Alouise94 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Ok so never wrote on one of these before but I'm hoping somebody can give me some advice, Me and my partner have been together 4 years and have a 2 year old son, we were amazing but things got rocky (between us two) when our baby came, he moved out and into his parents due to violence towards me that he knew was wrong, and now i live with my toddler just us and it's great. Although I still want the relationship with my partner to carry on, over the past year he has been acting in the most bizarre ways. He won't have our child stay with him at his parents house because he just 'doesn't want him to' however I think it's because he is always busy at night, (he is great with our son at weekend days and in the short time after work and before he goes home because toddler going to sleep) so it's at nights he wants to be free, he is always on his phone and is secretive constantly, he checks mine frequently ? Even though I have nothing to hide! He won't have sex with me and hasn't done in 5 months despite me asking. 5 MONTHS, after our toddler is asleep at 8 he goes home and never stays to see just me this has been for 5 months too. He doesn't want to go out with me, watch films, have sex, chat. Anything. It's like he couldn't care less about me. I've cried numerous times, told him I'm going to leave him, pretended I'm not bothered and spoke to him calmly and expressed concerns he says there's nothing to worry about we are both just 'busy' because I have a law degree to work on ... I make good grades and make the time to see him at nights so I'm not the one who is too busy! Infront of our families at the weekends it's like we're an amazing little family laughing joking etc then we can get back in the car and he's different secretive and cold. Am I going mad? I think I would be less lonely if I were single. I am actually single if you consider I don't go out/spend time/ speak on phone/ have sex with my partner. I just don't think I'm strong enough to put a label on it that we've broken up and stick with it. (His violence and verbal abuse over about a year off and on (wasn't terrible on the scale but was bad) left me with low self esteem on the way I look and feel about myself and future relationships) Any advice greatly appreciated and thanks so much if you've read through this I appreciate your time. Amy Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 (His violence and verbal abuse over about a year off and on (wasn't terrible on the scale but was bad) left me with low self esteem on the way I look and feel about myself and future relationships) Any violence or verbal abuse is bad, there is no "scale". No man should yell at or put his hands on a woman, and to degrade her to the point where she feels bad about herself is disgraceful. If I were you I would break up. What are you getting out of this "relationship" ? He is not interested in you as a partner or girlfriend, he is living his life as a single guy and you are stuck in limbo. I wouldn't want to be with someone who treated me so poorly. You need to tell him it is over, and start moving on. One other thing, stop letting him check your phone. It sounds like he doesn't want you & doesn't want anyone else to have you. Serious double standard!!! Link to comment
LKDag Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Personally, as soon as he raised his hands to you, you should have been out of there. I don't want to offend you, but talking as a guy, a man that raises his hands towards a woman- especially a women that he is supposed to love- is a cowardly piece of scum. He a history of physical abuse. He is very clearly emotionally abusive. You've brought it up to him, and he clearly doesn't care- given that and everything you wrote, why are you still even involved with this person? Having a kid complicates things, I get that. I was a child of a parents that divorced, and the scars from the fallout shaped a great deal of who I am (if I want to psychoanalyze myself and my own issues), I bet. When I was younger, there was nothing I would've done to get access to a time machine and stop my parents from getting divorced. But, the issue is so much more nuanced than that. As an adult, I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if I was the reason why my mother sacrificed her own happiness and well-being and all of that. Link to comment
Alouise94 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 I got emotional reading this, so glad I posted and thanks so much for your real words and quick reply. I will read them over and have a few counselling appointments booked aimed at my low self esteem. *He is lovely at times - but there's me defending him again, your right when you say about the violence or abuse and I need to realise it and stop sugar coating it. Appreciate this, Amy Link to comment
Alouise94 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 Thanks very much LKDag for your words. Very helpful to read this from a guys point of view. Yes I think it is our child, as I have often thought I wouldn't have put up with it if we didn't have one. I guess that says everything really. It's a mixture of this and the low self esteem, as I read apparently we stay in bad relationships because we don't know our own worth. I hope my counselling strengthens me to stick to breaking to with him and not going back, Thanks again Amy Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I think I would be less lonely if I were single. I am actually single if you consider I don't go out/spend time/ speak on phone/ have sex with my partner. This was the realization that caused me to leave my marriage. And you know what? It's true. We get support, validation, friendships, as single people that we don't get as married people. As married people, we don't fit because we don't have the partnership we are presumed to have, and we are not available to fit into anyone else's social life. Leaving aside the more dramatic parts of your experience, about which you will hear plenty, let me say this: You ALREADY have the strength to leave and excel on your own, because it's easier- way easier - than what you are doing now. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 You are threatening to leave but there is nothing there to leave. It's already been over for a long time yet he keeps you in check by playing head games so you don't move on. (physical and emotional abuse) Please don't be naïve. . Take care of yourself and this baby. Tell baby daddy you're onto him and not having any more his nonsense. Take some time to heal and clear about yourself and what you deserve. Link to comment
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