Seraphim Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Really I'm just having a vent here because I'm stressed. Just before Christmas my mom broke her back. It's the third time she's broken her back in her lifetime. It's not healing well and taking a long time. Three weeks ago my father-in-law was taken to the hospital with a serious case of influenza which has caused a delirium and his mind. He is still there and he is still seriously mentally confused. I got a text tonight from my aunt while I was at work that my father was taken to the hospital yesterday. They are doing tests because they suspect his EIGHTH stroke. They also want to start him on dialysis right away. Sigh. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Sorry to hear about all the troubles you are going through. Hope things do get better soon. Hugs to you. Link to comment
alli Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I'm really sorry to hear that. Illnesses with family members are always hard, but especially when it's multiple family members at about the same time. Unless your mom has some other condition that causes her injuries, she may have low bone density. Maybe see if she has had or should have a bone density screening & if she should receive an osteoporosis medication. I hope things get better for both of them and for you!! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Sorry to hear about all the troubles you are going through. Hope things do get better soon. Hugs to you. Thanks Renny. I just feel so helpless to help anyone. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 I'm really sorry to hear that. Illnesses with family members are always hard, but especially when it's multiple family members at about the same time. Unless your mom has some other condition that causes her injuries, she may have low bone density. Maybe see if she has had or should have a bone density screening & if she should receive an osteoporosis medication. I hope things get better for both of them and for you!! Yes ,my mom has had osteoporosis for years and has bone density scans all the time. She has severe arthritis in her spine ,three herniated discs ,a broken vertebrae and severe degeneration. She's very limited as to what medication she can take because she also has severe intestinal issues. Certain medications could cause her intestines to rupture and kill her. Link to comment
alli Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Yes ,my mom has had osteoporosis for years and has bone density scans all the time. She has severe arthritis in her spine ,three herniated discs ,a broken vertebrae and severe degeneration. She's very limited as to what medication she can take because she also has severe intestinal issues. Certain medications could cause her intestines to rupture and kill her. Wow, that all must be so difficult for her and for you too. I don't know what else to say but I hope things turn around for your family soon. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 I just feel overwhelmed and helpless. And they all live three hours from me. Link to comment
Mischa234 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I just feel overwhelmed and helpless. And they all live three hours from me. This will sound heartless, but that's probably a good thing. The hardest part is when they live nearby and you are needing to check up on them all the time out of this overwhelming sense of guilt and obligation... my father lives in a nursing home about 45 mins away and guilts me constantly for not visiting more. That is emotionally exhausting. You are probably lucky that you don't have to worry about that aspect daily and can go visit on weekends or something. Maybe take them some flowers or gifts, I find that helps me because I feel like I've left a piece of me behind to let him know he's on my mind and I'm watching over him (I take mp3 players, tablets, big cards filled in by family members with photos attached etc). Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Well ,no they never guilt me to come visit. My dad does not actually want me to come visit. I have a very estranged relationship with my dad. He was an extremely abusive parent. I do love him but I don't like who he is. We can't go every weekend as we have our own jobs here, and it causes too much stress for our son. ( He has autism) Link to comment
Mischa234 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Well ,no they never guilt me to come visit. My dad does not actually want me to come visit. I have a very estranged relationship with my dad. He was an extremely abusive parent. I do love him but I don't like who he is. We can't go every weekend as we have our own jobs here, and it causes too much stress for our son. ( He has autism) Not every weekend. Perhaps every 4-6 weeks if you can organise it... or you could go on your own for a day here and there. How old is your son? I have been wanting to ask you about Asperger's Syndrome because I think my older brother has it but we have never had him formally diagnosed (parents wouldn't allow him to be "labelled" - worst thing you can do for an autism spectrum disorder is not to intervene!). Link to comment
Mischa234 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 May I ask what indicators made you seek out an assessment? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 I have a lot of stuff in my journal here : But if you have more questions it's probably easier to ask me in that journal. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Sorry to hear Vic --- the helpless feeling is so stressful. I remember with my mum --- the "I can't fix it" seemed crushing. But --- there in lies the crux. You (we) cannot fix it. So we must focus on what we can do. And part of that is taking care of yourself so that you can be a resource to those that are closer to the front, so to speak. Hugs. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Sorry to hear Vic --- the helpless feeling is so stressful. I remember with my mum --- the "I can't fix it" seemed crushing. But --- there in lies the crux. You (we) cannot fix it. So we must focus on what we can do. And part of that is taking care of yourself so that you can be a resource to those that are closer to the front, so to speak. Hugs. Yeah,the looking after myself is a difficult concept for me at times. I have been run ragged past two weeks running back-and-forth from home. I think I traveled something like 2300 km last week. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Uggh --- especially in the weather up there. At the same time my mum was going through her ordeal, the stress of it brought on heart issues with my brother (53) and he had to have a procedure, which didn't take and had to be done again. And I realized --- my plate was full. I talked to his gf, and basically said that---- she and his neighbors/friends had to be there for him because I could not do more than I was doing with mum. I know you want to be there for all of them --- but you are only one person. Prioritize and remember that there is only so much that can be done. And it isn't all on you. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I also say old age is not for the faint of heart. Unfortunately, when you are middle-aged, your parents enter old age and all the medical issues that happen. Try to keep perspective and recognize that you cannot stop old age and the cycle of life, but you can provide love and support to help ease their troubles. If you focus on the gloom and doom and allow yourself to sink into depression about the fact that they are having many of the usual problems that come with age, you will have a hard time providing the support. When my parents got old, I focused on trying to keep their spirits up and help them in any way they could rather than slipping into a 'it's not fair' or 'i'm helpless' mode. You are helpless to stop their aging etc., but you are not helpless to remain upbeat and trying to bring joy into their lives. When my mother got increasingly sick, i focused on asking her every day what I could do with her, and looking for little things to bring her job or to bring into the hospital and ultimately nursing home because she became paralyzed from a stroke. I brought her little treats every day, got her a CD player and nice music, spent time with her talking, visited her every single day etc. So focus on the positive things you can do, not the negative things that you cannot fix. And put your efforts into getting involved with their doctors and understanding what is going on and helping them process it. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Uggh --- especially in the weather up there. At the same time my mum was going through her ordeal, the stress of it brought on heart issues with my brother (53) and he had to have a procedure, which didn't take and had to be done again. And I realized --- my plate was full. I talked to his gf, and basically said that---- she and his neighbors/friends had to be there for him because I could not do more than I was doing with mum. I know you want to be there for all of them --- but you are only one person. Prioritize and remember that there is only so much that can be done. And it isn't all on you. I am sorry you had to deal with this too. I am glad my husband's sister is down there so she handles most of their family's stuff. But his dad keeps calling for him. My brother is living with my mom for now because he's going through a very nasty divorce. But his kids are over there half the time as well creating more work for her. I'm sure that's why she's not healing. Plus she still has a two-year-old foster baby she cares for. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 It's just hard for me to conceptualize because my parents aren't that old. My parents are only 68 which really isn't old. My husband's parents though are in their 80s. My parents were only 20 years old when I was born. Whereas my husband's parents were almost 40 when he was born. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 awww vic , your lot are having a right time of it ..sending you lots of love , its so hard not been there .. I wish for good health and quick recovery for them both and lots of strength for you to cope with it all xxxx Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 >>My parents are only 68 which really isn't old. Well, that doesn't sound old, but remember that anything over 60 is definitely elderly. A lot of it is genetics... some people can easily live to 80+, but lots of people also decline and pass in their 60s. The health problems really do start in the 60s... so they are just entering that phase where they will spend a lot of time with doctors. The good news is nowadays there are lots of treatments and medications where people can stave off a lot of things that used to end people's lives. But it is a time of change, and you need to adjust your expectations to see these as things to be dealt with rather than just 'depressing.' People deal with all the childhood illnesses without getting depressed, because they have the expectation that children will get sick. The same applies to the elderly... they just have more health needs than people in the prime of life do. But you need to enjoy your parents and elderly relatives as long as they are here and help them enjoy their lives as much as they can. That is what you should focus on not on the 'sadness' of it all. That will overwhelm you as they go thru the normal vagaries of aging, so you need to shift to trying to fill your own life and theirs with as much meaning and joy as possible. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 Well ,there's no way to enjoy my dad but the others , yes. But I know for my mom if anybody even called her old let alone elderly she would probably kick them up their rump... Lol. Because she doesn't even look close to elderly she looks like she's only about 50. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 awww vic , your lot are having a right time of it ..sending you lots of love , its so hard not been there .. I wish for good health and quick recovery for them both and lots of strength for you to cope with it all xxxx Thanks sweetie. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Oh, I am 'elderly' myself. But i feel young! Which I attribute to a positive attitude. That is the most important thing, to not treat aging with doom and gloom. There are positive things about every life stage, and different challenges in each of them too. The good news is there is a lot more freedom when older due to retirement and a maturity younger people don't have mentally, BUT there are health challenges that must be dealt with. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 Oh, I am 'elderly' myself. But i feel young! Which I attribute to a positive attitude. That is the most important thing, to not treat aging with doom and gloom. There are positive things about every life stage, and different challenges in each of them too. The good news is there is a lot more freedom when older due to retirement and a maturity younger people don't have mentally, BUT there are health challenges that must be dealt with. I agree there are positives to every life age. My husband's parents have been retired for 22 years. My dad was forced into retirement due to disability. And my mom (68)and my stepdad(75) are not retired yet. My stepdad wants to keep working he said he could never just be retired not ever. He loves going to work. Link to comment
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