Boyfriend texting other girl, lying about it?

[Icicle]

We've been together for slightly more than 5 years now. I am insecure and paranoid whilst he has anger issues so clearly we both have things to work on. Our relationship has had some issues in the beginning because of these traits, but we have grown to accept them, and our relationship has been good.

 

Yesterday I borrowed his phone to take a picture and when I was going to send it to my phone through whatsapp, he snatched his phone away from me before I could see anything. That got me feeling suspicious but I just sent my picture, but caught a glimpse of a girls name that I didn't recognize that said "goodnight. Sweet dreams." at 12am. I'm usually ok with him talking to girls, but because he snatched his phone away from me, I asked him who she was. Of course the answer was "she's just a friend". Every night we talk on the phone, and we usually go to sleep together at about 10.. But apparently he was texting this girl till 12 but led me to believe that he was asleep.

 

Apparently he has only known her for a week, and he said he snatched the phone away from me because he didn't want me to overthink things because of my paranoia. He showed me their conversations and I realized that he's been talking to her from day to night, literally replying each other every minute. This kind of made me upset because he never replies me right away - let alone for the entire day. He told me that he only lied to me because he didn't want to upset me.

 

I don't think he's cheating on me, but these little white lies has really gotten the best of me. It's been in my mind so much, that if he could lie to me about something so simple, the worst is yet to come. He's leaving to study abroad in 2 weeks and I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. Am I being crazy and paranoid or is it a real fear that I should have?

[greta96]

No, you are not being crazy and paranoid, and you have every reason to be worried and angry. In this type of situations, after a 5 year long relationship, you don't get scared and weak, you get angry and tough. It is extremely disrespectful, not to mention suspicious, for your boyfriend to be texting the whole day to a girl he only met a week ago, and if he hasn't cheated yet, he's definitely planning to. Or, at the very least, he's doing some good old emotional cheating.

If he's going to study abroad, so your relationship will become long distance, I think you should take the opportunity and move on. I don't know how you would be able to trust him anyway, if he's doing this kind of things when he's here close to you, I can only imagine what he'll do when he's away.

 

I'm sorry I don't have a more encouraging response, but it just doesn't sound promising to me. And I think you would make a mistake if you put your life on hold while he's away, thinking you are in a relationship, while he's doing who knows what with who knows who without bothering to break things off with you first.

[Loriana]

Iceice,

 

If this girl was just a "friend" he wouldn't have snatched the phone away from you and he wouldn't be texting her every minute of every day either. I have friends and I'm not texting them every minute of every day so no in this situation you aren't being paranoid.

 

If he is leaving to study abroad then I think this will only make you more suspicious and you will be constantly wondering if he is cheating on you. If he is texting a girl now can you imagine the things he could get up to when he goes away to study?

 

To save you all this worry I think it will be in your best interest to end the relationship. He is texting another girl every minute of the day, he doesn't respect you and you deserve to be with someone who does respect you.

[Snny]

Apparently he has only known her for a week, and he said he snatched the phone away from me because he didn't want me to overthink things because of my paranoia. He showed me their conversations and I realized that he's been talking to her from day to night, literally replying each other every minute.

He is not being appropriate. He should not be frequently texting another girl throughout the entire day when he is in a relationship with you. Trust your gut feeling on this- you are not being insecure here based on his suspicious behavior.

 

This kind of made me upset because he never replies me right away - let alone for the entire day. He told me that he only lied to me because he didn't want to upset me.

Exactly. He is using a smokescreen excuse of appearing to "protect" you and that what he is doing will benefit your relationship with him. In reality, he is pulling this to avoid conflict. He knows exactly what he is doing and is sneaking around. Don't fall for this.

 

He has already violated your trust by being caught with a lie. If he loves you, he should be owning up to that mistake by re-establishing your trust. He isn't doing so if he is frequently talking to another girl throughout the entire day.

 

In his defense, it is his phone. You have no business to use it if you aren't footing his cell bill. However, how he is using it to stay in frequent contact with another woman whenever he is around you is the problem. You should be his ultimate focus, not her.

 

You need to drop him. He doesn't want to commit to you and he is a scumbag. He is emotionally cheating on you and won't admit to it.

[chickadeedee]

>>I don't think he's cheating on me,

 

Of course he's cheating on you, emotionally for sure, and maybe even physically if he can get away with it. Nobody texts 'goodnight, sweet dreams' after texting all day and night unless there is something going on there that is more than just casual friendship.

 

You've been together 5 years.. is there a reason it hasn't proceeded to marriage? Relationships have an arc where if he is truly committed to you (and you are now adults), he would normally at least propose after 5 years with a future wedding date planned. So he may just be hanging out in the relationship and either cheating on you for spice, or looking for a replacement for you and he'll leave when he thinks he's got someone he likes better than you.

 

I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that he is probaby on his way out, and feels fine about the idea of dating/cheating with other girls while he's with you! He should be turning all that attention and romance in your direction, not burning up his phone texting little romantic exchanges with other girls. I sadly don't think he is as committed to you and a future with you as you are to him.

 

btw, don't for a minute believe him telling you you are 'paranoid'. You're not paranoid if he's burning up his phone with sweet nothings to another girl! That is classic cheater behavior, to attack you and put you on the defensive to try to make you feel you are doing something wrong because you've caught them doing something shady.

[redswim30]

It sounds like he is using the fact that you are paranoid against you in this situation.

 

I have male friends, but I don't text them until the wee hours of the morning, and I certainly don't snatch my phone away if my husband was using it. Because I don't say anything inappropriate to male friends. There is NOTHING on my phone

or in my conversations with male friends that my husband can't see. So, I wouldn't need to worry about anything he saw.

 

People who have nothing to hide, have nothing to conceal.

 

He's cheating on you emotionally at the very least. The fact he's being SO defensive about it is even more worrying. If she really was just a platonic friend, he wouldn't have snatched it away so quickly. There is CLEARLY something on there he doesn't want you to see.

 

If I noticed my husband texting a female I didn't know about yet, here's how the conversation would go.

 

ME: Oh hey, you got a message from so and so. Who is she?

 

HIM: Oh she's a friend of mine at work. Her name is Amber, we've been debating this article in the news

 

ME: Oh cool. What's your side of the debate?

 

HIM: I got her with a great zinger, look. *SHOWS ME THE CONVERSATION*

 

See what I mean? If I asked who it was and his immediate reaction was snatching his phone out of my hand, you BET I'd be worried and I am NOT a paranoid person by nature. I believe couples can have opposite gender friends, no issues with that.

Your BF is bullying you, by taking what he knows is an insecurity of yours and using it to his advantage in this situation. If someone really is just "a friend", especially someone you KNOW isn't a "best friend" or someone doing you just a favor that may require late-night communication, it IS very fishy that he's talking to her at those hours and non-stop. It ISN'T normal and yes, you SHOULD be worried.

 

If I were you, I 'd say to him. " I'd really prefer that you tell me about future communications with her. I'm also really uncomfortable with you speaking to a female friend at all hours of the night. You know I have paranoia issues, and I think you need to show me a little respect in that regard. I don't mind you having female friends, but we need to talk about boundaries."

 

But if you notice this keeps happening, I would consider leaving the relationship. Right now, he's showing you little to no respect and blaming you to cover up for his poor behavior.

[Snny]

You've been together 5 years.. is there a reason it hasn't proceeded to marriage? Relationships have an arc where if he is truly committed to you (and you are now adults), he would normally at least propose after 5 years with a future wedding date planned.

I would be careful with this advice in general. Just because someone is in a long term engagement doesn't mean it's time to jump in a marriage. There are many reasons why a couple may not be ready for marriage. I was proposed in my 7th year of my relationship because my husband and I weren't ready.

 

But like everyone said... Based on this man's behavior with the way he dismisses the OP's suspicion and uses every pitiful excuse just to AVOID conflict are major signs that he isn't committed to the relationship.

[chickadeedee]

^^

I'm not suggesting she jump into marriage. I am suggesting that if she is still only his GF after 5 years, she should wonder about his commitment level to her especially after finding him burning up the phone with intimate and 'private' texts to other women.

 

If one person wants marriage and commitment and the other person balks and refuses to give it, then there is an imbalance in goals/commitments. If both people want to postpone and not marry that is fine, but many women just keep throwing away their time on someone who isn't that committed just waiting for a proposal that will never come, or wasting time with a man who believes in leaving his options open for a 'better' woman should she come along.

[ParisPaulette]

Yes, he is cheating on you. ANd you are being gaslighted to think it's just you being "paranoid." Don't think so? Then if she's just a friend surely he can invite her over to your place for dinner, so you all can meet right? Surely you have the right to call her up and say, "Hi, I don't think we've met, but I'm so and so's girlfriend. I know you two are friends, but thought I'd just say hi too."

 

See what her reaction is. If it's all as innocent as he claims it'll be fine, right? I mean, you two do have a good enough relationship that there's no hiding anything from each other and of course you share friends and family and each other's lives. It's been five years, surely you are to that stage by now.

[sunnyone]

First of all, not every suspicion you will ever have is because of "paranoia". You have a right to normal concerns like everyone else. Don't allow him to label you that way. If this were me I would be questioning it too. He is not the only person with an investment in this relationship. You have given of your heart, your mind, your time into building something with him. Do not under estimate the value of that. Even if he doesn't reflect back to you that it has value. It most certainly does. And my personal feeling is he isn't treating you with respect.

 

Even if your relationship breaks up. Don't ever forget that your contribution of love and support is important. In any relationship. It makes the other person feel good. It supports their involvement. That is not worthless. You need someone who can value that and their own efforts. That is how people build a relationship. Is he building a relationship and future with you? You have to decide what you will and won't accept. My advice is to give your best, but find someone who give their best and value it in each other.

[sunnyone]

Yes. He is a player. I hate that he uses this idea of her being "paranoid" against her. What a dweeb. Real men don't treat women that way.

[BitterSweet526]

As someone who was just in this predicament and took the opposite advice from everyone on this forum, I strongly urge you to listen and move on. Take the time he is away studying abroad as a time to learn yourself and to be on your own. After being in a relationship for over a decade, I thought that we had gone through enough petty drama and typical relationship issues that we were on a good path. Wrong! In the same way you went to send a picture and caught that slight text exchange, was the same way I caught him. He did the "you're paranoid" bit then the blame game bit, "you shouldn't be in my phone, you need to respect my privacy" and each time I tried to forget and move on the more my heart knew something wasn't right. Eventually, the meaningless texts became a full blown love affair and everything we had built in our entire relationship was worth nothing. I left for a few months, but after awhile my loneliness and unwillingness to accept we were over, lead me to accept his mediocre apologies and pleas for me to comeback. Now being back together for almost a year, it's been the worst year of my life. I hate him, I hate myself and it's a constant feeling of insecurity, resentment and betrayal. You don't want to be in this place where the only reason you're still in the relationship is because you don't want anyone reaping from the hard work you put in. Letting go is hard, it's much harder than staying.. But take all the good that you remember from the relationship and the love you have left and keep it for yourself because once that last piece of trust is gone you will just be condemning yourself. Be strong and move on, 5 years may seem like a lot of time but it's never too late .. You will get through it and the right man will find you.

[daisybush]

just catch him when he will do this texting and tell him if he dnt wana be in this relation then just move ahead and dnt waste your and his time in fake relationship.