My "Friend" is making me miserable

[JuggernautJay]

Ok, this is a long one, but please help if you have the time. Thank you

 

I have a friend. And when we first started talking it was alright. But as time has gone on I found out she has a thing for me. She kept bringing it up and I kept telling her that I only liked her as a friend and nothing more. But she kept going on about her feelings and I would always try and ignore it and change the subject but she would keep on bringing it back up. Everytime I tell her that I'm not into her in that way, or if I tell her I like someone else she starts going dead weird with me. She starts telling me about how her last boyfriend was abusive and used to hit her and how her first boy, the only one she ever loved died. And she feels about me how she felt about him and I'm the only person she's trusted in years. She is in college with me and she starts crying everytime I reject her. She gets jealous if she sees me talking to other girls and she will randomly start arguing with them for no reason or she will constantly keep butting into the conversations if she sees me talking to other girls.

 

Over time, she calmed down and stopped that and told me she was over me and just wanted to be friends and I was glad because I thought she would be alright then...but she wasn't. I can't have a conversation with her nowadays. It's always about her and how miserable she is. She claimed that she gave up all her friends for me (because I didn't get along with them) and kept going on about how she was going to give them all up for me because I was a better friend than them. I kept telling her not to, but she did anyway, and now she always brings it up as if she wants me to say "ooh! Thank you!" She is friends with my ex who I hadn't spoken to for 3 years, and since I've made friends with this girl me and my ex have argued more than when we were together because she constantly provokes arguments between us. And also, I can't have a laugh and a joke with her, because she never wants to have a nice conversation. It's always about her and how miserable she is and how her life is a mess. She always goes on about how she wants to start self-harming and how she's going to commit suicide but I know she never will, and she's just saying it for attention. Just to make matters worse, her Dad died just before Christmas. And she constantly talks about it. And I understand that, I know it's hard and with most of my other friends I would be happy to help them. But with her, I just feel like she brings it up for attention rather than because she's actually upset.

 

She always wants to meet up with me and it gets annoying because I don't really want to hang out with her outside college. And when she found out about this girl I had a crush on and had started talking to, it turned out my "friend" knew her and they didn't get on. So she started making up all this crap about the girl to try and make me stop liking her. Honestly, I can't deal with her anymore. I don't want to bluntly say that though because I would feel bad hurting her feelings, but I just feel like she is draining all of my happiness. I can't ignore her messages because she will start texting me with "hey, you there? Reply, oi!, Where have you gone" every 5 minutes until I reply. And she told some of her friends that me and her were together when we weren't. And I had to explain to them that we were just friends and when I asked her why she said it, she said she just wanted her ex to leave her alone so she thought if loads of people thought me and her were together he would back off. What should I do?

 

I know this is long and I'm sorry about that, I just need some advice. Thanks for the help guys (Y)

[mhowe]

You have to be blunt. She is obsessed with you and is interfering with your life.

[ParisPaulette]

This woman is not your friend. She is using that label to get close to you and to try guilt/manipulate you into her reality. And she's more than a wee tad obsessive/delusional.

 

You cannot have a friendship with someone like this. And as much as you may not think you are doing so, by remaining in contact with her in any capacity you are playing into her delusions and leading her to think she has a chance to get through to you and bully you into liking her. Tell her you've had enough and are no longer friends, the block and delete her.

 

Be prepared for the sh** storm that will follow and do not bend or break on contacting her ever again. You are going to have to treat her like a stalker, because that is what she will likely become sad to say. You do not through to people like this by any other method than cutting them out of your life. And hopefully not to the point you have to get law enforcement involved.

[browneyedgirl36]

Agreed with the above posters; she is totally manipulating you. She sounds very troubled, and she's making you not only her sole source of "happiness" (I put that in quotes because clearly, she's NOT really happy at all) but also her scapegoat at the same time.

 

You are not obligated to date her, have feelings for her, return her feelings, or anything else for that matter just because she 's "in love" with you (again, in quotes, because she's really not in love with you -- just obsessed with you).

 

I was in her position a couple times when I was much younger -- totally infatuated with a male friend -- but in my case, I never told him, and I certainly wouldn't have gone all berserk threatening to harm myself if he didn't return my feelings. That's evidence of someone who has some significant emotional issues -- way more than you can (or should) attempt to deal with.

 

I think you should send her a message telling her that you need to break off the friendship; tell her that you can't now, nor will you ever, return her feelings, and that her feelings for you make it impossible to engage in a platonic friendship. She will freak out, most likely, and will probably blow up your phone, but her feelings are NOT your responsibility, and you have to set up healthy boundaries in order to preserve your own peace and keep the drama out of your life. You will also need to ask her not to contact you again. She will, of course, and you will need to ignore her. Normally, I don't recommend ignoring people, as giving someone the silent treatment is cruel in many instances, but in this one, it's not. You have a right NOT to reciprocate her feelings, and you have a right to not be harassed by her just because you don't reciprocate them.

 

If you guys are in college, she really ought to see the school's counseling/psych services office; she might freak out of you suggest it to her, but I'd be tempted to. Her behavior goes beyond just teenager/young woman infatuation drama. She seems emotionally unstable, and the best thing you can do for yourself is cut her off.

[browneyedgirl36]

Also: The fact that her dad died is sad, but....her feelings about that are also not your responsibility. Does she not have any other friends? She shouldn't be putting all this on you.