I think he is cheating

[RedHead]

I have lived with my boyfriend for 8 years. He enjoys looking at the personals in yahoo, and porn sites.

He has been in contact with old girlfriends on the computer and the phone.

He has gone to one of there houses to fix their computer, who knows what else he fixed.

I know all this but he doesn't know that I know.

I have an engagement ring and the wedding rings, but he has never said when he wants to marry. In fact I have asked and he just says I don't know.

On our 7th anniversary of being together, i said why don't we get married on this date, of course he said no not now.

He is keeping it a secret about the computer stuff and that he talks to these old girlfriends on the phone.

I have no proof that he has done anything physical, I have told myself that as long as it's on the computer that I can deal with that, but the phone bothers me. Naturally he's calling them from his work.

He does go to people's home to fix there computers, and he will let me know when he does. But i went out with friends from work to eat dinner and he was not home when i got there, all he said was he was at so and so's house fixing there computer. But he had questioned me that week as to when I was going out to eat.

The next day i seen on the computer - her email - thanking him for fixing her computer - that told me that he had gone to her house the night I was out to eat.

So of course my imagination has drove me nutts. Did he touch her, did he have sex with her, he's been talking to her on the phone - how else would he have made arrangements to go fix her computer.

I just don't know what to think or do - I haven't said anything to him - because he doesn't know that I have a spy program on our computer.

So if i say anything - he will know - and I don't want him to stop typing because then I won't know what he is up to.

So am I just to keep going nutts - or just wait and be patient to see if he says anything has happened physically. Then if that's the case and he has had sex, then i confront him and then leave.

 

HELP

[babyphat06]

You should confront him with it. You shouldn't have to spy on his internet activities. You need to come out with the truth. There is no sense in beating yourself up when you could just hear the truth. If he's not ready to get married, why do u still live with him. You need to give him an ultimatum very soon. He will continue to do whatever he's doing unless you say something to him about it. He might just be fixing computers or he could be cheating. You'll never know unless you call him on it. Let me know what you decide to do.

[PrincessLinzay]

8 years is a long time, so it's not as though it will be easy to just walk away. Are you prepared to actually leave if you find out he has had sex with another woman? Or would you stay and try to stick it out?

 

Even when people have cheated, and are confronted with concrete evidence, they'll often just lie more, categorically deny any accusations you make, and get you to start believing them because you love them and want to believe them.

 

If you really feel that something unsavory is going on, I would have to question whether or not this is someone you really want to marry.

[melrich]

I guess from what you are saying there are no emails going around that suggest he is doing anything more than fixing computers?

 

If that is the case then another way to look at this is he is just fixing computers for old friends (exes or otherwise). Loking at porn on the net is only an issue if it bothers you, and if it does you should say so. Many guys will look at porn just because they are bored. If he's doing it daily then maybe you should be more concerned.

 

The yahoo personnals is a bit different. Is he responding or just looking? If he's responding you should definitely think about what that means.

 

I would not approach him yet because what you are doing is an invasion of privacy and it is possible that he is just a normal male PC user who happens to help out friends with their computer problems.

 

The marriage thing? Some guys just don't want to get married. How important is it to you? How do you guys get along otherwise? Is the sex life good? Do you communicate about most things?

 

I think you have to step back and take a look at the whole relationship and don't let everything focus down on what could amount to no big deal.

 

i am not saying nothing is happening but I don't think you have anything that you can approach him with and say "hey I have been spying on you and what do you have to saty about this".

[sisterlynch]

Look for evidence, keep a journal of everything that seems strange, so that you can remember it later.

[annie24]

I don't know about the whole being together for 7 years and no marriage yet. Do you want to get married? Is it important to you? I mean, what is he waiting for? There is never a "perfect" time to get married. If it's what you want, tell him. And if he still doesn't want to, you should get moving. If he hasn't realized after 7 years that you're the woman of his dreams, then you should find someone who feels that way about you.

 

Sorry, to me, it sounds like he's not sure he really wants to marry you and he's trying to keep his options open. I don't know - I could be misinterpreting the situation, I don't know you two personally, but the fact that he keeps postponing the wedding is a huge red flag to me.

[jasminebose]

Totally agree with Annie24, if he hasn't figured out yet he wants to make it permanent and is playing you (even if not physically) I would move on. Why do you think you only deserve someone who won't commit? Are you really fine with him looking at other women on the net or are you just prepared to 'put up with it'?? Personally I would't wait to find out he has been up to worse than you already know...get out!!

JZ

[deviousj420]

Ask yourself the following...

how has this made you feel?

do you enjoy feeling this way?

why do you let yourself feel this way?

how can you stop from feeling this way?

why wont you do that then?

make a list of the pro and cons, what weighs more?

you didnt mention how old you two were,

i suspect he may have commitment fears if your older then 27...

perhaps if you are young he is afraid of "missing out" and secretly checking out what he might be missing...

either way: confront him. calmly, rationally, easily.

do not attack, dont accuse - this will just make him feel defensive.

instead ask him questions like; how have you been feeling about us lately? where do you see our relationship going? are you sure your ready to fully commit? would you liek time to yourself?

ask him questions that make him open up, get to know he he feels first, then confront him.

say you came accross some things that made you uncomfortable and would just like some answers of reassurance. DO NOT ACCUSE! tell him how this has made you feel and ask why he never mentioned any of it to you..... if he says its cuz you woulda goteen mad, well then ask him would he rather you be mnad or upset? because this surely has upsetten you!

get back to me with whats happens...

i would really like to know

[RedHead]

Thank you for all your replies

we are both divorced

He is 46 and I'm 50

no kids in the house - so it's just us

we travel a lot - and do everything together

we have plans for the future and everything

but marriage is not in his vocabulary

 

and he can't seem to let go of his old girlfriends and for some reason those stupid B***h go alone with him.

i did confront him once about the porn and the personals and he said it was nothing and he was just learning.

 

but i do not trust him or those B***hes he talks to on the computer and the phone.

 

why do women do that - when they know the guy either has a wife or a live-in. i just don't understand - what do they get out of it - do they enjoy being the other woman.