4 months in, angry and struggling...

[DaisyHope]

So have a look over my previous threads... I'm currently surfing a painful 'out of the blue' (on my part) breakup!

I can't talk to friends anymore as I don't want to bore them with it, and family clearly don't understand as they tell me I should just 'settle' for someone else, like it's that easy!?!!?!!!

 

Anyway - needless to say, I'd still take my ex back, but for whatever reason I totally see/think it won't happen - totally given up any hope. I know everyone says there was a reason for him doing it, and he'd probably distanced himself before, even though I'm adamant there were no signs, but anyway here we are. I was blindsided.

 

What hasn't helped is that I met up with him a few weeks ago, I wasn't expecting hearts, flowers, regret and apologies, not at all, but I guess I stupidly thought that he'd perhaps talk about his reasons or something, and we didn't. Any time it got vaguely close he'd brush it away and say he didn't want to talk about it. even though he'd bought it up. It really threw me, I went back to day one... but slowly I've got myself back again - anyway now I'm finding myself REALLY angry and I don't know what to do with that anger. Its to do with the very real 'acceptance' that it's over, the confusion and hurt of how it 'came from nowhere' and there being (I know a lot of you don't believe in it but) 'the closure' and it's taking everything in me not to email him asking why and having a go.

 

I haven't begged or pleaded or given him any sort of grief since he ended it, he's got off scot free, and fair enough why not, he's not done anything wrong - I might not like it, but sadly he felt it best for him. And I know not begging/pleading/giving him grief makes me the bigger person but still.................I just don't see how I work through this, especially as now there is no one I feel I can talk to about it.

 

Help enotalners?!!

[st peter]

a lot of people on this website will tell you otherwise, but i think maybe you should send him a message telling him how you feel, and that you don't want to be friends. obviously be very civil.

but then ask him to not contact you for any reason whatsoever unless it is to apologise, and get back together. and by apologise i really mean apologise.

then delete his Facebook, phone numbers etc, don't hang out with his friends. vanish, make yourself look beautiful, throw yourself into your job/studies, and try to meet other men (but obviously don't do anything your not comfortable doing). even if you still miss him, show on the outside that you are over him.

I'm sorry, being dumped is horrible, my ex became the most dreadful person, is messing up her life and yet 4 months later I'm still not fully over her. NC did wonders for me tho

[Clinton]

Anger is one if the stages of grieving. You can tell him how you feel but from what I've seen, it really won't do much for you.

 

If you haven't already, cut him out of your life totally and go NC. There is no miracle cure for your pain. You'll work through your emotions in time. Everyone's different but one study put average healing time from divorce at 18 months. That was about my experience after my fiancee left.

 

Hang in there, it does get better. Just not as quickly as we'd like sometimes.

[chickadeedee]

>>how it 'came from nowhere' and there being (I know a lot of you don't believe in it but) 'the closure' and it's taking everything in me not to email him asking why and having a go

 

First and most obvious, if you want to get over him, you have to let him go and go no contact. If you are still seeing him and talking to him it builds false hope. He's reinforced the last time you met up that he's not interested in the relationship or interested in talking more about the break up, so there's no point at all to that contact other than holding you back and pouring salt in a wound.

 

Next, people think they are seeking 'closure' but what they are really seeking is some magic key that will instantly make them feel better and have it all make sense, or to give them additional chances to try to talk the person into getting back together or convince them they were wrong to break up with you. But the reality is that closure doesn't happen in an instant because no matter what he says, if he's not getting back with you and getting back with you is what you want from him, it will not feel right to you and it will feel like he has given you the wrong answer, or an insufficient reason for why he broke up with you.

 

Right now you are like a person who has broken a leg, but really is unhappy because you are angry at the pain and how it restricts you, but you want it to go back to how it was before the break without having to go thru the painful but important physical therapy necessary to heal. It's like sitting in a room and saying, why did i get into the car that day, and why did the other car run the red light and hit me, and why did it have to break my leg, and why isn't the person who hit me sorry enough, and why are they OK with no injuries and don't have to go thru this pain?

 

All of those things are not relevant to the task at hand, which is regardless of WHY it came about, it happened, and your task now is not to dwell on the past, but to do the emotional work you need to LET GO not to focus on his or the past or why he should be with you or why it is not fair. None of those things heal you, but making a decision that you will accept the outcome and cut him off and really focus on letting go by going no contact and not letting yourself continually think about him and dwell on the past, but instead taking steps to plan your future (and create new friends/memories/relationships/activities that move on with your life rather than focus on him).

 

So what could he possibly say that would instantly give you closure and make you say to yourself, 'ah, ok, he's gone now and it is OK that he's gone now and i feel fine about letting him go and never talking to him again.' Frankly there is nothing he can say that will give you that magic (impossible) moment, because your feelings are still attached and you don't want to hear anything other than he wants to come back. So no one else can give you 'closure' when you are still in the mind to be with someone and they don't want you. You will feel fine (eventually) one day when you have emotionally let him go, but not until then.

 

So the task you should focus on is not trying to get him to 'give you closure' but for you to focus really hard on just letting go and moving on, regardless of the reason why he chose to move on. You need to dig deep and find that discipline it takes to stop living in the past and to stop allowing yourself a never ending pity party because he left you and you want him back. Because he HAS moved on, and you can't force someone to choose you when they want to move on. You can only reduce the time you are in pain by focusing on letting him go and recognizing that life is about change, and as much as you don't like it, he has a right to go in a different direction with his life if he is not finding it right for himself to be with you.

[ParisPaulette]

Anger means you are healing and moving towards letting go. What you do with it is take it to the gym and punch the heck out of that bag or run that stairmaster into the group, take it a journal where you pour all your feelings out on to the page over and over until you're bored and hold a ceremony to destroy said journal and move on, go for long walks, pour yourself into a new activity like dancing or art or something else. You let the anger push and power you on through towards actions that improve your life and mood.

 

Take this last meeting as the clearest sign that things are done, that this man's communication skills suck, and that it really wasn't you, you were willing to talk things over, but he wasn't. Use the anger to yourself in your healing and then let it disperse as you move onward and upward. Consider this not a temporary setback but a wake-up call. You will be okay.

[chamachama]

Do not contact. Haven't you dealt yourself enough needless pain by contacting him already? It's OVER. Block him, delete pics, defriend on FB. What are you doing to yourself with this dude??? Contacting him and telling him ANYTHING at all will do nothing but validate his reasons (whatever they are) and send him farther away from you. As well as hurt you even more when you don't get the reaction from it that you have in your mind... and you won't.

 

Your self esteem is shot. Your self worth is in the toilet. The way you start to build that stuff back up is by going no contact for YOU. And no, you don't owe him an explanation at all if you block him and never reply again. He will get the picture no doubt. And if you tell him you can't be friends with him because you are hurting too much about how he blindsided you, it will only make you feel worse after he ignores that as well. He doesn't want to be with you anymore. Period. And nothing you say to him will do a damn thing except hurt you and drive him farther away.

 

Don't contact him anymore at all. Do that for YOURSELF. By blocking him and deleting his pics and defriending on social media...you finally start to do things with YOU in mind...not him. That's how you start to build back your self worth and pride. And start hitting the gym... hard! And get into some new healthy activities with new people as well if possible. Go on link removed and find some groups who do cool stuff together that you've never done before. New experiences with new people is how you start filling back the void that was left from your ex.

 

You will get through this.... but it takes you starting to do things that have nothing at all to do with him, and everything to do with you. AND NO MORE CONTACT!!! Unless you enjoy feeling like the way you are... If you like being in pain and feeling worthless... by all means contact away.

 

Again, if you just block him without explanation and go no contact... unless he is very low intelligence he will understand.

[kathy679]

Alot of men do not like to talk about things and emotions anyway and anything you say to him regarding emotions will just make you look needy to him. Do not contact him, move forward with your life. The anger will go but it is a sign you are on your way to moving on. It will just take time

[engraved2008]

Daisyhope...I believe that when you saw him again ,you were not healed yet.I know myself that if i d see my ex i d feell angry,upset ,or who knows...I do know that at times i wanted to call him but did not know what to tell him because i was scared all that pain would came back.They chose to move on without us and they no longer love us ,i know it sucks.Have you been out with anyone else since then ? i wonder if that might help...I still cry at times i know ,but im in a better place.Hugs

[Brokenhart84]

Do not contact him and ask questions. You will not get any closure. You will just be stressed. Don't "ask" fit no contact. Just do it. Focus on bettering yourself. Pick up new hobbies.