Love or Money?

[sheiscourtney]

Hi everyone, this is my first thread so I'm really excited to see how many people have the same problem as I do. Honestly, I feel so alone right now and just want reassurance that everything will be okay.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 and a half years now. We are both 21 and he started working at a Gold Mine about two years ago and his schedule is two weeks on and one week off. The mine is about a two hour commute from there to our home. He stays out there for the whole two weeks and it's incredibly hard for me. He doesn't seem to mind it. It's really hard for me because we've been together awhile now and I'm just used to seeing him every day. Now that he works so far away and that I don't get to see him much anymore, it's breaking me apart. It's especially hard when he leaves to go back to work and I just cry and feel depressed the whole time he's gone. I'm thankful that we still get to talk to eachother through Facebook Messenger or the texting apps. Where he works, he doesn't have cell service, just wifi.

 

It just drives me crazy knowing that he can come home every night, but the thing is that he will lose quite a bit of money by doing that. I asked him if he could try it out, but he said that he will think about it. So far, he's been thinking about it for about a year now and I'm just getting really tired of him not giving me a proper answer, like yes or no. Sometimes I think if he's all in it for the money, and not our relationship. Although he tells me so much that he wants to make money to support us both. I just wish there was a job in town that pays well like the job he has now.

 

We recently moved into an apartment together about two months ago and we both love it. Before that, we lived at my parents house. We got into the apartment, thinking that we would become closer and whatnot, but it seems like we're just drifting apart because how he's gone pretty much for 2/3 of the year. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, but to me, I think that too much distance isn't good. I trust him no matter what, but I just think being together will strenghten us even more.

 

I have a full-time job and so when he comes in for the week, we do have distance from eachother, which is good.

 

I can say I'm obsessed with him, but in a healthy way. I think about him non-stop but I don't get to the point where I call or text him every hour asking how things are going.

 

I like to go to the gym too to ease my mind. But sleeping alone is just the absolute worst when he's gone. I get ticked off knowing that he can come home every night, but to him, I think he just wants to support and stabilize our relationship. I have really awesome friends too, but it's weird to have him not be here.

 

I believe money doesn't buy happiness in this type of situation. Money is an important factor to life, but I'd just rather be with the one I love, spending valuable time with eachother, while still getting decent paychecks.

 

I just get to the point where I sometimes want to break up, but I know that won't help either. I love him to death and I know that God put us together for a reason and breaking up is not an option for us.

 

I just want to know some tips or advice anyone could give me with dealing with this matter. How can I cope with everthing and what do you think can help me out? I just want to be a independent woman and not reply on my boyfriend to make me happy, as I can make myself happy too. I just need to be in the right place and think differently.

 

Thanks everyone, I hope ya'll are having a great day.

 

-Courtney

[mhowe]

If he has been thinking about it but not changing it for a year...you have your answer.

[chickadeedee]

Well, your problem is he seems perfectly happy with the relationship and you are not. Some people are fine with situations like this where one person travels or is gone a lot, and some are not.

 

So you have to be honest with him. Tell him this is just not working for you, and you'd like him to find a job where you can both be together. Or you find a job where he is now. And if he won't agree to finding a job with a normal schedule where he comes home every night, then it is up to you to decide whether you can live with that or not. It sounds like you can't.

 

Also keep in mind if he stays in this job and you do marry and have kids, you will mostly be raising those kids by yourself 2/3rds of the time. So you have to decide what your bottom line is, and talk to him about it. Then if he decides keeping this job is more important to him than finding a job where you can live together full time, then you have your answer, he's chosen job/separate lifestyle as more important than your relationship. You can't make him do something he doesn't want to do (i.e., change jobs), but you can decide how you want to live your life, and whether he is someone who has the same goals as you do. It sounds like he doesn't. A successful relationship is about a lot more than just love feelings, it also has to have common goals and desires to live a similar lifestyle.

[Clinton]

Money can't buy you love, but it can buy you the kind of misery you can really enjoy.

[happyfrank]

No romance without finance.

 

weddings, family and health insurance. It all cost money. I think what your boyfriend is doing is very noble.

 

He is only 21. Very young man with plenty of time to grow. The money you two save will help you two in the long run.

[blueidealist24]

I know this won't make you feel much better, but it could be worse. You could be completely long-distance and only be able to see him for visits. If you don't want to break up with him, I think you'll have to get some more hobbies or make some more friends outside of your job and him so you won't have so much time to think about him when you're not at work yourself. Do you ever do video chat over Skype? If you could do that in the evenings, that might make you feel better, since it'll seem more like he's there, even though he's not actually in the room.

[sheiscourtney]

Thank you everyone. I just seem to be a little obsessed and dependent towards him, I guess you can say. Yes it could be much worse and I'm really proud of him and who he has become. I just wish I could see him more like how we used to. We are both very young, and we don't have kids or we're not engaged yet, but we are heading towards that direction. When we do have kids, I'm sure he will change his work schedule so he can be home more.

[SpottiOtti]

I understand what your boyfriend is trying to do, and I also understand how you are feeling. I think you should sit down with him when he's home and tell him bluntly that this is not working for you, you are not able to do long distance like this, and ask him for a time limit. If he's saving to buy a house or to buy you a ring, or whatever, then he should have a rough idea of how much he wants to save and how long it will take to save it. Compromise and tell him you will wait it out for however long he needs (within reason), as long as there's an end date to this situation.

 

But then you also have work to do. You need to work on being "obsessed and dependent towards him". That is not healthy and it is likely contributing to the way you are feeling about the situation. When I read that it's been two years and you still cry every time he leaves and are depressed the whole time he is gone, I thought that's a bit extreme and seems to signal that there is something going on with you that needs to be addressed. What are your goals for life and for career? What matters to you, outside of the relationship? Use the time he's away to work on that stuff.

[sheiscourtney]

I try to be strong in the situation, but I still end up crying when he leaves. It's definitely not healthy for me to be this weak and I'm trying my absolute best. But I guess I just feel really lonely. Most of my friends moved down south and I'm up here in Alaska, in a rural community where you feel trapped. I live in Juneau, Alaska where there's no roads out and that the only way out is by plane or ferry. This might be why I feel so alone and unhappy. My boyfriend is pretty much the only person I talk to about anything and everything, and since my friends don't live here, it's hard for me to talk to someone one on one of what's going on. And to be honest, my family is disfunctional and my mom is the only one I talk to about anything, which really helps me, but I sure wish I had more close family here.

 

I do think about our future and our careers, babies, home, saving money..etc. and I always think of how we can better ourselves. Maybe I should think about it more and have more goals.

[DancingFool]

Sounds like you need to focus more on figuring out a new social life, making at least one new friend, maybe getting involved in something with your community - volunteer work, hobby, anything. You really can't go through life depending on him for full companionship, friendship, entertainment and social life. That's too much to bear for one person and ultimately it doesn't work out for either person involved. A large part of your unhappiness is essentially your lack of a personal social life and he is just easy to lean on. Don't do that.

[chickadeedee]

>>When we do have kids, I'm sure he will change his work schedule so he can be home more.

 

Never make assumptions. Have you actually talked about your future with him and whether he intends to make this his permanent job or not, or a concrete date at which he will stop this kind of work and move to an area where you both can be employed in jobs with regular schedules? If you don't have concrete plans that you've made together, it is all just an assumption.

 

Some men enjoy these types of 'frontier' jobs where they go off and be in the company of men in manly pursuits and get their sense of satisfaction and identity from doing that. They want someone at home 'holding down the fort', but may tremendously enjoy their work world and world of manly pursuits and have no real intention of changing careers.

 

So if you don't have any concrete plans, you need to sit down and start having these discussions. How would you feel if in 5 years this is still the way it is? Or he announces he loves his career and doesn't intend to leave it and you'll just have to make do with the kids yourself?

 

You can frame youself as 'weak' or else frame yourself as someone who wants her man to have a regular job and come home at night rather than being elsewhere 2/3rds of the time. I think you would feel a lot better if you had a concrete end date, as in he promises to find another job and stop working the gold mine job by Spring of 2016. If all you have from him is 'yeah, maybe i'll quit someday' or 'i'll think about it' (then tells you nothing more for over a year), that is no guarantee of anything at all and no plan other than he intends to keep working this job indefinitely.

 

And is he actually banking money so that he can leave this job and plan for the future? Or just enjoying life and spending money? If he were banking most of his salary with the intention of quitting on a particular date, that should reassure you. If he is just spending money with no discussion of future plans to leave the job, then I suspect he is perfectly happy with the situation and doesn't intend to change it.

[Mari]

You're right about having goals. You two should be on the same page as to how sustainable it is to keep doing what you're doing. If it's not sustainable, be realistic as to how long you can easily pull off doing this. If you think you'd drift apart to the point of breaking up in two years then you should say you really have one year. Then your plan to get out of this situation should be within 6 months so that if it goes over it's still under a year. Your goal should be to find a job that makes life together sustainable. You don't have to be rich now but it has to be sustainable.

[bulletproof]

Sounds like you need to focus more on figuring out a new social life, making at least one new friend, maybe getting involved in something with your community - volunteer work, hobby, anything. You really can't go through life depending on him for full companionship, friendship, entertainment and social life. That's too much to bear for one person and ultimately it doesn't work out for either person involved. A large part of your unhappiness is essentially your lack of a personal social life and he is just easy to lean on. Don't do that.

 

I entirely agree with this. Regardless of his job, making statements about thinking about him non-stop or crying when he leaves still seems kind of unhealthy. You are certainly within your right to decide you don't want to be with someone who travels this much, but I do think you are tending toward the obsessive side about him.

[haliescharlie]

Just throwing this out there: is it possible if you can move out closer to him? Or maybe you two can find jobs in a non-remote area that are relatively close to home, even if you have to move.

 

I choose love over money. If you guys are going to marry each other, have kids, and essentially share a life together, it is depressing to think that your other half will be away all the time. You will spend time with your kids, while he will have much less time with them. You will drift apart. It's happened to my friends where their dad works away all the time. They aren't close to him at all and tend to resent their dads. It's not fair to them or you. Don't choose work over your life.

 

Do what's best for your future family. If you are serious, do what's necessary to be closer to each other.