with a mutual friend I found that she seems to bear a grudge against me. Examples would be how she does bad mouth me a little in front of our mutual friends, thinks that everything I do was done on purpose to interfere with her life etc. Just today, when I saw my mutual friend and her boyfriend together, I went forward to introduce myself to him as it was my first time seeing him. My Ex happened to be talking to them at the time, and when she saw me she had the most "disapproved" look on her face and walked away on her own a few seconds after. God knows what she was thinking! Probably something along the lines of "Omg, he is trying to get attention from me again".

 

I just want to know how long do Exes hold this period of grudge for? Months? Years? Forever? It is strange how my Ex has told everyone that she is over the relationship and has moved on, but she still holds grudge against me. Whereas I am not fully over the relationship, but I don't hate her at all even though she was the one who dumped me. We broke up because of incompatibility, in no way did I cheat on her or abuse her, so I don't get why all of a sudden she hates me.

 

An interesting thing is, I noticed that there is a trend of female dumpers bearing grudges against the dumpee, at least out of the people I know. The mutual friend I spoke of above bad mouths her Ex in front of me and other friends a lot! She still does it now even though she dumped the guy 7 months ago. My male friends on the other hand seems a lot more chilled. When they spoke of their Ex, they talked about the issues of the relationships, and never made hateful/mean comments about them.

 

Disclaimer:

I'm not trying to get back with my Ex anymore. I've accepted the fact that the chances of reconciliation is virtually zero, and I doubt we will ever talk to each other again for the remaining time in University. I'm just interested in the psychology of the dumpers who makes their Ex to be the worst person in the world, when in reality both people probably contributed to the failure of a relationship.

[Man with Dog]

I guess it depends on what one might have done during the relationship. I think people bear grudges about cheating, deception and bad behaviour just about forever. Even though I've been remarried for over 20 years, I still feel resentful towards my ex-wife. It's a very long story but I was really badly hurt. I've forgiven her for dumping me but not for the way she treated me before, during and after the break-up.

[relevart]

That's a very broad brush you're using there. Every person is different and every relationship is as well. Your ex may hold a grudge against you for the rest of her life or she may get over it next month. Who knows? Who cares? I'd rather not be friends with people who bad talk their exes forever.

[faraday]

I would stop going near her for a while.

 

You tried to reconcile and she probably does think you're still trying to get back together with her.

 

When you break up with someone that takes a while to get over you, and is friends with your friends and is around....it's awkward. She feels bad for hurting you, and she probably just wishes you'd stop being a constant reminder. If you can't get new friends, at least don't talk about her with your mutual friends, don't walk up to a group of friends while she's there...don't go to places where you know she's there...leave her alone for a while...because it does look like you're still not over her...and thats hard to be around.

[Jeffbobo]

It really doesn't matter as to the reasons for the breakup. Reasons couid have been anything from cheating, stupid mistakes or just plane old neglect. No matter how long your relationship was, there were good times and bad. All of those bad things are etched into the relationship stone and are focused on as a means to justify the decision to end the relationship. This is *you* in their head, before, during, after and always and is part their defense mechanism and rationalization for justification.

 

I hurt my ex and she hurt me as well. Reflect on those things that are etched in stone and strive to do better next time but not with her. I know my ex badmouths me, even after almost four years. Frankly, I really don't care. I don't do the same to her for the same reason, I really don't care as I am in a place of total indifference toward her. Learn, forgive, forget and move on. Otherwise you're wasting time you couid be devoting to yourself and potentially soneone else.

[JackJackxD]

I hurt my ex and she hurt me as well. Reflect on those things that are etched in stone and strive to do better next time but not with her. I know my ex badmouths me, even after almost four years. Frankly, I really don't care. I don't do the same to her for the same reason, I really don't care as I am in a place of total indifference toward her. Learn, forgive, forget and move on. Otherwise you're wasting time you couid be devoting to yourself and potentially soneone else.

 

If only everyone is the same as you! I still respect my Ex to an extent and would not say anything bad about her. I just wished everyone would be civilised in dealing with break ups. Instead of blaming the other person for everything, can't they accept their part in the break-up too and just move on!? My friend already has another boyfriend yet she still hates/bad-mouths her Ex. Seeing that she is my friend I have to agree with her mean/rude statements, but deep down I actually feel sorry for the guy.

[mhowe]

You don't have to agree with her. Simply say that it takes two to make a relationship and two to break it and tell her there is no point in continuing to vilify him.

[tattoobunnie]

Well, have you apologized for treating her poorly?

 

Do you have any grudges on others? The same applies here. People can hold onto grudges forever - having the offender make it up to them can turn the tide.

[Brokenhart84]

Everyone is an individual. If you have accepted the break up. It's doesn't matter what they think or feel. You will move on with your life and so will she. The only thing you can do is create an amazing life for yourself right now!

[JackJackxD]

Well, have you apologized for treating her poorly?

 

Do you have any grudges on others? The same applies here. People can hold onto grudges forever - having the offender make it up to them can turn the tide.

 

I've apologised on various occasions even after break-up, but I don't think it makes a difference.

[Jeffbobo]

I've apologised on various occasions even after break-up, but I don't think it makes a difference.

 

Yep. You're right. Apologies are really meaningless. Those are for when you're in the relationship or if there is some remote chance based on circumstances that there is a chance at reconciliation. Otherwise an apology just strengthens their position as to why they broke up with you in the first place.

[Man with Dog]

If only everyone is the same as you! I still respect my Ex to an extent and would not say anything bad about her. I just wished everyone would be civilised in dealing with break ups. Instead of blaming the other person for everything, can't they accept their part in the break-up too and just move on!? My friend already has another boyfriend yet she still hates/bad-mouths her Ex. Seeing that she is my friend I have to agree with her mean/rude statements, but deep down I actually feel sorry for the guy.

 

Using myself purely as an example here, I wasn't proud of my own behaviour at times but I can honestly say that there was nothing I could have done or not done that would have made any difference. I think where deception and other things like abuse are concerned it is normal to feel resentful.

 

What I have learned over the years is to simply shut up about exes. I sometimes talk about them on forums like this but, unlike in real life, people have the option of using the PAGE DOWN button.