Finding peace in being single

[Scout]

Has anyone experienced this? After four years of unsuccessful dating in Colorado, I have found myself feeling a sudden peace with the fact that I'm single.

 

It happened this week, for no real reason really. I guess I just finally reached my limit of beating myself up for the fact I don't have a partner, agonizing about why it didn't work out with this person, or that person...and with this peace, came a feeling of relief that I am going to stop subjecting myself to this anxiety, and instead, really work on achieving some personal goals.

 

I always thought in order for me to have real security, it would take two incomes. But you know what? If I work hard and take action, eventually I'm going to be able to make enough money to make sure I'm financially independent, and maybe have some of the "good things" in life.

 

Plus, I am just tired. Tired of making so much effort, tired of trying to constantly be "on", fun to be around, not get irritated when a guy doesn't call, or acts like a jerk. I'm just tired of the effort it takes to date, to tell you the truth. I didn't know it was going to be such a monumental effort to find a somewhat compatible partner, and frankly I'm sick of looking. Now is the time to do what I have to do to make something of my life, and the whole dating thing was a huge distraction for me. I had placed having a partner as the ultimate ideal, and so I was constantly setting myself up for failure when inevitably, a relationship didn't work out.

 

This may come accross as giving up on dating, but it just feels like something more positive than that - and a little scarier. Rather, I'm admitting to myself that for a long time I wanted someone to help shoulder the burden. The truth is, I can take care of myself. Yes, it will take a lot of work to achieve my goals, but at least its something I can control. If I make the effort, I'll achieve them. Unlike in dating, where you can't control what the other person does, thinks or feels.

 

So, that's where I'm at right now, and I was wondering if anyone has had a similar epiphany, of sorts. I just feel so much more at peace than I did even a week ago.

[BrandonBo]

man....thats crazy if i dont find someone i hope thats what i will feel but id much rather have a partner

[Scout]

Yeah, I'm surprised I feel this way, too! It's...different. But honestly, it feels so much better than the constant anxiety I was going through before. I'm not sure what changed for me, but I hope it lasts!

[Jetta]

I think it sounds like a great place to be and a perfect way to run into that ideal partner. Hey you've gotta have hope.

[wlfpack81]

Well, I guess in you're class I'm glad you found happiness. But for me I can't / won't accept the fact I may be single forever. If it comes down to it I may just have to go mail order bride or something or "shudder" ask to be hooked up on a blind date w/someone.

[iamwhoiam]

i can completely relate to the way you are feeling. i have had my fair share of long-term relationships and dating in the past. but i haven't had a "serious" relationship in quite some time.

 

during my "single" time i have actually learned so much more about myself. i have pursued others interests...i started sewing and recently learned to crochet, i took a pottery class. i am "okay" with staying home on a saturday night and just watching a movie-alone. i go to the gym when I want, clean my room when I wish, and stay in bed until noon on a sunday, if I so desire.

 

it actually feels very freeing and very refreshing. i am not sitting around waiting for a phone call. or, like you expressed, i am not upset about a guy treating me poorly or not meeting my expectations. i have relinquished the need to have a partner.

 

instead, i am completely at peace with being me...independent, self-reliant, and content with that.

 

i guess when they say you have to learn to love yourself before you can love another, they're right. it has taken me a long time to realize that, but i finally have. and in order to get here, i had to do it solo.

 

if i do meet a man who suits me one day, i believe i'll be ready. but, in the meantime, i'm not looking nor am i anxious. i'm okay with me, and that feels pretty good.

 

t

[Scout]

I'm not sure if what I was trying to convey in my post is really coming accross. Which is my fault for not properly expressing myself.

 

What I mean is not that I'm giving up on love...but I've come to the realization that another person is not what I should be depending on to fulfill my own dreams and goals. I spent so much time worrying that I was alone. You have no idea how much I agonized over it, and thought I was failure because of it. What this ended up doing was distracting me from taking some positive actions to better my life myself. I was placing way too much weight on thinking another person could bring me security.

 

Basically, here's where I'm at: I have a great deal of potential if I believe that I can take care of myself. It's a matter of having faith in myself. For example, I would like to be financially independent so I don't ever have to worry about taking care of myself when I'm old. I'd also like to buy a cabin and land in the mountains. There are ways I can make money, through my writing, if I become more disciplined, and get to work on some of my ideas.

 

But dating was distracting me from this, because I would find myself constantly wondering...does he like me? Why hasn't he called? Why did he get that look on his face when I made that comment? Etc., etc. It's really just a matter of clearing all of the anxiety-producing situations out of my life so I can truly focus on getting some things done.

 

Hope that makes sense. I'm not giving up on love, I just don't really care right now that I'm single. In fact, I'm looking at it more as a blessing, at this point in my life.

[Scout]

oops, sorry iamwhoiam - we must have posted at the same time! Maybe my first post did convey what I meant.

[iamwhoiam]

my thoughts exactly...

 

i'm glad to hear you've found internal peace.

 

and, if mr. right does come along, you'll be that much more appealing, having pursued your owns passions and interests.

 

t

[HajiMaji]

Hey, thats pretty cool and i gotta say congradulations on this new concept you are feeling. Thats awesome.

 

I want to ask you though, do you still want that emotional companionship? You mentioned a few seemingly "worldy" things such as financial stability, but does that traverse also over to your heart? Once i was in love for the first time it was like i was on this vessel for ultimate self expression. It was awesome. I guess im asking if you feel like you can be just as happy without a partner as if you had one.

 

I realize people are different. I realize people change too. I just know i love the whole romantic love idea. Its something im super interested in, so thats why your post interests me so much. I realize you have some expierence that i lack and some information i dont yet have. Maybe im too young, niave, and attached to the idea that i will be able to love someone and feel really good about it in my soul.

 

Regardless though, im glad to hear about that moment you had. Good luck with everything!!!

[sisterlynch]

I feel the same way. Once in a psychology class the teacher was asking the question, what age would you most want to be if you could be any age, and I didn't answer outloud, but I feel so much more at peace now than I used to when I was younger...it is a real source of relief when things slow down a bit and you feel like you are going at the same pace as those around you!!

 

Bravo!! Things that happened over the summer seem like they could have been years ago!! It is a weird sense of living in the moment.

[Scout]

I want to ask you though, do you still want that emotional companionship?

 

This is a very thought-provoking question. I would say the answer is "yes". But while I would never scoff at the chance to have it if it was dangling in front of my face, I don't hold it in the same regard that I did before. I guess before it was my number one desire, and now it's not.

[Scout]

Yes, SisterLynch, it's a gratifying feeling when that sense of peace finally cups our hearts.

 

HajiMaji, I just wanted to clarify a bit more for you...you mention the financial security as a worldly desire, and in its original context, it is. But to me, that security translates to something more, because when I was a kid and a teen, my life was pretty chaotic, not much stability or security. So, to know that I will always have a roof over my head and the means to take care of myself translates into something much more than just money for me - it's more like a sense of safety.

 

And I guess I just feel so happy that I've concluded I can create my own safety. It's a very liberating feeling for me, because of my past experiences and so on.

[Scout]

Some more thoughts on why I might have come to this conclusion...I started a new job a little over a month ago. It's been a while since I've worked out of my house, so I was around people more. I guess I had been getting pretty lonely working from home. Anyway, you know how it is when you work in a cubicle, you can hear everyone's conversations. So for the first month, I'm hearing one co-worker talk about the new house she and her husband just bought, another co-worker talk about the cruise she and her husband were going on, and another co-worker constantly on the phone with her boyfriend about where they were going to go skiing that weekend.

 

So, I kind of went on a pity party, thinking about how I had no one, and there must be something wrong with me, I was missing out on everything, etc., etc.

 

Well, as time went on, I learned the first co-worker is unhappy in her marriage, and she frequently hangs the phone up on her husband. She also spends an unusual amount of time with another (male) co-worker. The one who is going on a cruise with her husband...told me marriage isn't all its cracked up to be. Her husband is kind of on the cheap side, and I guess they have other problems. The girl who is always on the phone with her boyfriend has apparently slept with at least one male co-worker, and rumor has it, more than just one.

 

So I realized - I was looking at their lives through extremely rose-colored glasses, and once again, idealizing relationships as a "perfect" state.

 

Then, I kind of had a crush on a guy I work with who seems like he has it all. I really thought, wow, if I could get a guy like that, what a catch! I've sense learned he is probably an alcoholic, actually, and maybe not such a catch. Once again, I had put someone on a pedestal...

 

Coupling all that with how I as already feeling weary with the dating world, and a growing realization that the corporate world is NOT for me, and I should probably map out a long-term goal for writing projects...well, that's how I came to my great epiphany.

[iamwhoiam]

many of my friends have gotten married in the last few years, and despite feeling a little insecure at first, i have since realized a relationship isn't the "end all and be all" for happiness.

 

you're right about the "rose-colored glasses" comment...i was doing the same thing...assuming my friends were happier and had better lives than i because they had a partner. needless to say, many of them complain about their lack of freedom. i have since realized that marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be. in fact, it takes a heck of a lot of work to make it last!

 

i hope you continue to pursue your passions...in this case, it sounds like writing is something that interests you. it's good to know there are others out there who are okay with being single, considering whenever i go home, i always get the same questions, "do you have a special someone in your life yet?"

 

t

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I am so happy for you! I wish I could feel the way you do, but its hard. Real hard.

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[HajiMaji]

Awesome, i think i feel where you are coming from now. I must say, that cuibicle stuff is no joke. One of my friends started working in a cubicle area 6 months ago an i remember when he first started he was feeling the same thing. He was the only dude not married I wish he had the insight you have now, he is still looking through those rose colored glasses.

 

Anyway i think thats cool and thanks for clarifying everything for me. I love to see the growth from your old viewpoint.

 

Take care

[wlfpack81]

I'm going through that now at my job. Seems everyone is married or has a serious relationship which is weird considering most of the new hires on this job are in their mid-early 20's like myself.

[Caldus]

Wow I was about to make a thread like this too. I have found peace in being single as well. I put myself through so much frustration and pain trying to approach women last semester it wasn't even funny. I changed the meaning of dating for myself. I find that if I'm feeling uncomfortable approaching anyone or a group of people (usually I only get nervous meeting a group of people) then why put myself through that? Sure, guys need to take the initiative, but what if you don't really need a relationship in the first place?

 

I thought about things for a while and I said "why the hell am I doing this?" Because all throughout high school (and I mean all throughout it), I didn't even care about girls (yes I would think about them once in a while but it wasn't obsessive thinking). I guess I was pressured by other people to get a girlfriend. I think it was seeing all of those couples in college that got me pressured to do it. I realize now that I shouldn't even care because I don't even need one.

 

Sure, I will continue to approach women (and guys too) once in a while so that I can meet some new people and make some good friends, but I'm no longer going to make it a chore anymore. I've decided to join the tennis club this semester at school and going to meet a lot of people tomorrow. I'm also going to get more exposed to game programming (since I'm taking a class for that and really want to make something cool with my team members before the end of the semester). Of course I will try to get my *** out of the apartment more often too.

 

Seriously though Scout, I am so glad that you have achieved this inner peace. Because I think I have too. I haven't thought about wishing I had a girlfriend in about two weeks. Just wishing I had some more good friends, that's all. I think that when you feel bad about the whole dating situation that it means that you're treating dating the wrong way. Dating is supposed to be fun and I wasn't making it fun before. If a girl wants to go out with me in the future, then I will not expect it to go any farther but will definitely try to have more fun with it!

[SparklingKaren]

There is so much truth in what you said. I admit to putting myself through a lot of hell over not having a boyfriend. I felt at first like there was something wrong with me. I saw an attractive person, but maybe no one else does. Or maybe it was my personality. All my friends had boyfriends. What was so wrong with me? And I even allowed myself to be treated very poorly and be used just because I didn't want to be alone. But lately, I feel the same way as you. Being single isn't so bad. I'd rather wait it out and let the right one find me instead. I don't want to depend on someone else to give me self-esteem and to make me happy. I've got to do that myself.

 

I'm realizing slowly that relationships are a lot of work. And they aren't worth all that work unless they are the right person. Why put yourself through that? You can find happiness on your own. Thanks for this post. It put to the surface a lot of things that have been going through my head. I hope this feelings lasts for you, too. I bet it will.

[Mun]

This is the best time of your life !

 

Enjoy it and be happy with yourself and it will draw others to you.

[SkyFire]

Oh yes. It feels great to be independent. I am happy being single, and I would never place happiness on a girl.

 

I agree with you, scout.

[Caldus]

Yes, relationships take a heck of a lot of work. Unfortunately a lot of them go sour right away. A lot of them turn into series of pointless drama, conflicts of interest in the relationship, and so on. Best way to meet some great people is through clubs! That has always been the case for me.

[berserk]

i got to the point of that once but the thing was in the end it was really just me getting rid of the problem

[broken karma]

Oh, Scout...if only you could distill this insight you have found, bottle it and sell it...I would be the first in line! I've posted my problem here, and people have been so helpful, but I wish, OH HOW I WISH, I could come to the peace you have found. I am very happy for you, and wish (as you do), that it lasts a long, long time for you.