Resisting temptation while LDR

[petalsfall]

I've been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. I'm in medicine and he's an engineer, both in our late 20's. We have been living on the ends of opposite coasts since I started my medical studies. I go home for winter/spring/summer break 1-2 weeks at a time. We chat/videochat almost every night, and still do. I am extremely lucky to find a partner who understands the rigors of medicine and supports me through my anxieties, frustrations, joys as I progress from being a struggling student to a medical provider. We are a strong team, we always work together- planning trips, making decisions, everything. We are close with each others' families. We are happy and I feel secure when I'm with him. Now the problem is when I'm away. I am now in the last year of my program doing rotations.

 

Since September I've been rotating at a hospital in a small rural town, and will remain there until May. 3 rotations there total. I started there with my surgery rotation. I met Dr. A, one of the doctors who works in the OR. I have watched him perform some procedures on patients a few times. He was good eye candy and nothing more. During the rotation, My surgical preceptor invited me and other doctors out to dinner a few times. During these few times, I got to know Dr. A a little better. He's married, but also LDR while he works here. We found out we had things in common: Same culture, similar backgrounds, likes video games, a foodie, similar sense of humor. It's nice to know someone you can relate to in a foreign town. During my last week of rotation, I passed him in the hall and told him I was running to the library. He hit my arm with his patient chart and laughed and told me it was the opposite direction. I thought this brief interaction seemed borderline flirtatious but I thought to myself that I'm imagining things.

 

Went back home for winter break and returned back 2.5 weeks ago for my new rotation. This week my surg preceptor again invited everyone out again. After dinner, Dr. A and I stepped outside away from everyone else for a minute and just caught up about what what I did over winter break. We started talking enthusiastically about foreign cuisine and then about a dish that I can't find the ingredients for in this area. He told me "I have those. Want to come over to my house right now and pick it up? I live near _____." I don't know if he being friendly or if this was a come on (but come on, I can sense mild tension between us). A mental stop sign started glaring at me. I feel most guys don't just offer a girl food or have them "pick up" things at their home. I immediately responded that I have to drive my roommate back home and perhaps he can bring it to the hospital next time I'm there. While I'm glad I said no, I can't help but think I'm limiting myself to the pleasures of life yet again, as I do so often in my path toward medicine. The more involved I am with medicine, the more I think "C'est la vie. Carpe diem". We sacrifice so much and work so hard everyday serving others. Free time is spent studying, eating, sleeping. It becomes a fine balance. Plus, there are the rules of relationship, society, of celestial entities that we all must follow to avoid that happens. It's like Dr. A pulled an act of Inception on me that night, and now this ridiculous seed of an IDEA is rooting into my mind.

 

All I've told my bf was when I observed Dr. A in the OR and whom I'm with during outings. I haven't told him about this recent interaction. Friendship with the opposite gender can get complicated when you find them attractive. Why must physical contact be so desired? Bloody biological needs. I want these thoughts to stay just thoughts. I am now working at a clinic 10 min away and only at the hospital on Fri on a different floor. Yet, I feel vulnerable. It can be easy to fall into temptation, but difficult to resist. I hope to have the willpower. I believe in this saying "The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you." But what if you want something you can't have? I was once cheated on and would not want to wish that on anyone. He is my 2nd boyfriend. I never had a developed a crush on anyone during my first relationship; my eyes were only for him. But now I do have a crush and I don't understand it. I'm beginning to question my morality, loyalty, and judgement.

 

I would like to know how others' experiences with temptation. If you have been in my position, esp during a LDR / in medicine? Did you tell ur SO's about it? How did they react? Or did you keep it away from them as you feel nothing will happen? Was there a weakness in the relationship to cause you to crush on another or is this simply human nature? Do you have friends whom you have chemistry with, but are able to control it? What's your secret? Does this happen in many relationships, even those that are strong or this a sign of a weakness with my relationship? With myself? I know what's right and wrong. I know the consequences. But the thrill and transience of the moment can turn these morals into a fog. Sorry for a long post. I needed to get this off my chest. I'm cracking here.

[SocialStigma]

I think a crush in a long term (and especially LD) relationship is usually harmless for the most part unless it progresses into emotional/physical cheating and you don't know where to draw the line. It's natural to be attracted to people other than your SO but it's what you do about it that determines whether or not it becomes a problem in your relationship. I relate to your post quite a bit as I am a final year veterinary student, I'm also in a LDR, and I have been away for most of the year on clinical rotations. I've met a lot of cute interns/residents/clinicians and I automatically have a connection with them that I don't have with my bf - our passion for our chosen career. It gets lonely being away from your SO and phone calls/Skype can only do so much. That being said, I haven't had a crush on anyone since I've been with my bf (just over 2 years).

 

The only time I've had a crush while in a relationship was when I was with my ex. We were going through a rough patch at the time. My best guy friend was there for me throughout all of it and that's why I developed feelings for him. It never progressed to anything physical but my ex was never there for me and my friend was. Once my ex and I resolved things, I got over my crush. I never told my ex or my friend about it.

[mhowe]

Having a crush is normal. Hoping to have the will power to not act on it when you are in a committed relationship and your crush is married...is about your morals and integrity. And blaming it on your chosen profession is downright absurd.

[Scoe141]

Once you begin to entertain thoughts of temptation, you've already begun to lose. The best way to defeat the thoughts is to dismiss them as soon as they enter your mind. As for work, I'd try and stay away from Dr. A unless you absolutely have to. I wouldn't even talk about anything that isn't work related.

 

Good luck.

[stuka80]

Its that easy huh? Letting go of your morals and convictions not to mention loyalty and trust as soon as someone else comes knocking. Why is it so hard to find people who dont give in to temptations and vices so easily...all the more respect and admiration to the very rare few that can withstand it...wisdom is such a rare gem indeed.

[Fudgie]

I have a family full of doctors, luckily my relatives have been faithful. I have heard of the aftermath of what happens when they are not. It's horrifically messy and yes, you could lose your job and respect in the eyes of your colleagues. It is not worth it. You have worked hard to get where you are, don't throw it away by thinking with your nether regions. It WILL come back to bite you in the butt.

 

I have been in a few LDRs over the years and I don't really get crushes on people when I'm in a relationship. I just don't entertain it. I do meet people that I have chemistry with and get on well with, but I don't let it go there. If you're developing such feelings, squash them on your own by keeping it STRICTLY professional and do not let yourself cross boundaries. Try to re-focus your energy to your relationship, and not the person that you have a crush on. I know this sounds bad but I don't think it's a good idea to tell your SO if you're crushing on someone either. Just squash it on your own. No need to make your partner upset.

[trust101]

I do medicine as well. You cannot use that as an excuse. I get 4-6 hours of sleep everynight due to the workload and wards but if you went rural posting you should have an insight to what sacrifice really is. Get to know your patients.

[figur]

Forming a crush while in any relationship happens...while in an LDR it's especially more likely. When you can't often see your SO, it's that much easier for your body/mind to crave that physical flirtatious interaction with someone. It does not make you a bad person, or mean that you just have to make something happen with your crush.

 

I was in an LDR for 9 months due to job circumstances. We Skyped and talked pretty much every day, and I was (and still am) deeply in love with him. But there was one person at my work who I connected with in a way that if I were single I may have wanted to develop it more. So I just made sure to keep it professional. We didn't do lunch together, we didn't even work together that often, and I just kept a mental check of "he is just my work crush, and there's no reason to make anything more of it." It's a pleasant rush to think that someone finds you attractive, but you have to be secure enough in your primary relationship to leave attractions as the simple things they are.

 

LDRs shake that security, definitely. What made my stretch of LD easier was that we had an end date. I was going to move to his state by X time, with or without a job. We planned how to be together physically, for good. And this year we're getting married.

 

LDRs really lack the day-to-day planning. What's for dinner, what're we doing this weekend, can you give me a ride to the bank? They leave a hole that, imo, can best be filled by this-is-how-we-will-close-the-distance planning. I'm looking for jobs in this city near you, I called this apartment complex, did you know car insurance is way more expensive in your state?? Without that in the background, the hole within an LDR may be filled with other people.

 

Do you have an end date to the LD portion? If not, you and your BF will need to think about how to make that happen. If it's an indefinite separation, LDRs become so much harder, and crushes become that much more real as possibilities.

[destinedlove]

Long Distance Relationship is truly a relationship that needs trust between parties. You need to trust that your partner is true to you and in return, you also need to be true to him. It takes 2 to tango as they always say.

[Batya33]

Agree with Mhowe that it has nothing to do with being a doctor. My husband and I were long distance for 2 years while we were dating and we both had extremely demanding/stressful jobs. I worked with mostly men. Harmless, fleeting crushes? Sure. I never acted on those fleeting feelings and if it was someone I worked with I limited contact to professional stuff only. Did I tell my boyfriend -of course not - nothing happened or would happen so why burden him with that? He probably had that experience too but I trusted him and he trusted me.

[petalsfall]

Have declined going out to dinner with my old preceptor and the OR docs when invited, so haven't been seeing him. You're right- gotta just let him be a fleeting crush, a transient thought. Just gotta keep it pro and focus on studies. I've got exams to worry about.

[sheiscourtney]

I am also in a LDR. It gets really tough I think. I do talk to my guy friends who do flirt with me, but controlling the temptations are the wisest choice to save your current relationship. You know you're in love with the right person if you don't give in like that and you don't want to hurt them. I know a lot of guys that have such a great personality and are attractive too. It's hard to not flirt back, but knowing what's right is wise. Maybe you're the type of girl that keeps everything on the DL and hides a lot from your boyfriend. Or maybe you're the type that wants to tell the truth whenever a situation like this comes up. Either way, there's always going to be temptations. I have never gave in and talk to a man inappropriately as I'm in a relationship and that's just how I am, but I think knowing what you want is important. Maybe you don't want to be in a relationship and want to explore? Personally, I think it's just human nature and everyone has a little crush on someone.

[petalsfall]

No, I dont hide a lot. I'm honest, but this is the first time in the relationship that I developed a crush on someone else and it's a foreign experience. I felt alarmed by it. Haven't given in, and I haven't seen him since we work in different places.