ConfusedGirl21 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Right, I will set the scene a little. I'm a 21 year old university student and my boyfriend (24) lives in my home town 4 hours away. We've been together roughly 8 months but known eachother for many years. As far as I'm concerned our relationship has been pretty good - with only one rough patch (I suffer from anxiety and depression which he reacted badly too when the first episode occurred in our relationship - but when I got better we recovered from it). We've both had serious relationships in the past, I came out of a very abusive relationship a few years ago and my current boyfriend is the only one since - however current boyfriend has a child he does not see from a previous relationship. He has mentioned his ex partner in a negative light due to her refusing contact to his child and suggested she and he never have any contact except when he transfers money - which includes no conversation. I wouldn't call my boyfriend possessive, or controlling but he's very ... Entitled to information sometimes. He pushes me for information such as what my friends are texting me... So when my ex (abusive relationship) texted me a few months ago asking to meet I obviously told current boyfriend instantly, before deleting the message and not replying out of respect (for me and him!) and we both agreed that out of respect for eachother if a serious ex (not just dating) gets in contact it's better to mention it rather than have it come out later. So that brings us to now, I keep seeing her name (I hate the phrase but baby mumma) flash up on his phone and he smiles constantly whilst replying and moves his phone away and won't come near me if he's on his phone... I was really sick today and on the sofa and he would only put his arm round me when he wasn't on his phone... When he was messaging he was smiling and non responsive to me. he's acting secretive and for someone who values honesty in a relationship so much it's so strange seeing him act like this. I've been going through a rough time with uni, and I leave again soon. Should I confront him? Or should I just leave it? I'm so afraid that she's promising him contact with his child in exchange for a fresh start - not only do I not want to see him hurt but I also don't want to leave myself in a vulnerable position. I've been cheated on before (abusive ex) and I honestly can't go through all that again. I would never snoop on his phone to find out the content of the conversation but I've given him plenty of chances to come clean.... I don't know if I'm overreacting or not! Of course he's well within his right to talk to her as much as he wants - but is it wrong for me to expect some sort of heads up to the situation? Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 He doesn't need a "chance to come clean"....ask him directly. Per our agreement, it appears that you are having regular contact with your ex. Is there something I need to know? Link to comment
ConfusedGirl21 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 I also worry he'll react badly and accuse me of being controlling. He's been shifty in the past with regards to receiving very risqué snapchat photos from other women he's been physically involved with in the past. when I expressed my upset at seeing them infront of my very eyes he didn't take to it well! Is a direct approach the only option? Link to comment
ConfusedGirl21 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 Thankyou for the speedy response! Xx Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 I also worry he'll react badly and accuse me of being controlling. He's been shifty in the past with regards to receiving very risqué snapchat photos from other women he's been physically involved with in the past. when I expressed my upset at seeing them infront of my very eyes he didn't take to it well! Is a direct approach the only option? If he reacts badly --- then return to school a free woman. He doesn't sound like much of a catch. Link to comment
ConfusedGirl21 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 Thankyou for the advice Link to comment
missmarple Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Is a direct approach the only option? Yes. When someone is in a relationship where they can't be themselves and look for ways on how to ask a simple question, the relationship is doomed. Link to comment
ConfusedGirl21 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 I think you misunderstand the problem - I'm worried about his reaction. Because of the way he reacts to certain matters I don't want to antagonise him. I'm not even sure if I have the right to interfere in the contact he has with his ex due to the fact there is a child involved. Link to comment
WithLove Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 If the way he's acting is odd enough for you to notice, then you should bring it up. You can't constantly be afraid of what his response it. Being part of a healthy relationship is being able to address problems with each openly, which he doesn't seem to be doing. Yes, he has a child, but as his girlfriend you are entitled to any new information happening in regards to visitation and such. Link to comment
ConfusedGirl21 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 Thankyou - that was a huge 'what if' of mine, because of the sensitive nature of the child situation it complicates things more considerably than if she was just an ex with no other attachments. I didn't want to be out of order with my concerns. Link to comment
WithLove Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Communication is key. No, you're not entitled to every little detail of his life, or even the relationship he has with his child - but it's respectful of him, to your relationship, to explain the sudden change of heart with his ex, if there is one. Maybe she's being less rigid and they are talking about visitations - who knows. But since you are part of his life right now, it's disrespectful of him to keep information like that away from you - hiding it from you, as it seems. Link to comment
ConfusedGirl21 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 Thankyou - you've been a great help. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 All I see here is a double standard. You need to very firmly grab the phone out of his hand, look at and say, "Okay, what is going on. I disclose my texts to you, you demand I disclose my texts to you, we both agreed to the no communication with exes and yet here we are. This is not acceptable and it appears we need to come to a new agreement that is acceptable to both of us." And if you're afraid to stand up for yourself and do that then it doesn't sound like much a relationship at all. If you have to walk on eggshells with them or they can do something, but you can't then it's more a slave/owner thing--not a relationship. You shouldn't be scared to speak up, come to think of it in a relationship you shouldn't be scared of anything about your partner. Something sounds really wrong here and you do deserve someone who will keep up their side of an agreement too, not just you. Link to comment
relevart Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Yeah, I'd probably not suggest you grab the phone out of his hands. Also remember that he has a child by this woman. She will be a part of his life for at least as long as the kid is a minor. You should actually want this to a certain extent because it means he's a part of his kids life, which you should also want. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 I think you misunderstand the problem - I'm worried about his reaction. Because of the way he reacts to certain matters I don't want to antagonise him. I'm not even sure if I have the right to interfere in the contact he has with his ex due to the fact there is a child involved. You have absolutely no control over other peoples reactions. People will chose how to react and his choice is to intimidate you so you are afraid to ask. He texts the baby mama on the sly with a silly grin on his face, yet his says he has no contact with her? He receives inappropriate texts from other women, albeit in the past yet he keeps a very tight leash on you and you feel you have no voice in the matter? You speak up for you. . you do it responsibly and respectfully and let him react however he chooses. People who are typically defensive and combative are both immature and having something to hide. A mature person with clear conscience will reason with you calmly. It sounds from your experiences you are most accustomed to scary controlling men. Sounds as if you may have found another one. Link to comment
ConfusedGirl21 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 Oh of course! My dad wasn't around growing up and it really upset me - so of course I want him and his child to have a relationship. It's the relationship between him and his ex that he's now hiding from me that bothers me - if he was upfront and honest I wouldn't have given it a second thought Link to comment
ConfusedGirl21 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply - I will try approach the manner and see what the reaction is. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Oh of course! My dad wasn't around growing up and it really upset me - so of course I want him and his child to have a relationship. It's the relationship between him and his ex that he's now hiding from me that bothers me - if he was upfront and honest I wouldn't have given it a second thought His relationship with his child is his responsibility. . he'll either screw it up or make it work without anyones help. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 I think its okay if his ex contacts him. They have a child and if she starts giving him updates about the child - then that is a good thing, so long as they are not sexy messages about her wanting him back. Your ex who has no tie to you contacting you is different than the mother of his child. It is really none of your business - but yes, he should be honest that they communicate, and you should be okay with it. He doesn't need to be underhanded. What else is he being underhanded about? Maybe they are long distance and he isn't telling you. Secondly, you should not be in contact with your ex - not because of your boyfriend's wishes but for YOUR SAKE. He is abusive to you and is not entitled to be in your life anymore. Block his number. But your boyfriend also should trust you enough and you should be comfortable enough with him to tell him what happened. That being said, I think that if you have been in an abusive relationship with little break and you have not been through counseling and support, you are in danger of repeating and ignoring signs of a potential one. Firstly, this guy 'reacts badly' to your depression, and is okay when you are not depressed. is he a guy for the long haul, or is he fairweather? And you need to get a handle on your anxiety and depression on your own before you can be in a healthy relationship. If he constantly badmouths his ex, rather than owning up to his part. "i didn't think through to the consequences when i dated her. She wasn't the right match for me. We were bad together" or "i don't see my child because we couldn't support the child together and thought it was best if she moved back to her parents..." Rather than she is evil. When a guy talks about how evil someone is, you will be talked of that way if things are shaky with you. Just red flags about this guy. Honestly, you have only been with him 8 months and there is already too much drama. I would honestly invest in myself and work through some of your past hurt and get strong. And I would, when I was ready, find a guy whose life wasn't already drama - you guys are too young for drama. Link to comment
Sarah691607309662 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Yes. I would be concerned too. 1. I would question if what he says is true. Originally he states that he has no contact with her, no conversation and then he grins at her texts. He says that she is a horrible person and then he grins at her texts? It does not add up. 2. It feels that he has his kicks from controlling people. I would expect him to be very well aware that you are watching him to text and that you are worrying. I also would expect him to enjoy the fact that you are noble in your heart and do not try to control his privacy. I would expect he might be using this noble trait of yours to torture you a bit - in other words to evoke a reaction from you. I would not be surprised that a grin you saw on his face has to do with both factors - his ex who is dancing to his game (whatever that game might be, but she is texting, so she is reacting) and you watching and swallowing your concern. In this case he plays two women at once. 3. It is interesting that you used the word "entitled"... This is the word that often is used to describe narcissistic personality. How to react. This is tough. If you grab the phone and try to stand for yourself - I think, your gut feeling is correct and it will lead to explosion and will not solve anything. If you softly and calmly try to talk to him "in the right moment", he might get annoyed right away. In other words, I do suspect that you are dealing with a narcissistic personality and the only way to deal with it is to RUN. If this is true and he is narcissistic, the only way to address what bothers you without alienating him is to understand what makes him tick. And I can tell you what makes tick narcissists - they have to feel superior all the time. if you are able to deliver your concern in a way that he would feel superior, he might even get pleased. The biggest issue with narcissists is that they lie all the time, they have no problem doing it and the ONLY thing that is of interest to them is inflation of their ego. They can be charming and engaging but they do not really care about what they are talking, all they care about is your (or someone else) reaction. Reaction = attention = supply. However I can be totally off, I just had a tough experience with narcissistic personalities and something in your description seemed very familiar Link to comment
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