Need advice

[James Alex]

I will try to make this as short as possible, but It requires alot of information. My girlfriend and I have been together for a year now, and for the sake of time I will just say that when it comes to our relationship, things have been wonderful and I couldn't ask for a cooler gal. Heres the problem...

 

I am 30 (she is 35), and we finally had something come up that has led her to inform me about her "history". I will first say that I am fully aware that her past has nothing to do with me, and all that matters is how she treats me etc etc. I understand that completely and have been very calm and understanding to her during this whole thing (although it has been rough). With that being said my problem is more of a "big picture" problem, and not just a jealousy issue. I am now 30 years old (was in the military for 10 years), and I try to do things with as much forethought and planning as possible. I have been in bad relationships in the past where I have been hurt, cheated on etc, and I am a huge believer of learning from my mistakes and not setting myself up for failure. The problem here is that I am at a point in my life where I am looking to settle down and want to ensure that the woman I might marry is wife material. With all that being said, I am strict about things like values, character, loyalty, commitment, judgment, integrity, and most importantly CONDUCT AND ACTIONS. When it comes to your advice, I am basically just trying to figure out if the skeletons of her pass should be a deal breaker or not. All I can do is use her facts and actions to decide if she is ultimatly the type of person I want to be with. here goes nothing.....

 

Facts that I have just found out:

 

* The two guys that she now consideres her "best friends" have been guys she has slept with in the past. (Kind of irritating but ok, whatever)

* She was a stripper in vegas for four years (told this to me when we first started dating, but assured me she has NEVER done anything but dance for a client)

* She has cheated on two differant guys in her past (says that it was a very long time ago, and that cheating is strongly against her rules)

* has slept with married men before (says it was 2, and that she had NO idea at the time)

* I found her AdultFriendFinder account (ensures me she looked at it once out of curiosity, but never did anything from that sight EVER)

* has been in 7 long term relationships over the years, but has been with 32 men total. (says they were all respectable and in good taste)

* has had a one night stand one time (claims it was once, and never again)

* their is a group of 5 guys (from her total), that she has slept with that all know each other and are friends. (says the circumstaces where all very far apart from each other etc)

* 2 of the 5 guys from above (and her) had a 3some a long time ago. one of the guys is from the first bullet (a "best friend"). (claims it was a one time thing from along time ago, and that she has never done anything like that again)

* one of her exes cheated on her numerous times, and she still slept with him again just before we got together. (claims love was involved)

* I found a text that she sent to a friend where she condoned "just hooking up with guys online" (but claims she has NEVER done that)

* today I found out that prior to her being a stripper she also worked as an escort for 8 months (says it was all just dancing and never anything more)

 

So thats the jist of it in a nutshell. As you can see there are ALOT of red flags that have made me very question the validity of our relationship. I have told her that I am not judging, but that I just need her to explain things, so I can understand and still keep 100% trust with her. I don't want to ever think she is a (rhymes with mut), so I have simply asked her to explain things so I can understand them, and put them into perspective. She has talked me through all of these issues, and has explained them so that they all appear to be understandable and nothing out of line or dirty etc. She has assured me that she is no longer a cheater, has never done anything sexual for money, and that she has always treated herself with respect and dignity with the partners she has been with. She has told me she understands if her past is too much to handle, but has assured me that she would never do anything to hurt me. I hope your advice is aimed to answer a couple basic questions:

 

1. should this info make me uneasy? would YOU be concerned?

2. would you stay with someone with this type of background?

3. should anything or all of it a deal breaker?

4. would you consider her a you know what? (silly question, but I am curious)

5. WHAT DO I DO! PLEASE HELP! (thank you for any and all advice you may have. I am just confused and hurt) thank you!!!

[MiniMe]

Everyone has a past, people do good and bad and learn from mistakes as you say.

 

But having said this, a lot of the time character and good morals and values are brought up from a young age. Of course it is possible to change over time but not unless the person goes through a major change in their outlook.

 

My advice would be take your time, if you notice small lies or small inconsistencies than these are the real RED flags. If the women is honest with you about all of this and wants to turn a new page than that's up to you.

 

Another thing, if you are both considering marriage then talking to a third party 100% honest about your point of view and hers should be definitely on the cards. You don't want to make that decision with doubt or distrust.

 

The fact that you ask these questions says to me the relationship has not yet progressed enough to consider marriage at the moment.

[Tinydance]

1. should this info make me uneasy? would YOU be concerned?

 

Yes, I think I would be somewhat concerned. I think it really depends on what kind of values and morals people have, as you said. I know some strippers/escorts/prostitutes, etc. have a long-term partner and it appears that the partner is obviously fine with it, otherwise they wouldn't be with that person. As for me, this type of revelation would concern me as well. I'm not saying that I would immediately break up with that person, but I would definitely feel uncomfortable and above all wonder why that person had never told me that before. It's a difficult situation because a part of me wants to say that I would not date someone like this, but then if I loved the person and they no longer did those things, maybe I'd just let it go. Also keeping in mind even some strippers, prostitutes, etc. actually have a college degree or even now work in a professional industry!

 

2. would you stay with someone with this type of background?

 

Depends on how much I felt for them, whether I loved being in that relationship, and thought we were a good long term match. I don't think I would leave them based only on this.

 

3. should anything or all of it a deal breaker?

 

Well, yes, for some people all of it will be a total deal breaker, but for others it won't be. I think it would definitely make me question that person's integrity but if they assured me they have no done this for a while and won't do it again, maybe I'd consider staying with them. Again, completely depends on the person.

 

4. would you consider her a you know what? (silly question, but I am curious)

 

Well, yes, to a degree I would, but then it just depends on your personal views on it.

 

5. WHAT DO I DO! PLEASE HELP!

 

Sorry to be a fence sitter, but that is your choice. I can't tell you what to do. Do you love this woman? Can you see a future with her? Can you trust her that she won't revert to these things again? I think you need to answer those questions first.

[greta96]

1. should this info make me uneasy? would YOU be concerned?

2. would you stay with someone with this type of background?

3. should anything or all of it a deal breaker?

4. would you consider her a you know what? (silly question, but I am curious)

5. WHAT DO I DO! PLEASE HELP! (thank you for any and all advice you may have. I am just confused and hurt) thank you!!!

 

1. Yes, it should. I would be VERY concerned, especially regarding my own health after having had sex with someone like that.

2. No, not a chance

3. All of it

4. Yep

5. Nobody can tell you what to do, that's your personal choice and preference.

PS - Escorts don't just dance (well, they do but only if the guys who rented them wanted companionship to something that involved dancing). They do way more than that. Given the fact that she chose to make money by using her body, I highly doubt she didn't have sex way more than she admitted to you. She probably thought the numbers she gave you were conservative, I can only imagine what those numbers look like in reality.

 

Bottom line: I am afraid you won't find the type of partner you seem to be looking for in this particular woman. Your average, decent woman won't work as an escort, strip, or make accounts on Adult Friend Finder. The spelling is right there on the wall, read it!

[James Alex]

I was afraid this was going to happen. This has been the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in a relationship. I know red flags when I see them, but the problem is that I am trying so hard to trust that she is a differant person than how I see her now. She has been the best girl to me, but all I can do is look at her prior actions and conduct in order to try to figure out the type of person she is. It is important to me, and I am sure with most people that values and character traits should be on the same page. I really just feel like I will end up hurt again down the road. MiniMe: Thank you for the advice. I think you are exactly right. At this point I just need to decide if I can forgive and forget, and trust that she that has changed. I am taking it slow with her, she knows I am in a hard place, and she knows I am watching closely. This whole thing has been rough but I will be proceeding with caution. Tinydance: You are correct as well, and I appreciate the advice. I am in a tough spot with all this because I can't allow myself more wasted time of being in a relationship with the wrong woman. It would be a waste of my time, and a waste of hers. I am trying very hard to find the right reasons to stay, and give her the benefit of the doubt, but then I start thinking about this exactly how greta96 thinks about it. I would never want to disrespect her by forcing a relationship if deep down I just see her in a bad light. Thats not fair to her, and I respect her too much to do that. I fear that I will always be looking through her phone or always thinking she is doing something behind my back. I have to be able to trust the person I am with. greta96: You were spot on as well with the other 50% of my perspective. I am struggling with hearing this information, because I had always assumed she was so much more conservative with her sexual prowess. Their is a HUGE differamce between a respectfull single woman, versus being that other type. I am sure you get my drift. My heart wont't stop hurting. I try my best to bottle it up and put it away, but I am strugglinh with making sense of all this. I am crushed. Taking all your advice into consideration, I will give it a little time to see if our relationship can heal. I will take things slow for right now, but if this ends up being a deal breaker, I am just going to be honest with her. I thought I knew her better than that. Anyway, thank you all for your help, I really just needed a second opinion. I guess I will see what happens from here.